Help me forgive?

[alexsam]

The issue is with my aunt. Growing up, she was always "the fun one" and I have many memories of really excellent times. She was not married, she was almost 20 years younger than my mom (making her much younger than all the other "grown ups") and she had a great time with her friends and was a party girl, and she was always a very "real" person with a good sense of humor- quick to laugh and had a way of being *real* in ways that most people are not. She has always also struggled to different degrees with mental illness, though people have been hesitant to call it that. We are a loud, ethnic bunch with a high tolerance for big emotions and dramatics, but even in the crazy Italian malay, she stood out as "over the line" sometimes. She always seemed to be "arguing" with someone in the family and at her worst, these times would include breaking things, really terrible screaming, and even some low level physical confrontation (no one ever hurt). She could turn on you- decide you were on her list and become downright cruel. She was also very vulnerable and my mother mothered her a lot and you could see that her ups and downs were more than what the rest of us had.

My grandfather died, and for a minute there, she really lost it. On one hand, I felt terrible that she was truly ill. Really, she was/is not a lousy person, bust someone who has some emotional disorder. Never diagnosed or anything, but it is clear. On the other hand, I did not want to be a part of her hurricane anymore. And though I know it was not "all her fault", I can't help being truly angry at some of the cruel things she said and did. And with a child, I just didn't want to put him in this. Couldn't. I retreated. I kept things to Christmas cards and emails once in a while. Things were "cordial" between us, which in a boisterous Italian family means that it was chilly. There were a few minor things- she was ticked I "Didn't do enough" when she got married, I've spent time and emotional energy skirting around her and being angry.

Some time after this, she found a great man, fell in love, and got married. He has been an enormously stabilizing force for her, they are successful in their careers and go on lots of vacations and enjoy their friends. No children, but it seems that this was by choice as well as age factors and is fine for everyone. They have a nice house, a dog they dote on, they have a great relationship and all is well. In this time, my grandmother died and instead of Aunt loosing herself, she made it through in a healthy and secure way with his support. Though I'm sure she has her personal moments, it looks like the combination of security and some low level treatment have really changed her life. She's been good about 3 years now. We are facebook friends and though we don't post to each other much, but things are positive, but not close. I'm sure if I was willing and able to put out the first signs of reconcilliation she would meet me more than half way.

Most of my family and all of my close family (parents and sister) hold no ill feelings toward her despite it all. The unwritten rule in the crazy Italian family is that we are all family and very few of the many "dramatic episodes" really lead to lasting discord. Forgiveness is the norm. 

I'm having a hard time letting it go. I'm having a hard time knowing where to go from here. I kind of miss the "old Aunt" and I am genuinely glad she is doing so much better. But I'm not sure how to forgive her cruelty or trust that it would not happen again.

Any words of inspiration or how to put this into perspective would be helpful...

[dakotablue]

((Hug))

forgiveness is hard, but you wouldn't be forgiving her for her, instead it is for yourself. We are the bearers of unforgiveness, not those we're disliking.

I don't have much advice other than to really get angry first, once you can really get mad you can figure out why your so mad, then move past it.

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life, some I'm not even sure how I was able to, but I do not regret forgiving anyone ever. but like I said above unless you really work out the angry and really see the whole picture you are likely to not fully forgive.

Sorry this isn't much, but I wanted to reply with what little I can offer.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by alexsam  But I'm not sure how to forgive her cruelty or trust that it would not happen again.

...

Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. You can forgive someone who isn't trustworthy. Forgiveness mean owning every single once of pain they caused you, and then releasing it. At first, it can be a day by day choice to release anger. To love yourself anyway. To choose joy anyway. To move forward with your own life, with every bit of your consciousness, not allowing the pain of the past a place in your present.

Some people find different ways to do this. I like rituals. I write very angry letters spilling out all my pain, and then I pray and cry over them, and then I burn them, releasing all that negative energy from my life.

To refuse to forgive is continuing to punish yourself for someone else's actions. Forgiveness is all about YOU. It doesn't have a thing to do with anyone else. You do it for yourself. You free your energy for what you want in your life.

..............................

Re-building trust is altogether different. It either comes slowly by someone else being willing to earn it back, or it is given for no reason, which risks that the person still isn't trust worthy. I've no idea if you aunt's mental health is solid enough that she won't behave in hurtful ways in the future. But if you want to rebuild trust, you could consider how you could deal with it differently next time so that it doesn't cut you to the core again, and you could consider moving into a relationship with her slowly rather than diving in head first.

It sounds like you love and miss your aunt.