So I hit the 36 week mark yesterday, which I genuinely didn't think I'd get to, and I'm thrilled. However, I've also weaned off of Zoloft, which was really helping me to stay reasonable and deal with anxiety. I also have PTSD after my DS's birth at 28 weeks and subsequent NICU stay (at one point, he received an overdose of medication that we were told could be fatal, which, thank God, it wasn't).
Now that we're 36 weeks, my concerns about pre-e recurring have reduced significantly - I know that we're watching it closely and we'd both be fine if it did, and my blood pressure is still good and my pee is clear, so while recurrence wouldn't be my ideal, I'm not as scared as I was even a couple weeks ago of that possibility. Now, though, I'm terrified that the baby won't make it through this pregnancy, with no reason. Every single ultrasound (every 4 weeks, because of my chronic hypertension) has looked great, great blood flow through the cord, I'm measuring right where I should be, I've gained the "right" amount of weight ... but there are times when I just get terrified of losing him. It seems like the anxiety I've been having over pre-e has just moved into worrying that he's going to not be okay for some other totally random reason - maybe because I have a hard time feeling confident in my ability to support my baby, again, given my previous experience.
I want to do kick counts to reassure myself, but I haven't felt a ton of movement consistently all the way through this pregnancy. Some days it's a massive amount, some days I'll only feel little bits. My placenta is anterior and I think I have a lot of nerve damage from my son's cesarean birth, and so my doctor and I agreed that doing kick counts would probably just freak me out (since I don't have a time that I can typically feel him kicking a lot to check every day). I've seen him moving like crazy on ultrasound and been able to feel NONE of it - the u/s tech once joked that maybe it was good that I couldn't feel him, because he'd be keeping me up all night with the amount he was jiving around, and I literally felt not a thing. It's normal to feel less movement now that they're more cramped for space in there, right? I've never been this pregnant before!
What is the matter with me?! Is anyone else dealing with this? How do you move yourself forward in times when you're feeling panicked, if so?