Tips and experience with helping the very fearful child?

[starling&diesel]

My daughter is just about two, and has always been an anxious, reticent child.  We've always been very careful to not use suggestive words like "scary" or "afraid" as she discovers things that make her nervous and fearful.  She's very vocal and will tell us when she's afraid of something, and why.  I've been content to let her explore the world at her own pace, but I now notice that it's starting to interfere with her daily life.  She spends a lot of her day being afraid, and talking about being afraid. 

She's not afraid of everything ... she loves the dark, and dogs and bugs, chased lizards and toads in Costa Rica, loves diggers and planes.  But she is afraid of many things that most toddlers aren't afraid of, such as any toy that makes noise or moves on its own, any sound that happens without explanation, the entire local Science Centre, much of her beloved local Aquarium centre, children's performers, bodily rumbles, other toddlers, people on the bus, cracks in the sidewalk, many of her dreams, the drain in the bathtub, etc.

We were at the aquarium today ... which is a place that she loves dearly ... but much of it frightened her today.  Things that did not frighten her last week.  We don't make a big deal of her fears, just acknowledge them and move onto something different and let her know that we can go back to _____ whenever she feels ready.

Today both DP and I are wondering if we should get some help for her.  We're wondering if we're addressing her anxiety in a constructive way.  Does anyone here have any tips or suggestions?   

[physmom]

DD is the same way.  Her biggest fears are bugs and certain TV shows where character don't get their emotional needs met immediately (like someone is sad and the other characters don't notice it.  She definitely went through the phase of being scared of shaking toys too.  Oh, and baths, she HATES baths.   We talk her through a lot of them.  For instance, we first noticed the bug thing a little bit before she turned two at a friends house.  We were outside playing in the yard with her kids and I made the mistake of pointing out a daddy long legs to DD.  SHE FLIPPED OUT.  She wouldn't remove her hands from her mouth for almost an hour! I took her inside almost immediately but I really had to talk to her and tell her that the bug wouldn't go in her mouth and I was there to make sure that didn't happen.  With baths... well, she has really curly hair so we just do them and try and distract her during them (if she doesn't get regular baths her hair is a mess and it's extremely hot here without AC so it's really not an option).  I would definitely encourage  you do address them with her, ask why she is afraid and what you can do to help.  DD's better if we talk her through it than ignore it. 

[crunchy_mommy]

The best thing we found with almost-2yo DS so far (who is also very fearful) is pretending & practicing. One thing he was TERRIFIED of was the vacuum. So he would take other things (sticks etc.) and pretend they were vacuums, and make the 'vacuum noise' himself. After a while, he started playing with the actual vacuum (turned off) and again, making the noise himself. Finally, he started turning it on & off himself and now he will happily vacuum the whole room (or watch while DH or I vacuum!) and vacuuming is still one of his favorite pretend activities. When something is scary to him, we try to show him how it works... another thing I can think of is puppets. Once he was able to use the puppets himself -- turning their heads, opening their mouths, making animal noises for them -- they really lost their hold over him.

We are careful not to totally avoid the things he's afraid of -- one thing I have learned from having an anxiety disorder myself is, the longer you avoid something, the more you remain fearful of it, and the more 'power' is has over you. So while we don't rush him up to a guy in a big penguin costume, we will point it out from a distance, and suggest ways he might interact with the penguin -- "Want to wave to the penguin?" and believe it or not, recently that led him to ASK to go see the costumed guy & give him a hi-five!! So if you can find her comfort range & ask her to go just a little bit further (and I'm not talking about pushing her into a scary situation shaking or crying!) that might help her. So maybe she doesn't look at the starfish, but looks at the fish in the adjoining tank, or watches the starfish from across the room, or looks at the picture of the starfish above the tank, or says, "Bye starfish!" as she's backing away, or draws pictures/looks at books of starfish at home. Does that make sense?

At this age I don't think you'd need to 'get help for her' in the form of therapy (unless it truly is preventing her from doing most daily living tasks!) and I'm sure you are handling it well already. I think many toddlers are afraid of random things & most of them outgrow those fears but I also see it as an opportunity to teach my DS ways that he can deal with fear in general so that he'll have the ability to handle situations himself as he gets older.

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

The best thing we found with almost-2yo DS so far (who is also very fearful) is pretending & practicing. One thing he was TERRIFIED of was the vacuum. So he would take other things (sticks etc.) and pretend they were vacuums, and make the 'vacuum noise' himself. After a while, he started playing with the actual vacuum (turned off) and again, making the noise himself. Finally, he started turning it on & off himself and now he will happily vacuum the whole room (or watch while DH or I vacuum!) and vacuuming is still one of his favorite pretend activities. When something is scary to him, we try to show him how it works... another thing I can think of is puppets. Once he was able to use the puppets himself -- turning their heads, opening their mouths, making animal noises for them -- they really lost their hold over him.

We are careful not to totally avoid the things he's afraid of -- one thing I have learned from having an anxiety disorder myself is, the longer you avoid something, the more you remain fearful of it, and the more 'power' is has over you. So while we don't rush him up to a guy in a big penguin costume, we will point it out from a distance, and suggest ways he might interact with the penguin -- "Want to wave to the penguin?" and believe it or not, recently that led him to ASK to go see the costumed guy & give him a hi-five!! So if you can find her comfort range & ask her to go just a little bit further (and I'm not talking about pushing her into a scary situation shaking or crying!) that might help her. So maybe she doesn't look at the starfish, but looks at the fish in the adjoining tank, or watches the starfish from across the room, or looks at the picture of the starfish above the tank, or says, "Bye starfish!" as she's backing away, or draws pictures/looks at books of starfish at home. Does that make sense?

At this age I don't think you'd need to 'get help for her' in the form of therapy (unless it truly is preventing her from doing most daily living tasks!) and I'm sure you are handling it well already. I think many toddlers are afraid of random things & most of them outgrow those fears but I also see it as an opportunity to teach my DS ways that he can deal with fear in general so that he'll have the ability to handle situations himself as he gets older.

This is great advice.  I need to work on this, too.

The other day at the children's museum DD would not walk up these industrial steel stairs that were grated.  You could see through them, and I guess that freaked DD out.  She went up a few and then turned around and asked me if they were 'dangerous.'  I said that they weren't.  I showed her, but she could not do it.  She kept telling me that they seemed dangerous, and asking me what would happen if they fell down.  Now, it was crowded, and there was an employee at the bottom of the stairs watching us like she had two heads, so I just picked her up and ran up the stairs.  I guess that's not a learning experience, but oh well.

DD is a sensitive child.  She is afraid the lifeguard will yell at her, or the mean man she saw curse out an old lady will come to her house.  She covers her eyes at the sight of anything distressing on TV. (My parents always have the TV on in the background.  It is pretty benign stuff, but almost any movie trailer is too intense for her. oh, and Ponyo's dad really freaked her out.)  And, If anyone so much as changes the tone of their voice, she jumps in my lap with fingers in her mouth and wide eyes asking me "what's wrong?"   She is afraid the doctor will cut her open, or she will have to go to prison.  And, now she lives in constant fear that her cousin will take all her toys.

But, she is also really brave.  She never had a problem with going down the escalator all by herself.  She loved sitting on Santa.  Loves bugs.  And, she doesn't seem to be afraid of loud noises, although she does cover her ears, but we taught her that.  She has also overcome a lot of fears, the vacuum also being one.

My DN (24 months) seems to be really sensitive to sounds, too, like your DD.  One of her first words was 'noise.'  She can hear a garbage truck three streets over and will jump in your lap shaking.  It really freaks her out.  Now, I am sure she will grow out of that, or at least learn to cope. 

I used to not be able to be in the same room as a balloon.  Now, I can cope.
 

[starling&diesel]

physmom ... Thanks for responding!  I too find it helps more to address it rather than ignore it.  We don't go on and on about it, but we do acknowledge it. And then I try to redirect her to something else.  She had a particularly frightening dream last month where she was chased by crows that followed her into her bedroom and swooped around her head.  She went into great detail about it, several times a day for a couple of weeks.  Whenever she brought it up, I'd listen to her, acknowledge the feelings she voiced, and then reassure her about the difference between dreams and reality.  The tone of our conversations were very casual and no different than if we were discussing what we'd had for dinner.  Eventually she stopped telling everybody about it.   I truly believe if I'd ignored it it would have been way worse.

crunchy_mommy ... Very helpful.  This in particular:  "We are careful not to totally avoid the things he's afraid of -- one thing I have learned from having an anxiety disorder myself is, the longer you avoid something, the more you remain fearful of it, and the more 'power' is has over you."  I'm glad to hear you say that as someone speaking from personal experience.  I know that for my daughter, the anticipation of something is far scarier than the actuality.  The challenge iss how to bridge from one to the other.  Thank you for your post!

ellemenope:  Thanks for writing  about your daughter's experience.  It's true that our DD is also very alarmed by noises, much like your DN.  One of DD's first sentences was, "I heard a sound up there."  Referring to any noise from the apartment above us.  Your daughter's experience with the stairs sounds very much like my DD's experience at the Science Centre with stairs and a slide built into a recycling exhibit.  She was so excited to try it, but when she finally got the courage to go up the stairs with me, we discovered that we both wouldn't fit on it at the same time.  So I went down (she wouldn't ... meanwhile big line building behind us with kids pushing up the stairs wanting a turn) and then encouraged her to come down.  By then she was paralyzed with anxiety about the kids gathering behind her, talking loudly, telling her to go ... and she was so upset that I was at the bottom.  I had to dash around and wind my way up the stairs, out of sight of her while she screamed hysterically, gripping the slide so no one else could go down either. 

[Laurienna]

You've gotten great advice already. I thought I'd share what my fearful DS is like at 15 years old. Like your DD he was very verbal, sensitive and was afraid of quite a few things but most notably noises and other people including other children.

At 15 he is still sensitive to all of this, but, to put it shortly, he is also absolutely wonderful and very happy most of the time. He is very choosy about his friends but when he makes friends they are for life and he has no problem socializing with children that are respectful of him and others. He has no patience whatsoever for jerks though and funnily enough stands up to them very well. I'd never have thought so when he was a toddler.

He doesn't love new situations but surprised us this year in trying the excellent soccer junior varsity team of his high school and making it and fitting in just fine with the other players even if he still has the tendency to stay a little ways off sometimes.

I've had many many conversations with him through the years about his fears and need for solitude and lack of socialization and it took me until this year (!) to realize that he was indeed just fine, happy and that he was making his life the way he wanted it: very good true friends, sports that he love and respect for his need for solitude.

I'd also add that he is extremely gifted. His teachers have been astonished from an early age and we put him in a program for gifted children ( that I noticed, are often socially awkward ) where he did very very well. He likes to be around people who want to do things and learn and not just "get by".

He did have a period from 9yo to 13 yo where he would sometimes get depressed and would say things like " I want to disappear", " it would be better if I die". Especially during middle school. His school was small, we had particularly chosen that one for its smallness thinking he'd like it better. It was a big mistake. If you didn't like some people it was difficult to avoid them and there are plenty of jerks in middle school. His high school is huge though and he loves it and has made a lot of new friends there. I guess there is a much wider pool of people.

We never thought of getting him help since we seemed to do a good job by ourselves. And really I think his behavior is due to his giftedness. It's difficult to glide through life as if unaware of dangers when you have a very analytical mind. If on top of that you have a great imagination, well, I wonder what your DD actually sees when there is a crack in the sidewalk... I was like that too...I'm still like that but I can now reason with myself. I took me time though.

I'd just keep talking, and talking and talking about her fears and feelings :). Also we did not avoid activities because he was afraid but never pushed him either. If he was afraid of the animals at the zoo but still enjoyed part of it, we'd go and he'd stay in our arms the whole time talking about what he was seeing. He was not upset whatsoever to not be running around like the other kids. If he had, it would have been another story.

This is so incredibly lengthy...sorry! It's just that I have worried so much about this for so long. I hope it helps.

[starling&diesel]

Laurienna ... Thank you so much for chiming in with your son's story!  He's so blessed to have you as a mama. I appreciate hearing about a much older child who started out with similar traits.  It's funny that you ask what dd sees when she sees the scary crack in the sidewalk .. she sees a snake chasing her.   She's very specific about it.   It's true that she has a very vivid imagination (as do I) and often adds incredibly detailed complexities to what appear to be simple interactions, object or images.  She's a very thoughtful, creative, observant child ... and I would be delighted if she grew up to be like your son.  He sounds like a cool kid!  Well done, mama!

[Laurienna]

Thank you so much :). I read the February 09 babies thread from time to time without posting because I saw the thread so late it felt like intruding. But your family sounds wonderful as well and I'm sure your daughter will continue to thrive!