Financial Idiocy 101 - Page 2

[SleeplessMommy]

You have been on a huge roller coaster with him. :-( It sounds like you are making some progress, though.

If your husband has ANY money in his IRA, have him transfer it to yours to make up for the losses he created without your permission - If you can talk him into this. Make sure he has no further access to your IRA and other accounts - change the passwords, etc. Put a priority on rebuilding YOUR savings - not the joint account. Have you gotten a recent credit report to make sure there are no other surprises? You may want to take the extra step of contacting your family members and making sure that they understand never to loan or give money to your husband, for any reason... since he certainly has a habit of borrowing from family.

You are clearly very resilient to have gone through so much financially and still have your help held up high. Clearly his future career is in sales - he is able to convince people of things.

For counseling, I think you need to ask around. Maybe start with having him evaluated by someone who works with gambling addicts? That person could provide treatment or refer you to someone who could.

[honeybunmom]

Originally Posted by wookumus 

Lots of really great advice from all of you, thank you so much.  It makes me feel very fortunate that complete strangers are willing to offer their insights.  In the past few days, we started moving towards some positive changes.  Neither of us want divorce, primarily because we both still care a lot about each other but also because the hassle doesn't seem worth it...clearly we are not at that point and hopefully never will be.  That being said, I am taking care of financial responsibilities that I neglected to "oversee" because I really shouldn't have had to but he has agreed to stop "playing" with our money.  That being said, I made a huge mistake when I agreed to let him day-trade and manage our IRA's but do still feel deceived about what he ended up doing without my consent or knowledge.  I don't blame myself for his bad choices but I have a record of buying into his plans and it has to stop and is stopping.  We are moving our remaining funds into a savings account, the IRA's are currently in cash-only status and he is looking for jobs and has submitted his resume for several positions.  We are very fortunate that I make pretty good money working part-time but I just flat-out refuse to be away from DS any more until possibly when he is in school.  Even if DH finds something basic, it will help cover some important monthly cost for our household.

I also strongly agree that we need counseling.  We're past the point of finger-pointing, blame, etc. but we clearly have a destructive relationship when it comes to finances and it is now negatively impacting our physical and emotional relationship.  And even though we are making changes, I will have to find a way to forgive him and not hold this particular mistake over his head for the rest of our lives.  The trust issue, as noted above, is huge and difficult to manage... 

On that note, despite being a health professional, I do not have a high level of trust in a much of our health-care system and I am worried about finding a "quack" who just wastes our time and money.  For anyone who has gone the counseling route, how did you find someone good??

thank you again!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds promising!  I used my employer's EPA program.  They gave me several referrals and I checked out the information available on them.  The one we went with specializes in all of our issues.  Plus, he works with a respected institution affilated with a respected university.  So, that really helped way lay my concerns.  We had seen someone else previously on the recommendation of some friends who have worked with this other guy for years.  He did absolutely nothing for us.  Not a good fit.  So, it may take more than one try.  It's worth it to keep at it, though.

[AerialistEm]

I think a counselor who specializes in gambling addictions as well as marital/couples counseling would be most helpful.  Day trading counts as gambling!  If you can get him to attend some Gamblers Anonymous meetings that would be even better though.  GA is a really helpful group for people who have the sort of problems your husband has. 

I think you need to look out for yourself financially (protect your assets and your status as a primary caregiver to your child) just in case, while your husband gets help for his problem.  I think it is right and appropriate for you not to trust him again financially.  Addicts cannot help themselves. 

You are clearly very strong and capable.  Hang in there!

[wookumus]

Thank you all, again.  I wish this mess would just go away and resolve itself overnight but I realize it's going to take some work to move forward and make changes.  Such is life!

[youngspiritmom]

Hi wookumusGood vibes and heartfelt sympathy to you.

One thing that I noticed in your original post was the last paragraph -- it really explained how you feel and how you want a peaceful, happy life, but feel that this particular habit of your DH is almost "ruining" all his other good ones -- like you can't enjoy your life knowing this is going on. When I read that last paragraph, I wondered "Has she told this DH?" I think you HAVE TO sit down and tell him what you are thinking. You need to tell him how wrong it was to take from your IRA, to tell him how you think his approach to finances is making you question the marriage/safe upbringing of your child, and just tell him what you said in that paragraph.

That is the first thing. My next advice is.....

The next thing, after telling him, is to see how much he cares. Did he really hear you? Will he be willing to change? If so, he (or you and him) need to literally write down on a sheet of paper SPECIFIC goals as to how (for example, get a job, start paying you back for the IRA, have x amount in savings account before opening a new business, agree to go to financial education classes (does your county housing/human services have these free? ours does) etc.). If not, you need to be considering what your future will look like if this (addictive) and detrimental behavior continues.

Then I think you need to talk to him about having a STEADY reliable income that he needs to help contribute to bills and rent. Again -- you need to give him a specific number that you expect him to contribute. He can do whatever he wants with his SPARE money and time (day trading, business) etc., but this is only after contributing to the family. This means a day job with a paycheck, IMO.

All of your money needs to be inaccessible to him. You need to have some of your own savings. You need your own private IRA. You also need to NOT sell yourself short financially just because he is not contributing. Make it clear that you need/expect him to contribute.

You posted about this, which shows you are a smart, caring, intelligent, strong mama. Take steps in the right direction for the sake of you, your daughter, and your family.