Help...relationship issues adjusting to life with baby!

[rachelsnyder]

Has anyone else found this to be the hardest part about your new addition?  I haven't found it hard to adjust to caring for my daughter, but it has created different issues with DH.  Most of the time he is very supportive, but I do find that men and women react to babies in a very different way.  I have heard that men get better once babies are more interactive?!?  And sometimes he tells me he thinks I hold my DD too much, but I like her to be involved in our life and not just plop her down in some swing.  I am very passionate about listening to her cues and reacting before she begins to cry, and he thinks I react too quickly to her and doesn't think it will be a big deal if she cries first....I just feel that if I can tell she is starting to get upset, why wouldn't I intervene before it escalates?  Most of the time we agree...ie co-sleeping, cloth diapers...but when it comes to her emotional stuff he is harder than I am.  Sorry, this is kind of rambling but I am just needing to know if I am the only one who is dealing with this!!!

[Knitting Mama]

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Like you, I have had no problem (or little problem, at least) adjusting to life as a mama, always putting my daughter first. But it has definitely changed our relationship. It's really hard to put it into words, but I do agree that my husband at least (can't say if it's all men, of course) has a hard time sometimes understanding that I will always tend to her needs before ours, and that's just how it is. I am lucky that he doesn't think AP is weird or tell me to just let her cry or anything. 

I have been told by some of my friends who have multiple kids that a) the first one is always the hardest as far as the adjustment period goes, and b) after the first year it starts to become easier to balance relationships. I feel like it is starting to get easier (my daughter is 9 months old) but that it probably won't be all hunky-dory in a couple of months when she's one.

I've also seen lots of examples of another thing you mentioned, which is that dads seem to have a better time when their babies are old enough to be more interactive. Cecilia is just starting to get there now, and I can see how it has affected my husband's enjoyment of time with her.

Probably the most jarring change has been in our sexual relationship. There was a thread about this a while back that I was active in, talking about how some women (and I am one of them) really don't have any sex drive at all after the baby. I surmise that it is breastfeeding, as that seems to be a common thread amongst those of us complaining about it.

Whew, I didn't mean to write a novel!

[Summer1216]

My husband is very supportive and loving towards DS

However, he also has a hard time accepting AP style. DS is 6 months old now, and is finally giving us some "alone" time at night. But before now it was really hard for DH to accept that we'd sit down to dinner and the baby would cry and I'd dash off to grab him. "Just let him cry a few minutes, finish your meal". He couldn't understand that I lost my appetite the second DS started to cry. Or that when we'd be trying to get some cuddling time in, DS would invariably wake and want to be fed. 

His mother and sister were constantly telling him how silly I'm being. "Babies need to cry, it's normal, it's good for them..." "She's spoiling him, he's going to be so clingy..."

I read some AP stuff to my husband, explaining to him why I was doing things the way I have been... responding quickly to his needs so he feels safe, loved, secure... from a health angle that leaving babies to cry makes them expend energy that they would else-wise use for growth, and that calm babies learn and grow faster...  also on a practical side that if I respond quickly it takes a heck of a lot less time to get him to go back to sleep (at night). 

You have my sympathies... and I've been there.

My suggestions would be to a) get ahold of some AP literature about the harm of "cry it out" not just from an emotional standpoint but also showing the health/growth aspects. b) Get someone to take care of DB for even an hour and a half or two hours, once or twice a week... and give your husband some exclusive, uninterrupted time as his wife. This didn't happen for us until DS was 3mo old <quick lunch date> but his attitude improved a lot since then.