I sent my 4 Y.O. to her room for the first time. Does this bounce me out of the UP club?

[Wild Lupine]

She spent the morning at a friend's house and watched movies for hours. The friend and her family are wonderful, but DD doesn't do well with extended screen time. When she got home she was whiny and disrespectful and I'd had enough. None of my usual interventions worked. She's listening to a book on tape and hopefully that will give her some restful time to improve her mood.

I'm not a big fan of time-outs or sending kids away, but she seemed to need the down/quiet time, and I didn't think it fair for me and DS to have to put up with her being unkind.

[pianojazzgirl]

Well I don't know that I'm a spokes person for the UP club or anything, but it sounds like giving your dd some quiet time by herself might be just what she needs.  I know that when I'm in a crappy mood I need to remove myself from the family, sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a bit longer, to regain my calm.  In fact I think it's a really wonderful tool to give your kids - if they're in a bad mood/feeling grumpy/feeling like picking fights/etc then one thing that might help is to go take some alone time to re-center. 

I also think you're right that it's not really fair for the rest of the family to put up with annoying behaviours, perhaps feeling like you're walking on eggshells or potentially getting in a bad mood yourselves.  In our family there are certain behaviours that aren't ok in the family room.  Ex. it's ok to feel mad, and it's totally ok to need time by yourself, but it's not ok to scream at the top of your lungs in the living room.  If you feel the need to scream then you're welcome to go to your room.

FWIW my kids are the same re. screen time.  They would have been crabby as anything after a morning of movies.

[leighi123]

I send ds to his room for "chill out time" if he is being a pest.  He goes willingly and is allowed out when he calms down, which is sometimes 30 seconds, sometimes much longer.   

[ssh]

I suggest that my 5 year old DD go to her room when she needs to calm down, but I don't send her to her room. She often goes to her room on her own when she is angry.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl 

FWIW my kids are the same re. screen time.  They would have been crabby as anything after a morning of movies.

Yeah, that combined with the end of a playdate just set her up for extreme grouchiness. It makes me so glad I don't have a TV, though DD gets plenty of screen time on my computer, we're hardly a screen free house. But not having a TV does give me a bit more control.

 

Originally Posted by leighi123 

I send ds to his room for "chill out time" if he is being a pest.  He goes willingly and is allowed out when he calms down, which is sometimes 30 seconds, sometimes much longer.   

DD ended up staying for 30 minutes, voluntarily, and was much happier when she came out.

Originally Posted by ssh 

I suggest that my 5 year old DD go to her room when she needs to calm down, but I don't send her to her room. She often goes to her room on her own when she is angry.

What do you do if you suggest it and she doesn't go, but continues doing whatever she was doing that led you to suggest time in her room? Do you or she have another way to help her when she's angry?

By the end DD definitely saw being in her room as a positive experience and could really see how it helped her calm down. Even though it was my decision for her to go, I made it comfortable for her by giving her a snack and her favorite book on tape. I think in the future she'll remember that quiet time in her room is a good way to calm down, but I'm not sure how she would have learned this if I hadn't 'sent' her.
 

[leighi123]

Ds will usually go, I just say "Levi, I think you need some chill out time, go relax and come back when you feel calm"... and he goes.  Its been routine for a while now though, he gets wound up at times and knows when he needs a break.  When he was younger I would lead him to his room and ask him to "take some deep breaths and calm down so I can understand what you are trying to tell me".    He is pretty good about telling me how he feels (mad, frustrated, silly, crazy, rude, happy, excited, and dancing - yes 'dancing' is a feeling acording to him!)

I think the few times he wouldnt go (when he was beyond talking to), I've just told him "I am going to go have some chill out time, I'm feeling frustrated because you are _____ (kicking me, throwing things, yelling etc), so I am going to take a break for a little while".   Then I go somewhere else for a bit, that works too.    

Generally "chill out time" or whatever you want to call it seems to help diffuse the situation.    Telling him to take a couple deep breaths works really well too, when he is freaking out over something.  

[mamazee]

I think sending her to her room against her will at least started out as a time-out punishment, which is contrary to UP, but on the other hand it sounds like you put a positive spin on it and it could turn into a non-punishment solution for her when she's upset in the future.  I've had to go to my own room a few times when I've been upset, and my older daughter has picked up on that and sometimes will say, "I'm angry! I need some alone time!" and will go to her room.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I think sending her to her room against her will at least started out as a time-out punishment, which is contrary to UP, but on the other hand it sounds like you put a positive spin on it and it could turn into a non-punishment solution for her when she's upset in the future.  I've had to go to my own room a few times when I've been upset, and my older daughter has picked up on that and sometimes will say, "I'm angry! I need some alone time!" and will go to her room.

Yes, I agree. I never used the word 'punishment' or phrase 'time-out' but she probably experienced it that way at first. What I did say was, 'you've saying unkind things and hurting your brother since you came home. This cannot continue. I'm going to take you to your room so you can calm down and relax.'
Then gave her stuff that I knew she'd enjoy so she could calm down rather than stew over what had just happened. Afterward we reflected on how it had helped her.

A big part of me wanting to 'send' her to her room was that she was really pressing my buttons and I didn't want to get angry with her. I could have left myself, but would have needed to take DS with me, he's too young to be on his own even for a few minutes, and DD was hurting him. Somehow that seemed worse, to leave her alone while DS and I went elsewhere, and even more likely to be experienced as a punishment than being in her room.