8 year old girl

[mum5]

Hi all. I am looking for a book recommendation on the development of girls, specifically around 8, and up. We are having a tough time right now w/ dd1. She has always been a high energy spirited child, but more an more issues seem to be cropping up, that dh and I are trying to handle. I say puberty is going to hit within the next year or so, and she has also been showing signs of low self esteem, not wanting to go to school and other changes.

Any insight or recommendations would be great. Thanks

[TEAK's Mom]

It seems to be the thing with 8 year old girls. Mine is touchy as heck. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and to borrow any good recommendations you receive. 

[mum5]

Thanks for the support. I KNOW others are going through this, but it does also help to see it written, especially for dh. Givesd you more patience to know that this is normal, and that you are not doing a poor parenting job, yk?

I found a ton of stuff on about.com.

[meemee]

my favourite series is by Louise Ames Bates http://www.amazon.com/Your-Eight-Year-Old-Outgoing/dp/0440506816

i havent read this particular one. but younger ones REALLY helped me understand what was going on with dd. its written 60 years ago so take the discipline suggestions with a pinch of salt but its a great series explaining what's going on with our kids. 

2 things here.

1. the most important thing that we are not aware of is a prepuberty. dd went thru it at 6. she was - the only way i can describe it - is PMSing. she was horrible. but it was because it was hormonal. it was her prepuberty. she had such mood swings. after she stopped she got adult body odor.

2. along with prepuberty comes the preadolescent angst. its worst than adolescent says some of the kids who remember this phase. life is hard for my dd now because its also the time when their consciousness is developing. dd is far harder on herself than i am on her. so i have had to really insist on limits but not discipline at all. but dd went thru her angst at 6. she told me 'mama i dont want to do it, but i cant help it. something in me makes me do it when another part doesnt want me to do it. i have no idea how to stop it.' poor baby. 

dd and i take regular mental breaks from school. i have learnt to accept school is not her thing. but i also knew it wasnt because someone was bullying her or her teachers were being mean to her. she has always tolerated school. so with the teachers permission i take dd out of school on a regular basis. somedays she does not go in. somedays she goes in - gets her attendance done and then leaves. there are TONNES of things she has no choice over that she has to do. so that is why i dont insist on her being at school. 

hugs. its not easy. 

[mum5]

thanks, just ordered it from library :)

[mamadeuna]

I've been scrolling all night to find out if the behavior of my almost-8-year-old dd is normal, and I'm super relieved to find other people dealing with similar stuff. Moodiness from my usually positive and pleasant kid, defiance when she's always been very rule-bound and helpful, pessimism when it used to be all about going with the flow and finding the silver lining, "hating" school when she's one of the brightest and most creative in the class and has lots of friends, ugh - I wasn't expecting this until at least middle school. But now that I know it's not so unusual at this age, what to do to help her along? I try to be gentle and supportive, but sometimes I want to scream! And just when she probably needs more down time and needs me to be around more, life is getting busier for all of us. I will check into that book, would love any other suggestions of reading materials, and if I really think about it, I probably feel pretty ok about getting through it, knowing how to deal. Mostly I was just hoping to find out we're not alone, and to have the opportunity to get the concern and frustration off my chest. Having just one child in the family means every new development is new for all of us...

[cheery]

i have been really worried about my 7.5 year old ...   she actually never had "tantrums" at age 2-3-4 and by age 5-6 had become quite to helpful, capable, affectionate young lady.  Come 7 and tempers seemed to flare so often,  and language we never heard before was becoming routine.    dh and I have always been gentle, communicative, never even raise our voices so I am at a loss as to where this behaviour is coming from. 

maybe i should start a separate thread detailing our own problems, so as not to highjack this thread, but i just want to say that it has given me hope just to see this thread. mamduena's msg really rang true for me.  i have really been feeling like a failure of late - well, there is always something to learn from failure, so let me try to stay positive.  I don't know if there is something specific I need to do or just have faith that this will pass and be as supportive as i can while it does

[meemee]

unfortunately i have not come across any books that deal with this issue. not any article. 

the only source for me have been my friends whose children have gone through this and those children who remember going thru this and telling me what it feels like.

my dd is going thru something like this as i write this. by now i have been trained to keep a cool head and not take it personally. it is also time with consciousness development. if i were to share how upset dd makes me feel, she would be further hard on herself making herself responsible for my emotions. 

when they go thru this stage i find out that i need to do even more self care for myself so i can go through this stage with a cool head. 

the thing i DONT like about these phases are - aaaaaaaargh my dd is growing up. my baby is gone. its bitter sweet. i KNOW a 100 percent when dd gets out of this stage there will be subtle changes. she will mature more. something is changing in her and i want it to slow down.

dont know about you guys but its so strange for me to have dd 'agree' with me. when i say no and explain why - no more tantrums but an understanding. 

:(

try remembering this is not about you. try thinking of this as gearing up for teenage hood.

this is the time to not try and discipline our kids but to find out ways to keep our calm. i know in about 4 years time i am going to need it. 

the key here is not my child is going thru this.....

the key is how do i live through this. and its been my dd's words that have helped me not take this personally. when seh has described how she felt when she was going through this phase - oh poor baby. its like a depression. the world is awful. a part of you knows its not true. yet you cant let go off that feeling. at least with depression you can take a walk and help yourself a wee bit. with this phase there is no getting out except through expressing yourself. 

[beanma]

Book recommendations didja say? I've got book recommendations!!

My girls are 7 and newly 10 so I've been there and am there and I'm going there with all of y'all.

The book I found most helpful for me was one that was recommended here on MDC. It's called Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters by JoAnn Deak, PhD. It goes through early elementary school through high school and really tells you the ins and outs of the ages and stages and what to expect and how to deal with the bumps in the road. I found it very reassuring. I got it when dd1 was having some friendship troubles at school and it did help me get an understanding of that, if not the perfect solution. It just helped to know it's normal and very common. I also picked up Queen Bees and Wannabees, but I didn't really like it.

For dd1 (and dd2) I got several books around the same time. We already had It's So Amazing about puberty and sex and where babies come from. It's a fabulous book and my girls really love it, but dd1 was starting to become more interested in girl power and becoming a teenager so I got The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls from American Girl (although my kids don't have any of the dolls). She loves it. It really speaks to her as a girl and a girl who's growing up. It has sections on just basic hygiene and getting your period, taking care of your hair, getting plenty of exercise and eating right, etc. Not so much on sex as It's So Amazing. We also have several other American Girl books because that one went over so well. We have The Feelings Book: The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions , and we either bought or checked out from the library a couple on friendship troubles — Friends, Making Them and Keeping Them  and A Smart Girl's Guide To Friendship Trouble. All these books are good. The "Friends, Making Them and Keeping Them" is aimed a little younger and the "Friendship Troubles" one is aimed a little older.

hth and hang in there!

Edited by beanma - 2/18/11 at 4:00pm

[mum5]

thanks so much everyone. It does feel good to know that there is support, and knowing that others are going through the same situation as you.

cheery, please hijack away:) we are all going through the 8 ish year old stuff, so share you're problems. I think it will help . hugs