or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Why wouldn't a dad want to pay cs?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Why wouldn't a dad want to pay cs? - Page 2

post #21 of 45
My ex can't afford cs. He can barley afford his bills and his car is about to get re-po'd. He buys diapers and wipes and provides her health insurance through his job. Because I can support her on my own and I care about his well being still (surprisingly bc he couldn't care less about mine), I don't push it. But when/if he acts entitled as a parent I make sure to remind him smile.gif
post #22 of 45

My ex feels that his money is going to support me while I go to school, and that just infuriates him! What floors me is that he is under the impression that I want his money. Why does he think I'm in school? When I graduate, I'll be able to support the kids myself. At which point, he will have nothing left to hold over me. For my ex, the problem is an amazing immaturity, and inability to see the other side of a situation. Obviously it's easier to write the minimal check he has to write every month, than to be me, forced by the responsibility to support and advocate for my kids, to undergo the humiliating comments that he deals out with each check. At least now it's through DSHS, and I no longer have to ASK his highness for the money! cold.gif

post #23 of 45

As previously mentioned, I think my STBX hates the thought of giving "me" money.  He is still very angry about the upcoming divorce and clueless about why I left, so I think that has a lot to do with it as well.  He's gone so far as to accuse me of "financially abandoning" him...you know, because he has to buy his own groceries now, pay the electric bill, and I asked him to help out with (very part-time) daycare costs.  He never seems to remember that I make half of what he does, yet manage to pay all of my own bills, costs related to DS, and still pay part of the mortgage on our marital property.  And he hasn't paid a dime of DS's cost since we left almost a year ago, other than diapers and the occasional fast-food dinner during his time with DS.

 

In a reversed situation, I have no doubt he'd be asking me for $$$$$ every five minutes.

 

*whew*  okay, vent over.  wink1.gif

post #24 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

My ex can't afford cs. He can barley afford his bills and his car is about to get re-po'd. He buys diapers and wipes and provides her health insurance through his job. Because I can support her on my own and I care about his well being still (surprisingly bc he couldn't care less about mine), I don't push it. But when/if he acts entitled as a parent I make sure to remind him smile.gif


This is how it was with my ex.  Eventually, he made good money, got his bills straightened out, and he started giving me money.  We've both been more than fair with each other.  

post #25 of 45

For my DH, the act of writing a check to his ex (the woman who cheated on him for their entire marriage, spoke ill of him to the children, kept the house after the divorce but made him pay half the mortgage still, wasn't paying the bills he was giving her money to pay, made it difficult for him to see his children, and was paying an outrageously high amount and the ex still told him it wasn't enough and told the kids that he was slacking off in paying them enough) was the humdinger.  That said, he always paid because he loved/loves his children and wanted them provided for.  Seriously, he is a 100% disabled vet and was working a minimum wage job (at the time of the divorce too, it's not like he demoted himself to try to avoid child support) and once everything was factored in, he was paying her over $1000/month for one child (the other child was already in college).  He hated the act of paying, disagreed with the amount, but ALWAYS paid.  When the ex finally sold the house, he let her keep his half of the money in lieu of future child support payments.  Best thing we ever did.  Sorry, mamas, but dads can get screwed over too!!  I'm glad he paid, I'm glad that his children are coming back into his life, I wouldn't have married him otherwise, but he was seriously taken advantage of, and he allowed it knowing that his ex would make the kids suffer for it if he didn't pay up.

post #26 of 45

There is no excuse and don't bother wasting your energy on the why's. I have had the excuse that because I could afford cable then I clearly didn't need child support from ex. I also have had the excuses of I  had to pay for my girlfriends abortion and I had to pay for my dog's vet bills for reasons as to why I didn't get child support. Seriously. It's a waste of life energy. If the case in filed with the state just leave it to them to hopefully enforce it somehow and just don't count on the child support as a source of income so that you know how to budget your life on your own money. My ex hasn't paid me a penny ever for our children that I have 100% custody of and I requested the state take criminal action. And hopefully he is stalking here and reads that. *Hi ex, enjoy jail!*

post #27 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post

There is no excuse and don't bother wasting your energy on the why's.

 

I agree with this. You'll only get frustrated asking why because you can never understand the answer-- if there is one.

 

I worked with a woman whose H went to jail for back support for the kids from his first wife. My co-worker ended up divorcing the guy while he was in prison. But she said while they were married he always intended to pay the support to the first wife but something else always came first.
 

post #28 of 45

I agree with the others that there is no excuse. If you love your kids, you take care of them.

 

But it may also be partly our fault as women. We don't make our society value duty, honor, honesty, respect, chivalry. We try to deny the fact that pregnancy and motherhood puts a lot of stress on our bodies, making it harder for us to provide a steady income, and we deny the fact we need men to be husbands, fathers, etc. Our culture pushes values only as a pretense, and punishes the weak, while grooming each generation to be more "independent", i.e. irresponsible and self-centered than the last. We, as mothers, find ourselves valuing the lives we bring into this world because of an instinctual bond. Men tend to value only what our society praises them for, and avoid what seems to be criticism or punishment. Family men are considered boring now, instead of the awesome heroes they truly are, so it should not be a surprise that they are fewer and farther between. If that is ever going to change, it will be because women make it happen.

post #29 of 45

My ex doesn't pay child support - he works for cash and makes his income look like a lot less than it is.

 

He is quite happy for the government to support his children. He has always been entitled, and right now he thinks that all of his children's needs are met by what I get from welfare, so why should he contribute any more?

 

He also thinks I am bad with money and spend frivolously. He and I have different ideas about what are needs and what are wants.

 

I dated a man briefly who whined and griped about paying children support to his ex for their daughter. He earned six figures, and his argument against paying more child support when his income went up was that it only takes X dollars to raise a child adequately, any more over that that he had to pay would just be supporting his ex and her new husband.

 

 

 

 

post #30 of 45


     Quote:

Originally Posted by bananabee View Post

But it may also be partly our fault as women. We don't make our society value duty, honor, honesty, respect, chivalry. We try to deny the fact that pregnancy and motherhood puts a lot of stress on our bodies, making it harder for us to provide a steady income, and we deny the fact we need men to be husbands, fathers, etc. Our culture pushes values only as a pretense, and punishes the weak, while grooming each generation to be more "independent", i.e. irresponsible and self-centered than the last. We, as mothers, find ourselves valuing the lives we bring into this world because of an instinctual bond. Men tend to value only what our society praises them for, and avoid what seems to be criticism or punishment. Family men are considered boring now, instead of the awesome heroes they truly are, so it should not be a surprise that they are fewer and farther between. If that is ever going to change, it will be because women make it happen.


Make our society? Which society? Force and denial? To craft a proper response to this would require for me to get all riled up atop my feminist soapbox. And I just don't think it's worth the effort. I'll just drink my coffee, cuddle my kiddos and just leave it as shake.gif

 

     Quote:

Originally Posted by tree_hugger View Post

My ex doesn't pay child support - he works for cash and makes his income look like a lot less than it is.

 

He is quite happy for the government to support his children. He has always been entitled, and right now he thinks that all of his children's needs are met by what I get from welfare, so why should he contribute any more?

 

He also thinks I am bad with money and spend frivolously. He and I have different ideas about what are needs and what are wants.

 

I dated a man briefly who whined and griped about paying children support to his ex for their daughter. He earned six figures, and his argument against paying more child support when his income went up was that it only takes X dollars to raise a child adequately, any more over that that he had to pay would just be supporting his ex and her new husband.


My ex only pays to avoid having his license taken away/having a lien placed on his home.  I haven't spent more than a few seconds around him in eight years and we don't talk but he recently told me, as a fact, what all of my expenses are and how he doesn't understand that I don't have thousands of dollars saved up. I suppose it's his method of coping with being insane. And ditto on the working for cash. 

post #31 of 45

This is my ex. He earns six figures and regularly receives promotions and raises. He then complains that I am avaricious when I email him that the daycare tuition has increased another $100 or health insurance premium has increased. We don't have anything formal between us; he pays less than what his state would allow and tells me that I am putting him in the poor house with my demands for his money. He actually said that I was jealous of his success and trying to glom onto his coattails, and suggested I develop my own ambition so I can get a better job.

 

For reference, I completed my BA while working full-time and taking care of my infant son. I earn almost as much money as my ex does and he's eight years older than me. Not exactly lacking in the ambition area, ya know? orngbiggrin.gif
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by tree_hugger View Post


I dated a man briefly who whined and griped about paying children support to his ex for their daughter. He earned six figures, and his argument against paying more child support when his income went up was that it only takes X dollars to raise a child adequately, any more over that that he had to pay would just be supporting his ex and her new husband.

 

 

 

 

post #32 of 45

That is what I hear all the time.  The ex complains that he/she is "losing" half their income so their ex can continue living the same lifestyle he/she had before the divorce. Then when the one who is paying the support gets remarried and now has to finance 2 households and doesn't consider it "fair". 

 

Unfortunately I see a lot of both around here.  

 

Spouses who stayed home, had club memberships, lavish vacations, lavish homes, lavish cars who after the divorce stay in the big home, continue not working and the ex is expected to continue to fund the club memberships, the vacations,  huge clothing allowances, the big cars all "for the kids". To do so he/she has to live in small apartment that can barely fit the kids, give up the car, etc. Their lifestyle completely changing so the exes can stay the same

 

Then I see the reverse- the kids having give up everything they knew, a parent who fights them continuing private school, nickles/dimes every extra curricular activity and clothing purchase, fights with their other parent over every little thing. The divorced spouse having constantly go to courts to get the basics.

 

Its so sad. greensad.gif Its the kids that pay no matter what.

post #33 of 45

I'm not a single mother, but my mom was.  My dad would tell her that she had to come over to his house and have sex with him before he would give her the money.  :(  Some men really are disgusting. :(

post #34 of 45

oh yuck, rightkind!

 

I often feel so blessed to have agencies like Child Support Enforcement out there!  Usually goverment agencies rub me the wrong way, but i think CSE is such a good one!  Even though ex hasn't paid child support in ??? (hmm... can't remember last payment - it's been a while!), CSE keeps track of it!  They keep him accountable, and they actually called a hearing for next month!  I'm so excited - I **think** this means I might actually get some child support, which would be a freakin God send right now!!

 

And I'm surprised that the same moron impregnated so many of us!!  My story and reasons my ex has for not paying CS sounds SO similar to you mamas - yikes!  And I don't think PP is entirely off with the anti-feminist-seeming comments - my ex was made to feel so freakin entitled BECAUSE of his mother!  She fully admits to making sure he had everything he wanted growing up (she grew up poor and was trying to compensate) - and he has a VERY skewed view on reality because of his upbringing.  He really does think he's one of the most important people in existance :(

post #35 of 45


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by root*children View PostHe really does think he's one of the most important people in existance :(

 

Maybe he is! ROTFLMAO.gif

 

post #36 of 45

Dunno *shrug* DP paid dutifully for many years. When DSD moved in with us, her mom and stepdad not only didn't pay CS (now 3 years without it ;) ) but also complained that they got too used to us paying CS, that it was UNFAIR that we wouldn't be sending them anymore checks. Weird. 

 

I don't think it's a "why wouldn't a dad wouldn't want to pay CS", I think it's more of a "why wouldn't any parent want to support their child". I'm guessing some people have a really tough time with doing the right thing, and money take on more value to them than the child, especially when they know that YOU will take care of all necessary bills anyway, so they feel justified in their decision because they know that YOU will do the right thing, and the child will not go without food, and clothing, and rood over their head, etc.

 

It's a bizzarre world we live in.  

post #37 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post

Dunno *shrug* DP paid dutifully for many years. When DSD moved in with us, her mom and stepdad not only didn't pay CS (now 3 years without it ;) ) but also complained that they got too used to us paying CS, that it was UNFAIR that we wouldn't be sending them anymore checks. Weird. 

 


That is so not cool.

post #38 of 45

.

post #39 of 45


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post I suppose it's his method of coping with being insane. 


 

Sorry to be OT, but I totally laughed out loud at this.

post #40 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by reepicheep View Post

Whenever I ask for or mention child support, my ex simply tells me that if I am not capable of financially supporting my child, he (the ex) will just take my ds all the time, and his parents will help him.  But they won't help him help ME.  It makes no sense to me, and I am exhausted and it is late, but I really do think they think of that money as going to the mother.  I'm going to come back here when I have had some sleep, this forum served me well when ds was a baby and it looks like it may serve me well through the divorce/single parenting experience.  I am flat broke, I was a SAHM throughout our marriage, it took me 7 months to find a job paying $8/hr.  I am literally at the end of my rope, I cry EVERY DAY about money, I don't know how I am going to make it.  My ex's father is a lawyer so that is peachy for him, he gets free legal representation and I get none.  I know I just hijacked this thread, but I started off on topic!  I just need some advice/support from others who are there or have been there...



Don't ask him for child support.  File with the court to get child support.  If he turns around and files for custody, it will be so obvious that he's only doing it to get out of paying you child support. 

 

Oh, and ask that it is garnished from his wages.  Something tells me that that is the only way he will pay it.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Why wouldn't a dad want to pay cs?