Need help feeling like i haven't ruined my kids' lives by leaving...

[trixiedeluxe]

hi everyone, i have posted a couple times but have limited net access right now (have to go to library).  even when i can't get online, though, just knowing, though, that this forum and other fantastic mamas fighting similar fights to mine are out there for advice, support and comradeship means so much during a very hard time!  i live in a rural area where like-minded parents/families are pretty few.

ok.  ahem.  so i totally did the right thing, getting out of a toxic marriage with bipolar ex.  in fact i stayed at least two years too long because i felt that an intact family was so incredibly crucial to my 4 yo & 8 yo's feeling of being safe in this world.  i stayed until i simply couldn't any more -- started having panic attacks, wasn't parenting my children as well because i was so focused on simply surviving being married.

intellectually i recognize that they're better off if they have a present, happy mama who's not crying helplessly or having panic attacks.   but i just can't shake this deep guilt that i've ruined their lives, or at least severely damaged their chances at living happy, balanced, healthy lives, by leaving.  the only person happier right now 3.5 months after i got out is me. 

can anyone please please share if you went through this irrational guilt, and how you got rid of it?  it's so deep in there i can't talk myself out of it, even with the help of my terrific therapist.  it's rooted down way lower than my "thinking" brain can reach.  but it really cripples me -- makes me feel sometimes crippling self doubt, which i absolutely can't afford right now with the ugly custody battle that's brewing...

thanks, thanks, thanks so much --

trixie

[Forsanda]

I didn't want to read and not comment. *hugs* I'm sure you did what you felt was best for your family. Hang in there! It's a little unclear to me whether you took the children with you or left them. Either way. I hope you can get to the point where you are happy.

[trixiedeluxe]

my goodness, of COURSE i took my wonderful children with me!  we're all adjusting to our new house, our new life, only 5 minutes from the old one, fortunately  we were able to relocate nearby within our same community.

my request for help/support is that while i KNOW i did the right thing, there are times i feel so much worry that, even though it was the right thing to do, it still somehow messed them up for life.   i am wondering if anyone else felt that doubt and was able to silence that awful nagging internal voice.  i mean, if you were the one to leave or ask  your ex to leave and it wasn't as simple  and clear cut as there was extreme violence/substance abuse/etc -- gosh, this is so hard to explain -- how do you get past the feeling that even in trying to do the right thing  you still hurt the people you're most trying to save from a dysfunctional situation, ie your children?  i'd do anything to protect my boys, and it's so hard for me to reconcile this guilt/anxiety/doubt --

so that's what im' asking.  how do you move beyond that irrational guilt/anxiety/doubt?  just understanding that it's irrational has not helped me one iota.

[sosurreal09]

I was thinking the same thing! I thought you left you're kids!

Let me say I came from and abusive/messed up/screaming and eventually "broken" home and the BEST thing my mom ever did for us was kicking my dad out! I was mad she hadn't done it sooner to protect us!

You absolutely have done what's best for them. The worry now is his visitation...do you have proof he is mentally ill? Maybe the judge will agree he needs to be stable before unsupervised visitation?

As for moving beyond the guilt, I am not sure. My mother unfortunately did not..She was also Bi polar. I grew up in a very "dysfunctional" family. My mom was great but she had a lot of problems and when she went manic it was for months and it was really hard on me. I took care of her..

I will say you need to do whatever you can to be at peace with you're decision because if you don't it will eat you up inside. I think counseling would be a great option, maybe for you and the kids.

Meditation can do wonders!

I would tell the boys how loved they are and how none of this is their fault. Make sure they know you did what you felt was best for everyone and how much you BOTH love them.

big hugs mama be strong! In you're situation I would 100% do what you did!

[turtle2who]

Wow. I am 4.5 months out now and I have these thoughts as well. I don't think my concerns are as strong as yours- I mean I think about it and wonder and worry but I have a pretty laid back kid and he has handled things pretty well. As things come up I have tried to handle them as best I can. My therapist has helped me with advice on how to talk to my son about things and I have taken books out of the library for both him and me.  I still look at my niece and nephew and think about how lucky they are to have a two parent home and I feel sorry for my son. 

But I have to say- I actually think the most helpful thing anyone said to me on this subject came from my therapist when she said that there are good things that come from dealing with hardship.  That kids learn things like how strong they are and it makes them more resilient.  She said she was a child of divorce (as am I) and she said look at us- two strong, independent women who can take care of ourselves and our children and deal with adversity without totally crumbling.  And it's true, you know? 

I mean- it didn't solve everything or put my mind totally at ease just like that. But it kind of crept in- I think of it now and then and it is a bit of a comfort to think that this may make my kid a stronger person.  Not that I would wish this on any kid as a way to be stronger- but you know- it is what it is. Done. We're here and we have to find positives where we can. 

[trixiedeluxe]

thank you SO much for writing back, especially turtle2who -- it helps tremendously to hear from someone else going through this.  (and sosurreal, your encouragement means so much as someone who came from the kind of situation i'm trying to save my own boys from, that you clearly emerged strong, a good parent, and with a sense of humor!).

your therapist sounds terrific, and i am going to ask mine to help me come up with some positive messages like that to replace the anxiety/negative thoughts.  those awful thoughs do get in there, and resonate, and abide.  they undermine my sense of doing the right thing for myself and my boys, and it makes it harder for me to stand up to STBX's incredibly selfish BS (he's trying for split visitation!).  i spent 10 years placating him, trying to keep him from erupting, and it's really hard to stop that behavior in and of itself, and when i'm becoming my own worst enemy by entertaining these irrational doubts...
 

there are days i sure do feel like crumbling, but i look at the boys and just find a way to keep on keeping on.  one day at a time.  part of the problem is that the boys ask to go "home" or to let daddy come live here (some of these statements i  know are planted by their dad, btw!) .

you're right, absolutely, that it is done and we have to find positives where we can, and just work each day to help our kids deal and hopefully even flourish.  and work a little more on getting those negative voices to shut up already!

thanks again, mamas...

trix

[sosurreal09]

It will be ok and the boys will be fine. I agree about how it makes you more resilient. My sis was always very weak (she got the brunt of the abuse) and was stuck to my mom like glue. She co-slept (after dad got kicked out) until my mom died when she was 17! I was the baby and was always strong because I had no choice. After my mom passed my sis was messed up for a while, but now she is very strong and resilient and just graduated college!

If we are ok after everything we have experienced, trust me your children will be ok! It may be hard at first but once they realize how much happier life can be without all the fighting, misery, and pain they will experience a more normal life. Right now all they know was how it was with you guys living with STBX. After they see how much easier it is and more positive it is they will know you did what was best for them.

In the mean time I recommend the rescue remedy lozenges to help keep you calm! Take some you time as well, do something nice for yourself! We are low income, but when I feel like I deserve something (I have been cleaning and organizing like crazy and donating everything!) I will get myself the few day old 50% off flowers at walmart or the supermarket lol $5 isn't too much to do something nice for myself. Of course if I had more I would LOVE a spa day!

[chicaalegre]

I can certainly empathize. I have often felt like, by getting a divorce, that we have ruined our children's ability to have healthy, stable adult relationships. But, the fact is, WE did not have a "healthy, stable adult relationship," and so I hold out hope that by ending a really unhealthy thing, we will teach them at the very least what NOT to do. 

My STBXH has been emotionally abusive for a long time, and since our separation in September '10 has become more and more abusive to the point of sexually and physically assaulting me. Yet, despite this stuff which is clearly a) very serious and b) HIS problem, I still find myself thinking "If I call the police and he goes to jail then it will be my fault for depriving our kids of a relationship with their dad." At the same time I think this, I also think "This is CRAZY thinking." This is the thinking common in abusive relationships, and it is not true that *I* would be depriving them of a relationship with their dad. What I might be doing, in fact, is enabling his abusive behavior by standing in the way of him experiencing the consequences of his actions (i.e. police report, investigation, etc). 

It's a tricky, insidious cycle that I think we can only recognize as we get real detachment and distance from the relationship and abusive ex. Reading material about abusive relationship dynamics has been helpful for me in recognizing my own crazy thinking. Alanon has also been a lifesaver--and even if your XH is not an alcoholic, you can go to Alanon if you are affected by ANYONE'S alcoholism. In my case my dad and some old friends/boyfriends were the reason I started going to Alanon, but the principles of the program have helped me more in dealing with this separation and divorce than they have in any other relationship/area of my life. Because Alanon is really about US, about the way the effects of this disease manifest in the people surrounding the alcoholic/abusive person. 

It is good and healthy to model for your kids real self-care. It is good and healthy for kids to see adults set healthy boundaries, which in a situation like this often means leaving. In the end, I am more afraid of what the results might be if I modeled utter soul-sacrifice in the interest of an "intact" family. I would never advise my daughter, were she in a similar relationship, to stay in a situation where she was being abused and/or where she felt she had to compromise her values. Would you?

[chicaalegre]

I'd like to add that I think we should give our kids more credit than we often do. My kids may well spend some time feeling angry with me for leaving their dad, for "breaking up" our family, etc. I may be the one they hate at some point because I'm the "mean" one while he is the one buying them toys and giving them candy. They will probably blame me for some of their feelings that will inevitably come up while they try to work this out. But, I think they will do this because I am the *safe* parent. And, as they get older and become adults, they will be able to discern for themselves the truth about the situation, that gifts and treats don't beat out quality time and engaged energy spent with them, that their dad called me names and was mean to me because of *his* issues, not mine, that I was not perfect but made the choices I did because I believed them to be what was necessary to keep me and them safe. They will become adults with thinking capable of discerning, identifying their own problems, and taking responsibility for changing things they learned that they don't like--just like we have done. 

If you are genuinely doing what is best for YOUR sanity and health, and consequently their sanity and health as your children who you need to be happy and present for, they will know that.

[turtle2who]

What Chicaalegre said is all right and true.  

It may sound strange but I have actually wished that I had a more cut and dry reason to leave.  Not that I really wish there was abuse or infidelity . . . . but just being miserable in a dysfunctional relationship- seemingly unable to communicate about anything important without dissolving into an argument . . . . Well- it's just harder to stay SURE that what you did was right and necessary.  There is that niggling doubt that creeps in and makes you wonder- did I really try hard enough? Was there something I could have said or done that I didn't think of?  I mean relationships are hard, if I had stayed and kept trying would we have gotten through it to something good again?

[bananabee]

We can't know everything in advance. If we did, we wouldn't have picked husbands or partners who turned out to be so horrible we had to get away from them to be healthy. My DD is only 7 mos old, and her dad moved out and away in Dec. So far he has shown no intent at all of being involved in her life, and I'm kinda happy about that. No more trying to nag him to do the right thing, and she won't have to live with him treating her with neglect and disgust the way he's treated me. So...maybe she won't grow up and marry a guy like her dad the way it turns out that I did. You are teaching your kids that no matter what, no one should treat you horribly, and you value them and yourself too much to stay in that situation. It always hurts when you rip the bandaid off. You're all going to be okay. We, as parents, can't prevent our kids from all kinds of pain, but we can show them how to respond to it.

[Tarielena]

I don't have any real advice here, just empathy.  I lurk on these forums constantly because I would very much like to get divorced, and pretty much the only thing stopping me is worry about how it will affect my son.  But then, occasionally I have these rational moments where I tell myself that the mistake was made 5 years ago when I got INTO the relationship, and that mistake is still there, and the marriage is still bad whether or not I decide to go on with it and pretend for the rest of my life.  I also worry about the effects of living with parents where the mom doesn't love the dad, and that seems much unhealthier to grow up around.

[trixiedeluxe]

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!  seriously.  i needed to read everything everyone said, just like i need to breathe air.  so many days right now i feel like i'm barely treading water, dealing with leaving and the effects on my kids and my ex's crazy punitive behavior.  (it's going to be ugly -- not long ago he was shaking his finger in my face screaming that he's going to annihilate me in court.  annihilate: his word.  wonderful, loving way to speak to the mother of your children).  so the last thing i need is my own fears and doubts and anxieties undermining me, when there's so much more fight to be fought.
 

It is good and healthy to model for your kids real self-care. It is good and healthy for kids to see adults set healthy boundaries, which in a situation like this often means leaving. In the end, I am more afraid of what the results might be if I modeled utter soul-sacrifice in the interest of an "intact" family. I would never advise my daughter, were she in a similar relationship, to stay in a situation where she was being abused and/or where she felt she had to compromise her values. Would you?

EXACTLY!!! forgive my caps, but this is just so wonderful and helpful for me.  thank you.  i swear, i'm printing all these messages out and carrying them around with me.  i would *never* tell my sons to stay in a situation where they had to hide who they were, give up their dreams and their true selves!
 

[trixiedeluxe]

not to over-share, but i only married STBX because i was pregnant, and as a freelancer i had no health insurance and unsteady income.  i grew up in an unstable situation -- single mom who loved us, but we were constantly, direly broke and i grew up very anxious about money and hungry for stability/security.  i so didn't want my children to grow up that way, so even though i KNEW our relationship was dysfunctional, we had zero intimacy and trust, and i was unhappy with him, i married him anyway.  things actually went ok for a few years and we had a second (planned) child.  when this baby was 2 weeks old, though, and i was slammed with newborn and post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation and still attachment parenting my beloved older son too -- well, what a great time for bipolar STBX to try life without medication!  it was a roller coaster from there, and any good will or affection or trust or love we had was completely used up and/or destroyed.

however, for the first four years of marriage i knew all along it wasn't the right thing.  i really didn't love him and didn't want to be married to him.  i just thought having an intact and stable family for my kids was more important than anything *i* wanted -- after all, i reasoned, it's not about me any more, it's about them.  so i hear you in my heart,  tarielena and turtle2who.  in the end all the mental health issues gave me a reasonable explanation for finally leaving, but i was honestly thinking about getting out long before that came up.  and i would feel so awful, so guilty, about wanting to leave.  that i was selfish, leaving because i was unhappy, when everyone else seemed to be doing ok.  i am working hard on absorbing and keeping close the belief, the lesson, that it was ultimately better to get us out of there, in stead of raising my boys in a tense, shut down, clenched, mama-doesn't-love-daddy-but-is-faking-it atmosphere of an "intact" family.  gawd.  i'm dysfunctional enough on my own, i don't need to be passing it on down through the generations!  this is not a legacy i'd wish on anyone.

turtle2who, i wish maryland and CT were closer, i bet we'd have a lot to talk about!  but you did the right thing.  even when you feel you didn't, what you DID do is stand up for yourself and your child, and step out into the sunlight to live your truth.  it's going to be ok.  we are all going to be ok.

hugs,

trix

[LorenaAZ]

I felt the same at first and before I even left my exhusband.  I would think of...you know, how the divorce would negatively impact my daughter's life.  But after moving out and finding that inner peace that could not exist when we were together completely erased any doubts.  I am a much better parent without him, and he also is a much better parent without me.  So yes, we are not together, but we are both able to give our daughter a positive life experience.  Hope that helps  :)

[turtle2who]

Someone once shared this little tidbit with me that I always remembered-

"It's better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one."

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by turtle2who 

Someone once shared this little tidbit with me that I always remembered-

"It's better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one."

oooh that's good!

[rubelin]

my son's school director (also a single momma) told me this back when I was first single (it had been told to her) "you aren't breaking your family - it's already broken and you are just fixing it"