DD is now 9 months old and is a very high needs child. She is an incredible joy, but also very challenging in about every way. DH and I have had a rocky couple of years, but these last 9 months have been a lot harder than either of us expected. I sometimes wonder whether I have PPD, but I am mostly ok and I am fearful of the diagnosis and the subsequent push to treat it with pharmaceuticals.
I work outside of our home full time and I don't have any issues with attendance or motivation when it comes to my job. I DO have motivation problems at home - but mostly because it's so hard to get anything done with a 9 month old. DH is working some evenings and is home with DD during the week, so we are both frequently alone with her. We get behind in housework (like folding laundry) and it just piles up. The house is always mostly picked up, but it hasn't had a really good scrubbing in at least a few months - not gross with food or dirty dishes/dirty laundry, just stuff that I used to do, like baseboards and stuff.
When DD was first born, I had horrid intrusive thoughts all the time about what could happen - what if I drop her? what if I trip and fall when I am carrying her? what if we get into a car accident? Just crazy awful thoughts. I read about it, and it is a symptom of PPD. I spoke to a few other moms about it and then it started to fade. I don't have those thoughts very often now, but they do pop up from time to time. I also do something weird. I read about parents who lost their children frequently. I sometimes seek it out, other times if I happen to link onto it accidentally I will read it. I sob as I read these heartbreaking tragic stories. It's the only time I cry.
I also have been getting really frustrated with DH, DD, and the dogs. I lash out verbally at DH and the dogs (not at the baby) - never physically in any way. I then feel terrible guilt for being frustrated with DD - she's a BABY for crying out loud. I'm the grown up, what is wrong with me? DH and I fight frequently and I often feel like he is not supportive of me even though he really is trying his best.
One more thing, I love my daughter, I really do. I wonder whether I am bonded enough to her though. I breastfeed and co-sleep and babywear. She is NEVER separated from us at any time except for naps in our bed. I just wonder if I should feel something more than I do. That sounds awful, but it's true. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that I feel so drained.
I am still breastfeeding and plan to for many months to come and I am not willing to consider taking any drug of any kind until she weans. Is this PPD? Anyone have any insight? I need a therapist for other reasons, but I just wonder if this sort of thing is familiar to those of you in this forum. Thanks in advance.