I'm ready to give up on trying to be a good mom!

[mom61508]

DD has been incredibly defiant lately. I'm so sick of the constant hitting and whenever I ask her to do something for ex: "Come upstairs with mommy so we can get ready for the day." DD says, No. I'm not going upstairs. Me, "ok do oyu want mommy to carry you upstairs or do you want to walk up yourself?" DD, "No I'm not going upstairs, don't talk to me."

Uhhhh it's been likes this the past 3 days literally all day. She pretty much says this with everything I ask her to do. At top of that she's been hitting a lot more than usual. She tried to hit at lwast 30 times yesterday. I've tried to tell her to be gentle with her hands and If she gets mad she should hit the couch or pillow. That worked for a long time but suddenly she's back to hitting again. 

Dh is leaving in a few days for about 5 weeks and I'm 34 weeks pregnant so I'm a bit hormonal to add to my stress. I just looking for some pointers on how I can get through this phase without completely exploding on DD every time. It makes me feel awful to get so angry with her but I'm really overwhelmed with the constant attitude form her :(

ETA:DD is 2 1/2 thought that may be a need to know.

[Zimbah]

What happens after the situation you've described?  Does she give in, or do you have to get angry, or give her some sort of punishment/consequence to get her to cooperate?

I can feel your pain (well almost) as I'm 24 weeks pregnant and find it very wearing when DD, 2yr 3 months, is uncooperative.  There's only so much playful parenting I can do, and that doesn't always work in any case.  If she really won't cooperate I generally say "I want you to do xxx by the time I count to 3.  If you don't do xx, then y will happen" - sometimes y is more of a natural consequence like if you keep waving your yoghurt around so it spills I'll take it away.  Sometimes y is "I will put you in your cot".  I don't leave her in there and it's not something I'm really happy that I say but sometimes I don't know what else to do and it seems to work.

Sorry I haven't actually been helpful, just confessed my own parenting inadequacies.  Hugs.

[mom61508]

It is helpful to hear others going thru similar situations :) 

Typically she would give in but as of late it's always a battle. She will continue to say no, I'm not going to go upstairs! I know it's a phase but holy moly it's hard to deal with!

[pbjmama]

Any chance for you to get a break from each other? With daddy about to leave and a new baby about to come she is probably stressed too!

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Actually, it's probably just normal because she's picking up on your stress. Sounds like a negative feedback loop.  Time to break it.  Were it me, I'd just say, "Screw it. Do whatever you want, kid.  I'm hot, I'm tired, and I need a break.  Right now I'm going to go lay down. When you're ready to come cuddle, let me know."  Betcha dimes to doughnuts she'll come running.  What she wants is the attention, and even negative attention will do.  This way, she knows that you don't dislike her, that she's still loved (with new baby coming, that's important), but that you need a break. It's OK to say, "Hey, I need a break."  

It's also OK to give yourself a break and say, "Hey, I can't do it all, and I'm not going to do it all."  As long as you and she are fed, reasonably clean-ish, rested, and loved, everything else is gravy.

[CinCanada]

Ugh. I SO hear you on the attitude!  DD is almost 2.5 & most days is very co-operative but once she decides to dig in her heels about something that's it & I'm getting pretty tired of it too.  Like pp I'm 24wks pregnant too so I struggle with patience.  We try to give reasonable options, playful parenting, extra understanding around meals times etc but sometimes "no" is just not an option!

Our biggest "battles" lately have been around pottying & teeth brushing.  She has been potty trained for a while but will sometimes fight fiercely that she doesn't want to go.  Normally I just let it go "wow it's been 6 hrs & we're going out in your snow suit but you STILL don't want to go, all righty then, you let me know when you have to pee".  But when it's been 6 hrs, she's eaten dinner & drank a large milk, it's bedtime & I know the "I have to pee" will be used as a stall tactic in another 30 mins.....  that's when I push the issue more.  (unsuccessfully I might add)

Toothbrushing too.  Games are on & off successful but mostly it's a battle.  I don't want to make it unpleasant but it's just one of those things that is not optional.  kwim?

Really just commiscerating here, no advice to offer.  It does make me worry about what's to come once the new baby arrives though & everyone is working on re-adjusting.

[mom61508]

Originally Posted by Courtney-Ostaff 

Actually, it's probably just normal because she's picking up on your stress. Sounds like a negative feedback loop.  Time to break it.  Were it me, I'd just say, "Screw it. Do whatever you want, kid.  I'm hot, I'm tired, and I need a break.  Right now I'm going to go lay down. When you're ready to come cuddle, let me know."  Betcha dimes to doughnuts she'll come running.  What she wants is the attention, and even negative attention will do.  This way, she knows that you don't dislike her, that she's still loved (with new baby coming, that's important), but that you need a break. It's OK to say, "Hey, I need a break."  

It's also OK to give yourself a break and say, "Hey, I can't do it all, and I'm not going to do it all."  As long as you and she are fed, reasonably clean-ish, rested, and loved, everything else is gravy.

ya could definitely be that. it's a very stressful time for all of us right now so that could be an issue. I've actually had a lot of time to myself(just got over flu) so DH has been doing everything pretty much. He does a lot as it is. She knows daddy is leaving soon too so I know things are going to be hard for her :(
 

[shanniesue2]

DS got into that routine 3-4 months ago (he's almost 3)... oh goodness, it's not fun.  Add to that, he was also pretending to shoot us when he got mad.  And he would actually say things like "You're dead!" 

In our case, we had gotten in a bad habit of watching too many movies that weren't awful, but probably alsow not age appropriate (like Toy Story).  So we cut wayyyy back on movies and also put a ban on any movie that had any kind shooting in it.  That was the first step, and it may not apply to your situation.

For dealing with hitting.  If he hits me, it's a one strike and you're out thing at our house. He doesn't get any chances with hitting or other hurtful behavior.  If he hits, I don't get mad, but I immediately pick him up, tell him that I don't like it when he hits me.  I carry him to his room and tell him that he can come play when he can be nice and pleasant.  Then I shut the door and walk away.  I do this with as little emotion as humanly possible.  And I don't force him to stay in his room.  He usually immediately starts crying, then comes out of his room and asks me to hold him.  Then I ask if he's ready to be nice and pleasant.  He usually says yes, we cuddle for a few minutes and life goes back to normal and playful.  If he comes back out, but still isn't being pleasant, then it's lather, rinse, repeat.  As part of this process, we are teaching him that it's important to say I'm sorry when we hurt some one.  I don't force an apology, but he usually says, "I'm sorry for hitting you" within about 15 minutes of the whole thing.  I know that a lot of people at MDC aren't big on time outs, but I will say that this has dramatically improved the hitting situation in our house.  And I don't really view it as time out, b/c I'm not putting a limit on how long he has to stay in his room.  I actually see it as more of a natural consequence b/c when you play with people, and you become hurtful, chances are they probably won't want to play with you any more.  And now, if he starts to get out of hand, and I even hint that I don't want to play when he is behaving like that, he will immediately stop and say, "I want to be pleasant, mommy."  We cuddle for a few minutes and things go back to normal (most of the time--it's not a 100% of the time solution, but it has been successful for the most part).

For dealing with the "I don't want to xyz" battles, it really depends on the battle.  Is it REALLY so important that he do this right now?  If so, and he's refusing his choices, then I pick him up and do it for him (in the case of getting dressed, I carry him to his room and put his clothes on him).  I don't get mad or try to bargain with him or anything.  I just do it.  If we're in a situation where it's more of a preferential thing on my part, then I do offer playfulness, choices, and negotiations.  Or I just wait until he's ready to do it himself.

One of the choices I offer that usually works really well with him right now is that I will count, but I will give him a choice of how high I count.  This morning for example, we were at a playdate at a local play cafe, and it was time to put his coat on and go home.  So I asked him if he wanted to play until I counted to 5 or to 10 before putting his jacket on.  He chose 10.  I sat right next to him and counted to 10 (he joined in the counting).  When I got to 10, he climbed off the toy, put his jacket on and held my hand while we walked out of the cafe.

ETA:  We do talk a lot about feelings.  "you must be really mad."  "I can't tell you don't want to do this right now.  It's really frustrating when you have to do something you don't want to do."  "It's okay to be angry.  When you get angry, you can growl, tell us your mad, or cry."  Etc.

[colleentara]

I can definitely empathize with you. I'm about to lose my mind with my 32 month old. I just had a baby and moved to a new town! DS #1 is stressed and sooooo difficult right now. He started getting like this as the stress in our home increased, and as I got further along in my pregnancy.

The 'not wanting to get dressed' thing has passed (but it lasted a few weeks). Now we're on to  screaming/yelling inside, freaking out at every little frustration, pushing limits with touching the baby, and battling  the whole bedtime routine, etc.

We often just took him wherever we were going without getting him dressed. He usually chose to get dressed once we arrived, or once we got into the car. It was easier than struggling. Around the house, if he fought it-- we just let him wear his pjs all day sometimes.

I could also use suggestions for helping my DS through these changes. Sometimes I worry that he'll never be the sweet boy again (although that's ridiculous, because I see glimpses of him every day :). I also need to just take more breaks like the previous poster suggested.

Good luck!

[Courtney-Ostaff]

From Positive Discipline: The First Three Years: From Infant to Toddler--Laying the Foundation for Raising a Capable, Confident Child 

Page 119:

Instead of expecting your child to comprehend and "mind" when you say no, follow through with action. You might say "No biting" while gently cupping your hand over the child's mouth and removing him from biting range. You might say "No hitting" while removing him and showing him what he can do. The "no" may be more for your benefit than the child's--it helps you create the energy you need for kind and firm action.

Page 145:

.....supervision and distraction (over and over) are about the only things that are effective at this age--at least regarding pets.  When she pulls your hair while nursing, however, it can be effective to immediately (kindly and firmly) put her down and walk out of the room for 60 seconds.  Then try nursing again.  She may cry for that minute, but children this age learn more from kind and firm action than from words.

Page 227:

When your child shows anger:

• Use words to label the feelings.
• Validate the feelings.
• Provide appropriate ways for your child to express his feelings.

[lisavark]

2.5 is SO hard! My DD will be 3 next month and is WAY easier now...

Another technique (similar to the pick-what-number-we'll-count-to idea) that's been really helpful for us is "how many minutes till you're ready to do (X)?" DD always says she'll be ready in two minutes. I tell her to let me know when it's been two minutes. Usually after about 15 seconds she announces, "It's been two minutes!" and she's happy to do whatever I wanted her to do. 

Also, we don't use pjs anymore. She hasn't worn them in months. I just change her clothes before bed (which I can only do by convincing her that her clothes have food on them from dinner), and then she sleeps in her outfit and wears it the next day. She often wears the same outfit several days in a row. I am way past caring about that kind of thing...lol. (And I'm not even pregnant! I can only imagine what I'll be like when I am!) 

[mom61508]

Originally Posted by Courtney-Ostaff 

From Positive Discipline: The First Three Years: From Infant to Toddler--Laying the Foundation for Raising a Capable, Confident Child 

Page 119:

Instead of expecting your child to comprehend and "mind" when you say no, follow through with action. You might say "No biting" while gently cupping your hand over the child's mouth and removing him from biting range. You might say "No hitting" while removing him and showing him what he can do. The "no" may be more for your benefit than the child's--it helps you create the energy you need for kind and firm action.

Page 145:

.....supervision and distraction (over and over) are about the only things that are effective at this age--at least regarding pets.  When she pulls your hair while nursing, however, it can be effective to immediately (kindly and firmly) put her down and walk out of the room for 60 seconds.  Then try nursing again.  She may cry for that minute, but children this age learn more from kind and firm action than from words.

Page 227:

When your child shows anger:

• Use words to label the feelings.
• Validate the feelings.
• Provide appropriate ways for your child to express his feelings.

Thank you for this :)