Loss control, need steps in the right direction ;-(

[MaRa93635]

I am so ashamed of my behavior and I need to let it out, I lost control with my daughter today, what set me off was so stupid and little but I can now see it was a build up.  I hate the fact that I am like this.  I got to the point of red, Rage.  The only thing I wanted to do was to be hurtful and mean.  Why do people get this way?  I dont know how to change this behavior please help!!!  I said some really bad stuff and did something I thought I would never do. Tried to put a bar of soap in the mouth. What the Heck was I thinking. then told her I didn't like the way she was behaving (thats not bad) but told her I felt like walking out the door and not coming back.  WTH!!!  I was telling her things that I would tell a friend while I was venting you know.  I messed up and never want it to get this way again. My mother was the same way hurtful mean and when I think of the way I felt so much hate for her, that is not what I want her to feel for me.  Where do you go from here? 

A mother in need of other Mothers ;-)

Mara

[wondermama]

Mara, first, take a deep breath.  We *all* lose it from time to time; there is no perfect mother, that's for sure.  I know firsthand (and have heard from all of my mama friends) how painful it is to watch ourselves act toward our children the way we were treated as children (and hated being treated) and to feel so out of control of our behavior. 

There are a few things I can tell you: first, if you can at all afford it, the most efficient way to deal with clearing your own childhood patterns and pain is to find a great therapist and just let it all out (many therapists also have tips and tools for keeping your cool when angry, etc.).  If this is just not an option, what helped me was to buy a journal (or create a word document) and just pour out your feelings of frustration, rage, disappointment, without censoring it.  That can really help let out some of the pent up feelings (I used to do this every morning).  Believe it or not, physical exercise helps me keep on a more even keel (yoga helps the most, but really anything).  Getting outside or changing the scene when you feel your frustrations beginning to mount (again, it's winter, I know this is hard this time of year) can help, too. 

I'm sure other mamas will have other tips and advice for you, but I wanted to mostly let you know you aren't alone and this is a hard, hard journey.  I try to remember that no matter how much I slip and fall as a mother, my children are still getting a *way* better childhood than I had, not perfect, but definitely better, and that all I can do is to continue to strive every day to be the best mother I can and forgive myself and move on when I fail.  I wish you healing and peace.

[MaRa93635]

Thank You Wondermama ;-) I will try writing things down as you suggested. I know that when you start to feel that you are going to lose it walk away, some times I dont feel I am going to lose it and just snap. Then I try to walk away but it becomes so difficult.  yesterday I tried to tell my daughter I need a time out and she clinged to my leg I could not leave the room, that just seemed to piss me off more.  (I understand now why she clinged because of what I said.) 

Thank You for taking the time out to respond it really means a lot to me dear ;-)

[NewBeginnings1]

It sounds like your daughter is young. You still have time to change how you deal with her and your anger. My mom would always blow up at me and then come back and talk things over, cry, and hug and make up. Make no mistake, I usually deserved her rage. But after while, the apologies lost it's sincerity to me. I always wondered why my mom could never change her anger, not even for me. Now I understand how such anger builds and builds.

My new tactic is that whenever I reach my limit, I tell myself one word "Compassion". That is what I want to give to my son, and what I want him to remember me portraying. It diffuses me on the spot.

You have the power to stop the cycle of anger.  Start by taking it one issue at a time. You can do it!

[MaRa93635]

Hi Newbeginning1,

I will try to remember Compassion! Thanks for your words ;-)

[Spring Lily]

First thing: apologize to your daughter. Not sure how old she is, but I'd sit her down and tell her in an age appropriate way that you are sorry for yelling when you got mad. If she's old enough, I'd also tell her about the specific hings you said that you regret. And then give her the space to talk about how she felt when you were yelling--even a toddler can do that part with you.

I've had that exact same reaction when I say I need a time out and the kids impede me--I take a deep breath and calmy but firmly take them off me/move them out of the way and say in a NON yelling voice, "Mommy is angry and needs a time out to calm down." And then I shut the door so they can't follow.

Speaking of time outs, I am also currently reading "Time Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting." It really makes you think about the whole situation from the perspective that it is YOUR issue and you're putting that on your kids. It also talks about giving yourself compassion, not just the children, and gives you a lot to think about regarding your own childhood. It's been good so far, but I have to admit that it brings up a lot of emotions from your own childhood--just like therapy--so you do have to kind of prepare yourself for starting that journey. But it sounds like maybe you're ready to start down that path.