S/O "inappropriate kissing"... How much do you say to a 3 year old?

[swd12422]

Over the past few weeks, DS (3) has taken to sticking his tongue out when we go to kiss him. He thinks it's funny to stick his tongue in my mouth when I try to give him kisses. Okay, I tell him it's yucky and I want a REAL kiss.... Fine. Then a few days ago, he started grabbing my head and pushing his lips on mine and moving his head all over the place, a la a little kid's perception of a bad makeout scene in a movie. He is NOT modeling what he sees at home, b/c he never sees DH and I kiss that way. It's possible he saw something on TV, but I assume he's too young to really understand what that's all about. Or is he?

How much do I tell him at this point? Just that *I* don't like it that way, or do I need to get into why we never kiss ANYONE that way (til we're older...)? Of course, this is the "WHY?" stage, so anything I say will have to be explained, and it just seems like a slippery slope. At the same time, I don't want to completely brush it under the rug and miss an opportunity to tell him that NO ONE should be kissing him that way, either. Or is it just too soon for that?

[sunnygir1]

We mostly kiss on the cheek around here.  I don't like slobbery baby kisses on my mouth, so we started early with cheek-kisses, "Eskimo kisses" and butterfly kisses.  I guess I would tell my lo that I don't like that and that most people wouldn't want that kind of kiss (my dd is almost 4).

Dd doesn't really kiss other people.  I don't think I would say anything about how to kiss other people, or no one should kiss you that way.  Maybe I would talk about respecting eachother's bodies, and that we don't touch people in ways they don't want us to...that includes kissing and hugging.

If she asked about other people she's seen kissing a certain way, I might tell her that sometimes adults kiss each other that way, etc.

Your lo could have seen that kind of kissing in public -- I know I have )

[dalia]

When I was about your dc's age I remember my mom kissing me good night, on the cheek. I told her "do it like in the movies" and she gave me a peck on the mouth. Then I said, "no, like for a long time like in the movies!!" She laughed out loud and said, "I can't do that!!" I never asked her again.. but it makes me laugh because I remember it so vividly...

If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal of it and maybe just say, "oooh yucky!" Or something to let him know you don't like it. Idk if i'd be having any serious discussion about boundaries or anything just yet.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

How much do I tell him at this point? Just that *I* don't like it that way, or do I need to get into why we never kiss ANYONE that way (til we're older...)? Of course, this is the "WHY?" stage, so anything I say will have to be explained, and it just seems like a slippery slope. At the same time, I don't want to completely brush it under the rug and miss an opportunity to tell him that NO ONE should be kissing him that way, either. Or is it just too soon for that?

Well, if it is the "why" stage, then it is the perfect opportunity to answer questions. Don't treat it like a "slippery slope" at all. It isn't. 

[Maiasaura]

I'd cut it down immediately...but that's just me.

"That's inappropriate; this is how parents and their children kiss", and be very firm with my voice, and show the child how parents and children kiss.

"That other kind of kissing is only for grownups. Did you see that in a movie/TV?"

I always open the door for learning, but some things are non-negotiable, and that kind of thing especially is one of them. People in my area have their finger on the hot button for DSS and I could just see someone misconstruing and wondering where they learned that!

Also-- kids, even as young as 3, think it's hilarious when grownups think something's "yucky" or "icky" and IME go out of their way to repeat the behavior that elicited the "yucky" response.
 

Oh, and for the whys-- I got fed up one day at ds constantly asking why, and after answering probably 7 whys in a row, I said "No whys!!!" He thought it was hilarious, but it stopped the whys. After that, every time he had the whys, I'd answer until I got sick of it or couldn't think of an answer, and then I'd say "no whys!" One time he even said it to me, when I asked him why about something...

[dalia]

 Well, for me I think the important thing would be not to make him feel "wrong" or "bad" for it. I think it's a pretty normal thing for a three year old to be exploring things this way and is not anything to be alarmed about. Like I said I just wouldn't make a big deal but tell him you don't like it but not in a scolding way (not that you would, just saying). IMO, telling him that it's innapropriate will be above his head and may make him feel ashamed. JMHO.

[swd12422]

See, y'all hit it on the head! I do feel it needs to be nipped in the bud. He DEFINITELY loves to repeat "yucky" things, especially when I playfully yell, "BLECHH!" So I want to be playful and light about it so as not to shame him or make him feel like he's doing something "wrong" and yet.... I guess I need to find middle ground there. Too playful and not firm enough, no good. Too firm, shaming....

He seems to be slowing down with it, so that's a relief, but I know his patterns and little things like this are never completely dropped. It'll come back in a month, or a year, and I really want to be prepared, as I was so taken aback when he first started it.

Well, we ARE practicing saying, "I don't like that, please stop." instead of freaking out screaming when someone does something he doesn't like, so I guess that's what I should be modeling. IDK why it didn't occur to me til after I posted this!

[One_Girl]

If you have playfully tried to redirect him because it is gross then I would suggest being less playful and moving away from him then firmly telling him that he may not stick his tongue in your mouth.  Then in a lighter tone tell him you like kisses on the cheek or kisses with lips closed.  If you think he has heard about this type of kissing from someone else or seen it when you are out and about I would definitely suggest telling him that adults do not kiss kids that way. .  My dd used to have an obsession with kissing my breast and it took a lot of redirection starting from gentle to firm before she stopped.  Even now she will try to do it once in a while.  I don't think it is an exploration thing, it is just something kids do but we as parents shouldn't feel like we have to let exploration we are uncomfortable with go on.  I think that teaching kids to respect boundaries about bodies is a good thing.