How to address 3yo DD exclusion from b-day party

[BabyA'sMom]

,,,

Edited by BabyA'sMom - 1/29/11 at 4:00pm

[abiyhayil]

Wow, that would hurt my feelings.  Instead of sending the present, it may be better to call up his mom and ask what is going on.

[newmomroxi]

Do you really feel the need to talk to the child's dad about this?  If you're sending the present with another parent, he is obviously going to realize that you heard about the party and you know your DD wasn't invited.  I think if you are just wanting to let the boy's parents know that you accept their decision and would like to remain on friendly terms then sending the gift already says that.  And when you see him at the next swim lesson, just be friendly.  It will probably be awkward at first but I wouldn't bring it up.

On the other hand, if you really want to talk to the parents and clear the air or whatever, then it would be a good idea to call them.  You can explain to them that you bought the present earlier and since DD wasn't invited to the party, you are unsure of how to get the gift to them.  Then you can tell them that you respect their decision and you'd like to remain friendly.

[KikaKika]

I would not send a gift and I would let the parents of that kid make the first step, if they want to.

Just relax, and continue with your normal activities... You'll see, they'll talk to you about it (probably not right away), and it's better if you do not start that conversation.

1) That kid has the right to choose who he invites to the party

2) Parent of that kid has the right to avoid this (for him, probably) uncomfortable topic

3) You have the right to feel annoyed by this, esp. if this is something you would never do

4) if you really want to look cool, it would be best to act cool, hence - don't mention it and if play cool

:))))

It's great idea to do something fun with your DD on that day, but make sure you are not transferring your feelings of hurt to DD. (sorry to write this in a blunt way)

This reminds me of a "Parenthood" episode :)

[BabyA'sMom]

....

Edited by BabyA'sMom - 1/29/11 at 4:00pm

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by BabyA'sMom 
I sent back an email outlining the negative impact the exclusion had on our child.  I also sent  this link that talks about the subject.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/when-did-childrens-birthday-parties-become-so-complicated

I also pointed out that DD would not be satisfied with a "4 year olds only" explanation in light of the fact that she knows that it is not true.

But, I ended it saying that I continue to urge DD to be nice to her son, and that we would model good behavior by being kind and pleasant when our paths cross at swimming lessons and by inviting them and their son (as well as all the students) to DD' s parties.

 really?? I think you pretty much guaranteed your kids will not be friends. Was it rude?  Of course but they don't owe any kind of explanation, never mind be held responsible for any psychological "damage" that may have been done. This will not be the last time your daughter will be excluded. Are you going react this way each time?

[crunchy_mommy]

I am really confused about this.

Sure it would have been nice if your DD had been included, and quite rude NOT to include her...

But aren't the details of who to invite supposed to be left up to whoever is hosting the party????

I cannot imagine sending an email to another parent like that...

This just seems so.... odd... to me. Not odd that you are upset (I don't blame you!) but I don't understand your email to her, or what a 'proactive approach' by the school would mean -- are you implying that the school should dictate who gets invited to a kid's birthday party?? 

I just don't get it, I was also the 'inclusive' one growing up, and I think that's awesome, but I also think that making another parent feel bad because their house was too small to host the entire class is just... inappropriate. I am hosting a party in a few days myself, and I had to limit the invites because of space limitations & this being the middle of winter (can't host it outside or at a park) & can't afford to rent a place or pay a lot per child...

[meemee]

wow this is just 3 year olds. you took this way out of proportion.

life happens. you dont get invited to parties. that's ok. we see people and play with them and never get invited to their bday parties. 

its just a bday party. 

i would have done nothing. 

[Megan73]

So you get to approve the guest list for other families' birthday parties? And if you're not happy about it you complain to their child's school?

I can't even imagine what the other parents are feeling - harassed and publicly shamed come to mind.

[earthmama369]

Whoa. I agree with the PP. That was waaaaaaay out of proportion.

We've participated in a very tight-knit group of families through a preschool co-op, and at various times, different families -- including ours -- haven't been invited to birthday parties for reasons ranging from wanting just a small party to not having enough space to certain kids just needing a break from each other for a little bit. Even in a tight-knit group, not everyone is going to be super close friends. Some kids will be closer than others, some kids naturally won't click as much. That's normal. We explained to our kids when they weren't always going to be invited to everything and when they asked, we talked about some of the reasons why. They saw it in action when we made our own guest lists for parties at our small house.

I want my children to be aware of their social interactions and to not exclude other children in play because of gender, looks, socioeconomic class, race, religion, orientation, etc. But I also want them to be flexible and to understand that equal is not the same as fair, and inclusion does not mean everyone getting to participate in everything all the time. Social and practical logistics simply don't allow that.

[oaktreemama]

Oh Mama. You stepped way over the line here. They didn't invite everyone. It wasn't as if your DD was the only one excluded. The email you sent after the first email was inappropriate at best. You do not get to lecture people on inclusion and you certainly should not send links to articles talking about mean parents make mean kids. And to continue on about how "gracious" you will be to still include their son? Oh my goodness. I wouldn't be expecting them to accept any invitations from you or your DD in the future.

I think you really need to look at your reaction to all of this and reassess your own behavior before even thinking of critiquing someone else's.

[Lisa1970]

see below.

[Lisa1970]

But if only 5 of the 13 kids were invited, I don't think that is a big deal. I would not have sent the present of course. But I would not be all hurt over it.

[sweetcheeks]

Wow, OP, just wow. I can't believe you actually sent that email and with that link. If I received an email like that, I would view the sender as a bully. Because you are bullying the other parents with that passive-aggressive email about modeling good behavior when you cross paths... that little bit really rubs me the wrong way because it's almost like you're telling them you're going to be nice not because you WANT to be nice to them but because you feel like you have to. They don't need to give you a reason why your DD wasn't invited... real or fabricated. She wasn't invited, it's over and done with, let it go. It will most likely happen again and it's not worth the negative energy you're allowing to get to you over a birthday party. Hate to say it but you are now going to be known as "that" mom. I feel really bad for the birthday child's parents, having been shamed like that in an email and then to have it brought up to school officials... it's not a school matter, there was absolutely no reason to get the school involved.

[mamabutterfly]

Yikes, mama. I'm sorry you felt hurt, but I agree with other posters. :(

It's not that 5 kids "were excluded". 8 kids were invited. That's not strange at all! Eight children is a lot for a three/four year old party. that is not exclusion!

I would never expect a family to invite 11 3-4 year olds to a party. And I would have *totally* downplayed the party to my DD had she not been invited, not discussed it with her so much. I'm afraid you may have exacerbated the situation for her.

Please consider taking a MUCH less active role in your children's social lives. The other parents don't deserve that. I hope you'll consider apologizing at a later date when your emotions have settled.

[sublimeliving]

I understand why your dd's feelings are hurt. Nothing hurts worse than being excluded from a party. The good news is, most schools have rules about birthday party invitations. Usually, if not everyone is invited, they have to be sent in the mail. If they are brought to school, the child has to invite everyone, or all of the same sex (like your dd would have to invite all the girls). It looks like the birthday boy invited about half of the kids. This, is most likely, your dd's first exclusion. It won't be her last, and it only gets worse as girls get older. I would work together to be able to handle it like pros for future years. Things like this make it easier to realize who her friends are. She should form close bonds w/ kids that want to be her friend and not force it w/ kids that don't want to be her friend. It's hard to figure out the whys sometimes, and it hurts. I'm so sorry that this happened. : (

[choli]

  Granted, it's very hard for me to not be hurt and angry, but we're determined to take the high road and not turn this into a big deal.  We just want to let them know that we accept their decision to not invite her and would like to put this behind us and remain on friendly terms.  Even though part of me is hurting, I know staying friendly is what is best for my child.

 If that was your intention you seem to be going about this the wrong way.

[serenbat]

and remain on friendly terms.  Even though part of me is hurting, I know staying friendly is what is best for my child.

I wouldn't want my child or myself to be friendly with you.

offensive and rude and I wouldn't be surprised if the schools doesn't feel you are a bully-

please for your child's sake take the advise you are given here-

say you are wrong and keep quiet

teach your child that you made a mistake-your child is not entitled and should not feel hurt over this trivial matter and that goes for you as well

[HollyBearsMom]

I had to come back and say that if I ever received that email I would steer clear of the whole family. Honestly I would be telling all my friends about the crazy, over the top email I got because so and so's mom was pissed her precious child  wasn't invited to the party. In fact I think you would reading about it here on MDC!

My fear right now is the parents of those children invited (including the parents of your daughter two "best friends") are going to hear all about this and suddenly be "too busy" to play with your child.  At 3 the parents pretty much control the play date scene and your reaction my be giving them second thoughts about jsut how friendly they want to be going forward..

[elmh23]

I think you need to chill.  Not every child gets invited to a b-day party and that's okay.  You seem to be playing lip service to that notion, but are doing pretty much everything to prove that you do not believe it at all.  And your daughter is probably reacting to you, NOT the fact that she didn't get invited.

Dd has been invited to lots of parties and not invited to lots of parties.  She's always known about parties she's not invited to (kids do talk) but it isn't a big deal.  She's asked and I told her I don't know but leave it at that.  I don't let her wallow in it like you seem to be letting your kid.

The link you sent seems like bullying behavior and I wonder if maybe that's why your so angry about it.  Because you feel that YOU and your child are the one that deserves to be invited and will do anything to "get back" at the family that didn't invite you.