And now I'm scared again... - Page 2

[smeep]

So far no luck with the "wanted" but I post when I can. It's once a month here. Boo!

Lisa, I'm giving birth at a freestanding birth center. My midwife has long since met him (until he stopped attending prenatals, of course) but she understands the situation. She knows I'm not listing him on the birth certificate and doesn't care. I am on medicaid but if it comes up I'll claim I don't know who the father is. And, as of now, it looks like I won't be pursuing any child support unless he takes legal steps to pursue visitation...in which case I'll be fighting it regardless so I'll go ahead and do it IF it comes down to that. Otherwise I don't think I'll do it. Who knows, maybe if a year from now I haven't heard a peep out of him I'll consider taking it to court, but I don't know.

[singin'intherain]

To me it sounds like he would just as soon have you and the baby disappear, too. I bet if you put the responsibility on him to be a father, he will never show up. As pp's have said, don't look for child support, don't tell anyone he's the father, don't put him on the bc. He shows zero interest in this child, so unless you think he's the type of abuser to go to ALOT of trouble just to make your life miserable, just make it his problem to get visitation, etc, and that will probably be more than enough to stop him.

[VisionaryMom]

Google bike collectives. They're out there. They repair old bikes that people don't want and give them to people for free (or really, really cheap). I doubt you will. I get that you need/want this contact with him, but maybe someone else can benefit from the info.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain 

To me it sounds like he would just as soon have you and the baby disappear, too. I bet if you put the responsibility on him to be a father, he will never show up. As pp's have said, don't look for child support, don't tell anyone he's the father, don't put him on the bc. He shows zero interest in this child, so unless you think he's the type of abuser to go to ALOT of trouble just to make your life miserable, just make it his problem to get visitation, etc, and that will probably be more than enough to stop him.

I haven't even been taking child support into consideration (financially) at ALL this entire time. I can't say I won't ever go for it, but I don't foresee it happening at all. And if I do, it would be a very, very long time from now. Even if he doesn't have anything to do with anything when s/he is born that doesn't mean he won't change his mind 3 or 6 months from now because I chose to file for child support at that time. If I go for child support I would request supervised visitation. Chances are he'll fight it just to be a jerk, not because he cares. And while I'm confident he won't get custody I'm very unsure as to whether or not he'll get unsupervised visitation. Even if he did get supervised visitation, I don't want my child knowing such a horrible person. It's bad enough that my child "knew" him the first 18ish weeks in the womb, and that s/he suffered somewhat because of his neglect.

Ugh, I never thought I would ever let a guy just get off on paying child support. But the thought of him having anything to do with my child is just far too frightening for me. I would rather let him "get away" with never paying a dime than have him emotionally damage my child and potentially physically harm my child. 

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Google bike collectives. They're out there. They repair old bikes that people don't want and give them to people for free (or really, really cheap). I doubt you will. I get that you need/want this contact with him, but maybe someone else can benefit from the info.

I didn't know about that, thank you. I will look into it. 

However, I can't tell you enough how much I don't want any further contact with him. I get it, I would probably doubt myself too if I were reading this post as someone else. Still, it's pretty frustrating to me to keep being told that I want contact when I really don't. I feel like a little kid whose parents are saying she broke something when she really didn't but they won't listen. If I wanted anything to do with him, I wouldn't have taken him off my Facebook. I would have been down there 100 times for BS excuses. He wouldn't be telling me that I don't talk about "anything else" because I would be telling him about the baby every time I had an excuse (this is what I did with DS's "father" while I still wanted him, which fortunately ended during the pregnancy). I wouldn't be considering removing our mutual friends from my Facebook, with whom I have NO issues and quite like but I am still a little worried that they will pass any baby info on to him. I've already lied about supposedly moving. I really, really do not want anything to do with him. I did for a long time. I stayed out there, even after he left me stranded with nothing in a dangerous area in the middle of the night, when he would rather go out and drink than get me anything to eat when I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, when I spent the entire time depressed, when he just abandoned me in Oklahoma. The last straw was when he kicked me out and told me he would no longer be going to prenatal appointments. It was over the following week that I took in the reality of everything he had done and finally saw him for what he was; an alcoholic abuser. And when that happened I realized everything he did to me he could easily do to my child. He put my life at risk and never felt any remorse for it or even worried about us the tiniest bit the entire time and even said as much... while I had OUR child in me. If he literally doesn't care if I die or get raped, and therefore our child as well, then chances are he won't care about putting the baby in danger outside the womb. When it finally clicked and I figured it out my whole mindset changed. What limited contact I've had with him makes me nervous and I avoid it a lot. Knowing I have to see him results in major anxiety and literally makes me nauseous. I can't stand the sound of his voice, I can't stand to see his face. All I see and hear is ugliness, abuse and selfishness. If that doesn't convince you that I want nothing to do with him, that's perfectly fine, but please do not continue to tell me otherwise as it really frustrates me, please. I get that you only say it because you care, I do get that, and thank you. But it's really not what I need right now. You have every right to doubt me, but after this weekend (however it works out) there will be no posts about contact on my part, my things, etc., because I will not initiate any contact with him, period.

[smeep]

And sorry for the epic reply. lol

[Super~Single~Mama]

Smeep, I believe that you don't want anything to do with him, but you seem to be using the bike and your things as an excuse to see/talk to him.  It's part of the pattern and cycle of abuse, that exists not only for the abuser but for the victim.  After being in the cycle, victims crave the cycle - its why it so damn hard to get out of abusive relationships, and why so many choose abusive partners again and again.  To stop the cycle of abuse, you not only need to get rid of him on facebook, but on your phone, email, and every form of contact he may have with you.

You may have lied to him about moving, but be telling him you need your bike, and allowing him to see your pregnant belly get bigger and bigger, you are giving him control over your life.  You are letting him lead you on about the bike and your things.  He is not choosing to contact you, YOU are CHOOSING to contact HIM.

Stop calling.  Stop asking for your bike.  Stop asking for your things.  STOP letting him into your life and STOP giving him this power over you.

[bananabee]

I get that you hate him and are worried about how he'll treat you and the baby if he gets a chance.

What I don't get is why you haven't just moved on and cut your losses, placing the burden of contact onto his shoulders. He's an alcoholic. He's not capable of caring about you or the baby. He doesn't care if you eat, so why would you rely on his permission to get your bike back? It seems like we are all still missing a piece of the puzzle, so that we're not understanding your actions very well. You make it sound like you are a glutton for punishment or perhaps you're just giving him more chances to prove what a UAV he is? Just trying to understand you better. Please don't take that as a criticism.

[pupsnelda]

Smeep, I am very sorry, but I still DO NOT GET why do YOU make the contact to retrieve your stuff. If it is just about your stuff and you just cannot let it go - which I get from your posts -, let your dad call, a friend, anyone. It is really simple IMO.

[AttunedMama]

The opposite of love isn't hate... or something like that.

Your strong feelings about him indicate profound enmeshment, regardless of whether you like the guy or not. If you were AT ALL serious about moving on, you'd just do it. It's so much more easy than you're making it, I wish I could help you see that somehow. Things like 'facebook friends' would not even factor in. You. would. just. be. gone. to. him.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

The opposite of love isn't hate... or something like that.

Your strong feelings about him indicate profound enmeshment, regardless of whether you like the guy or not. If you were AT ALL serious about moving on, you'd just do it. It's so much more easy than you're making it, I wish I could help you see that somehow. Things like 'facebook friends' would not even factor in. You. would. just. be. gone. to. him.

Thank you for that statement.  I need to remember this for myself!  So true, and SO helpful!!!

[smeep]

I have moved on in every way, except that I NEED my bike. I'm seriously not even going to argue that fact anymore.

I'm seriously in tears on a regular basis over this. I HATE that I ended up with such a terrible person and I HATE the fact that I still need something from him, something that I shouldn't have to go through all this crap to get.

I take full responsibility for procrastinating and stupidly trusting that he would bring it to me like we agreed upon. I should have just gone down there, gotten it, and left it at that. I should have done that the day after I got the bulk of my stuff. 

But I don't want anything to do with him. I DON'T want to contact him. I only do it because I need my bike. I don't contact him about ANYTHING else and I avoid calling about the bike as much as possible.

I am calling once more this week to let him know my dad will be going down there this weekend and will be bringing the police to keep the peace if necessary. I'll call while he's at work so I can just leave a message and if he calls back I'll have someone else talk to him. 

The whole point of this post is that I'm afraid that when the baby is born he will try to have something to do with the baby. I don't know if it's the ex-fiance-now-gf-again who is pushing him, or friends or family, but what he said scares me. 

The point is not to argue that I want nothing to do with him. I understand where you guys are coming from, why you think that and that you only mean good by it, but I am really, really tired of hearing it. I do not want anything to do with him, period. I only have this much contact with him because I need my bike. Not want, not kinda-sorta-could-use, but NEED. It's literally my transportation. The only reason why I don't need it right now (not that I could use it right now anyway) is because I'm not working so I get rides from my parents or walk a mile or more when I can't avoid it. But not working gives me that "luxury." Whenever I go back to work, I won't have that luxury. And most likely I'll have the same terrible hours that were the reason why I got it in the first place. 

So, seriously, just please... if you still don't believe me, fine. But I'd rather focus on the original intent of this thread than something that I cannot state enough is NOT true. It actually makes me quite angry because it's so deeply untrue. And I really don't need to be feeling that right now.

[AttunedMama]

But my point is, that he is OPTIONAL. And yes, so is the bike. There are other bikes. There are a thousand bikes, that, while not yet "yours", contain less 'distance' (friction...baggage) between you and them, than the one you are fixated on.

Any chance of him knowing the baby is contingent upon your behaviors and accessibility. If you bail, get out of dodge, you can move on and not know him, not let him wreak havoc on your child. Seriously, that is within your power, even if it feels daunting. But worrying about whether he's going to 'try' to know your baby or not is nothing but a laugh to you once you transcend and disengage, believing that he is nothing.

The only thing that is a potential obstacle is if you want another man to adopt the baby someday, then you have to advertise. Still, it's just in a local paper(at least in my city), and if you have been GONE for many moons...it should be no worry. You'll cross THAT bridge, if and when, you come to it.

From my end of things, I can see that you'll, eventually, be totally fine. It also looks like so much of your suffering is optional, and yes, I have been there.

[pupsnelda]

Smeep, I get that your really want/need THIS bike. Ok, fair enough. But why don't you answer the question why you don't let somebody handle the issue of getting your bike back? Really, if I was living somewhere in the States and close to you, and just being an acquaintance of you, I would get the bike for you, I would do it in a heartbeat and I WOULD GET IT. So, if even a stranger like me can does stuff like this for somebody else, and I have done things for friends, family, acquaintances to help them out because I was not involved in the situation, so I could be haaaaard and it was much easier for me because I was not emotionally involved, why can't/won't you consider asking somebody to take care of this subject?

[pupsnelda]

Quote: But I don't want anything to do with him. I DON'T want to contact him.   

So, again, DON'T CONTACT HIM. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. LEAVE HIM ALONE. If there is no way of getting another bike from somewhere else, searching, asking around, talking to people, then delegate the task to get your bike back to you to somebody else, INCLUDING ALL COMMUNICATION about the fact that bikes needs to come back to you, negotion of time, etc. AND picking it up.

[PlayaMama]

$8 bike on craigslist

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/bik/2174688232.html

obviously not the best bike but it looks like it has two wheels and works.

also, why do you have to call him to set something up? he never follows through. just have your dad go out there and get it with the police. be done with it.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by PlayaMama 

$8 bike on craigslist

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/bik/2174688232.html

obviously not the best bike but it looks like it has two wheels and works.

also, why do you have to call him to set something up? he never follows through. just have your dad go out there and get it with the police. be done with it.

Thank you for posting that! Unfortunately it's since been deleted. :(

My intent on calling (rather, leaving a message) was so I could officially send "warning" about it. I was thinking more on CYA terms but I suppose that if it ever came down to it, the fact that I've already made attempts to work it out with him would pretty much cancel it out, huh? I guess I'll just have my dad be the one to leave a message, if I even bother. At least I know the days he works... if he's not there, my dad can still get the bike (it will be outside), I even have a key to the place if the officer will let my dad go in, and he does have some mail of mine (I'm afraid my W2 as well; my change of address hasn't seemed to have gone through so I had to fill out another one Saturday) but my dad knows where he works and I believe ex has been keeping my mail in his car.

Originally Posted by pupsnelda 

Smeep, I get that your really want/need THIS bike. Ok, fair enough. But why don't you answer the question why you don't let somebody handle the issue of getting your bike back? Really, if I was living somewhere in the States and close to you, and just being an acquaintance of you, I would get the bike for you, I would do it in a heartbeat and I WOULD GET IT. So, if even a stranger like me can does stuff like this for somebody else, and I have done things for friends, family, acquaintances to help them out because I was not involved in the situation, so I could be haaaaard and it was much easier for me because I was not emotionally involved, why can't/won't you consider asking somebody to take care of this subject?

I could care less about it being this particular bike, so long as it's a bike that can get me somewhere...there's actually two and, if they can fit, I do want both but I'm willing to leave one of them because, obviously I don't need two and I have to take what I can get, but because the second isn't the best quality (as in it kinda really sucks lol) and needs serious fixing up. And now (as mentioned above) I'm afraid that he has my W2.  But, yes, my dad will be going to retrieve it, not me. I've already said that, but I'm sure it was probably easy to miss. 

Originally Posted by pupsnelda 

Quote: But I don't want anything to do with him. I DON'T want to contact him.   

So, again, DON'T CONTACT HIM. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. LEAVE HIM ALONE. If there is no way of getting another bike from somewhere else, searching, asking around, talking to people, then delegate the task to get your bike back to you to somebody else, INCLUDING ALL COMMUNICATION about the fact that bikes needs to come back to you, negotion of time, etc. AND picking it up.

My dad will be taking care of it, not me. There will be no contact between myself OR my family and him after this weekend, as I've said before. I've already told him I'm moving, my family knows that if he calls to tell him that I'm not there and that they won't give out information, he's been removed from my facebook for months now and I don't think he even has my email address. 

My contact with him is officially done, contact from my family will be over this weekend. But I'm worried that he'll try to stick around anyway. Part of me thinks that, because of the way he treated us, that he really doesn't care... but then he said what he said. One can only hope that it was just him getting riled up because ex-fiance-now-gf-again or someone said something, but it just shows that I really can't put anything past him (I suppose I needed that reminder). In fact, I really worry about her being around...not because I care one bit who he dates, the alcoholics can have each other, but for the fact that he has not ever asked me about the baby but, when I went to get the bulk of my stuff a few weeks ago, SHE asked me about the baby. How is everything going, is there anything I need... basic simple stuff. I took it as her just playing nice (which I'm sure she was doing regardless) but I worry that she's going to push him because she wants him to have his kid, or some BS like that. I almost moved to Oklahoma when he kicked me out and left me without anything to just figure it out myself and acted as if he couldn't have cared less... but, then again, maybe he had plans to try for custody anyway. I don't know, I just really don't know. And now the fact that the stupid change of address didn't go through and he might have my W2 really freaks me out. I could get a new one but my main worry is that if he has it then he has my social security number which would make it easier for him to take me to court. Here's to hoping that my dad gets it back and it's unopened.

If it helps you guys any, I do fully regret procrastinating on all of this. I should have just sucked it up and bugged my dad to help me go get the stuff in September/October...just gotten it all and been done with it. I let it go on too long. Yes, it was because I can't stand to see him or talk to him and I was putting it off because of that, but I still shouldn't have. And you guys are right that I shouldn't have any further contact myself, which is why I've made the decision to have my dad take care of it. I'm hopeful that I can clear my mind after this weekend... I know I'll be "closing the book" but I'm just really hoping I can clear my head again (it hasn't been a problem most of the time since it all ended but the past few days I've been thinking about it a lot because I'm nervous about this weekend and what he said freaked me out). 

Anyways... like I said, my dad will be making the call and my dad will be getting my stuff this weekend. My contact IS done and my family's contact will be done this weekend. I'd really rather not go over the "you don't need the bike/have someone else get it/etc." stuff anymore... I am taking in what's been said, and while some of it has really pissed me off to be frank lol, some of it has been very helpful. Thank you.

[Kwan*Yin]

Getting pissed is good. That typically means people are saying something that is out of accordance with what you believe and this is an opportunity for growth. Possessions mean nothing in the long term and you being healthy for yourself and your lil one are what is important. Good for you taking positive steps to improve your life. Just remember as far as baby goes that out of sight is out of mind. Chances are that once you stop contacting him and leave him alone he will be gone for good. The threats he makes are pretty typical but he seems to be the type to not care enough to pursue. Also remember that once the baby comes it will be for your higher good and the baby's higher good to stay on the down low and live your life in peace. Do not contact him no matter how guilty you feel. Just don't. The cycle will start again and it will be even harder to disengage. Now, go enjoy the last of your pregnancy before the sweet babe comes earthside.

[Mulvah]

I can't help but agree with everyone else - you may not see it yet, but you are using this as an excuse to contact him (even if your father is doing the contacting).  You can get your employer to send another W2 to your correct address.  You do not need the things at his place.  Your father does not need to get your things.  It would be the best thing for you and your baby if you both disappeared. Disappearing includes un-friending mutual friends on Facebook/MySpace/Twitter, ceasing all contact with him via anyone you know, changing your number, and otherwise, not communicating with him.  It will be difficult, but it will be worth it to you and your LO.  I suspect you truly do not want to do what it takes.

Edited by Mulvah - 10/16/11 at 5:23pm

[A&A]

Originally Posted by smeep 

 But there are two main points: I can't afford a new bike (which is my main mode of transportation) and I definitely do not, ever, EVER want to be with him or have anything to do with him.

But these two huge wishes of your CONTRADICT each other.  They are diametrically opposed.  You can't get both, see? 

[smeep]

GOT MY STUFF!  Apparently it was short and sweet. But he asked if I had any idea of when the baby would be here... my dad just said no. I don't know if he forgot the EDD (because, you know, he doesn't really seem to care) or if he actually thinks I'll know when baby will be here even though he knows I'm a "baby comes when it's ready" person?  Meh, who knows. I don't really care because it doesn't matter now that I am NEVER GOING TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM AGAIN!!!!!   Ex-fiance-now-gf-again may or may not try to push him to have something to do with the baby but with the way he's acted so far I'm feeling pretty hopeful that he won't, or that he'll give up when he realizes the hell it would be to take me to court for visitation. I don't care, he can try to track me down and do all that, but I don't see it happening. Now that I've officially cut all contact I can finally relax, put it out of my mind and just focus on the baby only. No point on worrying about his involvement until it comes up IF it comes up. 

Really, thanks for your concern ladies. It may have pissed me off some but I appreciate where it all comes from. And, trust me, you'll never hear anything about me talking to him ever again unless he chases me down legally which he's probably too lazy to do.  The only thing I'm sad about is that he's got my dog (who is better off out there, honestly) so I'll miss that puppy to death but I give ex a dog, ex gives me a baby...fair trade, right?