Help me figure out what's wrong with me and my body.

[rumi79]

I have 2 csections with my boys which went in a pretty similar way.

First one - 2007 failed hospital "natural" birth. My son was 1 week post EDD, born 8pds 12 oz, 21 1/4 in after 24 hrs labor. I went in labor on my own, nice strong contractions, but I went to the hospital too early and they didn't like the way I was progressing. So after 10 hrs they put me on Pit and broke my water. I couldn't handle the pain after that so I asked for epidural. The epidural didn't work well for me but gave me a fever as an extra so after another 10 hrs the Dr. decided to go ahead with the c-section due to maternal fever and FTP. I stopped at 6 cm and didn't progress for hours. My son was high and never dropped.

Birth#2 - 2011, failed HBAC, failed hospital VBAC and repeated c-section. I went in labor on my own, a week after my EDD. Just to mention that it happen the exact same day as DS1 bday. My water broke at 8 pm. I started having contractions 2 hrs later, slept for few hrs and got up to get things moving. My MW arrived around 6 am in the morning, I was already in a lot of pain. It wasn't pressure, or waves, it was pure pain that was trying to rip me apart. Contractions were 1-1,5 min long and 3-5mins apart. Around 10 am I couldn't stand it anymore and asked for an internal exam to see how far I am. Just 4 cm but stretchy 6-7 cm. Only 80% effaced and baby getting lower in the pelvis. I tried everything possible - affirmations, pool, shower, hands and knees, leaning forward, toilet, stairs, rebozo, inversion..... At 5pm I was 6 cm and still 80% effaced. MW said DS2 is malpositioned and that's why I dilate so slow. I also had a thick cervical lip on the front. She massaged it with EPO and helped the dilatation to 9.5cm. I had to push with the contractions to get the baby lower so his head can go past the lip. Boy, that hurt like crazy. I never felt pushy. Around 6pm I started running a fever so MW asked me to transfer to the hospital for antibiotics. We ended up there around 7- 7.30 pm and I was hooked up for IV, monitor, blood pressure machine. After another 3 hrs I was back to 8 cm and still 80% effaced. They said the risk of rupture is getting bigger with the increased time of labor + the baby is too big and malpositioned. So we went for another csection. DS2 is 9pds 4 oz and 21 1/4 in.

Nobody can give me an answer why. The OBGYN says my pelvis is too small. I don't think so. I am 5'4'', normal size.

MW thinks my pelvis is OK but the baby was malpositioned. I did chiropractic care and Spinning babies through the pregnancy with DS2, I don't know what else I could've done. And the position doesn't completely explains why I get such a slow dilation overall.

We want more kids but I wouldn't go for a third csection. My homebirth was a complete fiasco though, so my husband who was against it at the first place, won't even discuss it. On top of that we paid $5000 out of pocket, money which were earned with hard work and could've been spent on things for the family. I am not even sure that I will be able to find a provider who will attend a VBA2C in my case. It seems I grow strong and healthy babies but I cannot bring them to this world on my own.

[neveraim]

I felt exactly the same way you did.  I am so sorry.  think about this...a 5 lb baby malpositioned will not come out but a 10 lb baby positioned just right will come fine.

Sometimes you can do everything "right" and still end up with a c/section.  You should read my birth story.  I couldn't figure out what my deal was either..until after my 3rd c/section.  My sacrum is fused to my last vertebrae, meaning it does not move for childbirth.  Baby had to be just right for birth and because her cord was around her neck twice and she had a tight body cord...her heart rate kept dipping, I needed forceps to move her under my pubic bone.  Anyway, I finally had my VBA3C but it took so much work to get there.

My second baby was posterior and I honestly don't believe that she would have come out that way...not in my body.  It took 5 days to get to 9 cm and my cervix swelled....went backwards like yours.  I didn't know what to do but have another c/section.  You can't blame yourself for that, you have done the best you could do.  Keep positive and hold your head up high...there is still hope for you!

[rumi79]

Neveraim, thank you so much! You give me hope. Unfortunatelly, my husband is not very supportive but I have time to figure it out. Hopefully, he will change as well.

I just wanted to say that I admire you. You are such an amazing woman - strong and determined! Your kids are lucky to have you for their mother.

I really doubt it for myself if I will be able to endure three days with strong contractions when I was screaming for help after only 20 hrs. May be I am not made for a natural birth, I don't know. May be it's not my body, but my mind that is playing tricks on me.

[jenniro]

I think positive mind set is critical for giving birth, but even then sometimes it just doesn't work out.  I am sorry that you worked so hard and still had a c-section.  I had a c-section after a "failed" TOL myself.  It can be infuriating, like, what is wrong with me?  Women do this every day, damn it!  We are planning to TTC this summer.  My hubby is not really supportive of anything but a section.  He just feels like I may be one of those women that have to have c-sections.  He may be right, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.  It will be hard without his support, but I am determined to have a VBA2C.  Every labor and pregnancy is different.  I can do everything within my power to achieve a natural birth and let go of what I cannot control.  It sucks that it took two major abdominal surgies to get to this mental place, but I feel good.  And even if I have another section, I will know I did everything I could to have babies naturally.

I looks like you just had your baby.  I had mine 7 months ago.  I remember the feelings of utter failure and being really pissed off, but it did get better.  Hang in there   

[neveraim]

Thank you.     You need support.  It's not an option.  Especially if your husband isn't 100%, you need a fantastic doula.  My first labor *second baby* was my hardest...for sure.  Getting to 9 cm was so.much.work.    my next labor was hard but mostly because I didn't have any support...I mean, my husband was but didn't know how to physically support me.  When it came to my last birth, I had all but given up that I could even give birth.  I chose an awesome team and if it hadn't been for them, I could not have done it.

I struggled for YEARS with that whole...maybe I have some emotional issue that is keeping me from progressing...I tried and tried to figure out what might be holding me back....and then I found out that I actually do have a physical abnormality.  It made me feel better in the sense that I had validation but it also made me think that maybe I couldn't have a vaginal birth.

I've started a blog for women trying to VBAC and primarily women trying to VBAMC.  it's www.victorybirth.blogspot.com.  It's new, but I'm hoping to update weekly. Attempting VBAMC is different.  it's an emotional rollercoaster over and over and you can't imagine the desperation unless you've been through it.  It helped me so much to talk to women who had BTDT.

Sometimes you really can do all the right things and it still doesn't work out.  It's devastating.  I can say that I am glad I tried, everytime I tried, and wouldn't have it any other way...but you still mourn deeply the loss of your birth.

It's at least comforting to know that there are others like you who feel the same way you do.  ~hugs mama.

Originally Posted by rumi79 

Neveraim, thank you so much! You give me hope. Unfortunatelly, my husband is not very supportive but I have time to figure it out. Hopefully, he will change as well.

I just wanted to say that I admire you. You are such an amazing woman - strong and determined! Your kids are lucky to have you for their mother.

I really doubt it for myself if I will be able to endure three days with strong contractions when I was screaming for help after only 20 hrs. May be I am not made for a natural birth, I don't know. May be it's not my body, but my mind that is playing tricks on me.

[Ammaarah]

In my first pregnancy, I had no idea about the importance of fetal positioning.  I was induced for BP problems, ended up stuck in bed due to fetal monitoring issues, my water broke and I got an epidural.  Never progressed past 6 cm and I ended up with a c-section for a malpositioned baby.  She was asynclitic and born with her head coned to the side.  I can still feel the bump on her head 5 years later! 

I just had a baby boy a few weeks ago.  I planned my VBAC carefully, after losing a lot of weight and trying to get myself in better shape.  I didn't want to look at it as a "do-over" or anything, but I was mindful of how I sat, spent hours hanging out on a yoga ball, hung out in hands/knees position a lot, didn't put my feet up and lean back a lot, sat on the floor for meals.  Basically, I did tons of OFP stuff and followed Bradley advice to get baby in the right positioned.  When I went into labor (spontaneously this time) I had great support from my doula, husband and the midwives at the hospital.  My water broke and there was meconium, which made things a little complicated, but all was well.  However, even after 20some hours, I just wasn't dilating, and I knew something was up and I opted for a repeat cesarean rather than push Pitocin all night. 

My son was born with his head coned off to the side exactly as his big sister was.  The midwise and I talked about it and we think I might have a pelvic anomaly or that it could be due to my mild scoliosis, or even a uterus that might not be symmetrical.  Both babies were decent size - my daughter was 8 lb 6 oz and my son was 7 lb 9.5 oz.  According to the same midwife, who I allowed to do some informal pelvimitry at the beginning of pregnancy, my pelvis is plenty big to birth babies over 8 pounds, maybe quite a bit bigger, but I still have two c-sections under my belt.  I feel at peace about it, though.  My body didn't betray me or anything.  It managed to grow two lovely children and my biggest regret is simply the added scar tissue.  I think the fact that I had a wonderful doula this time around who spent many hours allowing me to talk out my fears and helping build my confidence made ALL the difference in the world.  Also, having five years between the births really gave me time to work through a lot of it.  I had a horrible recovery after my first birth, physically and mentally.  I'm really blessed it wasn't so painful this time.

I would have liked to have natural births, especially if I'd been as lucky as my friends who say they felt back to normal in just a week!  But I just don't think it is in the cards for me.  I'm still unsure about having a third child, but if I do, I will most likely opt for another c-section.  If it goes as well as my recent one, I'll be happy with that. 

You said

 And the position doesn't completely explains why I get such a slow dilation overall. 

 Based on what I've been through, position can explain really slow dilation or complete lack thereof.  In my first labor, it took at least twelve hours of good contractions to get to 6 cm, and I never dilated at all after that.  It was about 12 hours between my water breaking, when my daughter "corked" funny, and my c-section, and I didn't dilate a bit.  With my son, I had some cervical changes before my water broke, but pretty much nothing after it broke.  Once my water broke, my babies got stuck in not-ideal positions and that definitely made my labors more uncomfortable and less productive.

I hope that if you choose to have another child, you have a nice, peaceful birth and you feel good about how it goes.  Hang in there.  It's hard to go through two labors that refuse to follow the script despite our best efforts. 

[neveraim]

Originally Posted by Ammaarah 

I would have liked to have natural births, especially if I'd been as lucky as my friends who say they felt back to normal in just a week!  But I just don't think it is in the cards for me.  I'm still unsure about having a third child, but if I do, I will most likely opt for another c-section.  If it goes as well as my recent one, I'll be happy with that. 

   I'm sorry.  I hate that for you.  I know I felt that way too after I found out about my sacrum.  I remember being in labor and crying...wondering why the heck I was doing this again.   I chose a fantastic OB who wouldn't have given me a scheduled c/s even if I'd wanted it.  He would have just sent me to another OB.  If I hadn't had the option of using him, I don't know what I would have done....I know that I would have ended up with a 4th c/s because of my baby's FHTs. 

Also, If you read my birth story, I don't really get into how difficult my VBA3C recovery was.  It was by far harder than any of my c-sections.  I was so light-headed for about 18 hours I couldn't stand and could barely sit.  They had to cath me to pee.  I also developed a nasty hematoma in my vulva that had to be surgically removed....that was as bad as a c/s....my doc tried to drain it first with a syringe and it was beyond HORRIBLE.  I wish I had taken way more pain pills before I did that....after aspiration didn't work, I went in the next morning to have surgery.  My sacrum felt like it had been shattered.  My rectum felt like it had been blown up...(maybe that's normal, I don't know)...but believe me...it's easier to poop after a c/s than a vaginal birth (sorry if that's TMI).  Funny, because the episiotomy didn't hurt at all...not when he cut it and not healing.  I literally laid in bed for 5 weeks.  The hematoma was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.   Anyway, I'm really not trying to scare anyone because I am a big believer in natural birth, but I have to be true to myself and be honest about my experience.  It was not at all what I thought it was going to be.  That being said, It truly was the greatest accomplishment of my life so far.  I am so proud of what I did...but do not judge others who choose not to go that route.  It was unbelievably hard and unbelievably painful.  I just hate when people treat you like achieving a vaginal birth should be soooo easy...like all you have to do is stay natural and it will just happen *Poof*.    Doesn't work for some of us.  I just consider it my mission to educate women on the choices they have and help them get their best chance if they want it to happen.

[rumi79]

Thank you for sharing your stories ladies! I am sorry you had to go through the same maddening experience. I am getting better day by day, it is true that I am still too raw, but things are getting together in my mind gradually. I got my Operative report yesterday and it doesn't say CPD as a reason. Just previous c-section and FTP. So even the OBGYN who was so adamant about baby being too big for me to be birthed vaginally didn't say it oficially that's the reason for getting stuck again. His position was LOA but his head was tilted because it was coned to the side. Oh and also it is written in the report that he had a loose nuchal cord, but I don't think that has anything to do with the FTP.

On the positive note he stitched me double layers. And all I see is VBA2C. I won't give up that easily. The third time is a charm, right? First time I got to 6 cm, second - to 8 cm, so next time I should hit the magical 10 cm. I never went through the pushing phase, so may be next time.

My DH started realizing how low I felt about the whole experience because he said that next time we won't go to the hospital before 36 hrs mark since the 24 hrs is the magical number when I get stuck and get my c-sections. He also mentioned that it might be even HBAC again. I don't know if he just said it to give me some hope and cheer me up, but it is a good start. I have plenty of time to start with my preparation because I will wait at least 2 years before I start TTC.

Thanks everyone again! May be I will go for a pelvic xray just to rule out any abnormalities there. How do you think I can figure out my uterus shape and if everything is fine with it?

[jenniro]

Before I get pregnant this summer, I'm having an x-ray done of my pelvis by my chiro.  I was in a car accident in '93, fractured my pelvis in 3 places, so I want to see if there is any change in the shape of my pelvis.  (I feel silly that I am doing that now, after 2 babies.  I guess I just thought birth would happen naturally b/c I wanted to.  I wasn't being honest with myself about the very real possibility that I have CPD.)  But even if there is, I plan on trying for a VBA2C.  The pelvis and baby's head mold and change shape to fit each other.  I will be doing a homebirth b/c I think it may take my body a LONG time to get baby in a good position, and so far, the hospitals have been very impatient.  So, here's to not giving up and doing what is right, safe, and healthy for us and our babies!  I'll be thinking of you and hope everything works out for you (and me!)

PS You can have an ultrasound done to check for abnormal uterine shapes, but I would check your records first.  When you have a c-section, your uterus is pysically removed from your body, so if it is an unusual shape, it should be documented in the OR report.