Admitting he is gone...

[Zangua]

I am both a new mother and newly single. My partner started getting very depressed while I was pregnant and has subsequently gone down hill. I have tried everything to 'save' him and our relationship, lined up therapists and groups, catered to his needs... and of course none of it has worked because he has absolutely no investment in any sort of help.

Our baby is now almost 10 months old, and he left yesterday. Moved out of the state. Our 'relationship' has been over for a while- he just hasn't been able to be there as a partner in any way so in some ways I have already mourned that. Now I am just really sad that he is choosing to leave the babies life/take absolutely no responsibility for her care or well being.

I now have to pay for childcare (he was her primary caretaker while I worked), so I won't be able to afford to fly her to see him and he has no job so he won't be able to come here. I am also a midwife and have absolutely NO idea how I will be able to attend births and support myself if he is not here to take the baby at night- but that's a larger, long term problem.

I am struggling right now with simply admitting that he is 'really' gone even though I know he has absolutely no intention of coming back. I haven't told my family or many friends. I don't even know where to start, since his depression has been mostly kept quiet. It makes me feel like a failure in so many ways and I just don't feel like I can handle other peoples panic over me being a single mom with a baby. Does that make sense? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you approach admitting that it is truly over both to your self and to your community?

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi mama

First off *hugs* to you for dealing with such a difficult transition.

Second, I really do empathize with what you wrote. My situation was slightly different, in that I was the one who left, but I think I realized very early on in DD's life that XH was not interested in the least in parenting her. I had imagined him wanting to bathe her, take her for walks, play with her...but he just wasn't into any of that. I had mourned the end of the marriage a while back, but mourning my dream of giving DD a good, involved and loving father was harder somehow. I was very disappointed and angry at XH.

I'd like to gently remind you not to be too hard on yourself with regards to your H leaving. It doesn't say anything about YOUR character but it does say a whole lot about HIS (or lack thereof). Granted, a person *can* feel depressed, but walking away from one's child to go focus on oneself seems very selfish. Also, I think it's very normal for you to feel confusion (and perhaps later on anger) about his decision to leave.

Perhaps with regards to others around you, you can just formulate a stock response to their questions...like "My H left because he depressed and I really don't care to discuss it right now". That should cut any discussion short.

Finally, perhaps you could look into connecting with other single mamas in your community so you wouldn't feel so alone.

[Zangua]

Thank you for the support Halfasianmama.

I know in my heart that it's not my 'fault' and that it's really not about me at all, but damn if it doesn't feel that way when you are faced with all of the responsibility of raising a child.

I can't imagine leaving her for a night, let alone just walking away. It's so different for men.