"Dad of the Year" Vent

[Phoenix~Mama]

UGH UGH UGH!!!  I just mentioned in my other thread about DS's hospitalization this past weekend.  Well, I did the proper thing and called ex on my way to the ER to let him know that DS was breathing very labored and I was taking him to the hospital.

I was not telling him this expecting him to show up... but he did.  blech.  He showed up and from the moment he was there, he was trying to control everything.  He took DS from me and wouldn't give him back.  He was answering questions he didn't even know the answer to!!!  The doc asked if DS had been running any fevers at home and ex said, "yes!"

I glared at him and said, "no he was not running any fevers at home, can you please let me answer as I'm the one with DS!"

The doc then told us there is no fighting on his time.  I was embarrased for being snippy... but ex was putting on this big show like he was Dad of the Year, and he "might" see DS for 48 hours a MONTH!  I was pissed!

So as soon as the doc left, of course ex started verbally berating me for being ignorant and calling him out like that.  *sighs*  I left and went to get some water and saw the doc and went and apologized to him, and he said, "don't even worry about it, vent all you want!  Unfortunately we see this sort of thing all the time with uninvolved Dads coming in here and putting on a big act."

So at least the doc saw right through it.  Made me feel a little better.

It really sucks that I have to call him on these things... because he REALLY added to my general stress level that I did not need at that time.

How do you set up boundaries when you have to still be around your abusive ex and he takes every chance to still put you down and abuse you verbally and try to control you?

[goodmomma76]

Thinking this could be me next month...commiserating...and subbing for replies...

(((HUGS)))

[doubledutch]

i try to just put on a big smile and change the subject.  throws him off every time (i mean, he becomes way more agitated, which becomes way funnier to me).  thinking things like, "i'm free!" usually helps generate the goofy grin.  of course, it's easier for me because we really only see each other for pick up / drop off, so he starts in on something, and i smile and say, "have so much fun, boys!  see you later!"  when you're trapped in a room with him, it's trickier, but i'd still just try to not even respond and direct your attention elsewhere.  kids are so great for that!

[blessingscome]

That attitude frustrates me too. And the beration... I have no idea how to enforce boundaries when you're stuck someplace like that with him and can't simply walk away.

I'm glad the doc saw through it AND that he let you know that he did.

[incorrigible]

Well, to start with, most of our hospital visits were straight from getting the kids back. "Oh crap, he's hot. How long has he been running a fever?" "Huh? Oh, I guess he is a little warm. Must have just started when he got around you again, I guess." Immediately take ds with the 105.3 fever to the ER. Call xh when we get home to tell him the outcome.

When there's been an emergency some other time, I rushed the child to the ER. If they made us wait, I'd call xh from the lobby. I think that happened once. I can typically handle at home anything with low enough urgency that they would make us wait. We're supposed to turn our cell phones off in hospitals though, so I do! I don't excuse myself from a child that needs me long enough to make a call. I would just call him after I've taken care of the emergency. Our order said I had to notify him promptly or asap (can't remember the verbage)...but it didn't say I had to call on the way to the hospital or anything like that. An hour after leaving the hospital, once I have the child settled in bed or what not...that's perfectly reasonable. If we were going to the regular dr, I always told xh as soon as I set up the apt. He knew when and why. I always called him on the day of the apt to let him know how it went. Looking back, though...I would have done it all by email. After years of monotony with just little blips of bad behavior, xh dragged us into a horrible court battle. If I had a paper trail from the get go, he wouldn't have had a leg to stand on!

I say, you EMAIL him next time! =D (preferably after the fact, but if you have email on your phone then maybe from the hospital lobby)

[Super~Single~Mama]

I put on a HUGE smile and say, "OMG, thank you SO much for coming!!  It's SO helpful for you to hold ds for me!"  and then as SOON as the Dr walks in the room, start telling him what happened - start with the basics that you KNOW they'll ask - breathing, fever, lethargic, fussy, pain, whatever (just start listing off if any of these symptoms were present or not - and list any symptoms they did have - make it absolutely clear who had the kid when the symptoms started).  Then the dr will direct questions at you and you won't have your hands full trying to answer.  You'll be fine.  Breathe.  You did great.

(and I agree with the Dr. - its TOTALLY ok to need to vent about that!!  It's frustrating!)