There are times (more often than I'd like to admit), that I just get really down. I was on antidepressants for 2 years and finally weaned myself off, mostly for the lack of health insurance I'm about to have I won't be able to afford them, but I digress. I have always had bouts of depression, and have been doing ok with it recently, but as of late, I have been more and more down.
I was married for 9 years and am actually going to court to finalize the divorce in a few weeks. I asked for the divorce, I wasn't happy and this is the right choice, but of course it is still hard. We have two young children together. We were together since highschool.
I didn't have a great childhood, my dad wasn't in my life whatsoever. I had an ass of a stepdad from the age of 5-14. My mom had a terrible childhood as in sexual abuse from the age of two. She tried what I think was her best, but when I became a teenager our relationship was irrevocably damaged. She accused me of all these terrible things and treated me like a bad, slutty person basically, which was unwarranted.
I hate that things that happen to you in your life mess you up so much, and you have to deal with it for the rest of your life. I try very very hard to work past and through these things, but they always pop up and mess things up. I am a christian and I pray and attend church. I mentor, I help others, I try to be a good person, do the right thing, but I cannot seem to move forward. Cannot put these things behind me. I don't know how to handle or manage the effect it has on me.
I essentially feel very alone. I have two brothers and they both are dependant on meds and alcohol to function. I don't have an addictive personality, but sometimes I need something to just make my hurt subside.
I try to surround myself with good, positive people, but when I have my down times, they don't know how to help me and I end up bringing them down with me. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has a healthy emotional state and a relatively good life and outlook, because he just doesn't get it. I relate more to people who are in the same boat obviously, but I want to know that I don't have to be in this boat forever.
I have my mom and my brothers, which I stated their situation earlier. I'm not close to my moms side of the family, but not for lack of trying. That's all I have.
Thanks for reading.