Upset by negative responses to the fact we homeschool - Page 2

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

Lizzie, Japan is fun when you are single, being a mother and living here trying to integrate is another matter unfortunately. I was here as a single, no children young woman, and had a blast.

Everyone was polite to me, I had a great social life.

The change comes with children and marriage. Then you are not the interesting teacher, who has status that comes with the respected postition of teacher. You are a mother, and you can never ever be part of the `group`, you cant fit in, no matter how good your Japanese. You become a target, as you are upsetting the "wa" the harmony of the society, simply by looking, sounding, and acting in a way which is different to the `group`.

There are some exceptional people here in Japan, but children are `public property`. Everyone is welcome to give you their opinion it seems, especially if you stand out being non japanese, like I do. The politeness melts away and it has become downright hostile. We are not doing what everyone else is doing, we do not look like everyone else, we dont have the same values, we dont follow the herd. In Japan, that matters.....

A while ago I was standing in the street waiting to cross a road. Minding my own business, with my children. An old lady screeched. We hadnt so much as looked at her. `ohhh suprised! its a gaijin (foreigner) mother!!` she shouted. As if my very presence had offended her. Horrible.

Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and we are in California by Spring. I will miss the sakura in spring here in Japan, but cant wait to leave. I am so proud of dh for finding this job and working so hard to secure this for our family.

I am not American, but am very fond of the States, and hope we can fit in and make a positive contribution to society.

Over here, individualism is also frowned upon unless you are young, single, and preferably male. Children are seen as public property here as well. Once, a random guy started stroking my then three year old daughter's hair (woooo, blond hair, blue eyes, gotta touch!) and I told him to stop. He looked at me if I were crazy, and continued. I told him to stop right now, or I would be calling the police. He then started cursing and calling me a stupid foreigner. So yeah, I feel your pain! Unfortunately, it can be difficult to talk about these feelings without being accused of being a racist yourself. I am not a racist. I just want to be left to live my life in peace and be the kind of mother my children need.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

Originally Posted by pigpokey 

I'm not aware of much prejudice against Japanese families here.  I think the Japanese culture is fairly well respected.  There is a general hope that first and second generation US residents will not ONLY stay with their cultural groups but will also be active in the mainstream and will speak enough English around English speakers that we don't feel like there's a big secret going on. 

My husband is part white American, part Japanese, and was educated in the States. We are only in Japan for his work. Right now, we do not have the luxury of not going where the work is. To be honest our children, and even my husband is more or less not accepted as being `true Japanese`. We have had so many bad experiences we have no desire to mix with the Japanese communities really, beyond getting some nice sushi now and again.

One of these vile women who calls me a `bad mother` told me becuase my husband was part white he was not even  really `proper` Japanese. (rough translation...it sounded even worse in japanese).

He has a very good job, is trilingual, and a decent person. He still is not accepted here in Japan.

My daughter, after being called a dirty foreigner by her `own` cultural group, or at least one of them (the Japanese), has understandably rejected Japan.

My children speak English as their first language, and their Japanese is not quite as good. My daughter refuses to speak Japanese at all since she was beaten up in elementary school here.

We are an English speaking family. As far as Japanese who speak mainly Japanese, even in the US...well...I think you will find it is generally not that they are refusing to speak English, they honestly cannot do so at least ones who were raised in Japan. It is no easy to learn another language and be confident in it. As long as they pay their taxes and dont commit crime, it really is not the end of the world that they prefer to communicate in Japanese is it? After all, I revert to English often enough in Japan, and noone really complains.

I am not afraid of a bit of prejudice in the States. After Japan, it will be a breeze to deal with any problems like this in the US!

Poor dh, he is a foreigner in Japan, and a foreigner in the States! What hope for the children to feel like they actually belong! I actually found him in tears listening to a radiohead song `Im a creep`, singing `I dont belong here` to himself, in full on tears. I know he would love to go home to the States.

I think you'll find that, especially in cosmopolitan areas, the only people who care about people speaking a foreign language are the paranoid and/or insular (fortunately rare) and people who will stare at you uncomfortably for far too long because they're trying to figure out how to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger about the country the stranger may or may not come from.

As for being foreigners, people will mostly just assume your whole family were born and raised here.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 
Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and we are in California by Spring. I will miss the sakura in spring here in Japan, but cant wait to leave.

Well then, plan a field trip! http://www.nationalcherryblossomfestival.org/cms/index.php?id=390 =D

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 
Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and we are in California by Spring. I will miss the sakura in spring here in Japan, but cant wait to leave.

Well then, plan a field trip! http://www.nationalcherryblossomfestival.org/cms/index.php?id=390 =D

Awesome idea, Sapphire! :)

Mmmmochi & MittensKittens- Just wow. Had NO idea. I don't know how you two have lasted as long as you have with such hostility... but then I guess it's naive of me to assume it would be any different in cultures I'm not familiar with. to you both!!

[ChiaraRose]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am a foreigner and homeschool our children in rural CA and feel very accepted here. The homeschool community is huge here and I doubt you will run into anything like this at all iN CA.

Hope you can move somewhere where you will be much happier.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

Again, today, on this site, someone started with the `oh my husband would never let me homeschool his cousin didnt go to school and ended up agrophobic`.

This stuff drives me nuts. My mom, my sister and I have all struggled with agoraphobia at different points in our lives, and we were all public schooled. I don't know what exactly causes agoraphobia, but it's not homeschooling - I'm sure of that much. I actually think, in my case, that public school may have contributed, because many of my nebulous fears about people came true (bullying, talking behind my back, etc.).  At some point, I got the idea that people - at least groups of people - were a little scary. School taught me that I was absolutely correct.

Oh - and I'm also weird, and pathetic (ie. can't take bullying). So...whatever. Why is it that when homeschooled kids are "weird" or "antisocial", so many people want to blame the homeschooling...but when public schooled kids are "weird" or "antisocial", it's not the school's fault?

[cristeen]

One of the great things about CA is you'll meet all kinds in HSing circles. The public schools for the most part suck, unless you're in an affluent area. But you can find a HSing group for whatever type of HS you want to pursue.

And if you're planning on moving to a metro area, you're not liable to even draw a second look - mixed race children are everywhere here. Once you have a solid word on the job, id post in FYT to find some MDC mamas and hopefully some HS groups in your target area.

I commend you for your patience w these extremely rude people. I'd have said something nasty in response by now.

Peace and patience, mama.

[Climbing Rose]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

So I guess the consensus is homeschooling is still frowned upon in some areas of the USA, but Im unlikely to get the outright hostility I get in Japan, in California? I would not be considered a mainstream mom, but also not quite as isolated or vilified as I am here?

I can only speak for our area (Washington state), but it seems like everyone here HSs.  In eight years here, no one has once *ever* asked my DC why they aren't in school or anything like that.  Our neighbors on one side currently have three sets of their grandchildren being HS'd by their different parents, and the neighbors on the other side have close relatives that HS.  The neighbors in back of us HS too!  (We had no idea when we bought this place, but it has been nice.)

The comments my DC get in public are things like "Lucky you!!' or "You must have a great mom to HS you!"  or even "You must be so smart then!" with a genuine smile.

I can only imagine that it is very accepted as well down in 'liberal' California.

I'm sorry for what your family is going thru.  We got some *terrible* (rude, cruel,&  hateful) opposition from two women in my family in the past, and it really hurt at the time.

[Lisa1970]

Home school is way more accepted here. I am in Texas and even found that my children have had more opportunities as home schoolers than in school. Plus, they are way more secure and academically adept after home schooling. For the record, I would rather have my child be the "weird one" than be the drug addicted one, the shop lifter, or the bully, or the sleep-around. I like that my children stand out rather than just fit in. That is what will get them ahead in life and make them happier and better adjusted people.

[mmmmochi]

I cant tell you all how much these accepting positive, kind words mean to me right now.

Thank you to Sapphire chan for the information on cherry blossoms! That is amazing, I dont have to miss out on my yearly fix of fluffy pink blossoms. Have you got Japanese heritage? I did wonder when I saw the `chan` part of your name, but did not want to be intrusive.

My daughter is not wierd or antisocial at all. She is not pathetic or weak. She is the most lovely, kind, amazing, free old soul. She has such a giving heart and is amazing. She struggled with the fact that she feels rejected by Japan and yet to others she looks Japanese. Thanks to these people we went through body concious, looks concious stuff far too early. She can be stubborn and tough at times, but she knows I am her biggest fan and will always be on her side. No matter what.

Right now I am longing to be in California, surrounded by positive people, able to live my life without being bullied and harrassed and judged, when all I am doing is being a loving protective mother in the face of racists and cruelty.

Thank you all for making me feel so good about the move. I am pretty scared on some levels, as it is unknown to me, but I just know it will be so much better thn it is now.

[mmmmochi]

Cristeen, I am no angel I have to admit to telling one nasty person who accosted me and my children telling me I was a bad mother for not making my daughter go to school and withstand the bullying to ummmm...get lost. I possibly was not that polite.  It is hard to be understanding all the time. It is very hard not to get angry, or feel hurt. For the children`s sake I have learnt to walk on by and ignore them.

We are not going to a metro area, more north and rural, but I have heard good things about it. Closer to San Diego than LA, as far as this silly European can tell!
 

Originally Posted by cristeen 

One of the great things about CA is you'll meet all kinds in HSing circles. The public schools for the most part suck, unless you're in an affluent area. But you can find a HSing group for whatever type of HS you want to pursue.

And if you're planning on moving to a metro area, you're not liable to even draw a second look - mixed race children are everywhere here. Once you have a solid word on the job, id post in FYT to find some MDC mamas and hopefully some HS groups in your target area.

I commend you for your patience w these extremely rude people. I'd have said something nasty in response by now.

Peace and patience, mama.

[mmmmochi]

Im so upset. I have had yet another run in with my horrible neighbor as I was taking out the trash. I am sick of it. I am in tears as I know everyone hates me in this apartment block becuase I am not Japanese, because I would not let their kids bully my child and removed her. I am not a nasty person. I try so hard to be decent and kind. I am not racist to anyone. In my experience here, I am expected to be tolerant, but everyone else can bully my children and say terrible things to me and about me and I am meant to tolerate it.

I hate this country sometimes. I hate being stared at because I am of a different racial group, I am sick of my husband being reduced to tears because people have made nasty comments about him having an American grandparent. I am sick of the racism and of feeling physically nauseous because I am being told by people I do not know that I am letting my children down.

I wish I could just get on a plane and leave right now.

I know I am not welcome here in Japan. I understand that, and why should I be. However for my children not to be welcome here is another matter, or my dh not to be fully accepted, and I feel for them. There is such hostility and judgemental attitudes by the vast majority of the people we run into, on a day to day basis. We are not hurting anyone, we pay a fortune in taxes to benefit the country, my children are polite and loved and well cared for. Right now it all feels so negative here.

I am praying that this move works out, that visas come through, that we are able to start to make a new life together. I stay here for him, and because that is what I had to do to keep us all together. I love him dearly. There are some wonderful people here in Japan, it is the ones who are not that have made life so unpleasant for us.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

so many people want to blame the homeschooling...but when public schooled kids are "weird" or "antisocial", it's not the school's fault?

Or worse they're like "thank goodness s/he/I wasn't homeschooled!!"
 

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

I cant tell you all how much these accepting positive, kind words mean to me right now.

Thank you to Sapphire chan for the information on cherry blossoms! That is amazing, I dont have to miss out on my yearly fix of fluffy pink blossoms. Have you got Japanese heritage? I did wonder when I saw the `chan` part of your name, but did not want to be intrusive.

No, just started dating an gaming geek in college who introduced me to anime. Sapphire_chan was so I wouldn't have to be [e-mail]

I've taken Japanese language and culture courses and have read enough slice-of-life style fiction to have concluded that I want to visit Japan sometime, but living there would be a horrible idea.

(I did grow up in a house with a cherry blossom tree in the front yard. My 1st year teacher thought it was really really cool when I brought a branch to class that spring.)

[sapphire_chan]

Y'know, I wonder if part of the problem is that while the kids in her school didn't think of her as Japanese, all the neighbors do? So they see it not as the foreign family doing weird foreign things, but as the foreign family doing weird foreign things to a Japanese kid?

Not that helps with finding a solution at all, sigh...

[mmmmochi]

I have to say Sapphhire-chan, that you have really good instincts! In my experience Japan for non Japanese women, is less than ideal, and can be utterly horrible. For a holiday it is wonderful. Especially beautiful places like Kyoto are truely magickal.

My children are treated as Japanese when it suits people, and non Japanese when it suits them. Its the horrible foreign mother messing up her childs life kind of attitude. There is no solving it. We just have to leave and I hope my children find peace with their heritage one day. My daughter is more affected than my son. He is younger, and looks less Japanese than she does. For some reason this makes a difference.

I just want to be left alone. I do not want to be stared at. I want to raise my children how I see fit. I am not harming anyone, least of all them. I think dd was less happy about leaving the house and socalising when people were bullying her in school, she is much much happier now she is out of the situation.

Dh and I were talking about California, he is totally committed to moving, and we just  have to keep going to reach our goal. I think we have a lot to give as a family, and dearly just want to live in a liberal environment. Besides, Im rather desperate for a v2bac which I wont be allowed in Japan, let alone the home v2bac which I rather have my heart set on. We have the funds to pay our own way, and dh will have a specialist worker visa. If his mother hadnt been so useless he would have had his American Passport from birth!