Spacing between your bio and adopted children

[CrunchyChristianMama]

From speaking with other moms I've come to decide that when your youngest is 2-2.5 years it is an optimal time to introduce a new baby into the family.  I know there are some that will disagree, but, to each his own.  :) 

Anyway, we are adopting our next from Ethiopia and the baby will probably be 5-12 months old when they come into our family.  Given that info, how far apart do you think would be ideal for age spacing.  Would be bring the baby into the family when Annabelle is 2-2.5?  Or should we adopt when she's older than that so that they are about 2-2.5 years apart in age?

I realize that a lot of this is out of our control with when we get our referral and such, but if I were shooting for optimal, what would you suggest?

[heatherdeg]

I think that whatever the rationale was that brought you to the original 2-2.5 gap decision is a huge factor in helping to answer your question.  What were the pros of having a baby arrive when the first child was 2-2.5?  Did it have to do with how they would handle a change at that age?  Or something about the gap itself?  I think the reasons you came to that 2-2.5 number play a part in how we could advise you--ya know?

[CrunchyChristianMama]

Good point! 

I think your question just made me think about it in a way that answers my question though.    I'd still love to hear opinions though because people always bring up points that I hadn't thought about and I just love the way you ladies think. 

I think that at that age children are most adaptable to the addition of a new baby.  They are past the extreme neediness that seems to characterize 1-year-olds (and would make it difficult to care for a needy new baby at the same time), but the spacing allows them to still be close in age and find playing together easier as they get older. 

[heatherdeg]

I'll be honest, I always experienced that the kids who had a sibling come before they were 2yo did better than between 2yo-5yo.  I later learned that kids get conscious memory between 18-24mo of age and I often wondered if after 2yo, they "got" that they were the only child and saw the new baby as taking the attention away.

So if it were me, I'd probably try to have it all done BEFORE they were 2yo if possible.

Honestly, you could ask a million different people this question and get a million, very logical and worthwhile answers.  I wound up with a 5 year age gap and it stinks.  But then, 2 in diapers stinks, too.  You could go back and forth like that forever.

[Whistler]

Through no fault of their own, my parents had me eleven years before they had my sister.  I hated being an only child then I didn't like becoming a teen parent to my sister (even though I loved her to death).

SO... when I had kids I wanted them closer rather than farther apart.  I know it's going to be a zoo to have 4 kids under the age of seven, but I'm okay with it.

I think "optimal" depends on the family.  There is no "one size fits all" method.

That's my two cents.  :)

[Smithie]

There's 10 years between my brother and me, and that was too much of a gap for me. 

However, there are five years between my oldest and my youngest, and that is a GREAT gap so far. 

I really think that it's a personality-dependent thing, and since you can't know much about the personality of the not-yet-born or not-yet-adopted, then you have to make decisions based on the personality of the current kids. 

If you and your DH are very enthusiastic about a 2.5-year age gap, then I would shoot for that. Your enthusiasm level is definitely a factor. 

[aja-belly]

our oldest was 14 months old when we adopted our daughter (a newborn at the time).  i really like the close spacing. it was alot of work at first, but we thrive in chaos so it really wasn't a problem. 

[heatherdeg]

I should also note that how you intend to live might play a role in this, too.  My 7yo is homeschooled and his 2yo sister makes that downright impossible to deal with sometimes.  And she doesn't really nap (she's seriously never been a great sleeper and her naps are 30-ish mins with another 30-mins if I work at it to put her back down, but my ds is still interrupted from his alone time with me).

We're going to FL in April and I'm thankful that I'm not a single parent because I don't foresee both of mine being interested in the same things.  :/

[christophersmom]

Mine are almost 6 years apart. I had wanted a 2 1/2-4 year age gap. It worked out for us. I think really anything would have worked out since DS is so easy-going. DD is pretty easy-going, too. I woudl like to adopt one more and ideally I would like a 3-4 year old. So in between the two. Realistically we will probably end up with another toddler and I would like DD to be at least 2 when that happens. I took care of a 11 month old and DD at Thanksgiving and that was hard. DD was 16 months at the time. Both had needs like helping feed, diapers, and being carried a lot.

[RedOakMomma]

Ours are 19 months apart, but dd came home when ds was 28 months old.  I really like their spacing.  They're close enough to be playmates (also close enough to bicker and argue quite a bit, but that's another matter....), but 2 years apart in school.  Ds got 28 months of being the baby, which I think made it a lot easier for him to accept it when a moving, motivated, opinionated pre-toddler (10 mo.) arrived in our home.  If he had been younger than that, I think it would have made his sister's arrival a lot harder on him.  At 2.5, he was able and interested in being more independent, and that meant he liked the idea of "having" a baby sister (from the beginning we called her "our" baby) and being the big brother.

In terms of the perks for dd, I think there are many.  The playmate thing is huge.  She admires him but can also hold her own.  I like that she's a full 2 years behind him in school...it's given me more time with just her at home because she hasn't started school yet, and it gives her some time to grow into her older sibling role (she's a big sister now, too) rather than always being the little sister to ds.

[Polliwog]

Take us with you and we'll pair up the big and the little kids.  LOL.

Originally Posted by heatherdeg 

I should also note that how you intend to live might play a role in this, too.  My 7yo is homeschooled and his 2yo sister makes that downright impossible to deal with sometimes.  And she doesn't really nap (she's seriously never been a great sleeper and her naps are 30-ish mins with another 30-mins if I work at it to put her back down, but my ds is still interrupted from his alone time with me).

We're going to FL in April and I'm thankful that I'm not a single parent because I don't foresee both of mine being interested in the same things.  :/

My kids (both adopted) are about 2 3/4 years apart. DD came home (at nine months) when DS was three.  I think it's a great age spread.  They are very close (when they aren't fighting) and their interests aren't that far apart.