Need a support system to help keep me strong!

[septmommy]

3.5 years ago my life was happy, sane, and normal other than an amicable divorce.  Then I met a man who has introduced such drama and dysfunction to my life that I don't even recognize myself anymore. "I" would never have gotten caught up in this. "I" would have been stronger and smarter.  But here I am and I have been sucked into the abuse cycle I used to pity other women for.

We met fresh out of divorces. He was the opposite of my ex in all ways good and bad.  Dynamic, sexual, emotive, and fun..I was hooked by date #2. Within 4 months he was living with me and I learned of his explosive past with his ex and that he is an alcoholic. Why did I stay? I don't know.  Things got crazy in our house and his drinking became too much to bare.  I moved out. He became very nasty.  He threatened me and would call all the time screaming and cursing. His car was in my name and he refused to switch it to his so I had no choice, but to report it stolen.  The police called him, he denied having the car, but within hours the car (smashed to pieces by his baseball bat) was towed into my driveway.  I got an order of protection.  I was a wreck.  He has custody of his 4 young girls and I had been raising them and loving them and hated  not knowing how they were.  He broke the order constantly by calling and texting "I love you" and "I'm sorry".  I reported it to the police but they did nothing.  Then the texts told me  his mother had pancreatic cancer and was dying.  He would leave sobbing voice mails and eventually I broke down and answered the phone.  Like a snowball our relationship came back to life despite all my knowledge that I should be running far away from him, not towards him. I thought I could heal him and his children. He had gotten sober and I fooled myself into thinking he had really changed.  Things were great.  I went to court and they dropped the contact part of the order, although I still have a basic PFA.   It was humiliating and I was definitely scolded by the judge that I would not be taken as seriously next time.  We dated, we moved back in with each other, we actively were planning a wedding. Then the drinking came back full force and I left before things got ugly again.  He cried and begged and pleaded for us to at least still be friends.  I gave in out of a desire not to let things get nasty. That was in September.  Since then I have been on a dysfunctional roller coaster  with him.  We get close, things are good, I loose will power and sleep with him (always the best part of our relationship) and then realize what a mistake I made and I pull away.  He freaks out, starts getting nasty, calling a million times, etc and I agree to be friends so that the nastiness will stop.  It is so stupid of me.  I KNOW better.  I have decided to handle this like I would any other addiction.  I am going to suffer through the detox (him being nasty), go cold turkey (no communicating), and get over him once and for all.  I am embarrassing myself publicly here by announcing the dysfunction of my life.  I would love all the support I can get as I know I am in for a rough time.   I am in no  fear for my safety, just expecting him to show up and call all the  time.  I know I could call the cops for harassment, but after backing out of the original PFA I'm sure they won't take me too seriously.  And I was stupid enough to once again have his car in my name and so here we go again.

As I just read this I feel so dumb.  I can't believe I posted this.  I'm a doula, an attached mother, a good friend.  My family is full of social workers and psychologists.  My friends are all productive, moral, and  gentle people.  This is not part of any reality I've ever known.  I really don't know how I let this happen.

As an aside.... my life is awesome now in every other way.  My kids and I found a rental house we love, my friends have been an awesome support.  My grandparents are helping financially as I attend nursing school (starting pre-reqs next week!).  I'm able to home school my kids and they are thriving.  Lots of good reasons to rid my life of this drama!

[New_Natural_Mom]

You can't save him.  You can't change him.  You can't save his kids.  You *do* have to save your own.  Keep repeating that.  You CAN'T HELP HIM. 

[septmommy]

Yes, doing right by my kids is my greatest source of strength right now.  I know I can do this and I know they deserve a healthy example of love and respect. I have mountains of guilt for bringing this into their lives. I will keep reminding myself there is nothing I can do for him, but a whole world of goodness I can give to them.  Thanks for replying :)

[pupsnelda]

I have BTDT, I understand. Back then I could not imagine my life without the drama, the chaos, without HIM. And it took more drama, chaos, heartache, tears to end it - after having ended the relationship like 10 times before - finally. But when I did, peace came back in my life, and I could start to look after myself again. I couldn't recognize myself neither, I could not believe what I had endured and WHY. It is like an addiction, I feel, and I would treat it like that. Day by day until it gets better (and it does). Maybe you need a mantra which you can repeat to yourself every time you get weak or you define one horrible scene with him from the past on which you concentrate as soon as you start thinking about allowing contact again.

It is hard, very hard, but it is doable. And worth it, I promise!

[septmommy]

Thanks for the BTDT perspective.  I can imagine how much better life will be once I go through this and am done with him.

[A_Random_Phrase]

BTDT also. When it gets bad enough, you won't go back. There comes a point where the pain/fear/whatever it is of staying with him is greater than staying away from him. I used to wonder how women could stay in abusive relationships. It was so "obvious" to me that they should leave, then I learned the dynamics first-hand. I did take a class that mentioned abuse and they said that when he has sex with you is when he gains power over you again ("you", speaking in general). It's important not to give that to him because that starts the cycle again. Something about a woman's nature. I forget exactly what they said (it has been a long time).

A judge shouldn't hold it against you like that, to take you less seriously next time, but I suppose there are those that do. My ex was too afraid of being arrested to do call me (thank goodness).

Anyway, there really is another side you can reach- a safe side, a sane side without him there - especially since you don't have children together. I had children with mine, so I couldn't legally get away from him (he died a year ago, October and had been civil for about a year and a half before that), but it sounds like that won't be an obstacle for you.

I would recommend a safe house. The one I was in wasn't the greatest (a lady there kept watching violent shows about wife abuse even though it was against the rules and it gave me the creeps to be in that room because of it), but it was a place to calm my nerves otherwise. They offer counseling and other help. I was only in one for five days. They said I could have stayed longer, even though "officially" women should be out of there at the end of five days, but by that time I was comfortable with the restraining order and, like I said, he didn't actively try to contact me, so it was good. (I had two restraining orders on him - one at that time, when I was planning to get divorced and one several years later, when his harassment became too much for me.)

Edited by A_Random_Phrase - 1/18/11 at 4:00pm

[septmommy]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to experience that. I agree with the notion that sex begins the cycle again. I have made a 100% commitment that I will not give in to that again. He has agreed to have the car transferred to his name on Thursday and if not I will just file a lost plate report and cancel the registration.  Once that is out of the way we will have no reason to communicate at all and hopefully each day will get better and better from there.

[A_Random_Phrase]

Sounds good. I'm sure you'll succeed.

Sometimes all you can do is take it a day at a time. After the first restraining order was no longer in force, he would come around and try to convince me we should be together again. I had to "rehearse" in my mind the reasons I left so I wouldn't get sucked back in. I didn't like remembering, but it kept me strong in my decision to stay out of a relationship with him. (Of course, like I think I mentioned, I legally had to let him be around because of the children.)

I actually didn't think I was in it so deeply when I was living it. Only now, since I've had time away from him to heal, do I realize that it was a very bad place to be. I am amazed I survived. (It was not physical abuse, but some of the things he said to me could not have hurt worse if he had hit me. Words can be very powerful, especially to someone who has been trained that men are more important than women and that women should obey their husbands.)