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Mean kid at LLL

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 

The LLL Leader's son, 9, is mean to my 2 yo.  DS wants to play with him, but the kid pushes, shuts the door to lock DS out of the playroom, and in w/ the grownups, tells him he's bad, takes toys (though I bet they both do this), etc.

 

I've talked to the boy about this, two months in a row, but he hasn't changed.  His mom doesn't seem to know, since the kid is careful not to do it in front of mom.  What's a diplomatic way to broach the subject with the mom??

post #2 of 25

How often are the visits?  How many other people are there? Are the kids out of your site a lot?

 

I would find things for your two year old to do that don't include the older boy.  Seven years is a big age difference. It's more like baby-sitting for the nine year old, not playing. I don't mean to hurt any feelings, but to him a two year old is an irritation, not fun.  While it would be perfect if the boy spontaneously knew how to patiently play with a two year old, this isn't the case.  Compared to your 2 y.o. I know the 9 y.o. looks like he should know better.  But he still needs help figuring out how to deal with a little person, and for whatever reason his mom isn't helping. You need to help your son stay occupied/entertained without the nine year old.

 

Edited to add, I'm re-reading your post and want to ask, does the older boy seek out your son to pick on him?  Are there other kids there and does he treat them the same way?  If so, definitely take it up with his mom again.  If she can't get a handle on it then I'd find another meeting. 

 

From what you describe, I don't think the boy is particularly mean, but clueless. He's just a kid himself.  I know it hurts to see someone treat our own child any way but kindly.  My son has been on both sides: the little kid following the big kids only to be rather harshly shut out, and the exacerbated big kid who just wants the pesty little kid to go away, and handles it himself --poorly.  I hope I haven't completely misunderstood! smile.gif

post #3 of 25

yeah... I wouldn't expect the 9yo to play with the younger child. Is this meeting in the 9yo's home? If so I'd keep my 2yo close by. /in with the adults. 

post #4 of 25

How many kids total are at the meeting, and what are their ages? Who is supervising the playroom? It's hard for me to understand what exactly is happening just from your OP. 

post #5 of 25

Well I know my 9YO would not treat a two year old that way. He might, however, treat a 6/7 year old that way. LOL He happens to be really good with babies and toddlers (and animals). Given that situation I would definitely keep your little one close and not allow him to play with the older boy unsupervised.

post #6 of 25
I have an eight year old DS. He wouldn't intentionally be mean to a 2 year old, but he wouldn't want to play with one either.

Just to give some perspective (and, truly, I'm not questioning your version of events), the pushing could be the 9 year old trying to get the 2 year old to leave him alone. The taking the toys could be taking his toys back. The shutting him out of the playroom could be trying to get some peace and privacy.

I'm not sure what the whole layout of the LLL meeting is or how it's set up.

Anyway, I don't blame you at all for having your Mama Bear get out of her cage, but, as the Mama Bear of a kid around the same age, I can tell you that they're still little people themselves and they do have a right to be left alone.

Maybe you could talk to the LLL leader and problem-solve together.
post #7 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post

I have an eight year old DS. He wouldn't intentionally be mean to a 2 year old, but he wouldn't want to play with one either.

Just to give some perspective (and, truly, I'm not questioning your version of events), the pushing could be the 9 year old trying to get the 2 year old to leave him alone. The taking the toys could be taking his toys back. The shutting him out of the playroom could be trying to get some peace and privacy.

I'm not sure what the whole layout of the LLL meeting is or how it's set up.

Anyway, I don't blame you at all for having your Mama Bear get out of her cage, but, as the Mama Bear of a kid around the same age, I can tell you that they're still little people themselves and they do have a right to be left alone.

Maybe you could talk to the LLL leader and problem-solve together.

 That.  Yes, it's hard to see your child get treated that way, but it's alot to expect a 9 year old to want to play with a 2 year old. 

post #8 of 25

Yeah, need more information.  Like is this at the 9-year-old's house, or someone else's house, or what?  And is the 9-year-old seeking the 2-year-old out to pick on him, or is he trying to keep from being bothered by the 2-year-old.  It really depends.  He has a right to not entertain children that much younger if he doesn't want to, but on the other hand if he's seeking the 2-year-old out and bugging him for fun, that's not OK.

post #9 of 25

If it's like the LLL groups I've attended (I was a leader of one for a while and also attended a different group for a while), you won't get anyone to change anything. If you have a strong core group of members who attend regularly, you might be able to come up with some kind of plan where moms take turns supervising the playroom but that could be hard if you have sporadic attendance or a lot of new people who just come for a time or two. I think the best solution is to just bring along a lot of interesting toys for your 2 yo and keep him near you during the meeting.  

post #10 of 25

I would never expect a nine year old to play with my 2 year old.  First of all - I wouldn't trust a nine year with a two year old......The developmental stages are just too different.

 

And I would NEVER expect my nine year old to suffer a toddler.  I think that is worse!! Lol!

post #11 of 25
Thread Starter 

Wow, I worked at a preschool for years, and though it wasn't a regular thing, we would have afterschoolers with the toddlers some in the early mornings and before closing, and we never would have seen this kind of behavior.  Did the 9 yos like playing with toddlers?  No.  But, we showed them how to play nicely around them, or to distract the little ones so they could play their fun games.  Maybe the only answer is to have someone supervise.

post #12 of 25

I'm surprised the kids are in another area.  At the meetings I have been to (lots of different ones since we move a lot) the mothers are always clearly told we are expected to supervise our own kids.  I think if I were in your position I would just keep my 2 year old with me, with some toys or something.  If you really want to talk to the 9 year old's mom, you could ask how her 9 year old feels about playing with the younger kids, and if he minds having little ones in the playroom.  This would open up the discussion without blaming her or her son.

post #13 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDSmomma View Post

Wow, I worked at a preschool for years, and though it wasn't a regular thing, we would have afterschoolers with the toddlers some in the early mornings and before closing, and we never would have seen this kind of behavior.  Did the 9 yos like playing with toddlers?  No.  But, we showed them how to play nicely around them, or to distract the little ones so they could play their fun games.  Maybe the only answer is to have someone supervise.


The kids have no supervision? That's way different than afterschoolers spending a little while in a preschool where teachers are in charge -- you're pretty much expecting the older kid(s) at the LLL meeting to babysit the younger ones. I wouldn't be okay with that as the parent of the older or younger child -- of course supervision is needed. 

post #14 of 25

Try bringing things for your two year old to do.  Nine year olds aren't super nice to two year olds.  This kid might never be good with kids.  My daughter was fine with small kids when she was that age, but only for a short time.  She'd have been annoyed with me for letting a two year old go in her room.

 

However, I hope she'd have at least been nicer about it.

post #15 of 25

Is it at the Leader's house?  Because if it's not, the first thing I have to say is I don't think it's appropriate for the leader to be bringing her 9 year old child to the meetings, especially if this is happening.  I'm not a Leader, and I don't see myself being one anytime soon, but I happen to know the guideline is children are welcome, but it's mostly meant to be limited to nursing babies and young toddlers who would not be OK with a sitter for a couple hours.  Also that yes, mothers are supposed to be supervising their own children.  For a Leader, that could be hard...I can totally see how she might not even notice what is happening.  Those are the reasons I think it's not right for a Leader to be bringing her older child...if it's at her home, then she needs to be made aware so she can make some accomodations.  I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to ask a 9 year old to put up things the young kids can't play with in a playroom and to occupy themselves elsewhere for a couple hours while the meeting happens.  My SIX year old could happily go off and watch Spongebob and play computer, provided with a snack, for 2 hours once a month LOL

post #16 of 25


I had a similar situation at a LLL meeting with the leader's 9-year-old son a few months ago. I was very uncomfortable with it and haven't gone back since. My 2-year-old was completely pestered by this older kid, called "bad" several times and, at one point, even knocked to the floor by the big kid.

 

I think you have a right to be concerned. If your still committed to LLL, I'd either find another group or stick with your toddler like glue at the meetings. You can try talking to the leader, but that didn't work for me. She didn't believe me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LDSmomma View Post

The LLL Leader's son, 9, is mean to my 2 yo.  DS wants to play with him, but the kid pushes, shuts the door to lock DS out of the playroom, and in w/ the grownups, tells him he's bad, takes toys (though I bet they both do this), etc.

 

 

post #17 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDSmomma View Post

Wow, I worked at a preschool for years, and though it wasn't a regular thing, we would have afterschoolers with the toddlers some in the early mornings and before closing, and we never would have seen this kind of behavior.  Did the 9 yos like playing with toddlers?  No.  But, we showed them how to play nicely around them, or to distract the little ones so they could play their fun games.  Maybe the only answer is to have someone supervise.



Well, yes.

post #18 of 25


I have never heard that it was limited to babies and nursing toddlers.  When I've been to LLL meetings, there are often older children there.  For a lot of moms, they either have to bring them or not get the support.  IMO the answer is that the children should be supervised.  If they aren't supervised, then basically a 9-year-old is babysitting, and it shouldn't be surprising that a 9-year-old is too immature to babysit.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

Is it at the Leader's house?  Because if it's not, the first thing I have to say is I don't think it's appropriate for the leader to be bringing her 9 year old child to the meetings, especially if this is happening.  I'm not a Leader, and I don't see myself being one anytime soon, but I happen to know the guideline is children are welcome, but it's mostly meant to be limited to nursing babies and young toddlers who would not be OK with a sitter for a couple hours.  Also that yes, mothers are supposed to be supervising their own children.  For a Leader, that could be hard...I can totally see how she might not even notice what is happening.  Those are the reasons I think it's not right for a Leader to be bringing her older child...if it's at her home, then she needs to be made aware so she can make some accomodations.  I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to ask a 9 year old to put up things the young kids can't play with in a playroom and to occupy themselves elsewhere for a couple hours while the meeting happens.  My SIX year old could happily go off and watch Spongebob and play computer, provided with a snack, for 2 hours once a month LOL

post #19 of 25

LDSmomma, I guess I take exception with you for calling the other woman's child a mean kid.  Maybe he is being mean. But your perception is one-sided, and I think you should be open to another perspective of him. He's also just a kid.

 

Of course the children at this meeting need better supervision, that really shouldn't need to be stated.  Of course the boy's mother needs to keep a better eye on him, regardless of his basic nature (mean or not mean).  You asked, what's a diplomatic way to broach the subject with the mom??    There is no secret, you just talk to her.  Politely and firmly inform her exactly what you have observed.  Use your experience from the daycare, because surely there were occasional instances where parents needed to be told that their child had misbehaved.  Her reaction will tell you what your next step should be.
 

post #20 of 25
Thread Starter 

I do not consider him a "mean kid."  I just used that as a concise title for the post so people would get the drift.  I think he's a normal 9 yo, based on other 9 yos I've known.  I've known him to be a  very nice kid when my DS wasn't bothering him (before DS was mobile).  But I think he finds a 2 yo annoying, which I totally understand.  

 

Unfortunately, there IS a secret, at least that's how it seems to me.  I have had a LOT of trouble with talking about sensitive subjects like this.  I have been told I lack tact.  I have worked on this a lot over the years, but it is a constant struggle with me, and I hurt people's feelings frequently, and I literally have no idea why they're upset until someone else explains it to me, and sometimes not even then.  Luckily, I have a few friends who know about this problem I have, and are willing to talk situations out with me to help me understand what I've done to hurt other people.  Even when I say the EXACT same words as someone else, when it comes from me, it comes out hurtful, though I don't intend it that way.  I've had hours-long conferences with coworkers & managers to discuss disagreements we've had, and in the end, no one had any brilliant pointer for what exactly I did "wrong", and the hurt party hugged me at the end of one meeting, and it totally blew my mind.  I still don't know why she was upset or what exactly prompted the meeting that kept us after work for a few hours.  That said, I know what types of conversations lead to this kind of situation, and I try and head them off by talking about it before-hand, and finding out how to broach the subject, or by avoiding them altogether.  Since this is the leader's son, I feel like I'll be having a lot of interaction with her, so I want to be sure there are no bruised feelings, particularly since there's no one in this situation that can moderate my way through it.  
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

LDSmomma, I guess I take exception with you for calling the other woman's child a mean kid.  Maybe he is being mean. But your perception is one-sided, and I think you should be open to another perspective of him. He's also just a kid.

 

Of course the children at this meeting need better supervision, that really shouldn't need to be stated.  Of course the boy's mother needs to keep a better eye on him, regardless of his basic nature (mean or not mean).  You asked, what's a diplomatic way to broach the subject with the mom??    There is no secret, you just talk to her.  Politely and firmly inform her exactly what you have observed.  Use your experience from the daycare, because surely there were occasional instances where parents needed to be told that their child had misbehaved.  Her reaction will tell you what your next step should be.
 

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