Would you do this?

[Eresh]

DH and I have a goal to buy rural property and move out of the city.  Due to the housing market implosion, we're slightly under water on our current house.  We're saving money but a lot is sinking into paying down our current mortgage but we have an opportunity for us to save a significant chunk within the next few years that would allow us to make this happen.  There is a position I could probably get if I compete for it that would take me overseas for 2 years and would allow me to bank enough for a down payment on land.  The boys would go with me.  I would have good childcare and a short commute.  However, DH would dead-end his career if he went along and our dream of living out in the country depends on his having continued employment/employability.  So he would either stay behind or spend a year in Afghanistan as a contractor (and get a sizable bonus). 

I have a big hesitation over being separated from DH for so long -- not only for myself, but for the kids as well.  DS1 is turning 3 in a couple of weeks and DS2 is 3 months.  It would be very hard on DS1 to only see DH a few weeks a year and DS2 wouldn't be able to know his father very much for his first couple of years.  DH is a former marine so this is less of a hurdle for him, I think, than for me.  Would you be willing to do a 2 year separation (except for vacations) to reach your dream?

[chrissy]

I wouldn't do it.  A year apart from my husband would be hard enough, but in a foreign country it would be even harder. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Honestly I'd have a hard time even doing a weekend-long separation, never mind 2 years!!

But that's just me.

I would not feel comfortable removing my child(ren) from their father for longer than a couple of weeks (and even that would be really pushing it IMO). My 2yo DS is devastated if DH comes home late from work!! Maybe if the kids were older & had their own lives it would be *a little* easier on them but if they are anything like my DS, Daddy is their world right now...

It also sounds like your motives are primarily financial -- i.e. it's not your lifelong dream to work this job overseas (in which case it might make more sense to find a way to make this work). There are many ways to make/save money and maybe you could find another way to reach your family's goal?

[VisionaryMom]

No, I would not do it. Our relationship with DH is more important than property.

[mom2happy]

When you put it in the way of "reaching your dream", it sounds very enticing.

I know some people have what it takes for something like this.

Personally I couldn't do it. I feel like every bit of time we get to spend together counts.

The memories of the two years of your children's lives will be yours alone. Sure, he'll hear about it on the phone, skype, email, pictures...... but their father won't be touching them, cuddling with them. Those years of cuddling and touching don't last forever and they form an unspoken bond.

The 2 years lost to gain a dream could create a nightmare.

[Drummer's Wife]

Honestly, I'd never even consider it.  I get anxious when DH travels overnight for work - two nights in a row is my limit.  I understand your dream of living rurally, but I'd go about it another way, personally.  Family is more important to me than money (not saying you feel differently, just that two years apart wouldn't be worth buying even my wildest dream house). 

[madskye]

I might, if DH and I had enough vacation to make it not feel like a separation.  For instance, right now, DH has six weeks vacation and I have 4.  If he came to see us every other month for a week, and we went to see him for a week for four months...or, to put it more simply, I knew that out of the year I'd still be spending 10 weeks with him, that we could have holidays and birthdays together...I could probably make the sacrifice.  I think it would be really tough on DD, though, and I'd have to think about that as well.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by madskye 

I might, if DH and I had enough vacation to make it not feel like a separation.  For instance, right now, DH has six weeks vacation and I have 4.  If he came to see us every other month for a week, and we went to see him for a week for four months...or, to put it more simply, I knew that out of the year I'd still be spending 10 weeks with him, that we could have holidays and birthdays together...I could probably make the sacrifice.  I think it would be really tough on DD, though, and I'd have to think about that as well.

Of course going with this scenario, I'd imagine the cost of flying in & out of Afghanistan frequently is pretty high. 

[Momsteader]

It would depend on how strong your marriage is. If you think that can make it, I say go for it :)  Historically, husbands and wives/children spent great amounts of time separated from each other and everyone made it.  It would take a lot of serious discussion before you go with it. 

[pianojazzgirl]

I wouldn't do it, but that's not to say that I think it couldn't work for someone else.  I think, as a pp mentioned, the amount of vacation time available, ie. the amount of time you'd be able to actually see each other would be an extremely important factor when deciding whether you thought it could work out.

[Cascadian]

Nope. Wouldn't do it. For me, family is more important than even that kind of security and opportunity. I've actually passed up two plum long-distance positions, pre-marriage to my DH but serious years of dating and just pre-engagement, because of this. If I had accepted (we're talkin' a UN job here...), we would not be together with our DDs today, this I know. Different situation, but similar kind of thinking.

[pupsnelda]

No, I wouldn't do it.

[jeanine123]

No I wouldn't.  Physical possessions aren't as important to me as family and certainly not as important as my children knowing their daddy and being with him for two years.

[Bebe's Mom]

Personally, no I wouldn't do it...But I hate being separated from DH for more than a day, so no way could I do 2 years. As far as DD goes, she is only 16 months and I think it would be too damaging to her relationship with her father to separate them..My husband's parents went on a two week long trip to Europe when he was around two years old-(left him behind with his grandmother), and my MIL still feels guilty for leaving him. I think it had a profound effect on his personality and her relationship with him. I agree with the PP that if your kids were older it would have less of an impact, they at least would be able to Skype etc...That being said, I am in awe of people who find it in them to make those kinds of sacrifices in order to achieve their dreams. Go with your gut on this one, no one can really give you the answer but you.

ETA: If I had a strong, supportive family around me who I could rely upon, it would make it more doable. But since I am already a bit isolated, no way.

[kathymuggle]

Nope.  You can achieve your dream another way.   This way involves giving up too much.  

[dakotablue]

Dh and I have the exact same dream!

Really we are working so hard to just get out of debt out of the city and onto some land.

BUT I think those two years are so so important. Your children are so young. I know my Dh is freaking out about the prospect this summer that I may spend a month with my grandmother and only see him on weekends. They grow so fast (and I only have a one year old) I would be regretful to take away that from Dh no matter how great the final consequence might be. You can wait a few more years to get the dream, but can't ever go back to those memories or experiences.

IF and only if Dh could come with me would I consider, and probably would do it. Is there no way he could find some sort of work there with you? Is there nothing that applies to his current career that he could possibly start over and maybe even you could expand where you end up settling?

I love the idea, and truthfully would be enticed, but honestly its not worth it. I'd rather live in the city for the rest of our lives trying to leave together than spend so much time apart (unless the children were older...maybe then I'd feel different)

[Petie1104]

OK, mind you I'm coming at this from the angle of a military wife who has spent a year away from dh.  Not to mention 6 months at another time and well the list goes on.  I'd do it.  Definitely.  but only as long as the children are young.  Once the children are older, it gets harder.  Your children will adjust to the change quicker than you will.  And after this two years is up, your oldest will only be 5 and will still be able to adjust to dh coming back into their day to day life, you on the other hand, will struggle with the changes.  But you can make it if it is a priority.  Personally, I would rather have 3 long visits on vacations than having a bunch of smaller visits, just because once daddy is visiting it is a change that the kids have to adjust to.  Doing that for a week here and there just wouldn't be worth it to me.  But a month every 6 months, or 2 or 3 weeks every 6 months would be worth it.  It's just my opinion, but financial security is also very important to me.

[Linda on the move]

You are gambling your marriage to buy a different house.

Have you guys looked into moving to a part of the country with a lower cost of living, where property is cheaper? You would most likely be far better living living someone place like Wichita, where you could have horses and corn and whatever your dream is, having a shorter commute, etc. than living separately for years and risking losing everything that really matters to both of you. 

[philomom]

It would never work for me. I need a man in my bed at night. Two years would be too long. Even if it's for the "greater good". You'd also be depriving your kids of an active fathering role.

[ameliabedelia]

I would double, triple and quadruple check your numbers to make sure you would actually save as much as you are anticipating.  Be sure to factor in the cost of transportation for vacations, the cost of running two households (not just rent and utilities, but food as well.  The more people you are feeding at once, the cheaper it is per person.  Taxes, child care, medical care, etc, etc., etc.

Then I would really think about the impact it would have on your marriage and your children.  I think a military deployment or something is a bit different in that both spouses, while separated, are with others in the same situation so there is a level of support there.  

Then i would think about how much you really want that land in the country.  Even if you coudl afford the down payment, would you be able to sell your current house?  Are you SURE you want to live in the country.  While the country is beautiful and having land is great, there are downsides as well....longer commutes, more isolation.   If you are looking to grow your own food or raise animals, how much do you know about that?

Lastly, I would strongly consider if the separation is worth it for a dream, and not a necessity.   It is one thing to do something like this out of necessity or when other options are limited, but totally different to do it when you don't *have to*.

However, if after considering all those things, you  might decide that it really is worth it.