Upset by negative responses to the fact we homeschool

[mmmmochi]

Ok, so I live in Japan, which makes it a bit `different`. I am just sick with all the negative comments I get about the fact I am homeschooling.

I have been told my daughter will  be wierd, antisocial, that I am strange, that I am a bad mother for not making her go to school. That she is pathetic for  not tolerating, withstanding, putting up with the bullying better. I have been stopped in the street and asked why she is not in school, I have been accosted and told Im ruining her life and school is so much fun.

School is not fun when you get beaten up by the other kids and called a `dirty foreigner` when in fact you are half Japanese, and feel like your own people are rejecting you.

Again, today, on this site, someone started with the `oh my husband would never let me homeschool his cousin didnt go to school and ended up agrophobic`.

Homeschool does not mean no school or  no social interaction. I am sick of peoples attitudes.

There is a possible move to California on the cards, so fingers crossed. I am hoping it is somewhat better or more accepted to homeschool in the US? I asked dd if she would  like to try school in America, but she told me she loves homeschool and wants to continue.

Sorry. Just venting.

[bandgeek]

I think it depends on the area, but I would expect california to be pretty accepting.  But pretty much every argument you listed will be heard here in the U.S. too.  Maybe not as frequently and I wouldn't say it's a common problem.  I live in Ohio, which is not terribly progressive WRT things like homeschooling, but I mostly get curious questions, not nasty comments.  You'll be able to find other local homeschooling families pretty much anywhere in the U.S.  Even my tiny town has a few.  So at least there will be other people who will be going through the same thing.

[pigpokey]

We live in the Atlanta metro area.  Home schooling is ... dare I say it ... mainstream here in the metro area.   I have no idea what the percentage is but I'm guessing conservatively that 1 in 20 kids is homeschooled or in a cyber school, and I think it's probably higher.  What that means is that everyone who has age-peers to your child will almost certainly know another homeschooling family, or is home schooling.  It means there are multiple families my kids' age within 3 blocks of my house who are home schooled.  When my kids are asked what school they go to and they say they are home schooled the comment is always one of two things:  "You must be smart" or "Aren't you lucky" (from the adults).  Other kids respond by asking to be homeschooled too, or probing my kids' knowledge base in an attempt to prove to themselves that their full day school is making them smarter than my kids.

At any rate, no, it's not like that in the US in urban areas.  I think in small town USA there is some pressure to be in the school system for social reasons, but in the cities where we have numbers and other families are also scattered between their choices of schools, it's not a social issue.

It also means we have a robust home school "economy" serving our children after morning rush hour and before school gets out, in classes, activities, sports teams, etc. for home schooled kids.

[mmmmochi]

So I guess the consensus is homeschooling is still frowned upon in some areas of the USA, but Im unlikely to get the outright hostility I get in Japan, in California? I would not be considered a mainstream mom, but also not quite as isolated or vilified as I am here?

Another mother from the school my daughter used to attend just came out with it and called me a bad mother, to my face, in the street, for not making my dd go to the elementary school. It really is unpleasant.

Pigpokey, it sounds  like homeschool heaven where you live! I would love to have other like minded mothers around and some more activities in the morning!

I would be happy for her to try school in California. I figure it would  be far more accepting, and she would in no way get the racial bullying she has been subject to here. She is doing so well being homeschooled and is reluctant to go back to being one of many children in a class without the attention she gets right now, and also being told what to do academically, rather than following her interests. She is quite vocal in asking to continue with what she is doing now.

I am rather hoping this move goes ahead!

[dubatatamama]

I am so sorry you have had this experience!  Hugs to you and your family!  Is this just a cultural thing that they feel they can decide what's best for your child, and outright call you a bad mother??  That's terrible!

We live in MA and there are a lot of homeschoolers, but there are also a lot of schooled kids as well.  We have not had one negative comment yet, usually just "Oh that's great!" or "Good for you!" Now I don't know if they are saying it to be nice, and I don't really care, but at least it is not the blatant attacking you are experiencing!  

I hope you can get something worked out!  So sorry you are going through this...

[pigpokey]

I'm not aware of much prejudice against Japanese families here.  I think the Japanese culture is fairly well respected.  There is a general hope that first and second generation US residents will not ONLY stay with their cultural groups but will also be active in the mainstream and will speak enough English around English speakers that we don't feel like there's a big secret going on. 

[*Jessica*]

What you're dealing with sounds awful.  I want to reassure you that even in small-town America you are highly unlikely to face such blatantly negative commentary.  From what I can tell, my family is one of only two in our school district that is homeschooling.  I live in a town of just over 600 people.  I have never had a single negative comment from anyone in our town.  In fact, I don't remember hearing any truly negative comments directed towards homeschooling from anyone in any of the nearby towns I frequent.  I've had a few "I could never do that!" comments, but that's about it. 

I think that even in the least homeschool-friendly areas of our country, and I definitely wouldn't count California as one of those, you are going to be far less likely to face the hostility you're currently facing. 

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

Ok, so I live in Japan, which makes it a bit `different`. I am just sick with all the negative comments I get about the fact I am homeschooling.

I have been told my daughter will  be wierd, antisocial, that I am strange, that I am a bad mother for not making her go to school. That she is pathetic for  not tolerating, withstanding, putting up with the bullying better.

and yet, Japan wonders why they've got so many people committing suicide.

[sapphire_chan]

http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/001/more_perfect_union.html is from 2007, but may still be accurate to the general experience of homeschoolers in CA.

http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/001/bitter_homeschooler.html will give you a feel for the typical negative remarks that come out. But since the U.S. isn't all about the group over the individual and there are soooo many more ways of doing things, you're not going to counter negativity nearly as often.

Seriously, homeschooling in the U.S. will seem unbelievably easy to you after what you've put up with.

[mattemma04]

Hang in there! I am sorry to read what people are saying to you.You are doing the best you can for your daughter by not forcing her to attend school where such poor behavior is tolerated. Come up with a snide remark to the comments,or just roll your eyes and walk away with a simple "whatever" comment.

Returning to the US you will see there are SO MANY OPTIONS for schooling a child.Yes,some people may still comment about the choices others make,but it seems way less hostile than what you are dealing with.

I hope you can move soon!

[sapphire_chan]

Oh, there's an idea. Since you know English, and presumably the criticism is coming in Japanese, how about if someone gives you a nasty look and comment while you're out and about you put on a blank look and say "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Japanese!"

Note, this approach will still work even if you've been speaking Japanese all along.

[onlyzombiecat]

I'm sorry you are being harassed. :(

I'm in small town Kansas and I'd say homeschoolers here are rare but we have never gotten any negative comments or looks from strangers if we are out and about while school is in session.Most of the people we know have had a positive reaction to our homeschooling even if they do not choose to homeschool. I don't really strike up conversations with strangers anyway and there are so many reasons why a child might be out with their parent while school is in session. However, I have heard stories of some homeschool kids being bothered if they are out and about on their own during school hours.

[mmmmochi]

Originally Posted by pigpokey 

I'm not aware of much prejudice against Japanese families here.  I think the Japanese culture is fairly well respected.  There is a general hope that first and second generation US residents will not ONLY stay with their cultural groups but will also be active in the mainstream and will speak enough English around English speakers that we don't feel like there's a big secret going on. 

My husband is part white American, part Japanese, and was educated in the States. We are only in Japan for his work. Right now, we do not have the luxury of not going where the work is. To be honest our children, and even my husband is more or less not accepted as being `true Japanese`. We have had so many bad experiences we have no desire to mix with the Japanese communities really, beyond getting some nice sushi now and again.

One of these vile women who calls me a `bad mother` told me becuase my husband was part white he was not even  really `proper` Japanese. (rough translation...it sounded even worse in japanese).

He has a very good job, is trilingual, and a decent person. He still is not accepted here in Japan.

My daughter, after being called a dirty foreigner by her `own` cultural group, or at least one of them (the Japanese), has understandably rejected Japan.

My children speak English as their first language, and their Japanese is not quite as good. My daughter refuses to speak Japanese at all since she was beaten up in elementary school here.

We are an English speaking family. As far as Japanese who speak mainly Japanese, even in the US...well...I think you will find it is generally not that they are refusing to speak English, they honestly cannot do so at least ones who were raised in Japan. It is no easy to learn another language and be confident in it. As long as they pay their taxes and dont commit crime, it really is not the end of the world that they prefer to communicate in Japanese is it? After all, I revert to English often enough in Japan, and noone really complains.

I am not afraid of a bit of prejudice in the States. After Japan, it will be a breeze to deal with any problems like this in the US!

Poor dh, he is a foreigner in Japan, and a foreigner in the States! What hope for the children to feel like they actually belong! I actually found him in tears listening to a radiohead song `Im a creep`, singing `I dont belong here` to himself, in full on tears. I know he would love to go home to the States.

[mmmmochi]

Sapphire chan - there was no way I was going to allow my daughter to carry on in school here under those conditions. To be honest, really does Japan care about the child suicide rate? All I hear is a lot of excuses and `shoganai` - (trans what can we do! Thats life!).

I have to admit, the last few times I have not been polite, nor answered in Japanese to these other mothers who seem to feel they need to tell me their opinion about me and my family. They know I understand though, Sapphire. I walk on past, but really, I get accosted coming out of my apartment, trying to cross the street, in the supermarket. I even changed supermarkets to avoid confrontation. It is these PTA school mothers who seem to be very insistent on telling me that I am wierd and my daughter is weak.

We legitimately homeschool, with all the relevent permissions. I think the school were glad to get rid of the crazy foreign woman who got upset about her daughter being bullied. I was not going to be polite, nor was I going to be fobbed off or placated. Their suggestion was the my daughter would take play times with the teachers inside, while everyone else went outside, then she would not be hurt or verbally bullied again.

I do not hate being here in Japan. It has just upset me to have to deal with these people.

I think it is a cultural thing, that other people, mainly old women and other mothers, feel that they can have an opinion about children they have no relation to. From being told that my baby was too cold and should have more clothes on and a blanket (in 90 degree heat in Tokyo in August), to "why are you crying little boy..oh you want a toy? Mama, buy him a toy!!"....to " you are a bad mother, school is fun, and your daughter should tolerate bullying". Ive even had "do your children have the same father, your son does not look at all Japanese". All from people I dont know, at all! I have got used to it.

If this new job comes through in California, and the visas work out, then we will be there by spring. I am not American, it is dh who has the American heritage and family. I am, however, a native English speaker, and the children are fluent in English. My daughter is doing Calvert homeschool, and is a grade ahead of where she should be, so should be able to slide into school in the States without a problem. I really do  not want to force her back into school.

It sounds like life will be a lot easier in California, with homeschooling!

Thank you, everyone for the support and information!

[MittensKittens]

I couldn't read and not reply. Big virtual hugs to you! We're also multicultural and multilingual, and foreigners everywhere. I really hope you'll be able to head for California soon!

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

I think it is a cultural thing, that other people, mainly old women and other mothers, feel that they can have an opinion about children they have no relation to. From being told that my baby was too cold and should have more clothes on and a blanket (in 90 degree heat in Tokyo in August), to "why are you crying little boy..oh you want a toy? Mama, buy him a toy!!"....to " you are a bad mother, school is fun, and your daughter should tolerate bullying". Ive even had "do your children have the same father, your son does not look at all Japanese". All from people I dont know, at all! I have got used to it.

Same story where we live too. It can be so, so annoying, can't it?

[tammyw]

We're in San Diego and love it here for homeschooling. So many opportunities for homeschooling!

[mmmmochi]

Im glad to hear San Diego is quite liberal with homeschooling, that sounds promising!

Mittens, Thank you for your support. Im sad to hear that you are in a similar situation to me. It can be very wearing, and feel quite hostile. It has, however, made me a much nicer person. I know how much it hurts, even low grade racial/cultural hostility.

I am not Japanese, so I dont think it hurts me as much as it hurts dh or the children. It must be so much more upsetting when it is a culture and community and race you have a link to, that is rejecting and harsh. I kind of think well, I dont belong here, I am not Japanese, I have no right to complain about people not wanting me here, or being rude to me.

[lizzie]

Just wanted to add my support - I'm so sorry you've all had to deal with such hostility! I had no idea Japan was so opposed to HSing - I really enjoyed the time I spent there, but then I was single with no children then, and had the added weirdness of being a redhead - everyone was always so nice! Either way, my husband is a truck driver, and my kids and I occasionally go on the road with him and I have a MIL in Southern CA so we spend a lot of time in the Los Angeles area. Everywhere we've been, all across the country, and especially in CA, all we ever get is the occasional curious questions - never any negativity! I hope your move comes through quickly and easily and you can relax and make whatever choice works for you all. I've heard CA has lots of groups and support and opportunity for HSers, statewide. :)

[mmmmochi]

Lizzie, Japan is fun when you are single, being a mother and living here trying to integrate is another matter unfortunately. I was here as a single, no children young woman, and had a blast.

Everyone was polite to me, I had a great social life.

The change comes with children and marriage. Then you are not the interesting teacher, who has status that comes with the respected postition of teacher. You are a mother, and you can never ever be part of the `group`, you cant fit in, no matter how good your Japanese. You become a target, as you are upsetting the "wa" the harmony of the society, simply by looking, sounding, and acting in a way which is different to the `group`.

There are some exceptional people here in Japan, but children are `public property`. Everyone is welcome to give you their opinion it seems, especially if you stand out being non japanese, like I do. The politeness melts away and it has become downright hostile. We are not doing what everyone else is doing, we do not look like everyone else, we dont have the same values, we dont follow the herd. In Japan, that matters.....

A while ago I was standing in the street waiting to cross a road. Minding my own business, with my children. An old lady screeched. We hadnt so much as looked at her. `ohhh suprised! its a gaijin (foreigner) mother!!` she shouted. As if my very presence had offended her. Horrible.

Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and we are in California by Spring. I will miss the sakura in spring here in Japan, but cant wait to leave. I am so proud of dh for finding this job and working so hard to secure this for our family.

I am not American, but am very fond of the States, and hope we can fit in and make a positive contribution to society.