I am so angry, so hurt, so frustrated, so worried... - Page 2

[Smithie]

Wonderful news!

[kayleesmom]

this is wonderful news. congrats

[SundayCrepes]

I'm so glad.

[pauletoy]

Awesome news!!!

[Mom31]

GREAT NEWS!!! So thankful for this good news!

[lamamax3]

I'm so happy for you guys and your son! I was getting so upset reading the thread, and now I'm tearing up at the conclusion.

[coffeegirl]

Was following your thread and feeling for your. So glad to hear the good news!

[tiffani]

excellent!  what a relief that it turned out to be easier (for now) than you thought it would be!  nice work, mama!

[anon-a-mom]

UPDATE:

- Our FS is now 2 years old, he has been in our care the entire time. He knows his colors, numbers 1-10, he knows the alphabet, he is healthy and happy and he has tons of people who love him

- He still has regular visitation with his half-siblings

- There was no appeal of the decision, but the judge was changed (due to unrelated scandal). The new judge appears less likely to appreciate our perspective.

- Our FS's bio mom was granted visitation once a week (and of course they scheduled this at a time that is extremely inconvenient - during naptime)

- At the last TPR hearing she said she that she would relinquish, but that hasn't happened and I'm worried it's just a stalling tactic

- Bio mom requested an open adoption, which we are fine with. In fact, I want that! But again I'm worried this is just a stalling tactic because the judge could and should have simply done the TPR right then and there but chose to delay.

Our case has highlighted the very real tension between two, sometimes conflicting issues:

- The rights of biological family members of a child

vs

- The child's actual best interests

Siblings and bio parents have a "right" to reunification attempts and visitation, says the law. Yet there is zero evidence that these visitations have any benefit to our foster son. Moreover, they have clear, demonstrable risks in this case, which is WHY our FS was placed in our home separately in the first place! Argh. Two years and counting. It's not over, yet. At the begining I thought visitation was a good thing and I was the one who arranged it. But now, these visits are too disruptive (three different visits with different sets of bio family members because they can't be all together at the same time because they pose risks to one another). It's just insane.

I feel like the problem is one of mismanged priorities. These caseworkers obviously do not prioritize permanency and the child's best interests, despite federal legal mandates to do so. Instead, they prioritize recent, vague, state law that prioritizes bio family's rights. They rush from case to case, incident to incident "putting out fires" and can't take a step back to see the big picture.

[alwayslearning66]

I am so sorry you're going through this. We've had some issues of lesser proportion in the past and have been told we can simply said, "No." It's amazing what power we have as the primary care givers. I suggest you be very clear in your responses, repeat your rationale behind less visits (NOT in best interest of child) and do so in writing. I'd stay away from legal talk and focus on what you're there for- to protect the child. Also, you cannot do so very well if you're schlepping said child to stressful visits every week. Again, we had some say in this by describing in detail our FS responses to visits and any other related behaviors.

Best of luick!

[anon-a-mom]

I wish I could just say no to these visits but I can't. If I say no then they will transport him themselves - and they'll use the wrong car seat strapped in the wrong way. And if I say it's his naptime and they're messing up his naptime then they just say, "OK, let's make the visit longer and he can nap there" (which of course is completely wrong because he doesn't nap there!)

There is nothing I can say to influence them at all. They've already told me exactly that, "There's nothing you can say to change our minds."

I'm at the point again where I feel like just giving up. This is so stressful. I get anxious even just hearing my caseworker's name. I'm only doing it because I feel it's in his interests to stay with us. I've thought over and over again how much easier my life would be if we just handed him back to the system and did a private domestic adoption instead. But it's not about me.

[lauren]

Can you bring an expert in attachment to the next hearing to testify about the trauma that would be caused by any disruption to his formed attachment with you?

[anon-a-mom]

The problem is that Family Services essentially operates above the law. There is no acountability. None.

We took it to court and we won. But has anything changed? No.

They can just drag this out as long as they want. They don't ever have to let us adopt him. They can just stall, delay... until they get their way.

[alwayslearning66]

Holy Cannoli! What about the GAL? Is s/he any help? The AAG was even in our speed dial for awhile, so maybe they could be of help?

[anon-a-mom]

No, there's no GAL in my state. There's another attorney who does basically what the GAL does in other states. She doesn't like us and isn't on our side. She was our main opposition in court. I don't see her as someone who can or will help us adopt our son. Our lawyer says never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence. And intellectually I know she's right. But emotionally this feels personal - that they just don't like us. And even without that feeling, they've lied and manipulated us so many times that I don't trust anyone involved in the system. I just don't trust any of them to do anything right. So even if I felt like my son's lawyer could help us, I wouldn't reach out to her because I can't trust any of them.

I have so much regret. I wish I could just go back and start over. I wish I stuck to my guns at the begining and said, "no fostering. we want to adopt." Or that I had trusted my gut after the classes when I thought this wasn't the right route for us. I wish I had taken all our friends' advice and just done a private adoption. Or just had a bio kid myself. I regret getting involved. I regret trying to make a difference. I thought things had changed since when I was a kid. I thought the system was better than it is. I thought I could help. Now I feel like I've just caused myself and my marriage so much hurt that we may never recover. I feel like I'm a worse person now than I was a couple years ago. I feel traumatized. I'm angry and hurt. I'm weaker, constantly second-guessing myself. This wasn't the battle I wanted to fight. This isn't how I wanted to make a difference. I just wanted to help one needy kid. That's it.

[Mom31]

Oh my... nothing to say really but HUGS.

[Smithie]

I'm so sorry, Mama. 

There is nothing I can say to influence them at all. They've already told me exactly that, "There's nothing you can say to change our minds."

No, but when the adoption goes through, you can tell them all to drop dead and I hope that you do. Open adoption, my foot. I know it feels like this will never end - but if your lawyer thinks it will end in adoption, then your lawyer is very likely right. Let them stall, lie, manipulate and deny all they want. I truly think that one day you'll be able to say sayonara to this entire screwed-up clan and get on with your lives as a family. 

You can't get out of this now -your son needs you. You two are the only people who have ever parented him. You can do this. You can endure this. You are going to make it out the other end of this. 

[zombie]

You could try contacting your local and state representatives.  If you can get someone there to listen to you, they might be a big help.  I had an issue once with Social Services privacy policy, and my state rep's office contacted someone high up in Social Services and I got an immediate response.

[anon-a-mom]

Thank you for the kind words. I feel better about things now.

I know we just have to wait it out. I know that adoption is very likely. I know it's the best thing for everyone. And I know my feelings are normal. And I might feel very differently when it's all said and done. I might be like the mom who had a very painful birthing experience and in the middle said she'll never do it again, but then gets deliberately pregnant the very next year. This is just hard right now. It won't always be like this.

Thank you for your support!

[anon-a-mom]

He's adopted! We finalized!

The other 5 children have not finalized. Not sure if they will ever get permanency. There are rumors of more legal drama with bio family and fictive kin.

For the record, this case has been on-going since 2004! That means the oldest of these kids has been involved with fostercare for EIGHT years! It's very clear to me now that these kids don't get a real chance at permanency unless someone outside the system goes to battle for them - and doesn't quit.

In the meantime, biomom had more kids and they were removed from her as well. Now she has 8 kids in the system. Again, these new kids are testing our state's idiotic law that never bothered to clearly define "sibling" because these kids are part of one "sibling group" defined as having the same biomom and another "sibling group" defined as having the same bio dad. And as usual, the people they actually live with and trust aren't legally considered family.

Anyway, we adopted our son and we're so happy for that. He's truly thriving and now for him the sky's the limit! We are so lucky to get to parent him. He's truly a blessing.
Edited by anon-a-mom - 8/23/12 at 6:50am