Proving "PAS" Parental Alienation Syndrome:

[Jyotsna]

The other post about PAS has me wondering if there is a way to prove PAS.  My ex has been working hard to tell the kids I am a bad mother, don't allow enough time for him (we are working according to PPP, and I have offered extra time to their father, which he has refused) and in general he does not allow me to speak to my children, OR he allows them to speak, but leaves the TV on very loud, on a favorite show/movie/cartoon.  This (as the other parent said) is the tip of the iceburg.  Many of you have heard about the abusive and neglectful behavior from him. 

My post is especially how to prove PAS, not to necessarily agree with me about possible PAS in my case, or disagree.  If I decide to do this, I'd like to know how, and if you know of any cases particularly with the father creating the PAS problem.  While it is a little thing the kids dad did recently about telling of my divorce, the energy behind this was to hurt the children and me, not help.

Thanks so much...

[hillymum]

A child telling a qualified councilor can be used as evidence.

[Jyotsna]

Mike, I have read through several of your articles tonight, and the focus seems to be that the parent affected with PAS would more likely be the father.  Although you didn't state that clearly, your words create that belief.

In the case of myself and my children's father, he is the "weekend" parent, and during the weekends he has the children, he either denies the children and I telephone contact, or he abruptly hangs up the phone, or forces (verbally I can hear him telling one of the kids, "get off now, get off now!!", which is not comforting to hear from my end, nor are my children now able to talk to me from his house for fear of "upsetting" their dad.  When they are with me, he calls frequently, and they have lengthy phone calls, and he probes my children for information about me. 

Finally after 6 years of this, my children have learned to say, "Ask Mom".  But the stress of this has taken it's toll on my two children.

Just today, we received over 17 calls from him, most of them in a row, screaming into the phone at me, about how miserable I was, or talking to my son and upsetting him to tears (he's 14 and doesn't easily cry).

He rarely arrives on time (at the police precent) but get's extremely threatening with me if I miss the time by 1 minute.  Often I sit in the police station waiting for him for 20 or 30 minutes past the time he should arrive.  Most of the time I arrive early.

I'm a nervous wreck today after 17 horrible phone calls, and somehow I am supposed to relax enough to go to sleep tonight.  It's a very bad, possible extreme situation, and I would really like to read some information on PAS with the father being the one who is causing it.

After all of those calls, their dad refusing to come get them, not getting them at 6, but at 8:45pm, I'm wiped out.  My son told me today that I would be so glad when he was gone.  I of course told him it was true, that I love having him with me whenever he can be here.  My son is especially being put in the middle to be the middle man of passing information, and he has been begging for years to make it stop.  He wants to love us both, but I think our relationship is damaged and I don't know if it will ever get better.  I am so sad tonight after this lastest emotional assualt from his dad, which has affected all of us. 

[yarngoddess]

Oh Jyotsna, what a crappy situation you are in!   I have no advice at all, but just wanted to offer my support and send you some online love. You hang in there! You're doing a great job and someone will help you I'm sure of it!

[mike jeffries]

 Hi Jyotsna:

Thanks for reading our articles.  I'm sorry about your situation.  I can really empathize with the behaviors you've described.

I'm not sure which articles you read, but we have always taken the position that parental alienation is not a gender issue.  Neither Moms or Dads have cornered the market on the emotional issues that cause one partent to damage, and in some cases destroy, the previously normal, healthy bond between the child and the child's other parent.  In fact, based on the calls and emails we receive in response to our book and articles, I'm convinced that both Moms and Dads are the targeted parent and alienating parent in equal numbers. 

If you go to the Q and A section of our website you'll see we address the issue of gender.  And in the introduction to A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, we also address it.  Our position doesn't always make us very popular with special interest groups who want to believe one gender is affected more than the other, and we try and correct their misguided perceptions whenever we get the chance.

As a writer, it gets challenging to use the more neutral him/her, Mom/Dad, he/she every time we reference a parent without confusing the reader as to who is who.  Sometimes, we do pick a a gender and stick with it throughout the article for the sake of simplicity.  But it is a writing technique only, and I apologize if I gave you or anyone else the impression that only Dads are on the receiving end of these heartbreaking situations.

Hang in there.  I hope some of the other resources on our site helps you deal with your situation.

Sincerely,

mike jeffries

Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation

[Jyotsna]

Thank you YG.  It's been like this for 6 years (the time since x and I have been divorced).  Sometimes it bubbles over and out.