self esteem please!

[mommatooth]

I am a single, stressed-out momma of a smart 3 yo daughter who responds to new situations (and old ones) with elaborate excuses and variations of "I can't"  It makes me terribly sad to see her missing out.  We have tried gymnastics classes and after 20 sessions (that is right I gave her months to warm up to it) I finally decided I just couldn't handle it anymore- she would just sit in my lap and watch, say she was waiting her turn or something- but with no intention of joining.  Some days, near the end she would do a somersault or two and express such joy and pride!  I guess that is what kept me going back.  but I don't care if she learns gymnastics, the point is, when faced with a new situation- she defaults to I can't and CLINGS to me like the world started rotating at hyperspeed.  FUN, age appropriate  things like a contra dance or trip to the swimming pool or just a friend's house.  I am out of ideas and pretty depressed.  I realize that the one thing that is most important to me is that my daughter try and feel capable within herself.  I fear that I am scarring her for a lifetime of missed opportunities and watching the world pass by.  I try really hard to be supportive with whatever choice she makes (which is almost always to sit out...often she won't even let ME join in because then she would have no one to sit out with), but I know she can feel my sadness/frustration.  What would you do?  How can I convince her to try?  and banish this idea of can't.

[mamazee]

She's only 3?  I would probably back off and wait and see if in a year or so she starts asking to be in an activity.  She might just be introverted also.  Pushing her might make her even more reluctant to join, and if you're anxious for her to do things it could lead to her being anxious.  Personally, I'd just relax at this point.  She isn't missing out if she doesn't do activities at 3.  I'd do unstructured things like go to the park or museum or that kind of thing, but not do anything that is a specific activity for a while.

[Super~Single~Mama]

This will not be popular on good ole MDC, but here goes.

Are you a SAHM?  Have you ever left her at gymnastics to see what would happen in your absence?  She might loosen up if you weren't there and her teachers had free reign to talk her into it without you being there to cling to, yk?  Doesn't even have to be gymnastics - just anything.

Does she go to daycare?  Is she with a lot of other kids often?  My ds is only 2 - but he's all about trying new things, and he spends a lot of time with people other than me b/c he's in daycare full time, which could just be a personality thing I don't know.  But if you haven't tried leaving her to see what happens, you might - it might make a difference.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

She's only 3?  I would probably back off and wait and see if in a year or so she starts asking to be in an activity.  She might just be introverted also. 

Sure, for thinks like classes, that makes sense. But I think it's unrealistic for the OP to never take her child to the pool or a friend's house. She's supposed to sit home all day with her and have no social life? Mama needs to have fun, too! I say definitely don't sign up for any more classes. But when you go to a contra dance, take a friend along (maybe someone else with a kid) and take turns, one of you dancing and one watching the kids. Just leave her with the friend and go dance. Your dd needs to see that you and she can be in the same room, in sight of each other, and things will be fine. And definitely keep going to friends' houses. You need that for your own sanity. Hang in there.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Are you a SAHM?  Have you ever left her at gymnastics to see what would happen in your absence?  She might loosen up if you weren't there and her teachers had free reign to talk her into it without you being there to cling to, yk?  Doesn't even have to be gymnastics - just anything.

Hah! I tried that today at a dance class for my 3 yr old daughter, and my kid had hysterics.  The teacher actually picked her up, brought her out to me, and said, "Try again next year."

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Originally Posted by mommatooth 

I am a single, stressed-out momma of a smart 3 yo daughter who responds to new situations (and old ones) with elaborate excuses and variations of "I can't"  It makes me terribly sad to see her missing out.  We have tried gymnastics classes and after 20 sessions (that is right I gave her months to warm up to it) I finally decided I just couldn't handle it anymore- she would just sit in my lap and watch, say she was waiting her turn or something- but with no intention of joining.  Some days, near the end she would do a somersault or two and express such joy and pride!  I guess that is what kept me going back.  but I don't care if she learns gymnastics, the point is, when faced with a new situation- she defaults to I can't and CLINGS to me like the world started rotating at hyperspeed.  FUN, age appropriate  things like a contra dance or trip to the swimming pool or just a friend's house.  I am out of ideas and pretty depressed.  I realize that the one thing that is most important to me is that my daughter try and feel capable within herself.  I fear that I am scarring her for a lifetime of missed opportunities and watching the world pass by.  I try really hard to be supportive with whatever choice she makes (which is almost always to sit out...often she won't even let ME join in because then she would have no one to sit out with), but I know she can feel my sadness/frustration.  What would you do?  How can I convince her to try?  and banish this idea of can't.

Maybe she really just can't.  My extrovert mother never understood me, either, and kept pushing me to try new things.  It's like pushing against a brick wall.  I literally threw up every single morning before school, my social anxiety was that bad. I begged my mother to home school me, but she couldn't, because she had to work.  I used to dream of dying rather than go to school.  And it's not even like I was a social reject.  Nobody picked on me, I got invited to the occasional party, I even went to prom with my boyfriend.  I just couldn't (and can't, even with medication) handle being with strangers all day.

I will tell you this:  she picks up on your stress like gangbusters.  

Because of my own history, I was worried that my child would be introverted, and I did TONS of research on how to deal with it.  From birth, I made it my aim to make sure that she was always responded to, that she was always comforted, that I never, even nonverbally, pushed her to be more social than she wanted to be.  She was not placed in childcare because that reinforces introversion in children that have an innate tendency. (and yes, I can give you the citations for that)

Right now, it's perfectly OK for an introverted 3 yr old to not want to engage in new situations.  Your best bet is to allow her to transition at her own speed -- and some things she will never transition to--and that's OK.  The dance class I tried today with my daughter was a complete bust. At this dance school, the parents were not allowed in the room, and that gave her anxiety to start with. I think the teacher was much too brisk (and brusque) for her, that the transitions were too rapid, and that the room was unfamiliar. Note that I don't think that the teacher was in any way inappropriate for most 3 yr olds--my daughter is just much more sensitive to that kind of thing.  Kindermusik was the same way--and I was in the room with her!  On the other hand,  she loves swimming lessons, gym class, library story time, playgroup, innumerable play dates, etc.  

The key is simply to let her adjust at her own speed, during something to which you look forward to--and always be positive, truly and heartfelt positive. She can and will pick up on any reservations that you may be feeling.  

[mommatooth]

I agree!  I want to agree that it is fine for her to just be her, but I NEED her to engage something other than me for a few minutes each day, I am a SSAHM and part of the reason I have tried the classes is just to let someone else drive for awhile so I can rest my eyes- I don't mind being the ONLY mom out in the ring lending a hand and supporting, I just have not found the situation where she will participate.

 I am fine knowing that some things just don't work, but it seems with us, that NOTHING works- at the park, she sits in my lap even if there are no other kids to intimidate her... I digress though.  The real question is, how do I balance my need for a teeny- tiny bit of recharge with her need for me ALL of the time?  I can't just stay home- several full days pass and I don't even speak to another adult, it's mindnumbing.  

I omitted that things weren't always this way, when dd was 2, she LOVED the pool, even swam on her own with a noodle thingy all the way across!  So that is a big shift too, we went to the pool last week and she wouldn't have anything to do with a noodle because it put space between us.  I know she is just telling me that she needs me right now, and likely this isn't forever, but it seems to be progressively getting more intense and I am getting burned out.  

Sorry this is so fragmented, I appreciate the feedback, I am just unsure of my next step here....and I am not the introvert! :)  All I really dream of is for me to feel more balanced and for her to be confident saying yes, I will do that or no, I don't feel like it...you know confidence in herself.  The elaborate excuses and variations on I can't are really sad for me.  I have tried to give her the words, I am not ready now, or I would like to watch (to replace, my leg hurts or I am wearing the wrong shoes for that).

[mamazee]

 Sure, for thinks like classes, that makes sense. But I think it's unrealistic for the OP to never take her child to the pool or a friend's house. She's supposed to sit home all day with her and have no social life? Mama needs to have fun, too!  

Well, if you read my whole post, I said to do unstructured things, and I think playdates could fit into that, although they might be short for a while.  I still wouldnt' push her to participate.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

I wouldn't expect you to never take time for yourself. Can you hire a babysitter to come to the house, even for an hour at a time?  You could work up to having her there (this is what I do.)  The first time my babysitter came, I stayed and played with them. The second and third times, I was in the room, and my daughter came and cuddled with me as needed.  Later, I'll move into other rooms in the house. I think it was over a month before I left the house.  But still, it gives me time to read a book, putz on the computer, take a nap......Same for playdates.  She really needs other adults in her life that she can feel comfortable with.  I actually moved in with my mom because I wanted parenting back-up.

[K1329]

Dd, at 3, was extremely "shy" (I hate that label and don't use it in front of her) and wouldn't participate at first - she, however, usually warmed up and participated after awhile of being somewhere. I took a "full-immersion" approach. We went to every b-day party invite - got there early, one of the first to arrive, so she wouldn't have to walk into a crowded, noisy party. Scheduled playdates, enrolled in a preschool. Told her that it was "polite" to respond to people, and, if she didn't want to use her words when people told her hello, she could wave - tried to give her communication tools that she felt comfortable using. I never forced her to do anything, and was fine with sitting to the side when she wanted to, but, tried to make being with people and going to places a part of her life. She, at 7, is still on the shy side, but, has outgrown most of her "shy" behaviors. She has a group of friends at school and is doing well socially. I really do think with maturity and age your dd will start to join in.

In the meantime, I like the pps suggestion of a babysitter, or, would also consider a 3+ morning a week preschool program. (I've read that anything less than 3x a week is too hard on the kids - doesn't become part of their routine.) In a small preschool, she would get to know and trust the teachers and you would get a break.

[LynnS6]

Another mom of a slow to warm up child here. We tried classes with ds when he was 3, and it was a complete failure. We didn't try again until he was 6.

He was, however, in daycare 3x a week, and so he got used to separating and doing things without us there. He still didn't participate a lot in group activities, but he had great teachers (a high ratio of teachers - children). He sat on the sidelines of nearly every event until he was 4-5. Or even more maddeningly, he'd wait until 5 minutes before the event was over and then want to try something. As someone else noted, getting places early, and exposing him to a consistent, regular set of people outside the home (for him it was daycare and church) really helped.

For our son, it was a combination of factors:

-He's a highly sensitive child. Actually, hypersensitive, and so after he got occupational therapy, his moved from being oversensitive to being just sensitive. I'm not suggesting that the OP's daughter needs occupational therapy, but she might be a very sensitive child, and that might make adjustments harder. Contra dancing for example, might be too loud. (Yes, I know that contra dancing music isn't like rock music, but it could be the combo of music + enclosed space + a group of people all moving around).

-He's a slow to warm up child. He needs time to observe and think about things. He needs a lot more exposure to think about participating. He also needs a lot more gentle prodding. There were times when we prodded too hard and he fell apart. I suspect there are times he would have done something, but didn't because we didn't prod hard enough. I've learned over the years that there's a difference between "no" and "maybe". "Maybe" means "ask me again after I've had time to think" or "I'm interested, but a little uncertain." He rarely comes out with a wholehearted "yes" the first time around. (And if he does, we sign up in a heartbeat!)

-He's an introvert. He's not comfortable in large groups, and it takes a ton of energy for him to be in large groups. He's actually a pretty social kid, but he needs downtime.

-He's shy and he doesn't have great social skills. These we're working on. I'm working on teaching him a few social scripts and teaching him basic social graces. When he was younger, we gave him the option of responding non-verbally (a wave, for example) or verbally. He chose the non-verbal option 95% of the time until he was 5 or 6.

The good news is that he's a lot better now that he's 9. He's actually asking to join things. He played soccer in the fall. He asked to play basketball. He may play baseball again. (I'm going to prod pretty hard for that one, as he really enjoyed it last year and he's becoming a huge baseball fan.) He still gets report cards that say "We wish T would share some of his great ideas in class." I joked with his teacher that my goal for him this year was to be sent to the Thinking Room (where they go if they've really overstepped the line) for talking too much during class. She laughed and said "It's not going to happen in elementary school."

So, OP, I echo the idea of finding something regular that you can go to and going. It may take her a year or more to enjoy herself, but she'll get there. If you like contra dancing, then as someone else suggested, find a friend to go with, and have her sit with your friend while you dance, then swap. If she can't stand to have you be away from her, then see if you can swap babysitting with someone and bring her when she's 4. Get to things EARLY so that she can warm up a bit before the crowd arrives. Do some 'mommy and me' classes (our rec center does parent-child swim classes through age 6, for example). But be careful to give her time at home to recharge.

Several books that might help:

The Emotional Life of the Toddler. I know that at 3, she's moving from toddler to child, but there's a chapter in there on the 'fearful' child that I think would really help you understand her and how to help.

The Highly Sensitive Child.

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child