Ummm.....WWYD?????

[Super~Single~Mama]

Ok, so my ds came home today from 4 days at his dads.  He's cranky and tired, but other than that seems fine.  He's eating peas and carrots for dinner.

BUT - his duffel bag (the one we send back and forth with his clothes) REEKS of weed.  And I mean REEKS - but just the outside, not the inside.  The smell is very strong, and very distinct - and yes I've smelled it before.

I told him that it smells, over the phone, "DS's duffel smells of w-e-e-d, strange huh?" (we have to spell things that we don't want repeated, ds was in the room, I didn't want him repeating to anyone what his bag smells like for obvious reasons).  He said that it was strange b/c the bag hadn't been around S (ex's sister) who does smoke, at all this weekend. 

So, aside from documenting and keeping tabs from now on, WWYD???  Is this worth sending my lawyer an email about?  My ex, fwiw, never once smoked when we were together, to my knowledge, and as far as I know, still doesn't, and I don't want to do anything totally rash - so please don't anyone advise that I never let my son see him again.

[incorrigible]

eww...this is a legal "he said, she said" nightmare. Mine insisted that it was all in my head. I'm allergic to pot and would have reactions just from being near xh sometimes, even though I couldn't smell anything. =/ The kids to this day relate the smell of pot (we spent the last couple years in CA. It just wafts out of people's windows openly here because having permission to use it medicinally apparently means it's ok to stink up the whole neighborhood. California is a horrible place to live with a pot allergy! lol) Anyway...they relate that smell to their dad. Its "the incense he used to burn"...well, to the little one. Ds has completely figured out what was up.

There isn't a damned thing you can do, though, if the kid or his stuff wreaks of pot. If you're sure the kid was heavily exposed, you can have him drug tested. That's admissible. If any drugs or parafinalia accidentally get mixed into the kid's things, don't touch it! Take pictures. Take the entire duffle to the police station. Explain the situation. Press charges. That's admissible.

If you make ANY accusations or even mention this too much it can be used against you though. He can easily accuse you of PAS. So much as implying that a father is doing something you can't prove (like drugs, or allowing someone to do drugs in the same house as your child) is no different to a court than intentionally making things up to damage his relationship w ds.

*It's worth noting that this only works one way. He can make up anything he wants about you, and the court will expect you to prove he's lying and even then assume he is looking out for the best interest of his child. You cannot express any concerns without concrete evidence, or the court will assume you are intentionally lying in an attempt to damage his relationship with the child. Knowing the rules of the game (and to the court system, these aren't people's lives. It's all just a game)...gives you much better odds.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Thank you, that is exactly what I was looking for.  To be honest, I really don't think it was my ex smoking.  I really don't - I think it was his sister who does smoke on a nearly daily basis and who lives with him.  Granted, every time ex has visitation its spent at his mothers house (I really don't think she smokes either....), and its entirely possible that the smell is leftover from him being at his house where his sister smokes.

And yeah, I know it only goes one way.  It sucks.  I have to be so on top of my shit, and he just has to sail along b/c he's the dad.  Oh well.  I'll gladly submit to drug testing if its required to keep my kid.

ETA - I already have sole custody, so even he were to make accusations, he would need solid proof to change anything - especially since I DO have proof that he lied about some pretty important stuff when we had our forensic exam done for custody (not drugs, other very important things that I'm not going to mention on a public board).  It's very difficult to get anything changed once sole custody has been either determined by a court or agreed upon by the parties (we agreed b/c he didn't want to go to trial, I was more than happy to).  So, I'm just going to sit pretty right now and see what happens.

[incorrigible]

Just a warning not to get too cocky about sole custody. I had sole custody. xh had supervised visitation for years until convincing a court he "couldn't" complete the therapy and abuser's program because his booky broke his knees (SERIOUSLY!). They waved the program and let him have unsupervised. Of course, it didn't take long for him to disappear. He married a high school kid and had a kid and she started using his visitation so the kids could know each other. Xh made a point of being somewhere else for almost every visitation. She was a sweet kid, so I had no problem with her spending time with my kids. (most EOWE, and sometimes a weekday for a few hours) I was even her childcare for her LO for his first year of life, 20-30 hrs per week. Peachy keen, right?

The kids and I made a trip to the west coast every other summer to visit my family and xh's family. On the last weekday visit before we left, xh took the kids to a park and get them really grimy, then into court for an emergency hearing. The judge insisted I be notified and given a chance to appear, so his lawyer called me 30 minutes before I had to be in court to inform me! He told the judge the kids were severely neglected, hadn't been fed or bathed in who knows how long, and that he had just found out I was planning to disappear with the kids and never come back... and was awarded temporary custody. I was able to prove all of the above was false, but once they were in his house he filed for permanent custody and standard procedure is to freeze everything the way it is when that happens. He forged documents, and got caught. He nearly killed the kids. The cops called CPS on him...CPS said it was the court's responsibility to give the kids back, since they'd taken them away...the court assumed that if CPS hadn't stepped in, everything was somehow created by me (the marks, the kids were asking for help because I told them to, how it was my fault he took ds to a strange doctor with a made up medical history to get meds he knew ds was severely allergic to is beyond me). After like 6 months, CPS finally gave the kids back. He was facing criminal charges for what he'd done to the kids, but was absolutely certain everything would be dismissed because he had something big to use to cut a deal. I'm inclined to believe him, since he was murdered the night before his big meeting to set it up. =/ If he hadn't been murdered, who knows if my kids would even be alive. Both kids had to go through detox (like drug addict, not healthy living), and almost 2 years later they're still receiving treatment for the physical damage that was done to their systems in his care....let alone the very disturbing PTSD issues they may both have for life now.

Sole custody can be wiped away like nothing. Don't assume that his bad history or your never having done anything wrong will work in your favor. I was called manipulative by the judge for proving he forged evidence. I was threatened with contempt if I mentioned his 2 counts of physical abuse and 1 of sexual abuse against the very kids that were put in his care. I was considered unreasonable for holding that against him! Don't get cocky. Certainly keep an eye on the pot issue and try to figure out what's really going on. Just be thoughtful in your approach.

I'm recently married now, but still frequent this board because it somehow validates everything I've been through if I can use it to do something positive. If I can help other moms protect their LOs and avoid or get out of similar prediciments, it turns my experiences into something valuable instead of just making me a victim.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Thanks :)  However, if CPS ever gets called on me (again) there is an old report that will back me up (ex had a dr call on me based on false claims when he took ds to the dr without telling me).  I do believe that your situation is the exception and not the rule.

[incorrigible]

I wish that were the case, but if you look through the archives on this board you'll find many many stories just as bad as mine. The thing we all have in common is thinking that kind of thing is rare and is unlikely to happen to us. With any luck your x won't be inclined to go there though. Managing the x is the key to making divorce work. ;)

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

I wish that were the case, but if you look through the archives on this board you'll find many many stories just as bad as mine. The thing we all have in common is thinking that kind of thing is rare and is unlikely to happen to us. With any luck your x won't be inclined to go there though. Managing the x is the key to making divorce work. ;)

Yeah, we were never married.  I honestly don't think he wants custody anyway - I asked him to babysit this weekend and he can't b/c he has to run errands....uhhh...ds goes WITH me when I run errands....

This board is also hardly a representative sample of what is common and uncommon, and what is rare/not rare.  People it doesn't happen to don't post, the people it does happen to DO post, so there is that to think about as well.

[Avani]

wow. scary. and i'm living it.

[LorenaAZ]

I wouldn't take it up to your lawyer because you have no proof of anything.  I live in a very liberal city where lots of people smoke weed, so smelling it on someone in this specific place doesn't make them a bad/irresponsible person (doctors, nurses, other professionals, etc. do it and function normally).  But I don't know what the culture is like where you live.  I would just ask him more about where the kids were and if the sister or someone else who might smoke was anywhere near them?  And be vigilant.