Major life changes. Guidance please.

[polymorpheous]

     The mother of my 3.5 year old daughter and I recently split. She and I have known each other since 1998, (when we were together for 2 years, it was a messy, very painful break up), and have been in a serious relationship since 2006. She is the love of my life and I wanted to grow old with her.  She is 30, I am 33.

     We had the same plans for the future. We wanted to "home birth". We had a midwife and we had a home birth type birthing center. I was to work full time and bring in most if not all of our income. She wanted to stay at home with our daughter. We didn't want someone else raising our child. We loved the idea of home schooling. These were the rules that we agreed upon.

     We've never had a easy time with our relationship. The 1st few months of it she was coming off of a 3+ year heroin addiction. Dealing with the relapses and what goes along with active addiction was rough. I thought if we could survive that as a couple, we could endure anything.

     At about 2 months clean, we got pregnant. This is when our relationship problems were exasperated. This is also the time where we started to see our 1st marriage counselor. I started to learn things about our relationship.

     I am an emotional reactionary. I hang on to past hurts. I never fully forgive and my trust is greatly affected by that. I am critical. Of other people if they can't live up to the expectations I have for myself. And I am mostly very critical of myself. I am very guilty on invalidating my ex's feelings and negatively interpreting her thoughts and feelings. I feel that is because I hang on to past hurts.

     She can't open up to emotional or physical intimacy. I couldn't seem to get her to want to be part of a team. She refuses to do her part to resolve the issues in our relationship. She won't take responsibility for her words or actions. She can't seem to adequately express herself to me. She negatively interprets my words and invalidates my feelings. She always has some guilt or anxiety that she is dealing with.

     About 2 years ago I bought a book. "Fighting for your marriage." I read, studied, and learned so much from this book. I felt that the authors video taped my ex and I and wrote a book on us. The only thing they got backwards was the gender roles. (I'm the pursuer, she is the with-drawer) It was very important to me that my ex read this with me and use what we had learned to start mending our relationship. She refused me.

     13 months ago we started going to are current marriage counselor. We see her every week, some times more if we need it. Seeing this counselor came about because my ex decided to go back to school without discussing it with me. She kept it a secret until she had registered for classes and her student loans were done. She changed the rules. I still had to abide by them. She wanted to major in education. She wanted to be a teacher. After working through my hurt and anger for her actions, I honored her decision and fully supported her. I felt it was a very honorable profession.

     Well she finished her 1st semester and decided to change everything again. She wanted to switch majors to philosophy and get a PhD. She wants to be a professor of philosophy. She just finished her 1st semester as a philosophy major.

     During this semester is when her attitude towards me and our relationship deteriorated. We broke up on Halloween and she moved out on New Year's day.

After a counseling session we had 3 weeks ago she tells me she wants to see new people. She felt that our old shared beliefs were too patriarchal, she didn't believe in monogamy anymore and wanted to pursue poly-amorous relationships. She stated she never wanted to work on our relationship because she didn't want to do it "my way".

     We took care of custody, placement, and child support on our own. We filed our stipulations last week. 50% custody, 50% shared placement, and I pay $300 a month child support. The state we live in had a worksheet that made it easy for us to figure out.

     I have major concerns for my daughter's future now. 1st is her having strange men in and out of her life due to my ex's desire to pursue poly-amorous relationships. 2nd, my ex has expressed that she wants to study abroad and go to grad school out of state. I worry about the effect that would have on our daughter, who would be 7 or 8 by then, not having her mother around for that long of a time. 3rd is that I see my ex making many of her decisions with out taking our daughter into consideration. I really worry about my daughter now.

     So I need a little guidance about how I should move forward from this and try to be a good co-parent. I'm finding it very difficult because of all the past and present hurts. I'm really struggling over the lost relationship. Even more so because the effect it will have on our daughter.

Thanks.

Edited by polymorpheous - 1/28/11 at 4:00pm

[polymorpheous]

Wow! Really?

Did I post something totally taboo or should this be moved to a different sub-forum?

[blessedwithboys]

Maybe try Single Parenting?

I think you sound great...maybe too great to be true?  Or is that just because I've only known men who were crappy dads?  Anyway, try SP and you'll probably get loads of replies.  GL!

[georgia]

Moving over to Single Parenting with member's approval. 

[AtYourCervices]

Thing is, you aren't together anymore. From now on you have to take things how they are. 

1. Your ex being involved in a polyamorous lifestyle is none of your business. 

2. Right now, the possibility of a move is way down the line. She might change her mind later, or life circumstances will keep her from her pursuits. For the time being, stay on good terms so if she does move away she has no reason to try to take your DD with her, away from her home town, for a temporary move. 

3. You really need to step back and ask yourself whether your concerns regarding her choices are related to your daughter or due to the fact that you feel hurt that she broke her promises to you. Do you feel she's not keeping your daughter in mind when she pursues an education and career? Maybe she sees it differently, that she is situating herself so she can provide for your daughter, and she's trying to be a strong role model, getting a college education even though she's an unmarried mom. Perhaps she's trying to show she does trust you as a coparent by even considering traveling out of state or overseas for school. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Honestly, if you had these concerns you should have raised them while planning custody of your dd.

[AttunedMama]

Can you do some sessions with a counselor to help you gain perspective about your feelings?

There's nothing inherently uncool about poly life with regard to children. I find that kids with functional poly parents are well-adjusted and not usually too easily caught up on individual relationships.

[polymorpheous]

Please read my whole post before replying.

Thank you.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I did read your whole post.  Twice.  I understand your concerns, and think they are valid.  (I'm not into poly, and don't really support that lifestyle - but to each their own)  You really should have thought through each of you having 50/50 custody if you have these concerns.

[polymorpheous]

Originally Posted by AtYourCervices 

Thing is, you aren't together anymore. From now on you have to take things how they are. 

1. Your ex being involved in a polyamorous lifestyle is none of your business. 

2. Right now, the possibility of a move is way down the line. She might change her mind later, or life circumstances will keep her from her pursuits. For the time being, stay on good terms so if she does move away she has no reason to try to take your DD with her, away from her home town, for a temporary move. 

3. You really need to step back and ask yourself whether your concerns regarding her choices are related to your daughter or due to the fact that you feel hurt that she broke her promises to you. Do you feel she's not keeping your daughter in mind when she pursues an education and career? Maybe she sees it differently, that she is situating herself so she can provide for your daughter, and she's trying to be a strong role model, getting a college education even though she's an unmarried mom. Perhaps she's trying to show she does trust you as a coparent by even considering traveling out of state or overseas for school. 

1. I would have to disagree. I have 50% custody and placement of my daughter. I don't want it around her. This means compromise.
 

2. She can't take her with. It would have to be court ordered. You're right on the other count though. A possible move is far on down the road.

3. I already have considered this. I am grieving heavily in my loss right now, I know. But right now I feel used and abandoned. Something I am working through as an individual with a counselor.

Now then, let's hear some advice on how to move forward as opposed to being critical of the man with the broken heart. Because, honestly, I didn't come here to point fingers.

[polymorpheous]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I did read your whole post.  Twice.  I understand your concerns, and think they are valid.  (I'm not into poly, and don't really support that lifestyle - but to each their own)  You really should have thought through each of you having 50/50 custody if you have these concerns.

I don't exactly know what I could have done.

Besides, our custody and placement was an agreed stipulation, not court ordered.

I don't quite understand what you are getting at.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by polymorpheous 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I did read your whole post.  Twice.  I understand your concerns, and think they are valid.  (I'm not into poly, and don't really support that lifestyle - but to each their own)  You really should have thought through each of you having 50/50 custody if you have these concerns.

I don't exactly know what I could have done.

Besides, our custody and placement was an agreed stipulation, not court ordered.

I don't quite understand what you are getting at.

When you have concerns about your child's well being, you don't agree to things you think are not in their best interest.  You should have consulted a lawyer, and fought for full custody.  In court.  Yes, its a painful process, its a long process, but its far easier than un-doing something you agreed to even though you didn't think it was in your child's best interest.

I also agree with AtYourCervices - yes, you have joint custody, but when your dd is at her mom's house you don't have a say in what goes on.  You have a say in major decision making (medical, educational decisions) but you do not have a say in who your ex dates, how many people she sleeps with, who she lives with (unless there are major red flags like sex offenders, or violent felons living with her).  Just like she doesn't have a say in who you date, who you introduce your dd to, etc.  It's harsh, but its the way it is.  We've all had to learn it, and its hard so we understand, but its not just that you have 50% custody and so you have to compromise on lifestyles - its that your dd will have 2 different lifestyles in 2 different homes.  She will get to grow up and choose the lifestyle she wants, having had exposure to more than one.

[polymorpheous]

I can not afford a lawyer.

I am a blue collar worker who was support his family alone.

Nor am I so cold of a soul to do that to my ex.

Maybe I am naive or idealistic, but I was hoping that we would be able to compromise.

Maybe she can pursue her lifestyle when I have my little girl?

I feel like I am being painted in a wholly different light here.

I understand that some are going to make certain generalizations about me because I am a man.

But please try not to be judgmental and try to make me out to be controlling, this is not the case.

A controlling man would not have put up with so many changes in their partner's life decisions over the year, nor would he have supported them.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Ok, mine in red.

Originally Posted by polymorpheous 

I can not afford a lawyer.

Affording a lawyer is hard, courts generally have legal aid.  However, thats not the issue now b/c whats done is done.

I am a blue collar worker who was support his family alone.

Nor am I so cold of a soul to do that to my ex.

It is not cold towards your ex to look out for your dd's best interests.  It is very difficult during emotional times to see the difference between being cold towards your ex, and being a protective parent - as time goes on you will see the line more clearly.

Maybe I am naive or idealistic, but I was hoping that we would be able to compromise.

Maybe she can pursue her lifestyle when I have my little girl?

And maybe you can pursue your lifestyle of choice when she has your dd.  What happens when she is in a serious relationship, or more than one serious relationship?  What happens when you are in a serious relationship?  You cannot place controls on her that you are not also willing to have placed on yourself.  Your dd will be exposed to her lifestyle, and unfortunately you don't have a choice in the matter.  It's very hard to come to terms with the loss of control (even for people who are not controlling, even when there are the best of intentions on both parties) when parents split up.  It's best to keep your eyes wide open so that if anything is happening that shouldn't be (abuse, your ex turning to drugs again, things like that.  If that starts to happen you need to be willing to go to court to look out for your dd's interests - otherwise, as long as no harm is coming to her you have to let it go.

I feel like I am being painted in a wholly different light here.

I understand that some are going to make certain generalizations about me because I am a man.

But please try not to be judgmental and try to make me out to be controlling, this is not the case.

A controlling man would not have put up with so many changes in their partner's life decisions over the year, nor would he have supported them.

I'm sorry that it feels like I'm being harsh, I'm not trying to (I'm studying for the bar exam and I've been seriously stressed out, add in a few bad days, and this is what happens - I appologize).  It's hard separating - have you spoken to your counselor about what it means to parent after separating, and how to handle the loss of control (for lack of better words, my brain is mush today) - if not, thats where I suggest you start.  Each and every single parent on this board (ALL of us, anyone who says otherwise is probably not there yet, or is in denial) has had to learn how to let go when our babies are with their other parent.  Some of the women here have had easier times than others.  Some (like me) do great for a while and then something happens and we fall apart momentarily before we regain our footing and composure.  The transition is not an easy one, its not an enviable position either.  When single parenting, its important to do the best you can do, and let the rest go.  It's hard - like I said we've ALL been there - but we can only do what we can do.

[Annie Mac]

My gosh mamas! Don't be so hard on the guy! 

Anyway, OP, I"m sorry that you're having a tough time. The emotional stuff is obviously stuff only you can work on, and it sounds like you are. As for the kiddo stuff, if it were me, I would get to court pronto and hammer out a legal agreement that addresses moving out of state & where the child goes if that happens. It sounds like your ex is saying you would take her? Well, that could change in a few years, especially if she meets someone else. She may want to take her daughter with her, and at that point, you may have little to no say in the matter.  The polyamory stuff might bother me too, if what it actually meant was a revolving door of men. I would feel the same the other way around too -- polyamory or not, it's not good to have a slough of dating partners in and out of a little one's life. However, I'm not sure there's too much you can do about that. I guess the big thing is to make sure your daughter is well looked after.

[starling&diesel]

As a kid with parents who split when I was very young, like your daughter, I would say that the most important thing is building a safe, loving, trust-filled, fun relationship with your daughter, irregardless of your ex.  Foster trust and attachment with your child, and hopefully if she is ever in a dodgy position, she will turn to you for safe harbour.  As your child becomes older, your relationship with her and with your ex will change.  I wonder if (in your over-thinking of things) you've mapped out the 'inevitable' already in your imagination (I do this ... speaking from experience here), and therefore are somewhat closed to the more positive possibilities?  The truth is that the future could be much brighter than anything so far and you could be looking forward to an incredibly rich, meaningful relationship with your little girl.  She's lucky to have you as her papa.   

[worthy]

Ouch.  That's pretty harsh.  How can you know everything when you're planning custody?  You can't.  I think you just have to make your very best prediction of how both people will grow and change (or not) and base it on that so you can move forward.

SSM, please tell us more about how to plan and execute the perfect custody arrangement.  I am sure I'm not the only reading who would like to know how that is done.
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Honestly, if you had these concerns you should have raised them while planning custody of your dd.

[AttunedMama]

I don't know if you mean me, but I did read your whole post. I think a counselor can help you with the whole 'serenity prayer' angle of things...what you can change, what you can't, knowing the difference. Good luck

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by worthy 

Ouch.  That's pretty harsh.  How can you know everything when you're planning custody?  You can't.  I think you just have to make your very best prediction of how both people will grow and change (or not) and base it on that so you can move forward.

SSM, please tell us more about how to plan and execute the perfect custody arrangement.  I am sure I'm not the only reading who would like to know how that is done.
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Honestly, if you had these concerns you should have raised them while planning custody of your dd.

 

It's not about executing the perfect arrangement.  And the post indicated that the reason for their break-up was her want to be in poly relationships, and his not wanting to.  If he didn't want his dd exposed to that lifestyle 50% of the time, he should have thought of that before agreeing to 50/50 custody.  She also has a history of heroin - a very hard drug with terrible consequences.  Another thing I wouldn't want my child around.  He may be able to change custody if the heroin comes up, but he can't change the fact that his dd is going to be exposed to a poly lifestyle 50% of the time - he agree to that arrangement, he didn't raise these concerns when coming up with the agreement and he should have if he had those concerns.

I never said ANYTHING about a "perfect custody arrangement" - but please, if you figure out what it is let me know.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I have to agree with SSMama... I don't think it's being harsh.  Her logic is sound... he knew that his ex wants to pursue a poly lifestyle before/during custody agreement conversations... that is the time he should have spoke up about his opinion.

And I don't see anyone being harsh because you are guy.  ;-)  I've had VERY similiar posts to myself here.  Trust me.  lol  I may have been miffed at first, but once I took a step back and examined what people were truly saying... usually it made a lot of sense, and it really helped me grow as a person to come to a place of acceptance and more peace.

Having to share custody of your child is SOOOO hard!  Having to share it with someone who doesn't want to compromise and co-parent in a more amicable way... even harder.

I have to share custody with my abusive ex.  I still had illusions that him and I could somehow co-parent together when we first split up, even though we NEVER could while together.  I also fought the demons of wanting to have more control over his decisions in regards to DD & DS than I'm able to, because, like you, it comes from a place of parental love and wanting to protext our babies.

The hard truth is... most court systems across the country right now is that parents deserve equal rights.  Now, I do believe this... but I also do not think it is as black and white as the system wants it to be.  For instance, in cases where there is documented abuse, or drug addiction... this should have some kind of impact on custody and visitation... but it doesn't.

So for your question of moving on... Someone mentioned the Serenity Prayer.  Amen to that.  Think about everything you are upset over and consider, will this be able to be held up in court?  If the answer is no... the only thing you have left to do is let it go.

How I combat my children having to be around my ex and exposed to things I'd rather them not exposed to?  I show them unconditional love and respect, and treat them like an equal on MY parenting time.

Unfortunately, the only control you really have in this situation is what happens on YOUR parenting time.  So instill the values you hold dear at those times.  I would NEVER attack your ex's values to your child... I would just offer your own values, and as your child grows, she will make her own decision one day anyway. 

It's hard... but it does get easier.  I also second/third/whatever the suggestion about an individual counselor.  A lot of work places offer some free or reduced counseling services through an employee assitance program, I take full advantage of mine to continue seeing my counselor at least 1-2 times a month.  When things get what feels like out of control, and dark... your counselor can really help you see the positive and help you with various acceptance techniques, and will help you to take a deep breath and realize the things you really have control over or not... and help you let go of what you cannot control.