Should I just let this go for now? - Page 2

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by dakotablue 

Originally Posted by sublimeliving 

Grandmother means main/chief/highest ranking mother. She obviously has this ranking in your husband's eyes, and I wouldn't rock the boat. I would let her be called whatever she wants to be called. It's her special time too; she's a grandmother for the first time. It's not worth upsetting your marriage or your relationship w/ your husband's mom. She will have a unique relationship w/ your son that will develop over time, to be something completely different than a parent. Your MIL won't take your role away...ever.

Wow, sorry if I gave that impression. She does not have this ranking in my Dh's eyes at all. He has never chosen her over me and the talk we had had was because he was at his last straw with her wanting to cut off contact  if she didn't change her behavior. He has, though, as still tends to be non confrontational, but not because he has ever thought what she was doing was ok.

It is a regional thing. I don't think it would bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact she wants to take my place. That is not in my head rather what she had pretty much admitted (that she is in charge of him and the most important person in his life when she is around him) I know in my head she won't take my role, but I don't trust her...I guess that's what it comes down to. If I give her this inch she very well may take the mile...

In case anyone is curious this was my summary post of the previous talk...

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1280680/mil-update-i-think-success

After reading your previous post, yeah it would really bother me to see her sneaking to teach ds to call her mom.  She seems to have trouble understanding boundaries and since the other boundaries were laid out clearly, she may be looking for a loophole in which to gain a bit of control over the situation.
 

[3xMama]

Originally Posted by Petie1104 

Originally Posted by dakotablue 

Originally Posted by sublimeliving 

Grandmother means main/chief/highest ranking mother. She obviously has this ranking in your husband's eyes, and I wouldn't rock the boat. I would let her be called whatever she wants to be called. It's her special time too; she's a grandmother for the first time. It's not worth upsetting your marriage or your relationship w/ your husband's mom. She will have a unique relationship w/ your son that will develop over time, to be something completely different than a parent. Your MIL won't take your role away...ever.

Wow, sorry if I gave that impression. She does not have this ranking in my Dh's eyes at all. He has never chosen her over me and the talk we had had was because he was at his last straw with her wanting to cut off contact  if she didn't change her behavior. He has, though, as still tends to be non confrontational, but not because he has ever thought what she was doing was ok.

It is a regional thing. I don't think it would bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact she wants to take my place. That is not in my head rather what she had pretty much admitted (that she is in charge of him and the most important person in his life when she is around him) I know in my head she won't take my role, but I don't trust her...I guess that's what it comes down to. If I give her this inch she very well may take the mile...

In case anyone is curious this was my summary post of the previous talk...

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1280680/mil-update-i-think-success

After reading your previous post, yeah it would really bother me to see her sneaking to teach ds to call her mom.  She seems to have trouble understanding boundaries and since the other boundaries were laid out clearly, she may be looking for a loophole in which to gain a bit of control over the situation.
 

 First of all, all I can say is...uh, WOW. Seriously, WOW. That just boggles my mind that she would act that way....

Second, I agree with Petie, it sounds like she's trying to find a loophole to gain control, esp since she was doing it sneakily. Personally, given what I was able to gather about the background, I think it is something that needs to be brought up with her and discussed. Having your DS call her mom when you aren't around just raises warning flags. What else off of the list of things you discussed with her is also going on when you aren't there?

I also thought that it could be some sort of passive-aggressive way to get at you.

Goodness, I hope this gets cleared up soon for you!! Good luck!!

[Snowflake777]

I wouldn't let it go. Between her history and the fact that she's calling herself "Mom" behind your back, it's pretty darn clear what her intentions are with the whole name thing. Heck, I trust my MIL, and I still wouldn't be ok with her being "Mom-Mom". 

You said in your earlier post that you were trying to establish healthy boundaries (which is great!) and that she knows you won't put up with any more nonsense. Now she's testing to see how far she can push it, and it's up to you to let her know that you're not going to cave. She sounds like the kind of person who will try anything & everything to get her way. Be prepared for more tantrums, pouting, playing the victim, etc, and do your best to disengage. Don't give her that inch.

[mamazee]

Generally I'd let this kind of thing go, but in your case there does seem to be a very unhealthy boundary, so your situation is an exception to my usual "relax about it" attitude.  I'd just lay down the law and let her know you're serious and set up that boundary.  I have unhealthy people in  my life and I've had to physically separate and not see them for a period of time to establish more healthy boundaries.  It's worth it.  Good luck!

[Polliwog]

I'm from the Philadelphia area, too and I called my grandparents Mom Mom and Pop Pop (never saw them with the hyphen in the middle.) And my kids (and my nephews) call my mom, stepfather, and father Mom Mom and Pop Pop. 

[pjs]

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

I wouldn't let it go. Between her history and the fact that she's calling herself "Mom" behind your back, it's pretty darn clear what her intentions are with the whole name thing. Heck, I trust my MIL, and I still wouldn't be ok with her being "Mom-Mom". 

You said in your earlier post that you were trying to establish healthy boundaries (which is great!) and that she knows you won't put up with any more nonsense. Now she's testing to see how far she can push it, and it's up to you to let her know that you're not going to cave. She sounds like the kind of person who will try anything & everything to get her way. Be prepared for more tantrums, pouting, playing the victim, etc, and do your best to disengage. Don't give her that inch.

Ita. You said in your other post that she didn't understand why there needed to be boundaries and that is a huge red flag to me. We cut off contact with dh's parents almost four years ago because of their unwillingness to see their son as a separate individual- in their eyes he was merely an extension of them and because of that his life was to solely revolve around them and what they wanted. We tried for four years prior to cutting them out to instill boundaries as we went. We were consistent ( very key, they sense a loophole, they will milk it and make you out to be the bad guy while they are purely manipulating any situation to their advantage), firm, even- keeled, NOTHING worked.

Mil is relying on your desire to not rock the boat and the uncomfortable feelings you get by doing so to continue to keep you in the grasps of her emotional blackmail. Don't care, remember you're modeling for your child how to have healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. I don't think it was coincidence that we cut off contact right before my dd was born- I feel pretty strongly as a woman who never had proper boundaries modeled for me growing up and all the serious consequences that come along with that, that my daughter was not going to be in an environment where one's worth as a person was conditional on what you can do for someone else.


Good luck! (and I think your dh should be the one to address the issue, ESP based on her initial reaction the last time you all confronted her)

[Okapi]

Originally Posted by dogretro 

I am not sure where Mom-mom or Pop-pop originates from, but she is Italian from a Philadelphia suburb.  

Sorry for the mini-hijack, but I had to respond to this. My dad is from an Italian neighborhood in Philly (where his mother also grew up), and they always referred to my grandfather (his dad) as Pop-Pop, which is what DD now calls my dad (and sometimes just Pop, DH is Daddy, so there's no conflict there). Back to your regularly scheduled thread...

OP, this isn't even about how close the name sounds to Mom. From quickly reading through the thread, it sounds like you have explicitly discussed with your MIL that you do not want her using the name and she still does it. If I were you, next time you are with her I would correct her every single time she said it. If she still insists on using it, I would absolutely limit or even cut contact. It's not about the name, it's that she doesn't sound like she has any respect for you as parents, or just people in general.