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Why wouldn't a dad want to pay cs?

post #1 of 45
Thread Starter 

I'm not asking in a snarky way. (although I am beyond agitated right now)  I'm really wondering the motivation. Why are some dads happy to contribute to their dc's well being and other dads feel that it is a payout for mom? Like I'm going to collect this money and go on monthly spa getaways. irked.gif

post #2 of 45

I'm sure there are many many different reasons why a dad (or mom in some cases) wouldn't want to pay child support.

 

  • They don't believe the child is theirs
  • They don't believe the other parent is spending the money wisely
  • They believe that the cs amount is too high
  • They are just plain selfish and don't want to support a child they created.
post #3 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

They are just plain selfish and don't want to support a child they created.

 

 

This is generally what I've seen and experienced. The sense of entitlement some people have is...astounding.

post #4 of 45
Thread Starter 

Assuming the paternity is known. Why low ball the amount? I mean, kids are expensive. Even if we live a simple life, there are expenses that we just won't be able to get around. Certainly some of the cs I will recieve will go to utilities, rent etc but some of it will be for their activities, clothing, shoes, dental care. Why does it have to be such a sticking point? His hill to die on as they say.

post #5 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeerMother View Post

Assuming the paternity is known. Why low ball the amount? I mean, kids are expensive. Even if we live a simple life, there are expenses that we just won't be able to get around.



Well, if the parent doesn't have custody of the child then they may have absolutely NO IDEA how expensive it is to have a child. Take my ex for instance. He's never had ds for more than 3 hours at a time. He's never had to buy ds ANYTHING. He has no idea how much food, books, toys, bedding, furniture, extra activities, therapy, gas to drive ds to school and back and therapy, carseats, etc (and diapers when ds was little) costs. No idea at all. He may honestly convince himself that it only costs X amount of money to raise ds and would have no clue otherwise.

post #6 of 45

My dad paid child support, but tried to get out of it.  First he insisted on proof that I was even his but then he just didn't want to take responsibility for me.  He has a daughter from a woman before my mom whom he was the sole parent of and my mom confided in me that the only reason he cared for her was because her mom actually died.  He was responsible enough not to pawn her off onto a different family member but since my mom would take full responsibility for me, he wanted to pretend I didn't exist.

 

He is better than my father's dad though.  He was abusive, stalked my mom when she tried to get us away, crashed into our car purposely three times in a row with me and my infant brother in the car while we were trying to get away after another attack, attempted to kidnap me to hold me as ransom to see his son - my brother, and still refused to pay child support.  I believe there is currently a warrant out for his arrest but he lays low by not having a job and living with a girlfriend who won a decent amount in the lottery (he has called my mom at work to brag about this) in another state.  when he DOES send a child support check, its been known to literally just be pennies.  He's been to jail a couple times and prison for a few years as well.

 

I'll take the dad who just doesn't want to pay child support but otherwise leaves me alone any day.  On the bright side, my brother remembers none of this and is only affected by the fact that he has a good stepdad rather than a biological father.  He's heard stories but is removed enough from it thankfully and is perfectly okay just keeping our stepdad hehe.

post #7 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

They are just plain selfish and don't want to support a child they created.

 

 

This is generally what I've seen and experienced. The sense of entitlement some people have is...astounding.


The sense of entiltement blows my mind.

post #8 of 45

It requires some weird justifications. My ex is not a deadbeat in the way you might think of a deadbeat. He has an advanced degree, he is from a highly-educated family, he holds down a steady job and he loves our dd.

 

But in his mind, because the divorce was *my* decision (he can't see that he at all INFLUENCED that decision!), it is an abomination that he should have to pay a thing for dd, that is, that him having to write a check to ME every month (never mind that it is NOT FOR ME) is the worst, most degrading insult.

 

He also thinks that because she is with him twice a week that he shouldn't have to pay anything. Because he buys her things (mittens, boots, etc.) that that should make us even-steven. Never mind that I buy her stuff, too--and more of it because she is with me more. And he hardly has to pay a thing--less than $100/month (which he often fails to pay!)

 

He thinks he is a great dad and he simply just doesn't recognize that child support is part of his obligation to his DAUGHTER. Like you, this confounds me. But it seems like this thinking is fairly prevalent among a certain subset of men!

post #9 of 45

Just plain selfish in my experience.

post #10 of 45

Whenever I ask for or mention child support, my ex simply tells me that if I am not capable of financially supporting my child, he (the ex) will just take my ds all the time, and his parents will help him.  But they won't help him help ME.  It makes no sense to me, and I am exhausted and it is late, but I really do think they think of that money as going to the mother.  I'm going to come back here when I have had some sleep, this forum served me well when ds was a baby and it looks like it may serve me well through the divorce/single parenting experience.  I am flat broke, I was a SAHM throughout our marriage, it took me 7 months to find a job paying $8/hr.  I am literally at the end of my rope, I cry EVERY DAY about money, I don't know how I am going to make it.  My ex's father is a lawyer so that is peachy for him, he gets free legal representation and I get none.  I know I just hijacked this thread, but I started off on topic!  I just need some advice/support from others who are there or have been there...

post #11 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by reepicheep View Post

Whenever I ask for or mention child support, my ex simply tells me that if I am not capable of financially supporting my child, he (the ex) will just take my ds all the time, and his parents will help him.  But they won't help him help ME.  It makes no sense to me, and I am exhausted and it is late, but I really do think they think of that money as going to the mother.  I'm going to come back here when I have had some sleep, this forum served me well when ds was a baby and it looks like it may serve me well through the divorce/single parenting experience.  I am flat broke, I was a SAHM throughout our marriage, it took me 7 months to find a job paying $8/hr.  I am literally at the end of my rope, I cry EVERY DAY about money, I don't know how I am going to make it.  My ex's father is a lawyer so that is peachy for him, he gets free legal representation and I get none.  I know I just hijacked this thread, but I started off on topic!  I just need some advice/support from others who are there or have been there...

hug.gif My STBX made the same threat. He claimed that if I needed CS from him that it meant I couldn't support the kids and he should have full custody. He also tried to threaten me by saying he was getting legal counsel from his BIL who is also a lawyer. I later found out that it was all BS.( His BIL doesn't even practice family law). Honestly, it all just sounds like scare tactics. He is trying to get to you.I encourage you to talk to a lawyer. If you were a SAHM, you might even be entitled to alimony in addition to CS.
 

post #12 of 45

This exactly. My ex is well educated, 2 degrees, great job and really a good dad otherwise. He just "wants to do what he wants to do" and that involves living the lifestyle we lived as husband and wife where he can spend money willy nilly on all his little hobbies and interests and paying child support is just not conducive to that. He nickle and dimed the CS calculator to death, until I actually agreed to say I made $300/mo higher in order to make the CS lower for him (which is fine cause I'm now making that thanks to working extra shifts). He will pay it, but I constantly hear how he's now broke because of it (ie, he can pay his bills but he can't blow money on new stuff all.the.time). Remarkably, we actually get along fairly well, but it's been a lot of arguing and fighting over him actually taking financial responsibility for him to stop trying to make CS lower and lower.

Quote:
Originally Posted by La Sombra View Post

It requires some weird justifications. My ex is not a deadbeat in the way you might think of a deadbeat. He has an advanced degree, he is from a highly-educated family, he holds down a steady job and he loves our dd.

 

But in his mind, because the divorce was *my* decision (he can't see that he at all INFLUENCED that decision!), it is an abomination that he should have to pay a thing for dd, that is, that him having to write a check to ME every month (never mind that it is NOT FOR ME) is the worst, most degrading insult.

 

He also thinks that because she is with him twice a week that he shouldn't have to pay anything. Because he buys her things (mittens, boots, etc.) that that should make us even-steven. Never mind that I buy her stuff, too--and more of it because she is with me more. And he hardly has to pay a thing--less than $100/month (which he often fails to pay!)

 

He thinks he is a great dad and he simply just doesn't recognize that child support is part of his obligation to his DAUGHTER. Like you, this confounds me. But it seems like this thinking is fairly prevalent among a certain subset of men!

post #13 of 45

Don't know if this adds anything to the discussion but I pay CS to my X. Of course I pay the court ordered amount (actually it's garnished from my pay) but I have to say it still irritates me that I have to pay. I have the higher income so I pay the support. I get that. We have 50-50 physical custody so the kids are in each of our households an equal amount of time. The reason it irritates me is be/c my X is fully educated and and qualified to get a job paying at least as much as I make but chooses not to. He chooses to work only part time and at a job that pays less than many others in his field. So because of his choices I have to pay money to him every month and it does not seem fair to me.

post #14 of 45

My STBXH is fighting me for 50/50 custody for exactly this reason--he wants to pay the lowest child support amount he can. He gives up his time with our kids all the time, doesn't want to make it up on other days, doesn't call to talk to them (granted they are almost 4 and 1.5, so this may change as they get older) and doesn't seem that engaged with them when he is with them. They tend to watch a lot of movies, never go out anywhere, and literally eat the same meals every time they're with him. I have no doubt that he loves them, in his way, but he is a pretty emotionally inept, narcissistic man who is totally caught up in his anger/hurt about our impending divorce. 

 

He says that he doesn't want to pay child support because he doesn't know where the money will be going, if it will "really" be going to the kids. I am pretty low income so the money is not extra--it would be going to what I need it to to maintain a healthy and happy household for them. Probably groceries sometimes, clothes, paying bills, etc. I'm definitely not out paying for dates with it or taking myself to the spa. Ha! 

 

So, he says it's because he doesn't trust me to use it appropriately. I believe that it's more the fact that, if I have full physical custody, he pays me a third of his income which doesn't allow him to live the lifestyle he is used to. He is already financially irresponsible and is racking up credit card and loan debt and living outside his means, so his reluctance to pay me--I believe--is more about his own financial problems than about how I spend it.

 

I have considered putting joint custody on paper just to set his CS amount lower, and then in reality having the kids for the majority of the time. I'm torn on doing this because it lets him off the hook for pulling his weight, but if he lets me keep the kids more time I'm inclined to think it's worth it for their sake, even if money would be really tight. I'm not even sure if he'd go for it, because lawyers have advised him that I could come back later and tell a judge he's not using his parenting time and get the CS amount reassessed--which is true, but I wouldn't do it to trick him or do it dishonestly. 

post #15 of 45
Quote:

Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

 

  • They are just plain selfish and don't want to support a child they created.


Totally this in my experience, though I would have used some unbecoming words to get the point across. 

post #16 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

I'm sure there are many many different reasons why a dad (or mom in some cases) wouldn't want to pay child support.

 

  • They don't believe the child is theirs
  • They don't believe the other parent is spending the money wisely
  • They believe that the cs amount is too high
  • They are just plain selfish and don't want to support a child they created.


All of the above are true, and for me D: is the reason I'm not getting anything for my son.

post #17 of 45

Refering to my sbx it's because it just plain takes money away from what he thinks is important. He has maxed out 2 credit cards and stopped paying the bills he is responsible for just so he has money to spend on himself. It really kills him that  he also has to pay spousal support. I'm still not running to get mani's/pedi's or haircuts or new clothes for myself.

post #18 of 45

Many non-custodials say they don't pay because they refuse to support the mother. duh.gif

 

 

 

Many also think they should be able to control how the money is spent.

 

there are almost as many reasons as there are non paying non-custodial parents

 

post #19 of 45

i was forced to spend time with my ex this week and at one point i pointed out that a few months ago he'd quit paying half the daycare costs. he pretended that he had no idea what i was talking about and asked me why i hadn't just asked him. i pointed out that all he does is complain about being broke and getting anything at all out of him is often more trouble than it's worth. he smirked and said 'that's probably true'. i wanted to hit him. this is a game to him, one where i fight to keep my kids cared for and he fights back to live the irresponsible life he wants.he's enjoying the struggle, and that enfuriates me.

 

reepicheep, i'm sorry you're going through this. it's all such abseloute crap.

post #20 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeerMother View Post

Like I'm going to collect this money and go on monthly spa getaways. irked.gif



I actually have heard a couple of ex's say "I'm not going to pay for her to have her nails done and her haircut". Yeah thats what mothers pay for with CHILD SUPPORT irked.gif

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