Don't think it's PPD, but not sure

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

DD is now 9 months old and is a very high needs child.  She is an incredible joy, but also very challenging in about every way.  DH and I have had a rocky couple of years, but these last 9 months have been a lot harder than either of us expected.  I sometimes wonder whether I have PPD, but I am mostly ok and I am fearful of the diagnosis and the subsequent push to treat it with pharmaceuticals. 

I work outside of our home full time and I don't have any issues with attendance or motivation when it comes to my job.  I DO have motivation problems at home - but mostly because it's so hard to get anything done with a 9 month old.  DH is working some evenings and is home with DD during the week, so we are both frequently alone with her. We get behind in housework (like folding laundry) and it just piles up.  The house is always mostly picked up, but it hasn't had a really good scrubbing in at least a few months - not gross with food or dirty dishes/dirty laundry, just stuff that I used to do, like baseboards and stuff. 

When DD was first born, I had horrid intrusive thoughts all the time about what could happen - what if I drop her? what if I trip and fall when I am carrying her? what if we get into a car accident?  Just crazy awful thoughts. I read about it, and it is a symptom of PPD. I spoke to a few other moms about it and then it started to fade.  I don't have those thoughts very often now, but they do pop up from time to time.  I also do something weird.  I read about parents who lost their children frequently.  I sometimes seek it out, other times if I happen to link onto it accidentally I will read it.  I sob as I read these heartbreaking tragic stories. It's the only time I cry. 

I also have been getting really frustrated with DH, DD, and the dogs.  I lash out verbally at DH and the dogs (not at the baby) - never physically in any way. I then feel terrible guilt for being frustrated with DD - she's a BABY for crying out loud.  I'm the grown up, what is wrong with me? DH and I fight frequently and I often feel like he is not supportive of me even though he really is trying his best.

One more thing, I love my daughter, I really do.  I wonder whether I am bonded enough to her though. I breastfeed and co-sleep and babywear. She is NEVER separated from us at any time except for naps in our bed. I just wonder if I should feel something more than I do.  That sounds awful, but it's true.  It's not that I don't love her, it's just that I feel so drained. 

I am still breastfeeding and plan to for many months to come and I am not willing to consider taking any drug of any kind until she weans.  Is this PPD? Anyone have any insight? I need a therapist for other reasons, but I just wonder if this sort of thing is familiar to those of you in this forum. Thanks in advance. 

[treeoflife3]

you sound similar to how I was when my kiddo was 9 months.  Now at 22 months I'm POSITIVE I had/have PPD.  I was actually at high risk for it and started seeing a therapist who specializes in PPD when kiddo was a couple weeks old and saw her for about a month and a half.  We decided I was just fine and so when I stopped seeing her due to moving a couple states away, I didn't seek further counseling.  I think I was suffering then too though and just so confused that I didn't accurately portray my own feelings even to myself which kind of makes it hard for the therapist, no?

I can't say whether you have PPD or not but I think you have some key signs that shows there IS a problem to some degree.  Since you need to see a therapist for other issues, I think it would be smart to include PPD into the sessions first to determine whether you have it or not and second to determine how best to deal with it.  Drugs aren't the only option and just talking to a therapist on a frequent basis can do quite a lot anyway.

as an aside, we were [thisclose] to divorcing.  I hear marital problems aren't uncommon during the first year with the first child.

[JTA Mom]

Yep, PPD. Depression does not mean sad and weepy. It can also express itself as aggressiveness and irritability.

I know I keep linking to this book, but it's a good resource:
Postpartum Depression for Dummies: http://amzn.com/0470073357

Her videos on PPD:

http://www.5min.com/Video/Dr-Shoshana-Bennett-Shares-Her-PPD-Story-236991128

You don't need medication if you don't want it. However, counseling is a big, big need to get better. The sooner you tackle PPD the faster it will resolve. And it will resolve.

Ami

[mommaklo]

I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I dont know if it is ppd, but it sounds similar to me, and I have been "diagnosed" with pp anxiety. I also have read of child loss, and to be honest I think about it, too. I LOVE my son. More than anything, but sometimes I find myself thinking "if I had my freedom back, would do this, this, and this..." and realize what Im thinking and feel incredibly guilty for it. Something I have concluded recently is at the age of 18-20 or so, I was surrounded by alot of friends/co workers that had young kids. I babysat, watched the birth of a child, and took care of friends kids on my days off of work. flash forward 10 years or so and I have been away from kids for years when I got pregnant. I believe I would have been better equipped to handle a kid back then, even as a single parent, than I am now, with a husband. This probably doesnt make sense, but I feel like I lost my window for tolerating infancy and I am just WAITING for my child to grow out of this stage, as he is 11 months.

I have a difficult time doing everything even drives and walks in the stroller as he is just so fussy/high needs. I breastfeed too, and am so anti drugs. I now see a therapist for pp anxiety, ppd, etc and something she told me was that neurotransmitters, chemicals, and hormones in our body transfer to our breast milk, so babies of depressed moms can be impacted as SOMETHING is transferring to the milk. There are safe drugs that would transfer in small amounts too, but what would you rather your baby be exposed to? She did not tell me this to push drugs on me, just a thought, and hasnt mentioned it since, but it stuck with me. Depression runs in my family, and though I havent really dealt with it before, I definitely dont want to set me kid up for it, or pass anything on to him to encourage it. I am still drug free, but it has made me think many times.

Also, I KNOW that IU didnt bond to ds right away. It took months. When he was born I looked at him and thought "he looks like an alien." I didnt have that flood of love or thoughts of perfection of this being or anything. I loved him, but not in a way that I read about. I have finally gotten to a point where breastfeeding is more magical than a duty most days, and that I love to feel his breath. I did not feel this way for months. His temperment may have impacted this, as he cried non stop for months and months. I spent the large part of his first 6 months holding him and rocking and nursing. I learned at 6 months is was multiple foods I was eating and he has slowly mellowed. A bit.