Why do women prefer girls & feel disappointed about having sons? - Page 2

[imalego]

I could have wrote this thread.  As far back as I can remember, I always envisioned myself as a mother to a girl.  We found at the u/s of my first pregnancy we were having a boy. I quickly got over my girl-wanting mindset and got excited about my boy.  With my second, we didn't find out gender.  I KNEW it was another boy, and low and behold I was right.  2 brothers, how fun, blah blah blah.

This is my third and last pregnancy.  My "last chance" for that dreamed about daughter.  I caved at the u/s and there, plain as day, a penis.  I remained calm the rest of the u/s, but as soon as we got to the car-I was balling.  And then I didn't stop for the entire day.  I felt so selfish and over-dramatic, but part of my dream about motherhood had been crushed.  

I had such perfect girl names.  I was already setting aside sewing/knitting patterns in my mind.  I couldn't wait for a little one to actually care about the waldorf dolls I was making it!  I still can't even think about the mother-daughter relationship I won't be having as my children grow older.

I'm still having a pity party(obviously) about it, but I can see the positive side of things now.  I'm actually glad we did find out this time, because I surprised myself at how upset I was and I now I have time to get excited about boy number three, rather than holding out hope for the girl and being let down at birth.

[hilary549]

I'll chime in with those who didn't prefer a girl... I have a difficult relationship with my mother and worry about how I will prevent similar issues with a daughter. (Nurture runs deep, after all...) My brother lives down the street from my parents and has coffee with my mother during the workday soemtimes. My DH has always been a mama's boy, my father took care of my grandmother- not physically, but was there every weekend and any other chance he got, during her last illness, and my son (age 2) is totally a mama's boy so far. So I have a lot more models for a positive mother-son relationship than for a positive mother-daughter one. We aren't finding out what the new baby's sex is, but I have just started seeing a new therapist to talk about the mother-daughter issue, my own mother, etc... definitely agree with the other people who said that how you raise your child matters more than gender. Some women are very close to their moms, some sons are very close and remain close to their mothers. I also wanted to point out that while the way you raise them is very significant in that regard, their own temperaments also play a big role, and they come that way. You know how you can tell things about them right from the start, about their personalities? That stuff affects the adult relationship too- some people are naturally more independent and others naturally tend to stay closer to home.

I don't know if this is helpful to the original poster, but at any rate, best wishes to all.  I think we're all getting the children we need- they teach us a lot, no?

[kawa kamuri]

I prefer a baby. 

[msmiranda]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.  I'm doing much better now than I was when I first posted this thread.  I also have a difficult relationship with my mother -- very difficult -- and I think that at first, before I had kids, I thought that if I could be a good mother to daughters, it would be like healing the hurts from my own childhood.  I always wished I had a good relationship with her (well, not with her, but with the mother of my dreams) and craved close relationships with mother-figure type women.  Before I had kids I thought that I could be everything she wasn't and nothing that she was ... which is silly because our parents have influence on our own parenting.  Philosophically we are light-years apart, but sometimes I hear myself saying things that she might have said, and I hate that.  So maybe having three boys is the universe telling me that I don't need to revisit that relationship with a daughter of my own. 

I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything.  We all do get the children we are meant to have.

[imalego]

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

I prefer a baby. 

Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?

[amaayeh]

Originally Posted by imalego 

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

I prefer a baby. 

Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?

Thank you for speaking up.  That comment really hurt my feelings.  Kawa, it's like you are disregarding all of our very legitimate feelings.  Support, not discouragement, is why we are all here.

[kittywitty]

DDCC

I have 4 girls and 1 boy and really wanted another boy. I have 3 brothers and over 20 male cousins (2 females significantly younger than I). I really wanted daughters for this reason, but sometimes I'm disappointed I was not able to give dh that "male heir" (my son is by my ex). Sometimes I think it's a "grass is always greener" thing. I do love my girls and honestly, they are so much easier than my brothers and cousins were growing up, but my son really wants a brother.

[Tumble Bumbles]

Originally Posted by amaayeh 

Originally Posted by imalego 

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

I prefer a baby. 

Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?

Thank you for speaking up.  That comment really hurt my feelings.  Kawa, it's like you are disregarding all of our very legitimate feelings.  Support, not discouragement, is why we are all here.

 I agree. I think all of us very much love and cherish any babies we are blessed with. Unfortunately, some people have very real and deep past emotional trauma that causes a preference toward one or another gender (independent of cultural expectation or societal programming) that we are all working through. I know I was so happy about our girl because I am a woman and I felt I knew better how to parent a girl, and it would give me a chance to mother her as I was never mothered (which was healing for me). We are having a boy now and I am very much over the moon about it, but there is a teeny part of me that thinks, "okay, how can I parent a boy? I am so used to parenting a girl!". My husband even joked that he had to "learn a whole new way of being". Of course, we will adore our boy, love him every bit as our girl, and he will know he was always wanted and is a blessing -- but discounting those very valid feelings isn't helpful, imo. Different genders are different, not worse, or better, superior or inferior, just different, and adjusting can take a bit of navigating for some people.

[jshannyn519]

I really don't think that Kawa was trying to be snarky or disrespectful. Just my two cents.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

I prefer a baby. 

I lost my first child. Gender does take a backseat to one that's healthy and crying after that.

My own relationship with my mom is strained. Growing up she had this very overly sweet way of manipulating the situation so that if anyone disagreed with her ... you are really, truly evil. It messed with my head some.  I do have a daughter, she's awesome and so far, we have no big "issues" with each other. My son was my little buddy for so long and now that he's a teen.. he's separating from me some. While I understand it's normal for that age, it is a little sad. I miss him hanging on me and "helping" me with all my chores.

[kawa kamuri]

I apologise. I've been so wrapped up in what's going on in my life that I didn't realise I'd been responded to here. I also commented at a time when brevity was necessary, as it often is when one is a mom to many, so the full scope of my thoughts wasn't expressed. I left my lone sentence up to the kind of perception and interpretation I never intended. 

I - me, personally, - don't have a preference. I want a baby. That's not a statement against or for anyone else. My comment wasn't about anyone but me. It wasn't discouragement or disregarding or discounting of feelings, it wasn't at all about anyone else's feelings. I was making a statement about myself. It wasn't a testament to my lack or inclusion in trauma or anyones assumptions of my past. It wasn't a reflection on my inability to show empathy, compassion and support. I love and adore many women who have struggled with the sex of their unborn. I'll readily admit that I do not and have not personally had feelings of conflict over the genitalia of my children. I don't feel or understand everything that everyone does but that doesn't rob me of decency. 

I had three sons in a row with no hope or indication that I would eventually end up with two daughters and a step-daughter. Of course I can empathise with feelings of having a home full same sexed children! In my past as a mother to three boys yes, I can empathise with feelings of never having a daughter. I still don't have a preference to the sex of the baby I'm carrying. I just want the baby.

I'll admit that I didn't read all of the responses so perhaps my statement was ill-timed and rudely placed. I'm sorry. I was responding to the OP, to the blanket Why do women prefer girls & feel disappointed about having sons? I'll tell you, I ain't that woman. If many of you are then good on you. I'm genuinely happy that this forum exists as a place of support and camaraderie. I have felt love here many times so I don't discount anyone for seeking solace and connection with other like-minded mamas. In the future I'll be more mindful of how I can be perceived. Please know that I would never intentionally seek to demean any of you. I feel blessed to be sharing this time alongside you. I'm not here to hurt anyone. 

[amaayeh]

Originally Posted by philomom 

I lost my first child. Gender does take a backseat to one that's healthy and crying after that.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know that is also a very difficult thing to experience and I don't think in any way this discussion was remotely about whether or not the gender of our child was at all in line with not being able to have one or losing one.  Not at all.  To me, this entire discussion was more about how either we were affected by our childhood in a way that made us fear raising a certain sex or how 'others' (family, friends, strangers) talked to us about how the sex of the children we do have is somehow a reason we should stop having children or should want more children - making us feel as though they saw our current children as inferior or our goal to create a 'perfect' family. 

Thank you, Kawa, for apologizing.  The only reason I think most of us go through this journey is because we want a baby...regardless of sex.  I guess some of us might just have more intrusive family and friends that hurt us.

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by amaayeh 

Thank you, Kawa, for apologizing.  The only reason I think most of us go through this journey is because we want a baby...regardless of sex.  I guess some of us might just have more intrusive family and friends that hurt us.

Or some of us deal with it differently, no? I'm certainly not immune to intrusion, criticism, fear or hurtful opinions. And again, I'm sorry my comment hurt your feelings. 

[imogenlily]

I've had bad, traumatic experiences with men. I know I'm going to be raising a boy, and I feel this pressure to raise a "good man"- a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle man. At first this responsibility scared me. The more I thought about it, though, I realized if I was raising a girl, there would be an equal responsibility to raise a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle woman.

It's taken time though. I actually teared up at the ultrasound when I found out the sex.

[amaayeh]

Originally Posted by imogenlily 

I've had bad, traumatic experiences with men. I know I'm going to be raising a boy, and I feel this pressure to raise a "good man"- a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle man. At first this responsibility scared me. The more I thought about it, though, I realized if I was raising a girl, there would be an equal responsibility to raise a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle woman.

It's taken time though. I actually teared up at the ultrasound when I found out the sex.

This was me after I came to terms with having a girl.  I realized this was my opportunity to do it 'right' versus what I felt my mother did wrong.  This is my chance to change that pattern and empower my daughter to be who she is instead of what *I* want her to be.  It has also helped me deal with my family better in the sense that I see a very strong pattern of how my grandmother treats her daughters and why my mother thinks it's ok to treat me as she does.  I moved half-way across the country to better ensure my girls weren't exposed to my mother and her negativity towards women.  Now if only I could find a way to not get phone service....

[LLtheTinkerbell]

I totally get the fears of becoming separate from our adult sons.  It makes sense - because so many adult males today grew up in a time when being close to their mamas made them sissies. This is straight up homophobia and men's oppression. A male friend told me recently that he was told by his parents as a young child that "men don't hug".  No wonder he doesn't feel close to his parents!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshannyn519 

I have a son, my firstborn, who will be 12 on Monday. I also have a daughter who is 10 1/2. When my son was born I had a moment of pure panic because I had no idea what to do with this boy! Not being a boy it's harder for me to relate to the male of the species. I don't remember what it was like when I was a little boy, or a teenage boy, because I never was one. I have discovered that the junk doesn't matter because the human emotions and experiences tend to be very much the same, regardless of sex.

 

This is so true!

 

[lokidoki]

We are having our second son...and while I have all along said both in my head and outloud that I just wanted a healthy baby regardless of gender ~ I think there was a small part of me that really wanted the opportunity to parent a little girl and have the experience of both. It did not make me any less happy to find out we were having a boy and know that he is happy/healthy in there ~ but I know that my DH was just a little tearful at the idea of never having a "daddy's girl". Do not get me wrong ~ we adore our son so much and there is no question we will adore our second son equally as much. And I do believe the lists of why it will be great either way (girl or boy). My sons are going to be 5 years a part and I think in some regard that distance in aging would have been maybe too much for different genders to be close to one another and maybe having brothers will give them a common ground.

But I do understand the little bit of disappointment ~ and somehow disappointment even seems to strong a word to use because honestly I am over the moon my baby is healthy as I am sure everyone else here is too. I know this is our last simply because my body is not handling pregnancy well (never did really) and I cannot do another 9 months of this...and I will count my blessings to have 2 healthy sons. I also think that life is what we make it ~ and our relationships with our children is as well. I have seen boys that grow up to be very close with their parents and daughters who abandon them ~ just as often as I have seen it the other way around. I, for one, intend on not letting my sons distance themselves from family and intend to nuture that bond as they grow up.

[purslaine]

I am probably done having babies.  I have known so many boys with serious allergies, ADHD, autism (including my sisters 2 sons) that I am afraid to have boys.  Yes, afraid.  In some ways I feel like I dodged a bullet that my oldest (male) does not have anything - although he is a little low on ability to focus.

[GrumpyMum]

Three healthy boys. Oh you poor thing! I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my writing. You need to get over yourself love. Go to the children's ward of your nearest hospital and spend some time with some parents of sick kids and tell them your woes. Seriously, if your boys don't look after you when youre old it will be because they spent their lives sensing your disappointment at their having penises. Try some positivity. Hey maybe one will be gay and you'll get your girl yet

[Cynthia Mosher]

GrumpyMum, your post is inappropriate. You can advise without being insulting or homophobic. If you are sincere about being a member of this community please read our User Agreement and contact me by email to have your account reinstated.