Looking for some advice

[MyWhippoorwill]

Hi everyone,

This is coming from a gentle mama who wants to desperately wants to help her husband. My husband is a wonderful father and does everything for his kids though he is very short tempered and will get upset over simple things the kids are doing. I have tried many times talking with him and telling him if he would just get down and talk to the kids most of the time they will listen and it won't turn into something else. He tries so hard but we can not seem to find anything that works.

here is an example:

Bedtime routine begins we get the girls ready for bed and their teeth brushed. My six year old is sometimes rowdy at this time and will try to act up. ( not sure why we have a very calm bedtime routine) but she will go in and start jumping on the bed or whining or crying over something. My husband will ask her to stop what she is doing and that she needs to lie down in bed. She won't listen. this then gets my 3 year old all crazy and she starts in.my husband will try talking to her asking her if there is anything she needs, he lets her know that he will tell her a story once she lies down.Yet she stills acts up.  My husband starts to get upset and Does the " I don't need to tell you this many times" thing . I then try to calm her down and lay in bed with her. This is just an example ,this is not an every night occurrence .

Any advice as to what to do?

[LifewithSage]

I notice in the example above that you intervene when he begins getting upset.  Is this something you generally do or just specific to this situation?  I ask because this is something that was causing problems at our house not too long ago.  My DH is not entirely on board with my gentle discipline methods.  I would attempt to discipline in my own way and he would immediately jump in because he didn't "agree" with or "like" the way I was handling the situation.  All it seemed to do was give further evidence to my son that he wasn't supposed to listen to me and that what I was doing was wrong because my DH was correcting it.  My DH and I had many talks about this and he finally backed off and let me handle things without intervening or coming to the rescue.  There were a few REALLY rough weeks as my kiddos adjusted to my way of doing things, but now we're all in a better place.

Truthfully, I wish my DH was more on board with gentle discipline.  I have finally reconciled myself to the fact that he is allowed to parent as he pleases so long as it does not put my kids in harm's way.  If he yells at them then that is his own problem and only his.  My 3.5 year old much prefers my method of parenting and will generally come to me.  That alone has provided my DH more motivation than I could ever have with just talking to him.

[Tjej]

Could you divide and conquer at bedtime?  If you and your DH have a plan that you manage the 6yo and he manages the 3yo, then you won't interrupt his discipline and he won't interrupt yours.  Just a thought.

Also, expecting a proper tone for talking helps A LOT.  I will ask the kids to calm down and try again fairly often, and I'll say "try again" a few times if I need to.  I don't discuss with screams or whines, I discuss with someone who is talking with me.

I find that my kids listen to me better than my DH.  I think it is because I do not repeat myself, I am generally willing to wait for the kids to calm/listen, and I enforce right away.  If my child is jumping on the bed when they shouldn't be (especially my 4yo who really knows better), I talk seriously with them about what we expect and why.

Does your DH offer a book and then always read one, even when they behave poorly and time is wasted getting them ready?  I think that could be effective as well - having a timer for when they are to be in bed with the lights off, and when that time runs out then it's all over - no more stories and snuggles or whatnot, so don't waste that time. 

Hope something there helps.

Tjej