Would this bother you???

[Bebe's Mom]

Ok, a little bit of background here. My MIL get along well, for the most part. She has been very supportive of me in the past. She was there for me when my father died suddenly, at the birth of my DD, etc. She and I share views on breastfeeding (she was an LLL leader for many years) and childrearing in general. However, she is a self-centred person, and freely admits this to me. She always says that she is happy to babysit DD, but when it comes to actually doing it, she hems and haws and acts like it is a huge deal, even if I am only going out for an hour or two. The last time we were at her house, I put DD to bed and we went out with a friend for a drink. Twenty minutes later, she called me to tell me that DD was awake and screaming her head off. I rushed back home (we were literally right down the street-less than five minutes from the house) when I got there, she and DD were sitting on a chair in the living room in front of the T.V. (which was on) and DD was playing with her Iphone, not screaming. Since DD was now wide awake, it took me over an hour and a half to get her back to sleep again. MIL said that DD had pooped so she changed her diaper and tried to get her to go back to sleep, but she screamed and cried and wouldn't go back to sleep, so she brought her downstairs and called me. I find it hard to believe since as I said, we were gone for about 20 minutes. I am of the opinion that she just didn't want to deal with DD and just called me because she wanted to go to bed...

What are your thoughts? Was I wrong to be annoyed about this situation??

ETA: I think this situation would bother me a lot less if I my own mother would step up and be involved in her granddaughter's life. But since that is not the case, I am feeling very lonely and isolated because I feel like I have no one to help me other than  DH...and I would really like to spend some one on one time with him, kwim??

[Lenisa]

I would just have to ask you...WHY put yourself thru this...You know she doesn't REALLY want to baby sit so find someone else...And just because she doesn't babysit doesn't make her a bad person...She just doesn't want to and doesn't need a reason for it...

On the flip side, I wouldn't be at her beck and call either...You can get along but from a distance even if you do live in the same town...

I have a wonderful grand baby girl but I do not keep her all the time...I love her but she if very active and wears me out...so I will watch her from time to time but if I know it will be for a few hours, I make sure to get some rest before my little darling arrives...

Your best bet is to avoid this situation all together...MIL has proven to be unreliable where you child is concerned so just don't go there!!!  Injoy MIL for what you know can be enjoyable and go elsewhere for the other stuff...

And don't you feel guilty about needing to go elsewhere either!!!

[Bebe's Mom]

The reason I go to her is because there is no one else. My mother and I have a terrible relationship(looong story) and she refuses to stop smoking when around DD, even if she would agree to watch her. We live in MD, everyone else lives in PA, so I don't get to go out very often with DH, if at all. I don't think she is a bad person, in fact I love her and get along with her for the most part. It is just hard because I have no one else, and I feel a little like Charlie Brown and the football here, if you get my meaning...Thanks for your reply!

ETA: if she doesn't want to watch her, she should just say so, not tell me to go out and then call me to come back twenty minutes later, that is kind of mean if you ask me.

[Climbing Rose]

I agree that your MIL shouldn't be dishonest.

I would be frustrated too!  I also understand having no babysitter, and I have a flaky MIL myself. 

But you know how your MIL is, and now you really know how she deals with it when the rubber hits the road.... and so now you just have to accept her flaws because you can't change her.

And really, if you put yourself in the situation again, you are just hurting yourself.  And maybe your DD.

All you can really do is find someone dependable to watch your DD.  It might not be easy, but you will find someone, like a mommy friend or a good homeschooled teen.

I think your MIL is missing out on a lot by not babysitting, but that's her choice.

[mamalisa]

Find a sitter.  Seriously.  Just because she's family doesn't make her the best choice. There are plenty of teen/college/moms/retired folks out there that would be happy to babysit for a reasonable rate.  If you and your spouse want time away, then you need to make that happen.

[Princessjules]

Originally Posted by Lenisa 

I would just have to ask you...WHY put yourself thru this...You know she doesn't REALLY want to baby sit so find someone else...And just because she doesn't babysit doesn't make her a bad person...She just doesn't want to and doesn't need a reason for it...

On the flip side, I wouldn't be at her beck and call either...You can get along but from a distance even if you do live in the same town...

I have a wonderful grand baby girl but I do not keep her all the time...I love her but she if very active and wears me out...so I will watch her from time to time but if I know it will be for a few hours, I make sure to get some rest before my little darling arrives...

Your best bet is to avoid this situation all together...MIL has proven to be unreliable where you child is concerned so just don't go there!!!  Injoy MIL for what you know can be enjoyable and go elsewhere for the other stuff...

And don't you feel guilty about needing to go elsewhere either!!!

I completely agree

Do you have other friends that have babysitters? You could ask them for recommendations. When I babysat for a family, they recommended me to all of their friends, and it worked out really well for everyone.

[Linda on the move]

Either hire a sitter or swap off with a friend.

Swapping kids is GREAT. We did this with another family when our kids were really small. One friday night, they would drop their little girl off at our house for a couple of hours, and the next friday night, we'd drop our kids at their house. The kids enjoyed each other and both couples got to spend some one on one time.

Lots and lots of families live far from their parents, or have parents that they really can't leave their kids with. You do deserve a break, but it isn't your MIL's job to provide it.

[pjs]

I have no one either. My mom lives 1.5 hrs away and in the past I've asked her to watch my kids once a year so dh and I could go out ( usually for one of his work functions) and you'd think I'm asking her for a kidney. She gladly watches my nephew 2+ days a week, every week, but they live five minutes away. Even if you included driving time, my mom's once a year sitting for me is less than one day of her sitting for my nephew. Being totally pissed off about this ( yes I know life is not fair and she doesn't have to help me, but it plain hurts me that my mom could be so willing to help my bro but I ask her for help once a year and it's guilt trips abounds). Anyway I decided to stop asking her.

It's been quite awhile since I last asked her and out of the blue she offered to sit for us so dh and I could celebrate our anniversary. I was apprehensive but figured she's offering so why not? Um, a tiger does not change it's stripes. First, we couldn't have a date close to our anniversary because my bro and sil need her to sit so they can go out ( they usually go out anywhere from 1-3 times per month, while dh and I go out once a year and like I said, it's usually for one of his work functions.). Ok, fine, whatever. I tell her we'll look at our calendars and come up with another date. So I approach her with a different date and she starts grumbling because though her and my dad hadn't made any plans, they were thinking about making plans and having to sit for us eliminates that possibility. My parents can go out 365 evenings a year, save for when they're sitting for my nephew, so why oh why does she have to make it like I'm asking them to cancel their plans so she can do me a favor, when she offered in the first place and she didn't make plans? They'd only sit on a fri or sat night, so why after offering to sit on a fri or sat night would you then proceed to think about making plans for all the fri and sat nights?

I guess the whole thing bothers me because I have made plans with them to join us in celebrating in the past for fairly significant things- religious events, birthdays, etc and it doesn't matter if I've " booked" the date with them a year ahead of time, if a better offer comes up ( like neighbor invited them to dinner) they bail on me ( whether it's their grandchild's baptism or what have you). I guess it just comes down to feeling like my kids are never ever a priority with them and it hurts. I go through cycles of trying to work to be closer, but I don't know why I torture myself. We're not a priority for them so I don't need to feel bad when they're not a priority for us.

[Bebe's Mom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

. You do deserve a break, but it isn't your MIL's job to provide it.

You're right it is not her "job"...But when she offers to do it, and then backs out of it or grumbles about it, that is what bothers me...Don't offer if you don't want to do it.

PJS, I am so sorry about your situation..I can totally sympathize. My mother and I don't have a good relationship and I would not even bother to ask her to watch DD. Not because she wouldn't do it, but because she would not honor any of my requests..Such as not watching T.V. with DD, smoking around her, etc.. (I don't mind if people watch tv, I just don't want them watching children's programs with her.)

[SamuraiMom]

Perhaps she *thought* she could handle watching your DD, but then freaked out and decided she couldn't. Maybe she was afraid she would fall asleep and not hear the LO if she woke up. She should be more honest about not wanting to babysit, but maybe she can't for some reason. I would just accept that she's not going to do it and try to find someone else. Or get DD to bed earlier so you and DH can eat take out and watch a movie alone. I know it's easier said than done, I can't get my kids to bed before 10 lately, DH and I haven't even been out to dinner alone since I can remember, but someday it WILL happen!

[lookatreestar]

that would be annoying... i'd find a friend i could trust and do the swap or really search for a sitter. my mom does the same thing, acts like she will watch my kids or spend time with them but it doesn't ever really happen  luckily my MIL really doesn't mind watching them (in fact she enjoys it!) so i can squeeze in a break here and there. 

[Linda on the move]

may be some grandmas like the idea of babysitting, but they don't like the reality of it.

[Bebe's Mom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

may be some grandmas like the idea of babysitting, but they don't like the reality of it.

Yes to this. I believe she has the best intentions, but when it comes down to it , she just can't follow through. It is still annoying though. Since we live out of state, it's not like I ask her very often..We will eventually have to find a babysitter. My neighbor always offers to babysit, and she has done so a couple of times. Which is great, although she never asks me to reciprocate and I feel like I am imposing on her...She has a son who is 3 months younger than my DD. I have told her many times that I would be very happy to watch her son for her, but I think she is very protective and doesn't like to leave him with non family members. maybe when he gets a bit older...

[crazyms]

I know the feeling. It's really stressful when you don't have any help. My dh works off and so while he's at work it's just me and him with the kids in a strange area. I obviously don't have any sitters for this reason. I can occasionally get my brother or sister to keep them but even though I always pay them to babysit it only happens if I really need someone to keep the kids for some reason. My mom very rarely ever keeps them and it's annoying. Especially since if dh gets a day off it's rare (he works 7days/wk) and the only chance we'd have to go but she will have plans (doing the same thing she does every weekend night of every weekend). It's just annoying. We have no one else we could trust to keep them. We just don't go out. We can't. At this point I think the next time we'll have a date will be... hmm new baby is due in April/May so I would think about May of 2025? Might could skim a couple of years off of that if the kids are good and can be trusted to stay home with dd when she's old enough so then maybe about 2020.