Grandmother has terminal cancer - advice on doing the right thing?

[elisheva]

My grandmother (age 85) was diagnosed last week with terminal brain cancer (4-6 months they are saying). I live 3500 miles away. What do you say to someone who is dying? I have been sending long emails just about what we've done during the day (silly kid stories, etc.) because my mom says Gram is really enjoying them. But, I 've never said, "Gee, sorry you have terminal cancer." I figure she knows that I'm sad and sorry that this has happened. Saying it seems...too little. Too trite. Am I wrong? 

 

I'm planning to go say goodbye in late Feb or early March (just me and dd). What do you say to someone when you know you'll never see them again????? I don't want to cry in front of them because I figure the last thing they need is to feel responsible for my grief but how do I avoid it???

 

Any advice is helpful. Thank you so much.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Sorry this is happening. I am not sure what you are suppose to do I think every relationship is different.  I think just spending time with the person is the most important thing.  Letting them know you care, that you love them.  Pictures, music, stories, talking about the old days and good memories, emails, any type of conversation is good.   Just being there is probably the most important, even if you are not actively doing or saying anything.  Sometimes that is best, just to comfortably be.  But every situation is different.  

Edited by Sol_y_Paz - 10/12/11 at 12:37am

[onlyzombiecat]

I don't know. Maybe just tell her you love her, are thinking of her and share some of your special memories of times you were together.

http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/talking_2_dying.htm

When I was told my mother had maybe 6 weeks left to live I didn't know what to say. She died only 8 days later and I never actually got a chance to speak with her because she was drugged and sleeping by the time I got there and she never woke up.  I wish I had told her that I loved her one more time and all that she meant to me when she was conscious. Maybe it is better for her that I didn't because I would have cried and she wasn't a person who liked to cry. I don't know.

[Adaline'sMama]

Im very sorry to hear about your grandmother. 3500 miles is such a long way. I hope your grandmother will be able to continue to read your emails, and I think that is a wonderful way to communicate.

I lost my grandmother last May to a stage 4 GBM tumor that swept in and took her life at 73 years old in under 6 months. She couldnt speak and was completely bedridden for the last 4 months. We were very close, and this has been the hardest death Ive had to deal with so far. Because I lived 6 hours away, I said goodbye 8 times. Everytime I drove to see her, I was almost sure it would be the last. I tried to make sure to tell her that I loved her, that it was okay to let go, that we would all be okay, and I read her a poem from a book she kept by her bedside for my whole childhood. And I cried. She lived long enough to hold my DD, her first great grandchild.

You dont have to not cry. I think you should be careful and not let yourself get too upset in front of others, mainly because I see that you are expecting and I know in my family everyone was so worried that I would get so upset and something would happen to the baby because of it. I think that thought process is a little ridiculous, but its a hard thing to argue when people are all sitting around in a room watching someone get ready to leave this world. When someone is dying, I think its okay to show them that you are grieving, that you care. Im glad you are going to get to go and see her. Again, Im sorry you and your family are having to deal with this.

[GoBecGo]

nak

when my grandmother was dying (lung cancer - she lived about 6 weeks after diagnosis but was ill longer running up to it) i wrote her a letter.  i told her all my happy memories of her as a child, growing up and as a woman.  i told her how glad i was to have her as a relative, all the reasons i admired her and how her achievements had impacted on me (she was a chemist, a fiction author and a very courageous woman throughout her life).  i told her how glad i was i'd been able to hear her birth stories and share mine and how glad i was that DD1 had been able to meet her.  i told her "thank you".  i told her i loved her.

she died before i was able to get to see her, but my aunt, who had read the letter to her at her bedside, said it was a great comfort to her and she kept it by her as she went.  

it is ok to cry.  it is ok to tell her the loving things you want her to know frankly.

when my mother died (cervical cancer, but she was terminally ill for 14 years with that and other things) we had already told one another those sorts of things.  i believe i called her a daft old sod and chastised her saying "i turn my back for FIVE minutes and you're in the hospice" and she called me a cheeky sod and told me the hospice jacuzzi was too tempting to miss.  at the very end i held her hand and called her by her christian name and told her she could go to sleep, we were going to take it from here.

[elisheva]

Thank you all for the encouragement and for sharing such beautiful stories of your goodbyes. 

[swd12422]

I can't read the replies on this thread, b/c I know I'll cry and wake everyone up... Just go see her, and take her lead. Let her know not only that you will miss her, but WHAT you will miss. She may love to hear what your fondest memories are. And of course she'll want to hear what you and the kids are up to, just part of your ongoing every day life. That will balance things out so you (and she) don't feel you are dwelling on "the end." I know my grandparents wanted less focus on us missing them and more focus on knowing we'd continue to lead happy lives without them, even though we'd miss them.

When my grandmother was dying, I went to say goodbye and she didn't want to hear how much I love her or would miss her. She just kept saying that "when she feels better" (she didn't want to upset me by acknowledging that she was dying, even though we all knew it) we would go shopping and out to lunch, b/c that was our "thing." So I agreed, and talked about all the other things we had done together (cooking/baking, reading) that we would do again. We shared our memories together, just under the guise of it being our future instead of our past. Your GM may be different in her mindset, but I wanted to share that b/c it never occurred to me just how much my GM would be in denial.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[crazyms]

I agree to just take her lead. We buried my grandmother the week of Thanksgiving after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis in July. It took just 4 short months for the cancer to take her. She went through treatments but nothing can help pancreatic cancer. My grandmother wanted to believe in miracles and that she might get better though so we didn't talk about the fact that she was dying. We didn't cry around here either. We visited her and talked about anything - the holidays, the kids and what they were doing, old memories, my mom and her sisters told crazy stories of us as kids, etc. We all just laughed and talked and spent time together as much as we could. That's what she wanted though. She wanted to see the kids and love on them and she wanted to keep believing that everything was okay not to talk about her dying or the cancer. If it were me I'd just keep telling her stories and talking to her and see how she reacts. If she isn't bringing up the cancer then I wouldn't but that's just me. I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I miss mine terribly.

[Starflower]

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother's terminal illness.

I flew out to see my grandma about 3 months before she died. She'd had ovarian cancer for 2+ years and had suffered a lot. She didn't give up until the doctors told her they couldn't give her any more chemo, even though she'd been inoperable from the moment of diagnosis. I saw her a couple months before she went to hospice. I found I was PG about 2 days before I left to see her. She was so happy. I would be the mother of her first great grandchild.

While I was in town, I helped her do some errands (I had been doing senior care as a job at this time anyway). I just hung out with her. We chatted about stuff. With us, most of our communication about her impending death was unspoken, but we were sharing about her terminal condition through other means. I just mostly followed her lead. She wanted me to help her get some jars to put rose petals in. She'd been saving them from her garden with grandpa from 10 years earlier. She wanted to give a jar of rose petals to everyone in the family before she died and I helped her complete this project. We talked about how she'd stopped eating meals with her sisters at the retirement place because one of them was mean and they'd been bickering for 70 years and she'd finally decided enough was enough. I supported her in her decision when she said she sometimes felt guilty about it.

After I got home, I kept her up to date on my pregnancy. She was so very excited about the baby. For Christmas she sent me a stuffed nativity scene for the baby. I am not religious but she was and she had it made special for my baby. We still have it and DD knows the story behind it. And I've always let DD know that Grandma was happy because she was coming into the world.

Once Grandma decided to go into hospice care, the doctors gave her up to two months to live. She died within two days. I would suggest that if you have time sooner rather than later to visit your grandmother, you may want to go sooner, just in case. I knew when I went to visit my grandma that November that I was saying my goodbye (even though I didn't say it with words). I didn't go to the funeral and my family was OK with it.

[ecoteat]

This thread is killing me. Losing our grandmas sucks, doesn't it?

When I knew my grandma was dying, I was so sad that I wasn't there with her. But I was a bit selfishly relieved that I didn't have to experience her at her worst. I wanted to knit her a shawl or something--mostly as a symbolic hug--but she died before I could. I did make her a little dream pillow that was buried with her. I regret not trying to talk to her more on the phone, even though she couldn't really carry a conversation those last couple months. The last time I saw her was in the nursing home and I was so distressed by the whole experience I didn't really talk to her. The PTs were trying to get her to stand and she couldn't and she was so out of it I didn't even think she knew I was there. But then right before I had to leave, she pulled me close and asked me to come back again soon. So my advice is this: reach out to her as much as you can. Send her letters, pictures, talk to her on the phone, make her something special. Just don't let her go and then regret not connecting with her more at the end. (Now I'm sobbing. Why do I come to this forum and torture myself?!)

When my other grandma died a year after the first, it was pretty sudden. She had been old and weak for a long time, but then one morning she was basically unresponsive. She wanted no interventions at that point, so she was at home dying. I'm pretty far away, so my family put me on alert that she would probably die in the next couple days and to be ready to come home. She held on for NINE days with no fluids, food, anything. (Well, there was morphine, but that's all that was in her system.) It was horrendous being so far away and wanting to be with my family but just waiting for a funeral to be scheduled. Everyone who lives near her was at her side the whole time (in shifts--nine days is a LONG time), especially my sister, who happened to be a geriatric nurse at the time and who took the week off of work to help keep her comfortable. Once it was all over I realized I regretted not talking to her more often too. You'd think I'd learn. I only have one grandparent now and I haven't talked to him in months. I'll see him in 2 weeks, though! :)

[elisheva]

I'm flying out with my dd in March for a few days. Everything I hear is that she's doing well and possibly even better than expected. My uncle is neuropsychologist and thinks she could have more like 8 months to a year. But it could be wishful thinking, too. I will follow her lead and for now keep sending her daily little stories about my kids and pictures. Thanks for all the sharing.

[elisheva]

Just wanted to update this in case someone else finds the info useful/comforting: Grammy died today. I was there 3 weeks ago with dd. My brother also flew in. She was moderately lucid and I had to keep telling her who dd was ("who's the baby again?" she would ask) but she did recognize me and was able to talk about things that happened in the distant past (i.e. a few years ago or more) with good recall. We had some laughs as I was working on knitting stuffed uteri for the ICAN conference. She thought the idea of a stuffed uterus was hilarious and insisted my Opa take pictures. :) She went downhill fast after we left and was in hospice for her last 10 days. What amazing work those nurses do. She died surrounded by her family. I'm sad, of course, but also somewhat relieved for her and for my family. I'm very glad I went to see her. Thank you all for your encouragement and for sharing your stories.