Feeling fairly ashamed about the weekend at my grandparents

[Ldavis24]

Fortunately for me my grandparents are still alive and I manage to go visit them with DH and DD or just DD fairly often as they are only 3 hours away or so. DD is their only great-grand child and will likely be the only one until they die so they love to see her and DD loves to see them too.

I went down there a couple of weeks ago and spent the weekend with just DD.

I did not nurse her in front of them ONCE. DD nurses a lot during the day still. She is 19 months old now and honestly I just couldn't do it. Not only could I not do it, I never said once the entire time I am still nursing her. My grandmother harassed me about it since DD was 2 months old. Not meanly just pointed comments about length of nursing and when was dd going to starting solids etc.

They are literally the only people I find myself incredibly uncomfortable nursing in front of. I don't feel shy about it in general and am actually fairly outspoken about full term nursing. We don't have any plans to stop nursing anytime soon either.

So I snuck away with dd to "change her diaper" upstairs all the time during the weekend and would stay up there for 15 minutes usually.

All grandma kept saying was "she needs to eat more!" I think because she thought DD was only eating solid food!

It was stressful for me but I feel worse for DD and ashamed.

Please tell me I am not the first person to have done something this stupid! I feel terrible and embarrassed but I know I will probably do the same thing the next time we go back...Yikes, I must be able to say or do something to be brave about it. 

[PatioGardener]

Aw, Mama, be gentle on yourself. We need to pick our battles, and honestly it seems like you took a path that protected both yourself and your daughter. You kept nursing her, and you didn't do anything to bring the subject up in front of people who could have inadvertently said some hurtful things in front of her. There is nothing wrong with that!

Congratulations on nursing your DD, and continuing to nurse her while at your grandparents. 

[cinnam0n]

Hugs! Don't be too hard on yourself!  My dd is 19 months old and I still breastfeed her quite a bit during the day as well. Most of the time I don't worry about covering up (even in public places), but there are definitely situations where I feel like I should use a nursing cover or excuse myself depending on the company. Don't look at it like you were excusing yourself because you were ashamed, rather look at it like you were excusing yourself because you knew it would make them uncomfortable if you did it in front of them. Unfortunately some people of that generation (my grandmother included) were told when they had children that breastfeeding was disgusting and something that only poor women did. I think that sometimes people are so programmed, that even when presented with the facts about breastfeeding they are unable to see the truth.

[FrenchMama]

Like the other mamas said, I think that you being too harsh on yourself. I'm in a similar case, where my MIL had made comments when DD was really young about how ridiculous it is for moms to nurse their babies into toddlerhood. Well DD is 17 months and we are just starting to night wean her now. I kept wanting to mention to MIL how well it was going, then i remembered that she more than likely assumed that she had been weaned a long time ago.

Well last night DH came back home from picking up DD from the in-laws house and he had told his mom about the night time weaning. Of course she felt the need to tell DH that she weaned him at 8 months and that in nature, once baby animals eat solids they wean...I know that she won't talk to me about it, but I sure don't feel guilty for avoiding the topic with her...especially when you know that what you are doing is good, and it won't change anything in your decision.

Good luck.

[shotmama]

aww no worries mama! i should have done that this weekend! my parents are actually REALLY against BF. and i made the mistake of doing it once in front of my mother and she almost threw up in front of me. then proceeded to say that i shouldn't be doing it. BAH!

[carlye828]

You’re dealing with the generation that won WWII and made this country wealthy.  They are a generation that believed their government was truly looking out for them and thought doctors were God-like.  Most still believe what they were taught.  You know, “DDT is good for me-e-e!”.  One of my grandmothers REFUSED to wash produce.  The other was a nurse her entire life and was taught that breastfeeding was absolutely inferior to formula and that since its advent we had been completely civilized and did not have to perform that shameful and embarrassing act any longer.  I had a man start a conversation with me in the store, while we were both browsing through bpa-free cups, about how he didn’t understand why his daughter had this ridiculous need for her kid.  His generation used all these things and they are just fine.  I raised an eyebrow and did not state the skyrocketing cancer statistics that were beating my brain to get out at him, nor did I ask if he was taking Viagra to counteract the build up of estrogen-like effects of the chemicals in his body.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE this generation, and I really wish I had my grandparents still.  There are so many lessons we can learn from them, and they are highly entertaining.  They witnessed a monumental part of history.  But the fact is, they were a little misinformed on a few things.  I think they may view it as un-patriotic to change what they were taught, as silly as that seems to us.  So, when it comes to your grandparents, I think you did the right thing.  Your time is very limited with them and taking even 20 minutes out of it to have a debate about something that none of you is changing your minds about is just a waste of that time.  Don't beat yourself up about it.

[Ldavis24]

thank you mamas. nak...

I don't have any problem nursing in front of complete strangers at any time or place but something about my grandparents, sigh.

We're just going to keep on trucking though. as a pp pointed out this is the generation that thought smoking and drinking through your entire pregnancy was totally ok so I guess I shouldn't feel so bad eh!?

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by carlye828   So, when it comes to your grandparents, I think you did the right thing.  Your time is very limited with them and taking even 20 minutes out of it to have a debate about something that none of you is changing your minds about is just a waste of that time.  Don't beat yourself up about it.

I feel the same way about grandparents...I have one left, and she is 98 now.  Our time together is not something I will waste on debate, or conversations that result from her feeling the need to set me straight on anything, because she is an opinionated and determined woman and will go on and on about these things.  I just avoid those areas with her.  She visited here once, about five years ago, when DS2 was a baby and DS1 was almost 3 and still nursing.  I just kept it out of her line of sight.  It seemed the most compassionate choice for everyone involved.  His needs were still met, and it kept our time together, which is extremely limited, pleasant for everyone.  It would have been pointless to get her dander up about me nursing him....a rocky road to nowhere. 

[JudiAU]

I wouldn't hard on yourself. I always nurse my kids in another room when visiting certain folks because it is more convenient for ME and LO. There are a lot of benefits actually, lets you check in and reconnect. Some people know I am nursing and some don't. None of their business. Not every nursing session has to be a battle.

[Lizbiz]

Hey guys,

First of all, OP - I think you did just fine.  You didn't want to deal with the conflict - so you didn't invite any conversation.  That's totally within your rights as a person.  No worries at all.  If you really wanted to open up conversation about it and feel up to dealing with possible negative feedback, you can do that sometime.  I think it's fine to avoid the conflict though, especially if their opinions are what they are and you don't think there will be a real dialogue. 

Secondly, I kind of cringed at all the pokes at the WWII generation.  Please be careful of broad stereotypes.  Some of you just made my parent's generation all out to be stupid (but entertaining) idiots.  My dad IS a doctor - and one of the most naturally-minded, pro-breastfeeding, anti-managed birth docs you'll find alive today.  I'm at the younger end of a large family, so my parents are in their 80s now.  They are intelligent, discerning people who do not just believe what the government tells them. My mom breastfed all of her children, asked not to be knocked out for her births, and always had a mind of her own. 

And my aunts are uncles are not much different - all intelligent, open people - every single one of them.  I am now spending my vacation with my 79 year old uncle who's been a missionary in Korea as a Catholic priest his whole life - you'd have to search long and hard for someone as well read, as understanding, and as wise as this WWII generation man.  He's the top of the heap. 

Just thought I'd add my two cents here.  Maybe all the WWII generation folks you know are kooky and brainwashed, but not the ones I know. 

[Asiago]

Do we have the same grandmother ?

I am seeing mine this weekend and dreading it. I love her but have been avoiding her due to this very same issue. She has some bizzarre deep seated opposition to breastfeeding beyond the newborn weeks. I will likely do the same 'diaper change' stradegy as you did in order to avoid confrontation. I totally understand the need to 'keep the peace'. Hugs to you.