Please tell me I am being ungrateful!

[Ravensong13]

Sorry if this is long..

I've written on here about issues with my in laws and my sil that is put up on a pedestal by fil, but this new issue just broke my patience. So my in laws have house in Mexico and stay here during the winters. Dh, dd and I planned a trip to come down and visit, oh, about five months ago. We carefully planned our trip around when sil, dn, and bil WOULD NOT be coming down for a visit (there are only two rooms in the house). So a few days before we are to leave sil calls and tells us that she is going to be flying her dc down and dropping him off for the week so in laws can babysit him and that she may be coming down for the last two days of our trip! Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but mil has ms and doesn't get around so well and fil has business things to attend to, so it would fall on us to help out a bit. I tried to stay positive about it, but dh was visibly upset by this news. Don't get me wrong, we ADORE dn, but we never get to have time with mil and fil one on one, because they are constantly watching him for sil. Also we feel that when he is around our dd is ignored and dn isn't exactly watched very carefully. I'm just going to say that this does not feel like a vacation. It feels like we are extra babysitters. Sil works for an airline and her dh works out of his home and they have been both posting things on fb about having days off this week and getting together for social events with friends. I do believe that everyone deserves a break now and then, but their dc spends WEEKS at a time with  the in laws and various other family members when sil and bil are perfectly capable of watching him.

So this is where I feel I need a virtual slap, lol. Someone please tell me I am just being ungrateful! I feel bitter and sad for my dd who just wants to get to know her step-grandparents better, but I feel like I can't say anything because we are getting to stay for free in a beautiful paradise! All thoughts are welcome!

[scottishmommy]

I think we are in the same family! My SIL does this all the time when we visit DH's family. Whenever we go down there for a visit, SIL will leave her children with MIL all day, including overnight visits so she and her husband can go out (they live down the street). It's so strange. To make matters worse, her children aren't even nice to DD, and have never said so much as hello to me or DH. It's not like they want to visit with their out of town aunt and uncle. I guess my best advice is to lower your expectations. Your In laws are pretty clueless. There probably isn't a lot you can do to change it. From now on be prepared that this is going to happen, no matter how much you think you can make sure it doesn't. I'm sorry! I know how much it stinks!

[Ravensong13]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy 

I think we are in the same family! My SIL does this all the time when we visit DH's family. Whenever we go down there for a visit, SIL will leave her children with MIL all day, including overnight visits so she and her husband can go out (they live down the street). It's so strange. To make matters worse, her children aren't even nice to DD, and have never said so much as hello to me or DH. It's not like they want to visit with their out of town aunt and uncle. I guess my best advice is to lower your expectations. Your In laws are pretty clueless. There probably isn't a lot you can do to change it. From now on be prepared that this is going to happen, no matter how much you think you can make sure it doesn't. I'm sorry! I know how much it stinks!

I think the thing that hurt me, was the fact that fil said, "Oh, this will be a great opportunity for you and dh to bond with and get to know dn better!" No statement about being happy that we managed to get permission to take my dd out of the country, nor that they get time to get to know HER better. Dn is only 15 months old and not very verbal yet, so there isn't really a whole lot of bonding we can do with him, that we haven't been doing already. Dh has decided he is going to say something to his sister about all of this. I'm just trying to keep a smile plastered to my face since I don't really want to be the one to rock the boat. I do swear though that I might snap if it is suggested to me one more time that I should put dd in 'daycare' like sil does....
 

[Smithie]

I don't think you're being ungrateful. I think you are probably being used. 

BUT, one of the fringe benefits that came along with your marriage was your 15 m.o. DN, and one of the gifts that you can give your DD is a lovely relationship with her cousin that isn't contingent on her being accepted by other members of the family. Doing the free childcare now may great dividends when the kids are older. 

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by Ravensong13 

I think the thing that hurt me, was the fact that fil said, "Oh, this will be a great opportunity for you and dh to bond with and get to know dn better!" No statement about being happy that we managed to get permission to take my dd out of the country, nor that they get time to get to know HER better. Dn is only 15 months old and not very verbal yet, so there isn't really a whole lot of bonding we can do with him, that we haven't been doing already. Dh has decided he is going to say something to his sister about all of this. I'm just trying to keep a smile plastered to my face since I don't really want to be the one to rock the boat. I do swear though that I might snap if it is suggested to me one more time that I should put dd in 'daycare' like sil does....
 

It's so hard dealing with socially clueless family members. I mean who does that? When people act like this I just think "what planet is this? Is this earth?" It's good thst DH is going to do the talking. You should definitely just plaster a smile on your face and say nothing, lest they blame you for being unreasonable.

[ssh]

If I was going to feel annoyed I would just change my vacation plans and go somewhere else. Your DH can tell your ILs that it sounds like it will be too crowded so you are making different plans.

[CatsCradle]

I don't know, I can empathize with your bitterness but at the same time I feel as though the idea of extended family should be inclusive, not exclusive.  I know it is hard to change your perception of what is going on here (in-laws seeking child care so they can have fun) but maybe your child will ultimately have a different take on it?  Cousins and grandparents were extremely important to me growing up.  It mattered little to me as a child whether I was getting one-on-one time with anyone.  What mattered to me as a child was that I was surrounded by family....cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, neighbors of grandparents.  I have great memories and have no regrets that attention wasn't focused solely on me.  Rather, my memories revolve around the  good times I had with people I loved.   Is it possible to put yourself in your DC's shoes?  What really matters to her?  

[Agatha_Ann]

I don't think you are being ungrateful! I think you and your family have had this vacation in your mind for five months, and now that picture has changed. I totally can see where you are coming from. I spend my days taking care of other people's children and as much as I love them and love spending time/taking care of them, when I am on vacation I don't want to take care of anyone else's kids for any extended time.

If this were my family, I would be quite happy to have the last couple days of the vacation overlap with sil and dn, that could be really fun! The whole time though? I think sil is taking advantage of the extra help at mom and dad's house...

[VisionaryMom]

DH's sister used to do this as well. We finally just cancelled a trip because of it, and it magically stopped! Well, that and my FIL finally got tired of watching her kids all the time. As they got older, that got more taxing to do, and though ILs are in great health, they realized that keeping all of SIL & BIL's kids all summer and every Christmas break and basically anytime they would have to step up and have them was too much. Now, all of the grandkids come up 1 week in the summer and enjoy a visit with their grandparents. 

It really is taking advantage, and the thing I've realized about SIL is that she always will take advantage until someone just says no. She won't learn. She has no reason to learn to be different. And while it may seem to some like fun, I resented always being expected to help take care of her children - who didn't listen to us much at all - because "they're family" when that never, ever would be reciprocated. She got so bad that DH finally just lost it with her, which is rare for him to do with anyone. She & her husband were standing 10 feet from their son, who was dripping ice cream, and she turned to DH and said, "can you clean him up? He's so messy." Um, he's NOT our kid, and you're CLOSER to him than we are. Yeah, DH wasn't nice about it, but after that and cancelling (so that the ILs had to watch them when they'd promised and not rely on us at all), it's stopped.

[Ravensong13]

Well, I managed to try and put everything past me and enjoy the trip. This worked out fairly well. Dh, dd, and I went to a few places by ourselves and really just focused on relaxing and enjoying each other's company. The last day we were there I had a conversation with fil that was fairly enlightening. He kind of 'tricked' me into talking about sil and bil, well I feel it was a bit of trickery, lol. He said to me, after sil and bil had arrived, that he didn't think he could have EVER left his kids for that long when they were that young and do I think I could have. I started to say that, no I don't think I would want to and then he jumped in saying, oh you know what, I actually DID do that all the time. I then got a bit of fatherly advice from him( read, lecture) about how married couples NEED to have vacations away from their children and how he thought we needed to do that. I stuck to my guns and said that I don't think people need long separations form their children to have a good marriage, and I ended it with we'll have to agree to disagree. At dinner that night I realized fil being hyper aware of dn's needs and trying to take care of everything for sil. He seemed to be overly concerned with her being able to handle her own child and something clicked with me. I remember fil saying that sil had called him shortly after dn was born, saying she couldn't handle it. He told me he kind of swooped in from that point onward and took over for her. I really feel that fil is worried that sil can't handle things and that is why dn is with them so much, and why I am criticized. I'm finding out that the comparing may not be him looking down on our way of parenting, but a kind of defending of his own daughter maybe? Whatever it really is, I'm feeling much better about the whole situation!

[mattemma04]

Glad to read the visit went well. I have relatives that have practically raised their kids children. I don't always agree with the choices family or friends make with their close realtives,but accept it as their choice. Lol, I just get tired of people complaining when their choices are not really what they want to do,but they do it anyway out of some sort of obligation. My mom does it with my brother and he is a grown man!

Agree to disagree is something I stick to as well.