DD (4 y.o.) and DS (16 m.o.) squabbling all the time

[acupuncturemomma]

DS, who is 16 months old, has obviously not learned most of the social play skills that DD (4 years old) has--such as asking for turns with toys, not grabbing, etc. So, needless to say, it becomes a problem when the two of them try to play together. Not that I really expect them to play together, but it is inevitable that DS is curious about whatever DD is doing.

So, for example, when playing with building blocks, DD is making towers, and DS knocks them down of won't give DD the block she wants to use in her building. Do I just have to be there to intervene ALL THE TIME? If I turn my back or try to do my own thing in another room for a minute they are at it.

DD gets so frustrated that she growls and screams, which sets DS off, and then DD ends up doing something like putting her hands around DS's neck, as if to choke him (usually the point at which I arrive running from wherever I am), which of course sets my mama bear off.

I am trying to remember to empathize with DD, because I get it that it's frustrating to have little brother in her stuff, but there's no way to have every single thing she plays with up out of his reach. I try to redirect him sometimes, but big sister is more interesting and always wins out in catching his attention.

Do I need tot try to separate them more? Help! I'm feeling like a total failure as a parent, because I end up raging at them (mostly DD.) I just scared DD when I yelled "STOP IT!!!!" at the top of my lungs. Doesn't help that DD is on day four of a fever and we have not been out of the house in four days. She was acting like this before she was sick too, though. Our whole household has been grumpy and frustrated and miserable because of it.

How to help kids be together when they are such different developmental stages?

[LifewithSage]

I have lots of sympathy, but not a lot of advice.  I have a 20 month old and a 3.8 year old (both boys) and they inevitably squabble.  What I have found works best in my house is to ask my older son to help me find a toy that his little brother can play with, or I suggest an activity that they can both do or I ask him to take turns with his brother.  So, if my older one is playing blocks then sometimes I'll ask him to build a couple of towers for his little brother to knock down and then I'll redirect my younger one after that to something else.  Or, if the older one is playing with a truck or something that we have multiples of, then I'll ask him to help me find a truck that his brother can play with.  Also, they both love chasing each other around while scooting along on their riding toys, so I'll suggest they do that.  These things work pretty well during they day when they're not tired/hungry, but at night about the only thing that does the trick is to suggest a bath LOL... otherwise, my older one is grabbing the younger one by the neck and the younger one is attempting to bite the older one and it just goes downhill from there. 

[acupuncturemomma]

Thanks for the reply and suggestions! I will try to remember to ask DD to find replacement toys for her little brother and to redirect him as much as possible.

Hoping others might be able to chime in as well...

[nina_yyc]

Our house rule is that in the kitchen/living room, the baby is a force of nature.  If the baby is messing around with your toys, it's your fault - you shouldn't have left them out.  If he interrupts your play, then don't play there - you knew there was a baby.  DD's room is another story.  If she's playing in there and the baby gets into her toys or in the way, she has the right to call for me or DH to remove him and shut the door.  DS may not like it but DD has the right to privacy.  If DD wants to craft or do lego or something that's not baby-friendly but still stay in the kitchen/living room with me, then she does it at the kitchen table.  I have also talked to her about not grabbing stuff from the baby or offering a toy in trade if she wants to play with what he's playing with.  She is pretty adept at getting what she wants   I won't say that the baby never cries or that I never intervene, but I try to keep both to a minimum and let them work it out.

They still play together lots, just not really with toys, or they play with the baby's toys.  DD is a performer and she will constantly come up with ways to make DS laugh or chase.  She invites him into her room and lets her play with her toys too...he loves it, thinks it's the best place in the world!

This has all worked pretty well so far, but DS is just 14mo and and entering the 'into everything' phase right now, so interested to see the other responses....I know things are going to ramp up in a big way around my place soon!

[lookatreestar]

arrrgh this is our situation exactly, i feel like i am the ref!!