HS to "make up" for lost time?

[MrsH]

We are in the process of formally adopting our eldest, now 8.5, whom we've parented since she just turned 6.  She often comments to us how it's not fair that the younger kids get to be with me all day and she barely gets to spend any time with me.  We also often note that she's like a bottomless vessel of need, so even though I do spend time with her daily and we go on "dates" regularly, it's never enough.  We're strongly considering pulling her out of school for a year (next year, so 4th grade) once the adoption is complete in an effort to help her grieve and heal some of this loss that she feels around all this.  We also hope that pulling her out would give her a better chance to more thoroughly process the trauma surrounding her early years. 

What are your thoughts on this?  Do you think homeschooling could achieve this?  Does anyone have similar experiences?  Thank you for any feedback!  Oh and I should add, her younger brother would be in school full-time, starting kindergarten.  We would also still have the "baby" home, who will be 2 at that point. 

[SpiderMum]

Why not?  If she needs more time at home then it sounds like a great idea.  Certainly it wouldn't hurt to try it.

[4evermom]

Sounds like a very good idea to me.  I imagine she might still be very emotionally needy after a year of homeschool but it can't do anything but help.  A year just isn't a very long time but it should be a good start.

[Lisa1970]

If she were born in to your family, she would have had a few years to be home. I think it is great to give her that time once she is adopted too, just as if she had been born. 

As far as academics go, you can do so much when you are at home. No need for busy work and everything just ends up being far more meaningful.

[pigpokey]

Hmmm.  I'm going to say "maybe" on this one.  There's something troubling me about the situation you are describing.  Of course I don't know you guys and I'm not sure I can put my finger on it, but I'll try.

First of all, I think parents should choose the best schooling method that is workable for their family.  I personally believe that an indivdualized academic environment with a robust accompaniment of non-academic group sports and activities is best and workable for my kids, so that's what we do. 

You are a schooling family, which makes me think you probably either think group full-day schooling is the best overall model for your kids and / or that you can't do homeschooling.  I respect both those opinions, BTW, though I personally might disagree with you on the general benefits of full day school, I'm not all-knowing. 

You'd be making an exception for your oldest but it's kind of like an "illness" exception.  You don't really think it's the best thing for her and/or for the family, you just think she has particular emotional needs.  If I'm reading this right, you are willing to take her out of school so she can heal, like if she was having chronic ear infections and needed some time away from other kids' germs.  But as soon as you think she is stronger (in her case emotionally), you want to send her back.

I don't think you need to send her the message that she's not whole enough for full-day school.  If you think full-day school is where children learn and grow best, I think you should tell her that and send her there.  It is absolutely "fair" if you believe in school for elementary schoolers and she didn't come to you until elementary school

She has felt deep loss as have most? all adoptees.  Yes, home schooling may help soften the scars.  But if you are not committed to it, if you don't believe in it, if you are not going to let her choose when or if to go back, if doing it is going to be a reminder to her that she's different in your eyes from her brother, weaker ... if she's going to build ties to the home schooling community that are going to be ended the next year ... etc ...

I guess those would be the questions I would ask yourselves as her parent, and her therapist if she has one.

[inky leeuhhh]

i agree with the pp. i just wonder how it would be if she really enjoyed the year home and then had to go back to school. what do you think of homeschooling? is it something you would consider for her long term if she started thriving? many families take different schooling avenues for their different children, and i think that's ok. how would your k child feel about the older child staying home? i guess if i was in your shoes and just beginning to consider homeschooling, i would have to do some soul searching before i made definite plans (you have a while before next year at least). is there any way to squish in more time with her? maybe she needs more physical closeness? i know my 7 yo dd still requires a LOT of cuddle time with me. anyway, those are my scattered thoughts. good luck!

[sapphire_chan]

Since she's your oldest you do have the option of making grade x a homeschool year for your family. And have each of your kids down the line take a homeschool year too.

[inky leeuhhh]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Since she's your oldest you do have the option of making grade x a homeschool year for your family. And have each of your kids down the line take a homeschool year too.

good idea!
 

[ocelotmom]

Originally Posted by MrsH 

We also often note that she's like a bottomless vessel of need, so even though I do spend time with her daily and we go on "dates" regularly, it's never enough. 

This jumped out of me.

My gut feeling is that, until a bottom is put into place, throwing more time and energy at the problem is not going to help much.

Which isn't to say I don't think homeschooling could end up working out well, I just have a hard time seeing it as an effective method of filling that particular need by itself.

[MrsH]

I really value all of your wonderful input and questions, thank you! 

Ocelotmom: I wasn't sure what you meant with "My gut feeling is that, until a bottom is put into place, throwing more time and energy at the problem is not going to help much.", do you mind saying more about that?

Pigpokey: your response is very helpful. I certainly agree with you that the way it came across to you would not be a good idea to homeschool.  I think that it's in the subtleties, but knowing that it sounded like that is really important.  Our family is interested in homeschooling for its own sake, but not ready to commit to doing it with all three kids indefinitely.  So it's almost like we're identifying the most urgent need right now and attempting to address that.  If it works out wonderfully for us though then we would definitely want to continue it.  There isn't any reason that we couldn't, it's not like I have high career aspirations or anything though.  For her brother, I think it's not a matter of him being stronger and thus able to handle school, I just think that there's a huge difference between K and 4th grade.  K is still much more play oriented, and he would continue to have access to his speech therapist.  But again, it'll be an issue that we'll need to be able to concretely explain to the kids and not inadvertently send hurtful messages!

I guess what it really boils down to in the end, though, is that I'm not yet able to just pull both kids out of school and believe that that'll be workable for us.  Knowing that, does it change anyone's responses at all?

[lizzie]

Well, I was at first going to chime in with "Sounds like a great idea to me!" ..and it still does, for a lot of reasons, because I'm sort of an enthusiastic HS supporter, but knowing she would likely have to go back the next year, I'd be concerned with how that will impact her relationships in school, and affect her ? idk.. status? standing? with her peers? If she'd still have the opportunity to maintain any connections she has now and understood that she'd be heading back the next year, maybe it wouldn't be too hard on you guys. I would say you'd need a plan to help her readjust to school, but so much can change in a year, so who knows where you'll all be with it then? Best wishes, either way! :)

[Thandiwe]

This is an interesting thread!  My initial response was, "Go for it!" based on our experiences, which I will get to later, until I read PigPokey's response.  I really, really see the point PP is making, and honestly identify more with that response.

In our house, we had a foster daughter from 4 weeks until she was 2.5 years old.  It was a rough road, one we expected (maybe more hoped?) would end in adoption.  It was a complex, twisted case, and when it ended, it ended very, very quickly and abruptly with her rapidly going home.  My kids were: 5, 3, 2.5 (the foster daughter), and 9 months old at the time.  We homeschooled, until mid August this year when my kindy boy decided he *HAD* to go to school, so we found a charter and enrolled him.  When his sister (the only thing she has ever been to him, though technically it was foster ) had to leave, our family went through a big trauma and huge loss.  We decided to pull him (with his requests) a week or so before it actually happened.  We kept his preschool brother in school (he was at a private preschool that he loved), but he too was pulled a couple of weeks later.  I don't regret the decisions we made, for so many reasons.  My kids went through an absolutely horrific event when she left and literally fell out of our lives overnight (no contact, per her mom's desire).  Having access to us 24/7 and a less stressful learning environment helped them more than I can say.  Within a short span of time, my son was eagerly learning and exploring, and most of all, everyone adjusted (at least here in our home) as best as I could hope for.

Then reading PigPokey's response, I see her point.  It doesn't really sound like you are interested in committing long-term to homeschooling, and I would be concerned about drawing her out separately on this basis.  I would maybe consider other factors.  Is she in therapy?  Maybe some therapy, individually and with you, might help her process.  How about the school?  Is it meeting her needs, or could you examine a different school where she might connect better?  I think you could make it work to pull her, but I do think it might make the problem worse.  If she's insatiable now, it might get even more so, maybe even possessive once she has you nearly to herself during the daytimes. 

I wish you all the best in making your decisions; this is big and you have a lot to consider.  One piece of advice that has often helped me is to remember that with homeschooling you can take it one year at a time.  Re-group and re-evaluate every year if you need to!

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by MrsH 

I guess what it really boils down to in the end, though, is that I'm not yet able to just pull both kids out of school and believe that that'll be workable for us.  Knowing that, does it change anyone's responses at all?

First, you earlier talked about committing to homeschooling indefinitely.  I will speak for myself, and guess that I'm speaking for most of us -- home schooling is something we do, often of indeterminate duration, but there's no commitment to infinity.  I am often asked if I will be home schooling them through high school.  Yes, I can see individualized education working to fledge them into university or apprenticeship in their careers of choice.  For example, there's a lovely women's college a mile or two down the road from my house, which is no more expensive than the private high schools, and I would probably rather my 14 yo DD went there, than high school, for things like hard sciences.  I mean who wouldn't, but I think most people are so far in the box, they don't realize that education and the paths to career and college at the highest levels do not require those six walls.  That does not mean my kids won't go to high school.  I don't know.  And many of my home schooling friends have had kids enroll in school for one reason or the other at different times, usually to stay, just as my schooling friends have also out of the blue contacted me with 'OK I'm pulling them out, what do I need to file?"

What you're saying about your family doesn't make me change my answer because my answer was maybe and it's still maybe.  I am curious as to why you think it's unworkable.  I have a friend, for example, who thinks it's unworkable because she needs her kids to leave the house at 9am and not return until 3pm.  She does as much "homeschooling" (homework, Kumon, the foreign language her kids' school is missing, PTA, fund raisers, volunteering in the classroom, getting special materials together, the constant onslaught of school plays, fairs, and programs, etc.) as I do but she needs it structured in a certain way for her sanity and that way is that the kids leave the house every day for 6 hours.  I, on the other hand, would rather do it myself and have it all done by noon except for the activity-sports-driving and housework.

[aja-belly]

i think it could be a very good thing for you guys.  if i were in your shoes, i would probably try to work plans out that could include her going to school next year or not and then deciding some time into the summer. i imagine 6 weeks into summer break you would have a much better idea of whether she would be better off in school the next year or spending longer at home with you. i certainly don't think it would be sending her negative messages about her wholeness or anything like that unless you guys are presenting it to her that way. i also think you should keep her thought and feelings in mind. even at this young an age she can probably express somewhat if she is missing school or really wanting/needing more time with you (as she has said already).

[MrsH]

I've been thinking a lot about all the ideas expressed here, thank you all so much for your thought-provoking responses!  I think that at this point we'll continue leaning towards doing it but need to think a bit more about our reasoning and how to explain it.  It might end up being as simple as "you didn't get all that time with me in the beginning (like the little ones did) and so let's make up for some lost time and do this thing together.  We'll try it for a year and see how it goes."  She is in therapy but it's been hard to keep up with much regularity this year, unless she were to give up her sport or music (only two activities at a time).  Doing fun activities are part of her therapy in some ways, allowing her to just be a kid who does kid things.  Lots of time for free play is part of it too.  I often feel like school is just so inefficient that it's the one thing that seems worth "giving up" for a while in order to create space and time for the other things.  I don't think we'd really be giving anything up, and I think she'd likely learn better, just because of the efficiency thing. 

I don't think it's unworkable for our family to homeschool indefinitely.  However, I'm not yet ready to commit to that either.  Having only parented for 2.5 years I'm still in doing some major transitional work and often struggle with how my identity has changed sine I became a mom (we became parents pretty much overnight.  There was one week between us realizing that she needed a home and her living in ours... not ideal, but that's life sometimes!  We then found out we were pregnant the next month, and a month later her brother joined us).  I don't yet have enough information about where all the pieces will fall, to know whether I'm up for spending such intense amounts of time with my kids.  Some days I think yes absolutely, some days I just want to go spend a week on a deserted island, I can be so introverted.  Not that that inherently means I couldn't homeschool, I'm just still adjusting and learning how to identify and then meet my own needs.  And yes, I do therapy too! 

I'll keep pondering all this and might post again as we keep thinking of different things.  Thank you again for your helpful perspectives!

[Thandiwe]

Good luck in your choice!  What do you have to lose by trying it?  What if you just try a month and see what happens??  Trust your instincts, don't question yourself so much.  You know your kids well. 

[junipermoon]

Hi Mama,

I have homeschooled both of my oldest two (like you, both were foster/adopted) at different points, for many of the reasons you cite, and it has worked well for us.  My oldest homeschooled for the 5th grade and the 7th grade, and my middle son for K and for 2 and currently is doing 3rd at home.

My oldest is diagnosed reactive attachment disorder, and each year home he made big, huge strides behaviorally.  WAY more effective that therapy.  I really think time home gave the opportunity for healing that just couldn't happen with him juggling the stresses of school away from home. 

It's not a magic bullet, but, it really helped.

I would probably not set up the situation in your daughter's eyes with the "we want to give you what you couldn't get when you were younger" thing, though--just my opinion--that might trigger her or set up false hopes in her mind (and/or stress) re: what the year home will look like.  I would probably just say, "Some families homeschool, and that is the choice we are making for you this year!"   

Good luck to you!

[AAK]

Originally Posted by MrsH 

I guess what it really boils down to in the end, though, is that I'm not yet able to just pull both kids out of school and believe that that'll be workable for us.  Knowing that, does it change anyone's responses at all?

I don't have adoption as a background.  But, I did pull one dd out mid third grade without knowing whether or not I would still hs her for fourth.  It was a huge step for me and our family.  We ended up pulling our second out in the middle of first (the year following the first pull out).  And, tbh, right now I don't know what to do with the third.  For us, as a family, it is always a year by year decision.  I won't allow us to flip flop back and forth, but if at any point it isn't working (for the child or for the family) I will send them back.  

So, in short, I don't think you have to "KNOW" that it will be workable with you.  You can try and see.  I would make that clear in the beginning though.  Say, "let's try homeschooling for a while. . . we will re-evaluate at the end of the school year to see if it is something we want to continue"  That way, she isn't expecting to stay home always, and she realizes that she needs to help make it work if it's going to.

Also though, regardless of your decision, I would make sure she was seeing a counselor to help her with all the changes/stress/etc that she is dealing with.

Amy