Getting tired of frugality when dh is not on board...Need suggestions.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Long story short, I am pretty frugal, dh is about certain things, but we have a decent amount of debt that needs to be paid off, repairs that need to be done on the house and van, and we need a better padding in our savings account. Dh thinks it is okay to spend on entertainment, which include buying games/etc for the house, playing poker with his buddies 1x to 2x a week, going to family fun places etc. I did a budget for january and he looked down on my 300$ food allowance and said that was too much? I try to bargain shop, use coupons, search for deals, and honestly am tired of it, while he gets to spend on whatever. It is frustrating me because things that are on my list, food, cloth diapers for soon to be dd, breastpump, new dresser for ds, are pretty much needs, while his list is sheer wants. How do I get him to get on the same page as me? I am not sure if this should posted in parents as partners or here in frugality and finances.

Any advice is appreicated.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird 

Long story short, I am pretty frugal, dh is about certain things, but we have a decent amount of debt that needs to be paid off, repairs that need to be done on the house and van, and we need a better padding in our savings account. Dh thinks it is okay to spend on entertainment, which include buying games/etc for the house, playing poker with his buddies 1x to 2x a week, going to family fun places etc. I did a budget for january and he looked down on my 300$ food allowance and said that was too much? I try to bargain shop, use coupons, search for deals, and honestly am tired of it, while he gets to spend on whatever. It is frustrating me because things that are on my list, food, cloth diapers for soon to be dd, breastpump, new dresser for ds, are pretty much needs, while his list is sheer wants. How do I get him to get on the same page as me? I am not sure if this should posted in parents as partners or here in frugality and finances.

Any advice is appreicated.

In regards to the food budget specifically, I would ask him why he thinks it's too much and tell him exactly what the stuff costs.  Go over a typical grocery list and typical prices for him. 

[HollyBearsMom]

In regards to the food budget specifically, I would ask him why he thinks it's too much and tell him exactly what the stuff costs.  Go over a typical grocery list and typical prices for him.

Exactly.  Don't start by getting into "why do you get to do this while I have to scrimp, save, etc".  This just puts the other on the defensive.  

Start by reviewing your grocery receipts for that last month or so.  Show him how much your weekly/monthly food bills cost, show him the "savings" section on the bottom that reflects your coupon clipping, shopping the sales, etc. If he still thinks it too much ask him for his help.  Maybe he can do the shopping next month and see how much it costs him. 

Can the two of you sit down and itemize the "fun" spending so he sees the break down of games, dvds, gambling, family nights out, etc.  It can be eyeopening when you see it broken down vs just $X for the whole month.

[eirual]

I think it depends how long you've been at this. Personalities and relationship issues will also play a role in your approach, but I think if you've got a resilient partner and a good relationship, you may just have to take the bull by the horns and let him know this is important to you, these are your goals, this is how we could get there and ask for his support in this, just for a few months. During that time, walk the walk and lead by example (DH was not on board when we started. I asked for a month- just try this with me for a month and let's see where it gets us, because his way wasn't getting us anywhere we wanted to be).

Work out scenarios that show that if we were to do this budget, this is where we could be in 12 months. If we keep doing what we're doing, this is where we will be in 12 months. Showing them the ideal can at least give them something to work towards. I think it was DR that said, in having a path/a goal/something to aim for, even if you wander a bit or even if you miss, at least you're moving in the right direction.

We set a very ambitious yearly goal when we started, and while we fell short of that we made amazing progress- way more than we would have had we decided not to try at all.

[eirual]

P.S. setting up automatic savings (so prioritizing savings above extravagant entertainment) so he can see that there are limited funds to work with for entertainment after taking care of what needs to be taken care of may help too (only if he's not oblivious to finances and okay with going into debt for entertainment's sake).

....what kind of poker does he play? Would he be willing to suggest to his friends that they change to playing just for fun? or buy into the evening for a few bucks, winner takes a 24 of beer or something? There are cheaper ways to enjoy poker.

Good Luck!

[ilovemygirl]

I tend to be really rigid about money and I have problems with dh overspending so maybe I am overreacting but I think he has a lot of nerve complaining about his pregnant wife spending money on food when he is spending on frivolous things. To be honest, my dh would be sleeping in the car if ever complained to me about feeding us when he is spending money on games. Even if your dh wasn't spending a dime, I can't fathom how he can complain about a $300 food budget. That's an awesome number. Mine is double that. 

Hopefully, he just isn't realizing what he is doing. I think a good long talk and a detailed budget would really help in that case. Maybe if he saw that you are already working really hard to keep the spending down on the necessities he would rethink his entertainment budget.

[chaoticzenmom]

We've been doing a 0 balanced budget.  I'm usually the spender and it's finally opened my eyes to the real amount of money that we don't have.  I do a monthly budget broken down into the 2 paychecks.  I have to do this before the first paycheck of the month. I can see exactly how much is needed for the entire month and beyond, so it's a lot easier to resist overspending.  Maybe that's what your husband needs.  It's hard not to overspend when you don't have a clear picture of where your money really needs to go.  For example, medical bills.  I put the entire amount on the left-hand side of the category and the amount I'm going to be able to pay on the appropriate paycheck.  It helps me see that I'm still carrying over a balance to the new month and need to stay frugal so I can get it paid.  A good visual may help. 

[Sfcmama]

Ugh. I can totally relate. This issue has been building for some time between us and blew up last night. DH has some really rigid beliefs about quality of life that have been passed down by his (very in debt) mom. To me, living in debt and fear of making payments on time is not a quality life. DH also didn't have his dad around and feels obliged to spend anything and everything for DD (taking a 1 year old to the snow).

Anyways, I'm at a breaking point and have decided to get all of our finances in one place so he can see the total amount we are in debt, what our monthly expenses are, etc. My hope is that when he sees that x% of our income goes to cable, fantasy football, whatever other recreational activity he enjoys, he will be able to come to some compromise about reducing it. I'm starting with baby steps and plan to ask him what he thinks is a reasonable goal. Who knows if this will work but it's the best I can figure at his point.

Hth! Hugs!!!

[its_betty]

Thoughts based on how I got my dh on board a year or so ago (when he had a huge pay cut and we realized that, while we could pay the bills, we weren't saving nearly enough).

What if you gathered all the information such as a month's worth of grocery receipts, list of bills and amounts paid last month, list of other expenses, and list of income. And then ask dh to help you put all this info together into a budget you can both live with. You'll make it easier for him by doing the set up work, but insist that he look at the numbers with you and you decide together how much you can each afford for discretionary spending. (My dh kept saying, "Just tell me how much," but I insisted that we create the budget as partners.) You should both keep in mind that a budget is a working document: it can change, so neither of you should feel stuck if it is not working after a month or two.

Be sure that any family expenses (the things you mentioned like food, cloth diapers for soon to be dd, breastpump, new dresser for ds) go under a family category, not a "you" category! Psychologically for both of you, I think this is important. You may have to compromise on some things: does dh agree that a new dresser for ds is needed?

Everything doesn't have to be totally equal. For example, dh was in a bowling league. It would have taken his whole allowance each week, but we decided that it could be an extra, since we had wiggle room in the budget.

When my dh and I first started a serious budget, I said that we needed to each get an allowance of spending money. At the time it was $15 a week each. Dh complained and complained that he could never survive on that. Now, he saves most of his allowance for big events.