WWYD? Should I agree to move in with MIL?

[dex_millie]

So DH called and suggested that maybe we should consider moving in with his mom as a way to speed up paying off some bills or at least the Car loan. The bills we have are student loans - 28K, Car loan - $14,500, Car Warranty - 1500. Not sure if we will have a midwife bill yet..we will have to see how much the insurance cover and how much we get back on our taxes..hopefully that will cover it.

We use to have about 1400 extra a month but since we got pregnant we needed a vehicle that could fit 3 car seats and was a bit more reliable, hence the extra bills (we never had a car loan or warranty before). Also DH got a new job which on top everything else had to take a salary cut but the job is more technical and has the potential to move up(went from help desk/desktop support to Network Admin Jr./Nework Engineering JR.). It is a temp to hire but now we are hearing that the permanent position seems to come with a next pay cut..I guess because then we will get better benefits and paid holidays and leave but we will not know this until in April.

Anyways, the thought of moving in with MIL makes be feel anxiety, sad and depress already. I don't like feeling like I am a burden on people. Not to mention the house doesn't feel comfortable to me. It seems kinda cramped already. It is in the city(which I don't like Baltimore city, being there done that) so the house is a row house that has 4 bedrooms (2 small and 2 ok). I don't like the feeling of being watched and not having my own space, kitchen, bathroom. I might just mostly live in the bedroom and use the kitchen of course which will be impossible as I have children who will just love going up and down the stairs.

She is also very very thrifty to the point that one time we slept over there and she took off the heat at night..I was pregnant and had a toddler but I hear she doesnt do it anymore and more than likely we will pay for utilities so it shouldn't be a problem. Except that she like to clearly gave her opinion.

I don't like the public school that he maybe assign to for speech as I would not like to send him there for regular school(he has one more year before he can enter K, so I guess it will be better to attempt this thing now than any other time.)

After thinking and feeling sad and having my whole mood change for the day..I told him maybe we can try it out for the summer(3months) and see how it goes. The next thing is that he is not even going to be there much as his work will be like a hour and 10minutes away (so he will have to drive further).

I decided to try the 3 months because I know if it was my family or mom I wouldn't mind doing it but that is because (of course) I am more comfortable with them and they all live in nice areas with single houses that feel more comfortable and spacious. So I would have tried with my family at least.

So WWYD?

[Okapi]

Wow. I don't know what to tell you, but we are considering doing the same thing. We own our home, but would rent it out (should easily get enough to cover mortgage + a little extra) and move in with DH's parents. Even if it's empty for a bit, we would still be saving money splitting utilities with them. We are planning on it being for 6 mo to a year. Still, your situation sounds a little different (they respect us as parents & we get along well, they have a great yard for DD to play in that we don't, they have a camper so we will have some separate space when we need it). It sounds like there may be personality/other conflicts with your MIL and that the area won't be good for your children.

Still, if you would be able to see a big improvement in your financial situation, it might be worth it for 3 months. Especially if you know your DH will back you up if you tell him you just can't do it any longer (I have a friend who lived with her MIL for a while for similar reasons, but when she told him that she just couldn't take it any more, he kept putting her off, and that was not cool). I think a lot would depend on your personality. Are you generally able to keep your spirits up in bad situations, or do they really wear on you (don't need to answer me, just something to take into consideration)?

The logistics of it are a little intimidating. Like you said, their space is already full. Where are we even going to put clothes? We won't need kitchen stuff, for example, but we still have to figure out where it's going. Do we keep it for when we do get our own place again, or just get rid of it and replace when the time comes? How will we balance IL's wanting to be fun Grandma & Grandpa with the fact that it can't be like that every day? A lot to think about. But we, too, would likely wait until summer to get out of here, so we have a little time to work things out. What ever you decide, I wish you luck!

[Kwan*Yin]

Sounds like you are unhappy either way. You are unhappy with being broke and you sound like you are unhappy moving in with your MIL. I have done this before and it drove me into a deep depression. Looking back I would have preferred dealing with my debt and being broke to living with my MIL and dealing with what I had to go through being under her roof and her rules. Look within and listen to your intuition.

[chaoticzenmom]

I would tell him  that you changed your mind and won't try the 3 months.  You're already depressed about the idea of it.  Your debt is not that bad.  How long have you been paying on your car?  what will it sell for private market?  Is there a bus system near you? 

We are selling my minivan and getting a used SUV and we're using our tax refund to do this changeover.  Honestly, I'd let the car go and let them come after me in collections before I'd move in with your MIL.  It's fine for her to be cheap living alone, but she's going to freak when the bills start rolling in and her frugality is going to go into overdrive with all of you there.  It's going to cause a huge rift in the relationship between all of you and her, and you and your husband.  Especially with you being pregnant and needing your nesting space. 

Go to Dave Ramsey's site and find what station he's on.  Get a book of his from the library.  He's very inspiring and will help you see past the debt/credit stuff to the future. 

What else can you think of to do?  You can get a used car or minivan that will get you around for 2500.  We got one for 2800 that's not even a beater. 

[Bebe's Mom]

I wouldn't do it if I were you. Sounds like a potential nightmare.

[chaoticzenmom]

Can you spend 3 months with your family instead? 

[chely7425]

Honestly, I don't think your bills sounds that horrible.  Can you guys sit down and really work through your budget before making any major changes?  What will him driving further do to your budget?  Will you be out/spending money more to avoid being home with your MIL?  Also, I know some suggested moving in with your parents instead... but I don't know that that is a good option either, because that is asking him to move in with his MIL.  If it were me I would do everything in my power to rework my budget to make things easier before moving *hugs*

[dex_millie]

I guess I may try. It is not overly crowded that the kids cannot play inside..it is fine inside but for me it will feel crowded mostly in the kitchen as she already have stuff there and I like my pans and pots to cook in. We eat and shop differenly..she is more into getting the cheapest things..where I like quality and organic..DH suggested we can proberly get a fridge of our own to use.

In the beginning with DS she of course had her things to say about homebirth, cosleeping, ect..but she has seemed to let up off alot of it because I don't have a timid voice when it comes to my children and my beliefs in how I will take care of them and raise them and I let it be known so it has actually calmed down a bit and she really doesn't try and push anything..Although I would be afraid to leave a small infant with her as she tried to get my DS to go sleep by crying a few times..because she felt he needed to sleep then..but DS was on of those easy going babies that barely cried and anyone could have but him to sleep once he was ready and she believed he needed to be sleep train at 4 months. Needless to say she never watched DD when she was an infant and only watch DS a few times for a max of 2-3 hours and I always wonder what really happened.

I also think for me it would just be a lost of being incontroll of my own living quarters. I have been out of my parents house since I was 18years..so it has been 10 years I have been living on my own without having to deal with a parent.

I can sometimes keep my spirits up, but I never been in this situation before. It might not be as bad as I am picturing. She lives alone and is always asking/hinting for us to visit and sleep over.

It would be nice to at least pay off at least half of the car loan. Dh was really thinking for 6 months to a year...I told him we will gave it 3 months and then I will see if I can do it.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

Can you spend 3 months with your family instead? 

I just meant I would prefer them but they don't live close by. My parents are in a caribbean island (if they where here I would have jumped on that idea, they just let me do me and I actually feel I have more control even when I just go to visit them in there in house). My one aunt I wouldn't mind doing it with lives in further like 2 hours so really his mom is the closest relative besides my brother who is younger and lives in a one bedroom apt. with his wife.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by chely7425 

Honestly, I don't think your bills sounds that horrible.  Can you guys sit down and really work through your budget before making any major changes?  What will him driving further do to your budget?  Will you be out/spending money more to avoid being home with your MIL?  Also, I know some suggested moving in with your parents instead... but I don't know that that is a good option either, because that is asking him to move in with his MIL.  If it were me I would do everything in my power to rework my budget to make things easier before moving *hugs*

I have done our budget and because of this new job opportunity we had to sacrifice so that in the long run we can be better off. We had to put our student loans on forbearance and because of that we have about $350 after all the bills. Oh I should also mentioned that I had a part time home job but because of lose of funding I no longer am working eighter..I just applied for unemployment and suppose to get an extra $100 I week..I believe.

I don't like the driving further eighter as right now he already drives about 45mins-1 hour..So basically he is gone from about 11-12 hours a day.

Also if it is true that the company will decrease his salary if he is hired on permanently that means even less money..IF it does happen he will be looking for a next job though.

But I guess the point DH is making is that we will have at least $1000 to put on bills. As of right now..I feel like we are living paycheck to paycheck..

[crazyms]

I wouldn't be able to do it but then again I have trouble surviving a one hour visit with my in laws. Honestly the bills don't sound that bad to me. Are there some ways that you could cut costs in the budget? Maybe cutting out cable or internet, meal planning to lower the food budget, some way to cut fuel costs. I understand wanting to pay off bills. We're trying to do that now ourselves. I've been looking at our budget the last few days and so far I've come up with a few items we use that we can replace with reusable, a meal plan to hopefully cut the grocery bill, and a new phone plan that would cut our phone costs almost in half. Maybe you can rework the budget a little to save some money. I'd look at ways to cut costs even if you decide to move in with the in laws because it'll still help to speed up the process.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by Kwan*Yin 

Sounds like you are unhappy either way. You are unhappy with being broke and you sound like you are unhappy moving in with your MIL. I have done this before and it drove me into a deep depression. Looking back I would have preferred dealing with my debt and being broke to living with my MIL and dealing with what I had to go through being under her roof and her rules. Look within and listen to your intuition.

Hi,

I am actually not unhappy to where I am sad and depress about it, I just look at it as a sacrifice for now as DH climbs the ladder. So I don't get gray hairs over anything. We are in a position where we can live on our salary (with the studend loans being on forberance) without added extra debt. We can make some adjustments to our budget. I know that mostly in the food department as I buy all organic fruits, vegetables, beans, rice, pastas and free roaming chicken for me and DH (mostly him) as the kids are vegetarians.

I also started using our portable washing machine to wash our cloths and just hang them indoors..so I am reducing the money to go to the laundrymat. I need to ask DH SIL about how it is..she have stayed with her a few months also when their house forclosed. I know she didn't want to spend more than a year there, but they ended up staying less than 6 months anyways.

[crazyms]

I was posting at the same time as you and just saw the last post. Staying with the inlaws would give you that extra money to put towards the bills but I would also consider how much impact it will really make. If you stay at the inlaws and have $1000 extra to put towards paying off bills great. But if you have 15000+ in bills it would take a year and a half or more to pay them off. If staying there is going to be depressing for you and it's only for 3 months or so then it may not be worth the impact it'll make. If you decide to go I would consider taking the $1000 extra a month you saved and put in savings for now. Then you can go back home and have a little cushion if you need it since there is no way the bills will be paid off in 3 months. Also will you be getting a tax refund? The time is coming up and if you will get a refund that might could help also.

[dex_millie]

This is our budget..Rough draft..That I can think of

Monthly Fixed bills

Rent                                   931

Car Payment                       273.09

Car Warrenty                       156.26(this is only for a year..so we only owe about 1560)

Car Insurance                       133.14

DS School                             125

Cable & Internet                      75

Cell                                       60(on my parents family plan)

Life Ins.                                 16.63 (This is mine, DH own is paid yearly and we already paid it).

Triple Alert                               9.98

Estimate Bills

Electricity                              70 (max, our last bill was 55)

Cooking Gas & Heat              150(never came up to this yet, it is usually 88, the highest was 127 only once)

Gas for cars                           300/400

Food & Supplements              450(but it tends to go higher so we need to make sure to keep it here)

Household/Hygeinic stuff         50

Laundry                                 50

Misc                                       Whatever is left after these bills

DH income is about 3384 for 4 weeks but right now he doesn't get paid for holidays, vacation or sick days..so Christmas or no day work is less money for that month.

The other little stuff that might cost sometimes is Dh pays some frozen lunches to work(I prepare also) and goes out with coworkers and friends at times..which I put these under Misc.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by crazyms 

I was posting at the same time as you and just saw the last post. Staying with the inlaws would give you that extra money to put towards the bills but I would also consider how much impact it will really make. If you stay at the inlaws and have $1000 extra to put towards paying off bills great. But if you have 15000+ in bills it would take a year and a half or more to pay them off. If staying there is going to be depressing for you and it's only for 3 months or so then it may not be worth the impact it'll make. If you decide to go I would consider taking the $1000 extra a month you saved and put in savings for now. Then you can go back home and have a little cushion if you need it since there is no way the bills will be paid off in 3 months. Also will you be getting a tax refund? The time is coming up and if you will get a refund that might could help also.

The three months might be more strain as we will be moving twice in 3/4 months then with 3 children (one being only an infant as I am due the end of Feb.). I was hoping the income tax will help cover the midwife cost so it might go to that which would be could because it wouldn't add anything extra to us.

[crazyms]

Okay looking at the budget I would try to cut the cable/internet. I'd also consider if keeping ds in school is beneficial if you're at home and okay with home schooling. I might not would pull him yet since school will be over in 3? months but maybe not sending him back after the end of the term. That could save about $200 month between those two bills. From what I figured you have roughly $800 a month that is misc/extra. I would consider possibly put extra towards the car warranty for the next 2-3 months to cut it out so that you would have the $150 month extra again. Your budgets for variable bills like grocery/household and utility look pretty low as is so that's good. The only thing I see that would change with being at the inlaws is the $930 in rent each month but you will still be buying your own food so no change there. Also since you'll be helping her with utilities your current costs are around $250 mo. I would check if that is a suitable amount to her for help or if being there would raise that cost.

Another thing I would consider: Since you rent will you have to get out of a lease? I'd check to see if that will cost you any money. I'd also check with utility companies about your accounts. Will the account stay open or be closed? Is your deposit refunded and what will the deposit be to reopen an account? If the account is left open is there a monthly minimum payment even without usage? How much?  I'd also see how much trouble it will be to find another rental, how much the rent and deposit will be. Also how much deposits/bills are with other service providers if that would change with a new rental. I know in my home town we have two main light companies and one has a much higher (double) deposit than the other. Water companies here usually run around $180-210 for a deposit with a rental also. I had forgotten about you mentioning the midwife being paid with tax refund. That's good so it won't be another bill.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by crazyms 

Okay looking at the budget I would try to cut the cable/internet. I'd also consider if keeping ds in school is beneficial if you're at home and okay with home schooling. I might not would pull him yet since school will be over in 3? months but maybe not sending him back after the end of the term. That could save about $200 month between those two bills. From what I figured you have roughly $800 a month that is misc/extra. I would consider possibly put extra towards the car warranty for the next 2-3 months to cut it out so that you would have the $150 month extra again. Your budgets for variable bills like grocery/household and utility look pretty low as is so that's good. The only thing I see that would change with being at the inlaws is the $930 in rent each month but you will still be buying your own food so no change there. Also since you'll be helping her with utilities your current costs are around $250 mo. I would check if that is a suitable amount to her for help or if being there would raise that cost.

Another thing I would consider: Since you rent will you have to get out of a lease? I'd check to see if that will cost you any money. I'd also check with utility companies about your accounts. Will the account stay open or be closed? Is your deposit refunded and what will the deposit be to reopen an account? If the account is left open is there a monthly minimum payment even without usage? How much?  I'd also see how much trouble it will be to find another rental, how much the rent and deposit will be. Also how much deposits/bills are with other service providers if that would change with a new rental. I know in my home town we have two main light companies and one has a much higher (double) deposit than the other. Water companies here usually run around $180-210 for a deposit with a rental also. I had forgotten about you mentioning the midwife being paid with tax refund. That's good so it won't be another bill.

I knew I forgot something my bad..300/400 Gas for cars. DH also as to pay 3.25 round trip for tolls. He use to catch the metro but with it being so cold and the baby soon comming he will be driving. So our Misc is really in the 300's but with my  unemployment checks that should start soon it should jump up to about $700 a month which to me is fine.

We can move in the next 6 months if we want. This was just a temp place until DS finishes school so we could have moved closer to DH job, but now he is not even sure if he wants to continue there if they look to drop his salary even more.

I guess this MIL is really bothering me as I am looking for apartments all over. I think I might just look for cheaper places or renting from people. I guess I am more a private person than I though. Even for my homebirth DH suggested calling MIL to come and look after the children..like maybe take them out but all I was thinking was I don't want nobody even know I in labor and just the thought the someone is comming down while I am in labor gaves me anxiety and makes me not comfortable.

[Adaline'sMama]

I wouldnt do it. If it makes you feel anxious to just think about it, Id say its a bad idea. If there is any other way you could save money, I would try that first. I think if you dont want to live with her, its likely to create problems that will put up walls between you forever. If you like your MIL, living with her may make you dislike her. If you already dislike her, living with her may make you never speak to her again.

[Rosehip]

I don't know if anyone mentioned this, but I would consider that the costs of moving (renting a truck, unpaid time off work for DH, gas money, etc), security deposits (that you'd presumably have to have ready to move out at the end of the 3 months) may be significant relative to the savings you'd see from 3 months of living w/the ILs. 

It sounds like you just don't anticipate this working out.  I think that in any event 3 months is a very short period of time to adjust to a very different, and potentially delicate living situation.  I have a very good relationship w/my parents, and we have pretty similar values/living styles and it took much much longer to iron out the kinks when my kids & I moved back in.  But if the whole setup feels wrong - different levels of frugality, urban setting you don't like, type of house, etc. , no amount of time is likely to make it run smoothly. 

I honestly think that living in a row house, it's going to be difficult to maintain much privacy without coming across as standoffish or insulting.  Is there even room for another fridge?  Speaking as someone who lives with family, though in a spacious house, if it's not a two-family, or doesn't have an IL apartment, you're REALLY living together - especially if you have young children.  Keeping them in your bedroom most of the time sounds unrealistic.

[matey]

I like my MIL, but could never live with her. We talked about it once. I ended up crying at the thought of living under her controlling roof. Going into it with that attitude would have just made it all the worse. I think being broke sounds way better.