Do You Ever Feel Like Your Toddler Is Inferior To Other Kids?

[AnnaNova]

my son turns 2 on the first of february. i have always been tooting my horn about how all children develop at their own pace, and they will talk and do other things when they want / ready.

but sometimes i feel like my son is so behind his peers, i start doubting myself.

like i said, he is almost 2, he doesnt really talk though, i mean almost nothing at all. people kept telling me that one day he'll just "start talking" but recently he started saying some words and he is missing the endings of them almost always. like he'll say pla for a plane or bro for broken. i noticed he has trouble differentiating some sounds like "b" and "v".

he understands almost everything i say, most things in 2 languages, but squeezing a word out of him is very hard.

yes, i know that its not uncommon for kids to not talk at this age, but a few kids that i know that are of the same age talk and talk well, talk in 2 languages and say things that boggle my mind, especially when my son won't even say "bye"

he also has sort of hard time playing with other kids. he is a bit possessive and screams loudly if someone tries to take his toys. it may not seem like that horrible of a behavior for a 2 y.o. but it seems like the kids of his age that he plays with are gentle and more "civilized".

i kept telling myself that i refuse to compare, i refuse to say / think that my child is not as good at sth as others, but sometimes it just seems like there are these superkids around every corner and we are just not.

another thing is that other moms seem to be super creative and do all sorts of "projects" with their kids and when i complement them on how smart their kids are, they are like "of course, we "work" with them". and i have no idea what "work" means. i m not super creative as far as parenting is concerned, we do all the regular stuff, like books and songs and we play outside, but i dont "work" with him... and i dont even know how i would do  that.

anyway, i hope there is someone out there that feels like i do, or theres someone that can tell me what to do, i feel like im losing faith in my child and i really really hate that feeling. it feels like im letting him down

[Sleepymamaov2]

Please don't feel sad! :( Your're a good momma for monitoring his development.  Every child DOES develop at a different pace.  You don't have to "work" with him and create elaborate activities.  As long as you read to him, play with him, expose him to new experiences and places, point out vocabulary, and talk to him throughout the day, you're doing the right things.  It is very effective to just teach within normal daily routines, as long as you do it every day and throughout the day.  Sometimes, toddlers who are learning two languages show a slight delay in language development but flourish later.  If you truly feel that he is behind, then you can contact an Early Intervention Program in your state to do an evaluation.  Some states offer this type of testing free of charge.  If your little one really IS behind, then it would benefit him greatly to get some intervention while he is still a toddler and has time to change then to face even more difficulties later when he is in school.  If it turns out that he is NOT behind, then you'll have peace of mind.  Best of luck with everything!

[redpajama]

First of all, the screaming when others take his toys and general "uncivilized" behavior probably goes hand-in-hand with his lack of verbal ability right now.  He's old enough to know that shouldn't happen, but lacks the ability to say, "Hey! Give that back!"  or  "Mom!  That kid took that block right out of my hand!"  I would expect that behavior to recede as his expressive language develops.  

As for his speech, I would worry about him dropping the ends of words--at his age, if he's consistently using the same words to mean the same things (so "pla" = "plane"), I think that's okay.  And the fact that his receptive language is good is a good sign.

You mentioned two languages, is yours a bilingual home?  I think it's not uncommon for children who are learning two languages simultaneously to speak a little later.

Overall, if he seems developmentally normal otherwise, I wouldn't be super-concerned.  But if you are, have him evaluated.  In my state, that would be a free and easy process, and a lot of services are offered if he qualifies.

Good luck!

[JuliMummy]

Originally Posted by redpajama 

As for his speech, I would worry about him dropping the ends of words--

I assume you meant to write "wouldn't worry"? 

I agree with the other posters. I know it's hard not to compare, and I understand how you feel about not doing "creative projects" with your son all the time. (I'm the same - I don't do that either, but we read books, and do drawing and play outside, etc.) It sounds like you know you shouldn't worry and compare, but do anyway, and that's hard to change. Maybe you can focus on areas of development that he is doing well in? Is he physically well developed? Does he enjoy music? Does he like building things out of blocks? Does he enjoy reading books? I have a friend whose daughter was very verbal very early on, but then she had a little boy who didn't talk for a long time either, but he was much more physical. He would run around and climb on things and generally express himself that way. And he did learn to talk eventually. But by all means, if you're worried that he is really delayed beyond what is normal, have him assessed just in case.

[DuckDuckGoose]

I can understand where you are coming from because my ds1 was the same way. He was extremely aggressive and it went hand in hand with his inability to verbally communicate. We did do some signs and he "talked" all day long. Just babbled in his own made up words. Eventually at 2 1/2 he started in with words and 2 words together and by 3 he was able to communicate better. Thats when he started preschool, and I'll be honest- I was terrified that he would be "that kid" the one that was constantly in trouble. But preschool was the best thing EVER. He was one of the youngest in the class with most of the kids age 4-5 and one kid in particular took him under his wing and that year he developed so much.  The aggression was gone and his communication increased and now at 4 1/2 he never stops talking!! (just like when he was little only real words now)

[Lasater]

Be sure you are looking at all different aspects of your child's "development".  My best friend's daughter is 2 days older than my daughter.  We had a play date two nights ago, and my friends expressed that my daughter is more "advanced" than hers.  My daughter is amazing with language.  She can say anything she wants to say at this point.  They are both 2 years 3 months.  My daughter can count, sing songs, recognize letters and numbers that are written, say the alphabet....etc.  She just picks up on that sort of thing.  She also plays very well and takes it like a champ when her friend screams and yanks a toy from her hand.  However, I reminded my friend that HER daughter is potty-trained, she is independent in that she will go to the water cooler and pour herself a drink, go to the kitchen and get a snack...etc.  She is also not shy or scared of a room full of people.  She plays very well by herself and doesn't need to be entertained all the time.  Both girls are developing in different ways.  They have different strengths. 

[tzs]

Originally Posted by Lasater 

Be sure you are looking at all different aspects of your child's "development".  My best friend's daughter is 2 days older than my daughter.  We had a play date two nights ago, and my friends expressed that my daughter is more "advanced" than hers.  My daughter is amazing with language.  She can say anything she wants to say at this point.  They are both 2 years 3 months.  My daughter can count, sing songs, recognize letters and numbers that are written, say the alphabet....etc.  She just picks up on that sort of thing.  She also plays very well and takes it like a champ when her friend screams and yanks a toy from her hand.  However, I reminded my friend that HER daughter is potty-trained, she is independent in that she will go to the water cooler and pour herself a drink, go to the kitchen and get a snack...etc.  She is also not shy or scared of a room full of people.  She plays very well by herself and doesn't need to be entertained all the time.  Both girls are developing in different ways.  They have different strengths. 

this is so true. and for what it's worth, i had one of these "superkids" in my toddler class and he was honestly my least favorite kid to hang out with (not like i would have favorites;) ) sure he had all the kids' books memorized but there were a couple other kids that could take their shoes off by themselves and even put them on (or try!), and there was another who built way cool toy structures, and another who gave really funny facial expressions, and another who was way more fun on the playground...climbing over everything, and another who was an awesome cuddler....

so if we were actually going to compare he kinda came out on the bottom (sorry little dude)

[jammomma]

I can relate to how you are feeling. My almost 19 month DS doesn't speak very clearly at this point and yet his cousin who is 18 months is speaking in full sentences, like..." No more beans mommy, all done."

And his cousin speaks very clearly too. He knows all his colors and the alphabet and who knows what else. And his parents "work" with him for hours every day. And by "work" I mean work! They grill him over and over to the point where he is frustrated and they just keep on, they correct him constantly, they use a lot of negative and positive reinforcements  and rewards and they are verbally  "educating" him nonstop all .day. long. Talk about annoying to be around! jeesh! I just wanted to tell them to give the kid a break, cut the poor little kid some slack! Give him a moment to himself to explore on his own! And they "good job" the kid constantly! (We embrace a lot of the ideas of Alfie Kohn and Unconditional Parenting in our family, so for us just being around their family is like nails on a chalkboard )

But at the same time, their son could not go down the baby slide at the park, he couldn't climb up or down stairs, he was unable to scribble with crayons and he was constantly shoving and biting my DS.  So his gross and fine motor skills seem a bit behind my DS, and I think this is due in part to his parents extreme focus on language skills to the exclusion of other areas of development..

So for me I guess, I just try my best not to compare and instead acknowledge the things my sons excels at, and some days are better than others.  I am sure your son is very good at certain things and that those things be your focus. I know easier said than done, but maybe just sharing your thoughts and feelings with us here will help too. i know it helps me.  hugs!

Edited by jammomma - 1/21/11 at 4:00pm

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by tzs 

Originally Posted by Lasater 

Be sure you are looking at all different aspects of your child's "development".  My best friend's daughter is 2 days older than my daughter.  We had a play date two nights ago, and my friends expressed that my daughter is more "advanced" than hers.  My daughter is amazing with language.  She can say anything she wants to say at this point.  They are both 2 years 3 months.  My daughter can count, sing songs, recognize letters and numbers that are written, say the alphabet....etc.  She just picks up on that sort of thing.  She also plays very well and takes it like a champ when her friend screams and yanks a toy from her hand.  However, I reminded my friend that HER daughter is potty-trained, she is independent in that she will go to the water cooler and pour herself a drink, go to the kitchen and get a snack...etc.  She is also not shy or scared of a room full of people.  She plays very well by herself and doesn't need to be entertained all the time.  Both girls are developing in different ways.  They have different strengths. 

this is so true. and for what it's worth, i had one of these "superkids" in my toddler class and he was honestly my least favorite kid to hang out with (not like i would have favorites;) ) sure he had all the kids' books memorized but there were a couple other kids that could take their shoes off by themselves and even put them on (or try!), and there was another who built way cool toy structures, and another who gave really funny facial expressions, and another who was way more fun on the playground...climbing over everything, and another who was an awesome cuddler....

so if we were actually going to compare he kinda came out on the bottom (sorry little dude)

Don't get me wrong, my DD is a delight.  A pure joy she is.  AROUND ME and those very close to her.  She is super verbal for her age and spits out the most profound thoughts.  And, she is hilarious.  Just the sweetest little girl.  In a group setting with other kids she is the one that sits on her carpet square, follows all directions, listens to the teacher, never hits, never screams, potty-trained, speaks like an adult...  But, in the group setting she is also lacking something.  charisma?  She is slow to warm, really really really slow, she won't stomp her feet or dance in place, she follows along with the singing in the tiniest voice, gets anxious, fingers go in her mouth...  I swear she even has a way with clapping along to the songs.  Slow, methodical, soft as can be, god forbid she get too worked up, lol.  Meanwhile, nearly every other child (although there are a few like DD) is just happy as can be, jsut the picture of pure joy.  I love that.

Now my DN is 6 months younger than DD.  She is way less verbal.  She has yet to break the three word sentence barrier.  Still pretty verbal for a just turned two year old, but way more impulsive, loud...mean.  She taunts my DD.  She hits all her caregivers.  She screams bloody murder all the time. 

But, I have noticed that she seems to be advanced in these areas.  She seemed to hit the tantrum stage way early (whereas DD never did), the defiant stage early, the "mine" stage early.  She also will just get what she wants without asking questions.  At about 21 months, she would move chairs to get up on top of the refridgerator to get a package of candy.  She is demanding where DD is not.  We used to joke that DD did not have a spine (but now she definitely does.)   Well, all this must mean something.  Perhaps, she is emotionally advanced.

She is definitely ahead of DD in gross motor skills.  She never cries when she gets bumps or falls down, And, she has no fear at all.  And, she is so cute.  DD has silky blond hair and blue eyes.  DN has ragamuffin brown hair that is always matted and crazy, hazel eyes, and the cutest little joker smile ever.  Who gets all the comments when we are out?  DN!  She is such a flirt.
 

[AnnaNova]

thanks for all the responses. i understand that the range of 'normal' is so huge its really hard to say what's going on. he has a dr appointment after his birthday and we'll see if our dr feels like something should be done. he is usually pretty good about not rushing into things just because and i trust what he says.

i know that children develop different "traits" at different paces, but he just doesnt seem to be better than verbal kids in the non-verbal areas. he's physically well developed, but not drastically different, can play by himself, but so can all his other friends,i really can't pinpoint something he'd be better in or better developed than his friends. and that sort of feels horrible, because it feels like i dont appreciate how wonderful he is, or fail to notice his talents.

[crunchy_mommy]

Honestly, I found it very hard to recognize DS's talents & unique personality before he could speak. Maybe that sounds terrible, but he was just always crying/upset, he did cute things but nothing that most babies don't do, he was just... I don't know, just like every other baby. When he started talking, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Finally he could communicate effectively with me, and share his thoughts with me... now he does this adorable monster voice when he asks to nurse, and says things to make me laugh... it's just a whole different experience than when he was pre-verbal. I think if he were not an early talker, I would have become kind of depressed, because it was just hard for me then. I'm sure some moms have an easier time with this, but I am NOT one of them! Maybe it has to do with my own interpersonal style or something (that I really need WORDS not gifts or hugs or whatever).

So to me, your feelings make a lot of sense. It's hard to recognize your kid's individuality when they really can't fully express themselves yet, or at least not in the way (verbally) that we most easily comprehend, you know?

I really don't have a solution for you, aside from continue to spend lots of time with your DS & figure out what he loves, figure out ways to communicate with him non-verbally, etc. Ask him questions & give him other means for expressing himself (pointing, sign language, physical affection, etc.) so that you can really connect with him on a deeper level. I'm sure he'll start talking soon, either on his own or with some help from Early Intervention or something, but in the meantime, just know that it's OK to feel the way you do, it really is.

[cyanviolet]

If you do feel like something is "off" I would encourage getting your son checked out by the Early Intervention folks. Maybe I am sensitive because of our situation (our son has severe hearing loss in one ear) but I am so happy that it was caught when he was born (even though I felt like the hearing checks were so intrusive at the time). If nothing is wrong then you just get to hang in there and wait to feel better about things and know it's just a timing thing, but if something does need help, then you'll be really glad to know.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

This is a great resource for reality-checking yourself:

http://www.zerotothree.org/child-development/from-baby-to-big-kid/month21.html

Just remember, loving him, and him loving you, is the most important part.

[redpajama]

Originally Posted by JuliMummy 

Originally Posted by redpajama 

As for his speech, I would worry about him dropping the ends of words--

I assume you meant to write "wouldn't worry"? 

Right.  *Wouldn't* worry. 
 

[Surfer Rosa]

Aw, I so hear you on this. My DD was a very verbal toddler so I was kind of worried about my son when he still wasn't talking a lot ot 18 months...or two years...and then, like many people said, his vocabulary really did EXPLODE. Around 26-27 months he started saying things like "No, I already had yogurt today", when just a few weeks before I felt like "yogurt peese?" was a big sentence for him. And it has snowballed like crazy since then (he is almost 2.5). Although I was worried that he was "behind", I also felt like he understood a lot (he could follow what we were talking about, could follow instructions, was trying to chat...) so my gut wasn't saying anything was amiss.  Also, I noticed that once his verbal skills were strong enough to say things like "I'm angry!" or "I'm playing with this!" that the grabbing/shrieking/etc stopped too. He was definitely frustrated with his <lack of> communication skills. I know that kids with exposure to two languages also tend to speak later (but catch up quickly). I have three friends with bilingual homes (English/French, we're in Canada), and by age three their kids were talking non-stop, in both languages, but around 18 mo-2y, the parents were worried about their kids' language skills.

And about the "working with your kids" thing...

Some kids are sit and work kids/creative...nothing to do with parenting, IMO. I am an artist and a reader, and have raised my DD and DS with the same exposure to stuff. DD looooves making things, could read by 4, and will execute and finish a project in one go...while my son is all over the place, and not interested in learning letters, numbers, etc, or sitting and doing art projects (beyond fingerpainting, playdoh, or similar). And...that's who they are, and I can also see that my DS is also waaay more advanced than DD was at his age in building structures/towers, putting things together, laying train tracks, physical feats, etc. His attention span has definitely improved in the last few months (he'll sit through a longer book, he'll paint or draw), and I think that kids just mature in certain areas more quickly than others. I've also noticed that when my kids were developing a new skill/hitting a developmental milestone, everything else would kind of grind to a halt. I'd love to credit all the good things in my kids with the "work" I've done, but then I'd also be blamed for all their shortcomings too, right? They are who they are. Unless your gut is really worried, I would just wait and see what happens in the next few months. Good luck mama!

[cowboyjunki]

I totally understand where you are coming from : )  Even though intellectually I know that each child is different, I really have a hard time remembering this when we are around other kids my DDs age.  She is almost 20 months and only has about 5 words, most of which are only half words (she drops the ends of her words too). 

She actually has an early intervention evaluation scheduled for Tuesday.  I know it can't hurt to have it done, although I'm really feeling it's not necessary at this point.  But it can take so long to get services if there is a problem that I kind of figured the earlier I start the process the better! 

Try not to worry too much, though I understand that it's easier said than done!

[physmom]

I think in some ways I had an advantage going into parenting because of DH's development as a kid.  Dh is probably one of the smartest people I know (ok, I'm sooo biased, but he's a smart guy) but as a kid he didn't speak a SINGLE WORD until he was 2 and then he just took off.  For me my parents said I also went from not-talking to talking sort of overnight (but they have no clue at what age but thanks to an older letter that we dug up recently it was definitely after 1.5).  So with DD I actually planned ahead for a good chunk of non-verbal time and did baby signing with her from a pretty young age.  It really worked like a charm and I'd encourage you to look into it too!  It's not like you need to learn everything overnight but just start with some of the easier signs and incorporate them into you day and slowly add new ones as you learn them.  

Ironically, DD was verbal pretty early on but there was still a good period of time where she knew a lot of words but wasn't actually speaking consistently (and it was a STRUGGLE to get any words out of her mouth!) so during that time I was so thankful for signing because at the same time when she wasn't speaking any sentences at all she could sign up to four words in a row!  We're expecting #2 now and I definitely plan on doing it again next time around.  

Oh, and a great big UGH to "working" with kids. I just hate that statement.  Many times I feel like a total failure in that regard because I had little experience with the baby/toddler age before becoming a mom (I've worked with older already verbal kids at church but never kids this young) so many times I feel completely out of my league with what to do with DD!  I always read about such fun ideas on here or other places on the internet and might get inspired for a day or two but then we go back to her playing with her toys, going out somewhere during the day (maybe) and reading books.  I just don't have it in me to make tons of creative crafts and stuff beyond playing with her with play dough or coloring/painting.  

Honestly, I really enjoy watching DD's interest develop on their own and I wonder if working with here wouldn't limit that, you know?  I also agree with crunchy_mommy in that I could see her interests more after she started talking (well, in our case signing) so I wouldn't worry so much about not seeing the specialness now.  Good luck!

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by physmom 

We're expecting #2 now and I definitely plan on doing it again next time around. 

Sorry, totally OT, but I didn't know you were pregnant -- CONGRATULATIONS!!!
 

[physmom]

Thanks! I'm only 7 weeks and some change so it's still a pretty new thing. :D It hasn't quite sunken in yet either.
 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Originally Posted by physmom 

We're expecting #2 now and I definitely plan on doing it again next time around. 

Sorry, totally OT, but I didn't know you were pregnant -- CONGRATULATIONS!!!
 

[Peony]

I don't produce precocious children by any means! My two girls walked at a normal time, were later in speech, while I could tell DD1 was quite physical, DD2 wasn't and still isn't. Then I got DS who wasn't even babbling at 12m, and had only started at around 18m. He is 21 months now and is in speech therapy once a week, he doesn't talk yet and started started being able to communicate with signs. He isn't physical either, walking was late, and it requires effort, working on that with PT. When the neighbor kid who is 6 months younger then he is is running circles around him all while carrying with sentences, I do get a little wistful but I know it can all change. What they are like right now is different from next month or next year or 5 years from now. Some need a little more time or assistance to do things and that is ok, but it can be difficult to remember sometimes.