Last night, I told DH "I hope dd doesn't turn out like me"

[jackson'smama]

I have a problem with self-esteem and probably always have.  Since I just turned 35, I decided that's it's finally time to get control of this monster in my life and move on.  I WANT TO BE HAPPY!  Here is where I am coming from (i guess in trying to work this out - as i do NOT want to see a therapist...):  i am trying to get to a point where i am happy with myself as i am and can see the good in myself.  this is COMPLETELY an attractiveness/desirable issue.  i want dh to verbally compliment me.  i want to feel wanted/needed/attractive/desirable.  the problem is this:  if he says things, i typically downplay them because as badly as i want to hear them it feels awkward or embarassing to bask in the moment - like my response SHOULD be to say "no, nuh-uh", etc...!?!?!?!?!  there is also that huge feeling that a strong person doesn't need verbal validation from his or her partner so then i feel like i shouldn't even need or want this.  it is SO CONFUSING.  disappointing.  tiring. 

but i can't wrap my mind about how to go about changing this in myself.  i do NOT want my dd to grow up like this. 

i don't know why, but everything about my physical body is an issue for me.  when i look in the mirror after getting ready, i actually can usually feel like i "look good", but if i don't hear that from dh, then i don't feel like i look that good anymore.  the thought in my head was like "you were wrong".  but if he does say it it feels like a tape recorder "you look nice" which doesn't feel like a real compliment so i say "thanks" and blow it off in my mind.  after three children, i am not happy with my body though most people can't believe i had my youngest 4 months ago.  dh never says anything about my body unless he hears me complain about it.  then, it's just a counterpoint to what i've said:

me:  'i need to lose a few more pounds'

dh:  'no you don't' OR 'you just had a baby'

neither really feel like a boosting compliment.  but then again, maybe i shouldn't NEED a boosting compliment.  i just need to feel better about myself and not give a hoot what he thinks, right?!?!?  i just don't know how to get there.

this goes deep enough to feel insecure about most if not all aspects of my body.  i can't verbalize what i want sexually b/c i feel too embarassed - almost like i'm not "sexy enough" to have the right to what i want (if that makes any sense). 

this is so embarassing to admit:  my dh has witnessed the natural, unmedicated birth of his three children.  i still hold some embarassment in that department - like "how could he ever want me again?"  and despite the fact that he's seen me in all that glory, i am TOO EMBARASSED to even tell him when i'm having my period.  that's an embarassment in general.  i swear in wal-mart the other day, it felt awkward to buy tampons.  i had to tell myself "you would not be a child-bearing woman right now if you didn't have a period.  get over it."  i needed a self- pep talk to buy feminine hygiene products.

if you've read this, bless your heart.  if you have any advice, please come forth!

[Linda on the move]

Hey sweetie! I think it's great that you decided to move past this!  My favorite self help author is Louse Hay, and she's all about self love. She has a series of videos on You Tube, starting with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjntHE4LJCQ

I think they might be a wonderful place for you to start. My favorite book by her is You Can Heal Your Life. Even though the names are similar and there's a little over lap, enough is different that I recommend both.

[applecider]

I second reading that book by Louise Hay.  In fact, I read it probably because Linda on the Move suggested it to someone else one time!  I too struggle with feelings of low-self-esteem and insecurity.  Feeling like I'm ugly, unlovable, weird...I have changed because I am learning to love myself!  To give myself those compliments and really mean it.  To treat myself the way I would want my child treated.  Hugs mama.

[june'smom]

Hugs, mama.  I can sympathize with wanting your dh to say nice things about you.  I don't think it indicates any weakness in you to want someone to say nice things.  BUT - when he says something nice, you should try to take it at face value.  I know that it bothers my dh that when he does say something nice, I often blow it off. 

Good luck.  I really liked the book "Cunt" by Inga Muscio.  It might not be the book for beginners, though. lol!  It talks about menstruation and sex from a really open, feminist perspective.

[dakotablue]

(((Hugs)))

Your Dh may be totally telling the truth when you ask Do you still like me? Men aren't very good liars and it seems he's already giving you honest, simple answers. (my Dh doesn't offer compliments either)

My Dh finds me more attractive now...saggy boobs, mothers apron (so so gross) and weird looking...at ah...yeah

I hope you find peace about this soon.