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Considering terminating my pregnancy, and not sure how to make the right decision.

post #1 of 69
Thread Starter 

Edited by CrazyCatLady - 1/22/11 at 4:00pm
post #2 of 69

No advice, just wanted to offer hugs and support, whatever you decide. hug2.gif

post #3 of 69

From your post it seems like you are more comfortable with adoption.  I commend you for putting 2 of your children up for adoption.  What strength that must take!  Your partner says he wouldn't be ok if you gave this baby up for adoption.  Is he willing to raise him/her?  I would do what is best for you and your child.  You said that your abortion in the past still makes you feel icky.  Go with your gut mama.  Do what YOU feel is best.  Not your partner.  If you do not last together he can go about his way and you are left with the feelings.  Hugs.

post #4 of 69

I agree with homeschoolingmama. Is the father raising the baby possible? That seems like it may hold less guilt than either adoption or abortion. 

 

Sorry that things are so rough right now. 

post #5 of 69

Like a PP said, I'm here for support. No one can make this decision but you. I hate that you were forced to terminate and that is affecting your choice. No one should force a woman to keep or terminate a pregnancy. 

post #6 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dmitrizmom View Post

No advice, just wanted to offer hugs and support, whatever you decide. hug2.gif



Same here hug2.gif I can understand somewhat how you must feel right now.. I found out I was pregnant 2 months after my now-DH and I met. We ended up getting married and keeping the baby, but terminating the pregnancy was definitely an option we considered when I first found out, I was just finishing my undergraduate degree and preparing to enter a PhD program. I'm so happy that we made the decisions we did, but I also think we were *really* lucky that everything has worked out for us relationship-wise, we were really still just getting to know each other even after our DD was born. My PhD program and our families have been very supportive and if I didn't have that network of people to rely on for emotional and financial support it would be much harder.

 

I wish you peace and happiness with whatever decision you make, nine weeks is still early enough that you don't have to rush into a decision in the next few days hug2.gif

post #7 of 69
Thread Starter 

He really isn't interested in parenting.  He is a 42 year old musician.  Never married, no kids, and enjoys his rock star lifestyle.  He is willing to help me with this cause he doesn't want to be a total jerk.  But we both know this baby is NOT what he wants at all. 

 

Plus I really don't trust men with single parenting anymore.  I kept my daughter because my ex-husband really wanted us to parent her.  And here I am a single mom while he is gone, hiding somewhere in CO.  Keeping the baby means accepting that I could be/will be responsible for it at some point.

 

I'm just not sure that keeping this pregnancy going is worth losing my schooling, job, home, and possibly my daughter over.  But if I end up regretting the abortion and it sends me into a deep depression, then I could lose the same stuff anyways.  I really just don't know what's right.

post #8 of 69
Thread Starter 

And of course I know that nobody can make the decision for me.  I struggle with decisions a lot though so any and all words of wisdom are helpful right now.  This is a very smart group of woman and I respect all your opinions so much.

 

I still don't know/can't decide if I should have kept or placed my son for adoption.  It's been two years and I still can't decide on that.  So yeah, decision making is not one of my best skills.

post #9 of 69
I an sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know what advice to give you because all of the choices are so hard. I just didn't want to read and not reply hug.gif
post #10 of 69

I would be hesitant to go through a full pregnancy and then put the child up for adoption, considering that you already have a 6 year old girl that is going to be affected by this too.  I can't imagine what that would do to a child to know that her mother is placing her sibling up for adoption.  Even if you don't tell her the total truth, it still may be confusing.  I would go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, hands down.  Considering all that have described, don't feel any guilt what so ever.  You are a strong mother, with extenuating circumstances, and you are taking care of yourself and your babe.  


Repeat after me.....It's not your fault.  Let go of the guilt. 

 

post #11 of 69

It is OK to honor the living (you and your daughter) before you honor the potentially living (the fetus.)  You don't need to feel guilty choosing what may be best for you and your daughter.  It sounds like you are already overextended with the resources (mental and financial) that you have.  Difficult choices sometimes need to be made and your prior experience of being forced into an abortion need not cloud the choice that you and you alone need to make now.  Good luck to you.

post #12 of 69

What about your earlier termination still bothers you?  Maybe that will help you make a clearer decision.  I've terminated once before and it does bother me because of the "what if's"  I find comfort in that decision though because it was a decision that I made out of love and concern for my existing children.  Would the father be interested in an open adoption?  If it were between keeping the child and giving it for adoption, which choice would he choose?   There's no easy answer.  My thoughts are with you either way. 

post #13 of 69

So sorry you are in such a difficult situation right now!

 

When I was looking into adopting, I saw that at least some states had the adoptive parents pay for the living expenses of the birth mother. Sorry about the possibly very dumb question (as I am sure you know well how your state works). I am just wondering if you might be offered some support if you went that route.

 

Your daughter looks a lot like our soon to be 6 yo dd. :) I hope that you both can find peace and joy!

 

post #14 of 69

I'm completely pro-choice, so I'd understand if you chose abortion, but I see in your sig where you already have "cautiously expecting someone new in August," so it seems to me that you really don't want to terminate. 

 

 

How would you feel about giving up your baby in a state that has little-to-no father's rights?  (I.e. Utah) 

post #15 of 69

There just is no easy solution.  Each option carries its own pain and its own reward as you already know.  Would the adoption agency(ies) you worked with before be able to provide housing, food, etc. assistance if you choose to give this child up too?  It would seem that the adoptive parents of your other two (not sure if there were adopted by one family or two) would jump at the opportunity to adopt a sibling.  At the very least you could be comforted by the fact that they (your two children) would have each other.  If the father of your baby knew the adoption would be open, would he be open to it?  I am just so sad you are in this position.  Many, many hug.gif.

post #16 of 69
Thread Starter 

All I regret about the abortion that happened in my teens is that I was bullied into it.  In the long run I don't really regret it and I'm sure it was the best thing to do.  I don't regret that abortion anymore than I do the adoptions or choosing to parent my dd.  All the choices for an unplanned pregnancy kind of suck honestly.  I have some fears about regretting it if I get an abortion this time because I am further along and have gotten very used to the idea of being pregnant now.  But my gut actually says that it's the right choice.  I so fear the potential regret later though.

 

And yes I could technically find an agency or adoptive family willing to pay for expenses if I make an adoption plan.  But I am only nine weeks along which is way earlier than most agencies or pap are even willing to consider matching with a birth mom.  Plus I don't like the feeling that I "owe" anybody anything.  And putting me up for seven months would make me feel obligated to give them my child whether I really wanted to or not in the end.  Plus the expenses are always very minimal and nowhere near how much it actually costs me to be pregnant.  So it's an option I guess.  But the dad really isn't into the adoption idea and I feel I should respect that.

 

You all have given me so much to think about.  I actually have some focus now in my deciding and am not just here freaking out anymore.  Thank you. 

post #17 of 69

Oh mama this is so heartwrenching hug2.gif  I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  At the beginning of this pregnancy, the baby's father made it clear that he felt it was best for me to get an abortion.  This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make...it shook me to my core.  I knew he wouldn't be able to be there for me and I have another child to care for, so I was scared to say the least.  My gut told me that keeping the baby was the right thing to do...so here I sit at 34 weeks along, feeling sad that the father won't be around much, but grateful for my decision.  I don't know what's right for you...I just wanted to share my story, for whatever it's worth.  You sound like a strong, intelligent woman...you'll figure out what the best decision is for everyone involved winky.gif

post #18 of 69
From your post it sounds as if your experience of adoption has given you an understanding that placing a child may not be the best choice for you. Along with a pp, I think that all the difficulties in your life, along with the fact that you won't be able to count on the father for parenting support, point toward placing your needs and realities ahead of everything. Which may mean termination. I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. I wish you peace as you make your decision.
post #19 of 69

 

hug2.gif

 

I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry you're in this difficult position and I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops View Post

I would be hesitant to go through a full pregnancy and then put the child up for adoption, considering that you already have a 6 year old girl that is going to be affected by this too.  I can't imagine what that would do to a child to know that her mother is placing her sibling up for adoption.  Even if you don't tell her the total truth, it still may be confusing.  I would go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, hands down.  Considering all that have described, don't feel any guilt what so ever.  You are a strong mother, with extenuating circumstances, and you are taking care of yourself and your babe.  


Repeat after me.....It's not your fault.  Let go of the guilt. 

 

 

I agree with this 100%. 


 

post #20 of 69

I couldn't read this and not post.  (((HUGS)))

 

You are in a very difficult position and I am so sorry you are going through this.  Wishing you peace in coming to a decision.

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