Shower Etiquette

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I'm having my second child 9 years after the first one.  I decided not to do a shower with DD#1 because I lived far from family and just wasn't into it.  

My SIL wants to have a shower for us for this baby and I'm looking forward to it.  She seems eager to put it on and makes a pretty good party.  I think it could be a nice time as well as a nice way for us to get some supplies that we will have trouble coming up with on our own.  I also like the idea of marking the time that the baby is about to arrive -- and, therefore, the time that I may need some extra help with carpooling, meals and etc.  I also just like the idea of marking the beginning of the time when I'm going to allow myself to start to really get mentally ready to have the baby.  

I'm having trouble understanding who to invite though.  Here are a few questions: 

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  

2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to?   

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  

4.  If you're having a women/girls party do you invite a female friend who you don't normally do "girly" stuff with?  

Other questions: 

5.  In terms of a registry (this is my first ever making one of these) do you just let the host discuss that issue with guests if they ask?

6.  Time wise I have to have the shower pretty close to the due date.  Is a month ahead still within the range of normal?  

7.  How many days/weeks ahead of the event should the invitations be sent out?  Is something like E-vite appropriate or are actual card invitations better?  Or is that something the host handles?  

I'm asking all of these questions because this is the first time I've ever had a party where gifts are kind of implied.  I don't want anyone to feel left out but I certainly don't want anyone to feel as they've been invited so that they will bring a gift.  

 

I appreciate your input.  

[crunchy_mommy]

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  Hmm I think I'd invite everyone who is very close to you... my grandparents, for ex., drove several hours to be at my shower :)

2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to? I'd invite all the cousins or just that one you're close to... in other words, don't invite 3 cousins & not invite the other 2.

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  If she's likely to hear about it & you want to become closer to her... I have gone to friends' showers even though I don't really know them, because they are part of my group & I want to get to know them.

4.  If you're having a women/girls party do you invite a female friend who you don't normally do "girly" stuff with?  Yes.

5.  In terms of a registry (this is my first ever making one of these) do you just let the host discuss that issue with guests if they ask? Usually the host includes the registry info in the invitation.

6.  Time wise I have to have the shower pretty close to the due date.  Is a month ahead still within the range of normal?  Yes.

7.  How many days/weeks ahead of the event should the invitations be sent out?  Is something like E-vite appropriate or are actual card invitations better?  Or is that something the host handles?  The host should handle all this. I think the invites should go out 3-5 weeks in advance... I think evites are great -- unless you are inviting a lot of computer-illiterate people (i.e. elderly etc.)

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks, CM!!  I really like to hear other opinions about this.  Can you answer another question?  
 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  Hmm I think I'd invite everyone who is very close to you... my grandparents, for ex., drove several hours to be at my shower :)

What about people REALLY far away.  For instance:

*I have two sisters who live 3,000 miles away and are coming for the birth so I KNOW they will not be making the trip earlier for the shower.

*SIL lives in Italy with a 6 month old child and works as a teacher.  Coming is not an option at all.  

*Some close friends also liver very far (btw 1000-3000 miles away).  

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  If you know for sure that they wouldn't make a flight out for it, then no, I wouldn't bother sending them an invitation.  Just make SURE that they DO get a birth announcement!

2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to?   Absolutely not...  If you invite one family member, you need to invite all family members.  Especially ones nearby!

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  With friends, I tend to think a little more casually.  If they're not related to you, invite who you like.  It's when dealing with family that things like this are trickier.

4.  If you're having a women/girls party do you invite a female friend who you don't normally do "girly" stuff with?   Totally!  Invite people you like!  She can always make an excuse if it's really not her cup of tea.  But who doesn't like to celebrate their friends?

Other questions: 

5.  In terms of a registry (this is my first ever making one of these) do you just let the host discuss that issue with guests if they ask?  I'd just tell the host where you're registered, and she can put that information in the invitation (such as, "IdentityCrisisMama is registered at Target/BabiesRus/Whatever").

6.  Time wise I have to have the shower pretty close to the due date.  Is a month ahead still within the range of normal?  Completely acceptable!

7.  How many days/weeks ahead of the event should the invitations be sent out?  Is something like E-vite appropriate or are actual card invitations better?  Or is that something the host handles?  I think at least 3 weeks is best.  And I've been to showers that have only done evites, or used those and paper invitations for guests who don't have email or wouldn't check often (like grandma).

[StarCat]

I say invite everyone you think you might want there.  I'm never insulted to get an invite to a baby shower even for an aquaintance as opposed to a friend.  And I never think of it as a solicitation for a gift. Yes, people will probably bring gifts but mostly its about eating, having fun and celebrating the baby and the mama to be.

The host will announce the registry on the invite and since most people register anymore I think its completely acceptable to put "so and so have registered at blah, blah, and blah" on the invite.  On the shower I just threw I put something like "please don't feel as though you need to bring a gift to join the party but if you choose to bring a gift so and so have registered at x, y & z"  that wasn't exactly it but it was something like that. 

I LOVE evite.  It saves paper and makes it super easy to RSVP.  but it would be up to the party host as to how they decide to invite people.  I used a combo on the shower I just did.  I mailed invites to their family and people who lived farther away.  I used evite for local people and closer friends. 

Mostly I would just give the person hosting a list of people, tell her where you have registered and let her do her thing.  No need for you to worry about the details.  that's the beauty of someone else throwing you a party!!! 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

What about people REALLY far away.  For instance:

*I have two sisters who live 3,000 miles away and are coming for the birth so I KNOW they will not be making the trip earlier for the shower.

*SIL lives in Italy with a 6 month old child and works as a teacher.  Coming is not an option at all.  

*Some close friends also liver very far (btw 1000-3000 miles away).  

That's tough... I would invite them if they are super close family/friends. I would be heartbroken if I wasn't invited to one of my sisters' shower, because I'd like to be able to try to make it if feasible or at least send a present if I couldn't, or help the host with the shower somehow, or SOMETHING.

[starrlamia]

Honestly I would invite who you want to be there and not invite the others.

If they are far away and cannot make it I would invite anyway (assuming they are someone you want there) and maybe include a note like "I know you may not be able to make it but Im thinking of you anyway!"

Your baby shower is about you, and not about other people, make it yours :)

[finnegansmom]

I would definately invite people you are really close to who live super far away. I would be sad if I had a sister and she didn't invite me.Maybe she can skype in or something?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I really like hearing your suggestions to mostly give SIL the essential info and then let her handle most things.  What do you all think about me giving her a list of family and friends who live far away (but would otherwise be invited) and asking her to pick what she would like to do about that?  One thing I like about that is that several of the most "important" people on that list are from her side of the family (in laws).   The advantage to that is that she knows best whether they would rather not get an invite or whether they would love to be included.  

Here's another odd ball question:  

8.  What about someone who I know is making the baby a gift but who I would otherwise not normally invite to a shower?  My old babysitter from when I was a child is an active quilt maker and is making this new baby a quilt.  I'm very close with her daughter, who will be invited, but not so much with her (and I kind of like it that way).  Actually, as I write I'm feeling like I probably should invite her, ha?  

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

I really like hearing your suggestions to mostly give SIL the essential info and then let her handle most things.  What do you all think about me giving her a list of family and friends who live far away (but would otherwise be invited) and asking her to pick what she would like to do about that?  One thing I like about that is that several of the most "important" people on that list are from her side of the family (in laws).   The advantage to that is that she knows best whether they would rather not get an invite or whether they would love to be included.  

Here's another odd ball question:  

8.  What about someone who I know is making the baby a gift but who I would otherwise not normally invite to a shower?  My old babysitter from when I was a child is an active quilt maker and is making this new baby a quilt.  I'm very close with her daughter, who will be invited, but not so much with her (and I kind of like it that way).  Actually, as I write I'm feeling like I probably should invite her, ha?  

Yes you can give your SIL the list of people & let her know the far away ones on your side probably won't be able to make it but you'd still like them invited, and let her decide on her side of the family. I think most of the planning is the host's job but who to invite can/should definitely be a joint effort!

I wouldn't invite someone just because they were making the baby something. She can bring the quilt when she comes to meet the baby or something (and she may already be planning on doing that)... If she kept talking about how she can't wait for your shower & already started on the gift, on the other hand, yeah I'd invite her.

[tracymom1]

My input - invite everyone.  If it really doesn't matter how big the party is, then why leave anyone out?  If people don't want to come, they won't come.  As for the out of towners, I would also send them an invite- especially since they are close family members.  Surely they know they are not obligated to try and make it, it is just a courtesy.

 I understand the part about the gifts and not wanting to obligate people to bring them - but seriously, I would be much more inclined to be hurt or upset about not being invited than I would about having to buy someone I wasn't all that close to a baby gift.  Just make sure there are several really small, affordable items on your registry so that everyone can select something that will fit into their budget. 

[Oregonicmama]

I'm having trouble understanding who to invite though.  Here are a few questions: 

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  I was told by my mother to invite even far way people so as not to offend anyone.  I know my grandparents in IN are not going to come to NJ for the shower, but they would like to get an invitation.  And as the person who lives far way from everyone else in my family, I can say it does make me happy to get a shower/ wedding invitation from my cousins etc . even though we both know I cannot go. 

2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to?   I agree with the PPs who said either invite all the cousins or none of the cousins.  I know my family would take that as "playing favorites" and feeling someone would be offended. 

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  I think you could go either way here, but if you want to be friends with her this would be a nice ice breaker.  And she would have the other neighbors to hang with during the party. 

4.  If you're having a women/girls party do you invite a female friend who you don't normally do "girly" stuff with?  If she's your friend I'm sure she would love to be invited to the party and to celebrate your coming baby!  If she's really not into it she can always say no.

Other questions: 

5.  In terms of a registry (this is my first ever making one of these) do you just let the host discuss that issue with guests if they ask? My SIL included our registry info with the shower invitations.

6.  Time wise I have to have the shower pretty close to the due date.  Is a month ahead still within the range of normal?  yes.

7.  How many days/weeks ahead of the event should the invitations be sent out?  Is something like E-vite appropriate or are actual card invitations better?  Or is that something the host handles?  My SIL (who is hosting the shower) sent out invites this past Monday for my shower on February 4th.  I think actual cards are better b/c it something people can put on their fridge to remind them, and some people like to keep stuff like that.  Plus, as mention previously some people aren't online or don't check their email very often.  My MIL and SIL have planned the whole shower, I don't even know what they're planning!  SIL asked me for a list of people she wouldn't know to invite, so I gave her my friends addresses and she took care of all the invitations. 

I think it would be a nice gesture to invite the lady making the blanket for the baby, but it's not really necessary.  Would she know other people there to sit with and would she have a good time?  I tend to think with parties, the more the merrier!  I'm sure it would make her happy to be invited.  She must care about you if she's making a quilt for the baby. 

[Buddhamom]

 My daughter is throwing mine this time as now she is an adult *LOL* Here is what we are doing.

1.  Do you invite people who are close to you (MIL, sisters, very close friends, grandmothers) who you know can't make it because they live too far away?   Or, is a shower more something where only people who live fairly close get invited?  Yes, because I know those relatives would still like to be thought of in this process.  I know that even though they can't make it they will want to send a gift.

2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to?   I would invite both because at least she has the choice and may want to go if her sister goes or might just want to send a gift along with the sister.

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  I am not. Just neighbors that we have interraction with.

4.  If you're having a women/girls party do you invite a female friend who you don't normally do "girly" stuff with?  Yes, because it is always nice to be asked.  My sister's wife(SIL) is not girly at all and would kill me if she wasn't invited *LOL*

Other questions: 

5.  In terms of a registry (this is my first ever making one of these) do you just let the host discuss that issue with guests if they ask? Your host generally puts where you are registered in the invites. And also mentions if it is a girl if you know and want to share that info.

6.  Time wise I have to have the shower pretty close to the due date.  Is a month ahead still within the range of normal?  Usually about 1 mo. before if you are doing it before.  My last daughter was adopted and we did a "meet the baby" party instead and did it when she was 2 mo. old.

7.  How many days/weeks ahead of the event should the invitations be sent out?  Is something like E-vite appropriate or are actual card invitations better?  Or is that something the host handles? Host handles that.  My daughter plans to do papaer invites because there are a lot of people who like to keep the invitation for sentimental reasons.  I suppose if you know who they are then you could do both and send those people the paper and then email ones to those who wouldn't care.  We also have people who have no internet access or knowledge so they get paper too. 

8.  What about someone who I know is making the baby a gift but who I would otherwise not normally invite to a shower?  My old babysitter from when I was a child is an active quilt maker and is making this new baby a quilt.  I'm very close with her daughter, who will be invited, but not so much with her (and I kind of like it that way).  Actually, as I write I'm feeling like I probably should invite her, ha?   My MIL has a lot of friends she is close to that they share their grandbaby stories and joys with and we just have her make a list of who she wants to invite and let her. And there have definitely been ladies that have made me stuff in the past that I NEVER even met that have gone.  I am fine with that because sometimes you have someone with a lot of time on their hands who may be older and things like this bring them joy so I figure where is the harm?

[clutterbug]

Just jumping in here to agree with those that said invite the far-away folks...maybe they will want to send a little note to have read at the shower, or like someone said, they could Skype in to say hello to everyone. :)

[Neuromancer]

I haven't been to many baby showers, and I'm a first-time-mom.  My friend is throwing me a shower and we decided not to invite anyone who lives outside of the city/state (including the grandparents).  I just don't want those people to spend money or time either to come to my shower or for them to feel like I'm trolling for gifts.  This is not based on any etiquette "rules."  Just my gut feeling about my family/friends.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 
2.  Do you invite, say a cousin, who you really like and who has kids and likes this kind of thing but NOT her sister who you're less close to?   

3.  When inviting a couple members of a group of neighbors do you include the neighbor you haven't gotten super close to yet (just because of time/busy life) because you've invited the other members of the group?  

These 2 are really tough & I honestly wonder what Emily Post would say in her famous ettiquette guide!

Personally, I don't know that I'd be offended if my sister were invited to a cousin's baby shower & I weren't. If she's close with the cousin & I'm not, then that is that. It's not like I don't KNOW that I'm not super friendly with this cousin, ya know? I wouldn't see it as "playing favorites" - I would see it as extending the same 'rules' to family that you do to co-workers & friends... i.e. you invite the people you consider "Friends" but not the people who you're not friendly with at all, or are only very casual aquaintances. That makes sense to me.

But what it really boils down to is - do you want to take the chance of hurting someone feelings? Or the risk of it being awkward if the cousin thinks you're only adding her to the list to get more gifts and/or because you feel 'guilty'? I personally don't see either option as super appealing, unfortunately.

As a PP said, I wouldn't invite neighbors I'm not friendly with unless I were looking to get more friendly.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks, everyone!!   What I decided was to invite both cousins and I gave SIL the guest list with a category called, "Out of town family/friends and/or people I would like you to decide whether to invite".  I feel good about that decision.  I also told my mom she could invite anyone she wanted but that was up to her.  Also, because I'm a bit awkward about gifts, I added a bunch of small easy to find to my registry.  

I feel good about how the whole thing is unfolding - many thanks to you all for the help!  

I do have one more question.  

What are the expectations about gift opening during the shower?  Is that an individual choice or is it expected that the mom will open gifts at the shower in front of everyone?  

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

What are the expectations about gift opening during the shower?  Is that an individual choice or is it expected that the mom will open gifts at the shower in front of everyone?  

Unless you've specifically requested no gifts (and some people just happen to bring them anyway), I would plan on opening them during the shower. Often the host plans games for while you're opening gifts (like, 'guess how many bibs she will get' or whatever)... Most people expect to watch the mom open gifts. Some people hate it (I don't know why, I love it!!! ) but even they tend to plan on staying for the unwrapping.
 

Glad you are feeling so good about the shower, hope it's lots of fun!!!!!!!!!