Do You Ever Feel Like Your Toddler Is Inferior To Other Kids? - Page 2

[sunnygir1]

I think if you are concerned about your child, you should look into that.  I think your plan to check in with your doctor about it is a good one.  Maybe s/he can put your mind at ease.  If that doesn't work, though, I think you need to work on yourself (not your kid).  Just be with him, love him, and enjoy him for who he is.  I know that is hard to do sometimes with pre-verbal children -- I am having a heck of a time with my 16 month old right now.

Maybe you could use some kind of affirmation that you repeat throughout the day -- I'm not great at this, and someone else can probably come up with something more inspired, but even saying, "I love my ds just the way he is," or "Ds is perfect and he is growing and developing just as he should."  Anything positive along those lines, and say it to yourself multiple times every day.  You can write it on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you'll see it throughout the day.  It's kind of corny, but it really works.  My dd was born prematurely, and I could barely sleep for 6 weeks because I was so afraid that she would stop breathing.  I started saying, "Thank you for keeping dd healthy and safe, please continue to keep her healthy and safe."  I would repeat that line and try to relax and acknowledge that me not sleeping wasn't going to keep her safer.  It really helped me, and I still use it (she's almost 4) when I start to get irrational fears.

I know how you feel about other children and parents, though.  One of the families we are close with, the mama was a school teacher before she had her daughter and now she stays home creating incredibly elaborate games, activities, and home made toys with and for her 4yo daughter.  My dd was/is fairly advanced both verbally and physically, but her dd was months ahead of mine in terms of expressive language.  I have felt many times that her daughter was "smarter" than mine and that she is a better mama than I am.  I KNOW that that is ridiculous, but the thoughts still come into my mind.  I try to just acknowledge the thought and let it go.  I don't want it to affect how I treat my lo.  When I think about it logically, I don't really think it is a detriment to my children that I don't entertain them with elaborate activities, etc.  I mean, it's great that my friend does, and I think it is good for her child, but I also think my parenting style is good for my children.  I hope that makes sense.

In terms of playing with other children, I try to help and advocate for my pre-verbal ds.  Maybe this is "helicopter parenting", but when we are at the library, for example, and he is playing around other children I will watch him, and if another child tries to take what he is holding I will intervene.  If it is an older child (which it always is), I will say something like, "oops, he's playing with that right now, can I help you find another toy?" or "It's his turn right now, but you can have a turn in a minute."  Maybe I should just let them work it out, but I'm not sure that's fair either.  Anyway, it helps prevent frustration and meltdowns for him, and I do follow through and have him give the other child a turn -- or wait until he gets bored with the thing and then ask the other child if they still want a turn.  I also don't let him take toys out of other children's hands.  This is how I "work" with him for sharing.  It becomes more effective when they can talk.  )

Hang in there, mama.  You are a good mama for caring about this and working on it.

[AnnaNova]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1 

I think if you are concerned about your child, you should look into that.  I think your plan to check in with your doctor about it is a good one.  Maybe s/he can put your mind at ease.  If that doesn't work, though, I think you need to work on yourself (not your kid).  Just be with him, love him, and enjoy him for who he is.  I know that is hard to do sometimes with pre-verbal children -- I am having a heck of a time with my 16 month old right now.

Maybe you could use some kind of affirmation that you repeat throughout the day -- I'm not great at this, and someone else can probably come up with something more inspired, but even saying, "I love my ds just the way he is," or "Ds is perfect and he is growing and developing just as he should."  Anything positive along those lines, and say it to yourself multiple times every day.  You can write it on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you'll see it throughout the day.  It's kind of corny, but it really works.  My dd was born prematurely, and I could barely sleep for 6 weeks because I was so afraid that she would stop breathing.  I started saying, "Thank you for keeping dd healthy and safe, please continue to keep her healthy and safe."  I would repeat that line and try to relax and acknowledge that me not sleeping wasn't going to keep her safer.  It really helped me, and I still use it (she's almost 4) when I start to get irrational fears.

I know how you feel about other children and parents, though.  One of the families we are close with, the mama was a school teacher before she had her daughter and now she stays home creating incredibly elaborate games, activities, and home made toys with and for her 4yo daughter.  My dd was/is fairly advanced both verbally and physically, but her dd was months ahead of mine in terms of expressive language.  I have felt many times that her daughter was "smarter" than mine and that she is a better mama than I am.  I KNOW that that is ridiculous, but the thoughts still come into my mind.  I try to just acknowledge the thought and let it go.  I don't want it to affect how I treat my lo.  When I think about it logically, I don't really think it is a detriment to my children that I don't entertain them with elaborate activities, etc.  I mean, it's great that my friend does, and I think it is good for her child, but I also think my parenting style is good for my children.  I hope that makes sense.

In terms of playing with other children, I try to help and advocate for my pre-verbal ds.  Maybe this is "helicopter parenting", but when we are at the library, for example, and he is playing around other children I will watch him, and if another child tries to take what he is holding I will intervene.  If it is an older child (which it always is), I will say something like, "oops, he's playing with that right now, can I help you find another toy?" or "It's his turn right now, but you can have a turn in a minute."  Maybe I should just let them work it out, but I'm not sure that's fair either.  Anyway, it helps prevent frustration and meltdowns for him, and I do follow through and have him give the other child a turn -- or wait until he gets bored with the thing and then ask the other child if they still want a turn.  I also don't let him take toys out of other children's hands.  This is how I "work" with him for sharing.  It becomes more effective when they can talk.  )

Hang in there, mama.  You are a good mama for caring about this and working on it.

oh i have one of those friends too. although i love her and her kid dearly, i always have bouts of self-doubt after our play-dates. when she tells me about all the "projects" they do, it just blows my non-creative mind.

thanks to everyone for your responses. i checked put that website with children development 0-3 and my son is doing everything but the talking part. i think ill give it a few more months and if there is no progress, we'll do an eval. he did start saying a few new words here and there "ball", "juice", "bus", "up there" (well he actually drops endings, but im hopeful)

[slr7122]

I know exactly how you feel.  I have a daughter who is 3 years old and she does that too where she only will say the first syllable of most of her words.  However, we know she understands what we are saying and she may not speak a lot of words but she can already spell them and will spell them to you instead.  She has never gone to preschool or a day care, her grandparents are her babysitters.  I quit my job a year and a half ago to go back to school full-time so she even gets to spend my breaks hanging out with me.  Her pediatrician said she was headstrong and he's not worried, so I always said nether am I.  However, my husband when another father at his work mentions his son or daughter of the same age is doing something, like already potty-trained or talking fluently, he wants to know why our daughter isn't.  He then gets online and tries to find ways to make her do those things.  Then he starts to think there is something wrong with our daughter.  I tell him all kids are different and develop differently.  But he doesn't seem to believe me.  So if anyone has an article that talks about comparing your child to other children or that every child develops differently he would read it and maybe believe me.  I can also relate to seeing all the other kids pyaing attention and following directions and my child not and she's older than some of the other kids and thinking I must be doing something wrong. 

[mckittre]

Perhaps it would help to think of your own adult friends.  Do you appreciate them for their impressive verbal skills?  Or athleticism?  Do the "smartest" ones have the best life?  In adult life, we tend to appreciate folks for what they do and how they act, rather than their basic abilities, and even though some are "smarter" than others, it doesn't really seem to matter all that much.  Not that you know at 2 whether your son is going to be smarter or less smart than any other kid.  Just that if you did know, it still wouldn't matter.  :)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AnnaNova 

like i said, he is almost 2, he doesnt really talk though, i mean almost nothing at all. people kept telling me that one day he'll just "start talking" but recently he started saying some words and he is missing the endings of them almost always. like he'll say pla for a plane or bro for broken. i noticed he has trouble differentiating some sounds like "b" and "v".

he understands almost everything i say, most things in 2 languages, but squeezing a word out of him is very hard.

I would take him in and have his hearing tested. Kids can have minor problems that keep them from hearing well enough to learn to speak. One of my DDs had chronic fluid in her ears with NO symptoms other than delayed speech. She seemed to understand what we were saying. Fixing the problem was the key to her learning to speak, and the longer we had waited the more difficult enunciation would have become.

Because of our experience, I recommend hearing checks for kids with delays. But if it comes back normal, then relax and give him more time.

Although *most* kids do learn speak on their own, not all do. Some need speech therapy, and that's OK. It's really not that big of a deal. My DD had speech therapy after having her ears fixed. But if after having your little one checked out everything seems fine, I would give it another year.

[wishin'&hopin']

Originally Posted by mckittre 

Perhaps it would help to think of your own adult friends.  Do you appreciate them for their impressive verbal skills?  Or athleticism?  Do the "smartest" ones have the best life?  In adult life, we tend to appreciate folks for what they do and how they act, rather than their basic abilities, and even though some are "smarter" than others, it doesn't really seem to matter all that much.  Not that you know at 2 whether your son is going to be smarter or less smart than any other kid.  Just that if you did know, it still wouldn't matter.  :)

Thank you for that.  My DS isn't much for talking and I do worry.  So, thank you--this helps a great deal.