Edited by yukookoo - 6/26/11 at 4:44am
Kinda depends on the rule, but in general, no. There are a few small things DH lets him get away w that I dont and vice versa, but even at 16 mos, hes capable of understanding that. At almost 4, id say your DD is old enough to understand different sets of rules. I'd also respectfully suggest that if running is your big issue, maybe you consider a leash. I know they're not popular around here, but IMO they do sometimes have a place.
I'd say the problem is less that he's wrong and you're right (though that certainly seems likely) and more that you're not on the same page as each other, and he doesn't understand what's angering you, and you don't understand why he's acting how he's acting. I'd recommend finding some time to just chat a little bit about what kinds of rules you'd like in place, and what kinds of parents you'd like to be. You probably have more to offer to that conversation because you're the at-home parent, but if you really make it a conversation in mutual respect, it'll help find some peace between you and help you start to work together more.
I would have to say that yes, the rules are slightly different: DH lets them climb on him and wrestle with him in a way that I wouldn't. He lets them watch more TV and YouTube videos of puppies than I would. His idea of a nutritious meal is not exactly the same as mine, to put it politely.
But that doesn't sound like your situation. Running off is an issue of safety, and that would not be acceptable. And while DH might let them get away with things that I wouldn't (and I know that I let them get away with things that DH wouldn't), it's nothing major. I mean, I don't like them watching much TV, but a few YouTube videos aren't going to damage them. And even if our rules are different, I would not put up with any attitude about that of the type you're describing. A few whining "but Daddy lets me eat fruit snacks right before dinner!" is okay, but none of this "I'm daddy's little princess" 'tude.
It sounds like you and DH need to have an open talk with eachother about your expectations of eachother's behavior AND your expectations of your daughter's behavior. It's fine to not be on the exact same page about every little detail, but you have to be on the same page about general parenting matters and about what's okay to fudge.
im about to have a talk with dh and tell him you know what im the mom, I do this 24/7 and i make the rules and thats it, the same way he makes the money and i dont have much say in how he makes the money and i dont go into his office and mess things up with his clients that he then has to redo on monday when he comes in to work and there's a pile of complaints sitting on his desk
Okay, well I hope you haven't really said it to him just like that...speaking from experience here, while it may be what we think is the truth, it may not go over too well. I have definitely felt that way, though, and even made similiar comparisons of "I don't come into your office to tell you how to run things." I think they really don't want to feel like they don't have a say in how things are done at home. Despite that you may be the one reading all the books, trying to buy all the "right things," and plan all the "Right outings," they need to feel like they have some decision-making when it comes to the children, too. And, occasionally, they may even have a better idea than we do. As Dh says, "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while." ;)
I think it might help to plan one certain time per week to talk. Regardless of what is going on, issues or not, to stay in touch and bring up your different ideas for parenting. Not that his is the wrong way and yours the right, but just different. So you each know where the other is coming from more up-front. Maybe even have a logistical conversation of "On Saturday we've planned to go to ZYX. Dd always tries to 123 when we go there and I really don't like it. Can you help make sure she doesn't?" And then, just support eachother in the moment so your Dc see a 'united front,' even if there isn't one.
It is SO hard...especially if Dh says something before I do, to the children, which is exactly the opposite of what I would have done...but I try my best to support it. And he does as well. FINALLY. ;)
Good luck to you.
DH is the one who stays home. I work outside the home. Hence, DH is with the children most of the time (the two older are in school 8-3). I have to say thatI feel I'm a bit stricter, but I'm not sure. He pretty much has me do all the parenting and housework when I'm home, but if I do something "wrong in his eyes", I can feel him getting huffy and eyes rolling. The "how can you be so dense as to do/allow xyz?" Since he's not jumping up to remove the baby from the table (for instance) while I'm otherwise occupied (say, at a delicate moment of making supper), then I'm to assume that he doesn't mind her being up there, right?
And ye olde, kid is whining about something after you say no. Spouse says: "give it to him so he'll shut up". Then later spouse to you: "if you wouldn't give in, junior wouldn't be so whiny".
Generally, our rules are the same. But like a pp said, sometimes his ideas of acceptable and mine are different. DH is more lenient with food than I am nutrition-wise (he still feeds DS healthy foods, but sometimes it isn't exactly balanced) and he definitely is more playful with DS (wrestling, etc.) but with all the major rules, we are on the same page. There are times a new challenge comes up and if we disagree, we talk about it and come to a compromise.
For example, DS is going through a picky phase. One night, we had a balanced dinner and DS only ate his fruit. I got up and got him something else I thought he'd eat. DH disagreed and said that he eats what is served. So the compromise is that as long as we have a variety of foods and balanced meal, DS does not get anything else. He can eat ten helpings of green beans or whatever is served, but no one is to go get him something different. It works for us.
We are each our own parent of course, but we try to be on the same level. DH tends to be more strict while I am of the let-him-do-it-if-it-doesn't-kill-him variety. If he (15mo) is on something mildly dangerous( such as walking downa slope, playing with a chopstick) I let him do it and if he falls, he learns, whereas DH is very paranoid in comparison and likes to keep him within 3 or 4 feet at all times and only let him play with uber safe objects and such.
the rules are definitely different when dh is home. ds watches more tv, more "educational" cartoons that my dh likes, ds eats less healthy, dh is more hands on and shadows ds way more than i do, so im sure my ds feels like he is being followed. lol.
we had a similar issue - i usually let ds (age 2) run around when we go for a walk, where dh would prefer to carry or hold his hand the whole entire time. we talked about it and came to the agreement that ds cannot run wild in the street, he has to walk close to the sidewalk, then hold our hand when a car comes close. i have actually started to keep ds closer to me, just so i wont have to run after him when he doesnt listen. im trying to teach him to hold my hand, which isnt eay
The rules are generally the same between the both of us. I'm a stepmom so I took on his style of parenting until I got my own, then took more of a lead. Ours are older now (8 and 11) so they don't need so much attention or supervision as before, but I'm the one shooing them out the door to play outside or turning off the tv/games/computers and telling them to read, where DH can't be bothered either way. Parents should definitely agree on basic rules though.