Sad/disappointed with DH's reaction to having baby #2

[bluedaisy]

We have one child right now - DD was a surprise pregnancy shortly after we got married and she is now 2 yrs and 2 months.  DH has always said he wants at least 2 children but every time I bring up the idea of baby #2 he panics and shuts down the discussion.  I have been wanting to start ttc since aug. 

I am seriously beginning to think he will never be at a point where he is excited at all for another baby.  I don't want this to be a situation where i "win" and he grudgingly gives in to another baby that he has no excitement for.

One of the things I fell in love with when we were dating was the way he was with kids - kids were attracted to him like magnets and he was so good with them, i thought he would the kind of guy to get really excited about having kids of his own.

Becoming a mother has been one of the most incredible, wonderful experiences of my life.  DH loves DD and is great with her, it just makes me really sad and disappointed when I asked him if he has any excitement at all about having another child and he responded, no, he just feels panicked whenever I bring it up. 

I'm really struggling tonight with the fact that my primary emotions in thinking about #2 are excitment/joy/anticipation and his are stress/panic.  I understand a lot of his panic comes from the fact that he is trying to change jobs right now and is in school part time and his career path is uncertain.  I am trying to be understanding of that and I haven't pushed the issue but at the same time he doesn't seem to be trying to understand any of my reasons for wanting a child at this point.  There are several reasons that I dont have time to type out right now that would have made the past few months and the next 1-3 months an ideal time for me to get pregnant and waiting longer than that would add more difficulties/stress for me (details in post 6).  I'm only 30 so age is not really an issue for me at this point.

I'm starting the think that the only way I'll be having another baby any time soon is if we get another surprise.

Can anyone relate?  Any advice on how to be patient and not start to resent DH?

ETA - more details added in post #6

[goldingoddess]

Originally Posted by bluedaisy 

I'm really struggling tonight with the fact that my primary emotions in thinking about #2 are excitment/joy/anticipation and his are stress/panic.  I understand a lot of his panic comes from the fact that he is trying to change jobs right now and is in school part time and his career path is uncertain.  I am trying to be understanding of that and I haven't pushed the issue but at the same time he doesn't seem to be trying to understand any of my reasons for wanting a child at this point.  There are several reasons that I dont have time to type out right now that would have made the past few months and the next 1-3 months an ideal time for me to get pregnant and waiting longer than that would add more difficulties/stress for me.  I'm only 30 so age is not really an issue for me at this point.

I'm starting the think that the only way I'll be having another baby any time soon is if we get another surprise.

Can anyone relate?  Any advice on how to be patient and not start to resent DH?

With the bolded part I can completely understand why he does not want to have another child right now.  And it is at least 50% his decision.

I went through a period of time where I desperately wanted to conceive #2 and DH was not ready because we too were going through career changes and life was generally unstable.  Plus our first was less than 1 year when I was really pushing it.  What helped me at the time was that we both agreed on a time in the future when we would start TTC, that time was well over a year away, but by the time we got to that time I then wasn't ready because I was enjoying the independence that toddlerhood brought me, and then we had an oops and got pregnant 5 months after our agreed upon time.  

How old is your first?

[zinemama]

Your first child was unplanned and she is only 2, i.e. you are still very much in the thick of hands-on parenting a toddler. Your dh is in school and trying to change jobs. His stress level must be incredibly high. No wonder he doesn't want to think about introducing yet another stressful element and huge commitment into your lives.

You are young and have plenty of time. I would advise you to completely drop the subject for at least a few years. Wait until your dh is done with school and has the job he wants. Wait until your dd is older and not so difficult (not saying that your dd is especially difficult, but 2yos aren't easy.) Let your dd get to the age where your dh can have a conversation with her, appreciate her as a child, not a baby. Again, I'm not saying that your dh doesn't appreciate and love his daughter! But as the mother of older kids, I can tell you that when they get more toward the age of reason, it's a lot easier.

Once your daughter is older and your dh's life is less stressful, he will probably feel ready to discuss planning another child. I know it will be hard to back off on this, but I really truly think you must.

[mamazee]

It seems understandable that with the changes he is dealing with and having a toddler in the house, that he would want to wait.  I'd relax about this for now.  You're still young and he will probably want another child after a while, or at least won't panic at the idea.  I know it isn't easy to be patient but it'll just cause stress between the two of you to push it if he's going through so much and doesn't feel ready. 

[Linda on the move]

he's coming from a place of logic, you are coming from biology. It doesn't make sense to add to your family right now. It really doesn't. Having another baby would be adding stress. It is important to most men to be good providers, and he's struggling with that right now.

Put your energy into enjoying the baby you have and your sweet husband. Things will never be the same with either of them after you have another baby anyway. Your DH may feel very different in a year, but in the mean time, ENJOY THE BABY YOU HAVE. (continuing to bring it up will just put a divide between the you and your DH)

[bluedaisy]

Thanks for the replies....I didn't have time to write all the details last night...as I mentioned in my post I feel like the next 1-3 months would be the ideal time to start ttc. 

I work part time at a university where part of my salary is an apartment, utilities, internet, cable, phone and we can eat in the cafeteria any time we want for free.  My office is in my apartment.  All my family is close by and are so helpful.  We had dd when I was in this position and it was great to be living in community, be able to eat for free without worrying about cooking or dishes, and my boss is really family friendly so dd just came everywhere with me for the first 4 months of her life.  I really want to have another baby while I am still working here because I wouldn't have to put the baby in any childcare and I don't think there is any other job where I could get the benefits I do and still work with a newborn and be with the baby almost 100% of the time.

DH finished his masters last year and is now doing an associates at a local community college to get technical skills to supplement his masters.  He works part time.

Although we don't earn much on paper, we have very few monthly expenses and are able to save and invest each month.  We are paying for DH's associates degree in cash and the only debt we have is a small loan from his masters. 

DH wants to transition away from the university in May 2012 and possibly move back to his home country in East Africa becasue we think there will be more career opportunities for him there.  We definitely want a second baby at some point so if we don't have a baby by May 2012 I'll miss the opportunity from my family friendly community-focused job and will potentially be having our second in a foreign country far away from supportive family (for various reasons DH's family won't be able to offer a fraction of the support my family does).

So I feel like I'm not being illogical and I think DH's panic is out of proportion with our reality.  I'm starting to feel like we are going to be missing a great opportunity to add to our family if we keep waiting.

Plus, I've always wanted children close in age and I want to get a phD at some point and teach at the university level, but I don't even want to consider doing any of that until we are done having kids and they are school age....so I feel like the longer we wait, the more my professional life is put on hold.

IDK, I'm sure there is some biology/emotion influencing my decision and maybe I need to hear these responses from other women and just be patient.

[crunchy_mommy]

I can really see both sides of this. I wonder if your DH is also panicking at the thought of trying to move to another country & get his career on track with a newborn??? I would imagine that to be very difficult. Maybe you guys need to re-evaluate your "5-year plan" so to speak... Maybe the move could be put off for another year or two (taking some of the pressure off from TTC right away & also giving you more time if you do conceive, to get used to 2 babies before moving...) It kind of sounds like you guys are on totally different pages, not just with having a second child but with your career goals, geographic location, etc. Maybe it's just the way I read what you wrote, but you don't sound overly enthusiastic at the idea of moving to East Africa. It sounds like this is not just about having another baby, but also about needing to figure out a way to meet the needs of BOTH you & DH in terms of career, support system, etc. Maybe if you can get on the same page with everything else, the baby issue will just fall into place. :) I hope so, it's so sad when you're excited about TTC & your DH isn't, I've been there!!!

[limabean]

DH and I both always knew for sure that we wanted 2 kids (and we have 2 now), but we didn't feel anywhere near ready to start trying for another until our DS was almost 3 years old. If he had brought it up before then I probably would have had a not-ideal reaction too. It had nothing to do with changing our minds or being unsure about wanting another, we just weren't ready for a while. Luckily we were both on the same page about it -- it must be hard to be ready when your partner isn't.