If your family lives locally but you won't allow them to babysit, how do you handle it?

[crunchy_mommy]

My parents live 1/2 hour away and have been asking to babysit since DS was born. He's now 2. We're not interested in having ANY babysitters at this point (and have told my parents that repeatedly) -- DH & I just don't feel the need to be away from our DS, we don't want to leave him and we don't want to go out to dinner alone or whatever. It's just not something that's part of our lifestyle. But my parents keep saying we need a break & they are being deprived of bonding with DS. Not sure I get that, since DS loves them to death, talks to them on the phone frequently, & we see them nearly every week and we try to 'back off' as much as possible while we're there & just let DS & his grandparents enjoy being with each other. But that's how they feel.

The real problem, though, is I don't think that I will ever be comfortable with my parents being alone with DS. I'm not sure how to approach this because there will likely be (rare) occasions in the future that someone else watches DS. For ex., we are TTC baby #2 and on the fence with homebirth, there are a few friends I would feel comfortable having watch DS if we want/need to go the hospital route... but how do we explain to my very loving, devoted parents that we let DS stay with friends (to them, strangers) rather than his own grandparents?

It's easy to avoid the issue now by just saying we're 'not ready' to leave him or whatever but when situations arise where him staying with others will be obvious, I just don't know how to handle it without hurting their feelings. I think they would be crushed. I can avoid the issue with the inlaws because they live too far away to really expect to babysit him (and I wouldn't feel comfortable with them watching DS either due to things like smoking, drunkeness, & physical discipline).

There's not one specific reason that I don't want my parents watching DS, there are mutliple things both identifiable & more vague, but the bottom line is that my instincts tell me not to leave him alone with them. It could just be the rocky adolescence I went through (inclunding a year-long psychiatric hospitalization during which every single professional asked/suspected that I had been abused although I had no recollection of anything) or the subsequent abuse I experienced by 2 guys in college that has made me suspicious of everyone. Or it could just be this vague anxiety my sister & I have both experienced since childhood. Or it could simply be that their relationship dynamic is annoying and my dad flirts with danger while my mom doesn't have the physical stamina to keep up with a toddler. I mean there are really a lot of different issues here, but whatever it is, it's nagging at me in the back of my mind and telling me to protect my son. But I do not want to destroy the overall positive, loving relationship DH, DS, & I currently have with my parents.

Has anyone else dealt with this? These are not people I want to hurt & certainly not people I want to cut out of my lives. They are wonderful people, who I simply don't want my DS to be alone with. How do I avoid crushing their hearts???

[Spring Lily]

My in-laws have offered to babysit with our 1st child and we found excuses. Finally we just told them that we didn't want to put them in a difficult situation because it would be really hard for them to physically keep up with a toddler. If it were my parents I might also share privately with my mom the concerns about your dad and safety. I'd use those things to put it off, and schedule some more get togethers with them so they can see your DS. Don't worry about when he's older, you can address that then, but this can buy you some time.

The fact they say you're depriving them of him sounds manipulative to me and unhealthy, so please try not to get sucked into a guilt trip. And as far as the babysitting when you give birth, I am sure you can come up with a good reason for it, like 'the friends have a son his age that he really wanted to play with' or something. Their feelings might be a little hurt, but it's not your job to protect them from normal disappointments. If you are taking that on yourself, it means the guilt trips are working and you're being manipulated.

The 2nd to last paragraph really concerns me, though. It sounds like your instincts and the facts (psychiatrists seeing signs of abuse, you & your sister's shared anxiety) are pointing to the fact that something happened to you as a child. Would you honestly feel safe leaving a child alone with your parents even when he's older?

[crunchy_mommy]

No, I don't think I would when he's older either, but theoretically I could see maybe letting them take him somewhere for an hour or two when he is a teenager?? I don't know, it's so far off, it's hard to say. All I know is right now, and for the foreseeable future, it's not something I'm comfortable with.

They have good hearts. They don't intend to give me a guilt trip, and I'm not going to be sucked into it as far as 'giving in' but I can't help but feel bad that they will be so devastated if/when they find out we let someone else babysit him. I can't confront them because I have nothing solid to go on. My father is physically more than capable of dealing with a toddler but my mother is not, and I feel sick thinking of my father watching DS alone, I freak out if they just wander into another room together & DH or I tags along so he is never alone with him (or my mom either, for that matter, though I don't get the 'sick' feeling with her.

I mean, for now I guess I can just keep saying we're not ready, but to me that implies that we WILL be ready eventually, and I don't want to get their hopes up because it's just not going to happen. But I guess we could make up excuses about why a friend watched them, but they will still be sooo hurt. DS said his best friend is my dad. This all just makes me so sad.

[peainthepod]

Listen to your gut, mama. You will almost certainly regret it if you ignore your instincts on something as important as this.

Given your and your sister's shared anxiety about them, and the fact that you were hospitalized with multiple health professionals suspecting abuse, it seems clear that there is SOME reason you don't want to leave your helpless children alone with them, even if you're not quite ready to discover what it is yet. But it's there, and you have every right (and reason) to honor your gut. Your children's safety is hugely more important than not hurting your parents' feelings.

There's probably no comforting lie you can tell them, so I'd just keep vaguely putting them off if you're not willing to be entirely blunt with them.

"We're not ready for that." [change subject]

"We don't do overnights away from Mama and Daddy." [change subject]

"Now's not a good time." [change subject]

"We're not comfortable with that." [change subject]

"It simply isn't possible right now." [change subject]

"No." [change subject]

And, gently, if they have good hearts, as you say, then they won't continue to pressure you for alone time with your children if it obviously makes you uncomfortable. You're the mama, and you decide. If they have your best interests in mind, they'll respect that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can't be easy.

[Spring Lily]

That sick feeling sounds like a pretty strong reaction, so I can see why you'd want to keep an eye on him when he's with your dad.

I can understand your feelings, although our situations are pretty different. But I have some serious issues about the way my parents treated me as a child and yet as an adult, my kids and I are close to them. So I know it's not always simple, even when you were very hurt. I'd just stick to saying "thank you for the offer" and the comments suggested above, and change the subject. It may be hard, but you're going to have to find some way to steel yourself against their disappointment.

[ilovemygirl]

This is your child. At the end of the day you can say no and they will just have to deal.

That said ... what is it you think your father is going to do? To be honest, there are very specific reasons I don't want my child around a particular person and that means always not just when I'm not there. It seems really odd to me that you would go to such great lengths to foster a strong relationship via phone and weekly visits when your father creeps you out and you think he would be abusive to your child. The idea that someone would abuse a child is a really really serious accusation. If you truly have the feeling your father would do something like this, you might want to rethink your relationship in general. IMO, it is sending mixed messages to bring a child to visit every week, indicating you want a strong and involved relationship between them and ds but then holding back because you don't trust them. 

Again, I'm not saying that you should leave him alone with them. It seems like you don't like the idea of being apart from your son and will only consider leaving him with anyone in extreme circumstances like when you give birth. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but as your ds gets older he may ask you himself if he can stay with his grandparents. Maybe think of what you would say to ds. Chances are it's the same thing you should say to your parents.

[hildare]

we feel the same way, have only rarely left dd with anyone at all, usually dh's mom or his dad (separately) and briefly (just b/c we like to have her with us!). 

i would not allow my mother to keep dd.. for many reasons.  i just have better reasons for other people keeping her (such as.. do your friends have kids your dc's age?  it makes more sense to let your child stay with friends with kids, in my mind at least). 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by peainthepod 

And, gently, if they have good hearts, as you say, then they won't continue to pressure you for alone time with your children if it obviously makes you uncomfortable. You're the mama, and you decide. If they have your best interests in mind, they'll respect that.

Good suggestions... and you're right, they won't -- or shouldn't -- continue to pressure me about it... and to be fair it's not 'pressure' so much as asking every once in a while. I guess that's why I was hoping someone had a more permanent response than, "We're not ready yet," because I would like to be clearer with them that this is NOT going to be an option ever, so they don't continue to get their hopes up and/or pressure me in any way. I did try saying something like, "We'll let you know if/when we're ever ready," but they still asked again, and to some degree that kind of reaffirmed my commitment to NOT let them watch him because it kind of showed a lack of respect for my feelings... but at the same time I know my mom in particular has a hard time seeing other grandparents take their grandkids for the day, seeing my MIL spend so much alone time with my nephew, etc., so I'm trying to be sympathetic to that...
 

Originally Posted by Spring Lily 

I can understand your feelings, although our situations are pretty different. But I have some serious issues about the way my parents treated me as a child and yet as an adult, my kids and I are close to them. So I know it's not always simple, even when you were very hurt. I'd just stick to saying "thank you for the offer" and the comments suggested above, and change the subject. It may be hard, but you're going to have to find some way to steel yourself against their disappointment.

Thanks, I'm glad someone else can relate. I kind of tend to be a 'people pleaser' too which makes this doubly hard...

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl 

That said ... what is it you think your father is going to do? To be honest, there are very specific reasons I don't want my child around a particular person and that means always not just when I'm not there. It seems really odd to me that you would go to such great lengths to foster a strong relationship via phone and weekly visits when your father creeps you out and you think he would be abusive to your child. The idea that someone would abuse a child is a really really serious accusation. If you truly have the feeling your father would do something like this, you might want to rethink your relationship in general. IMO, it is sending mixed messages to bring a child to visit every week, indicating you want a strong and involved relationship between them and ds but then holding back because you don't trust them. 

Again, I'm not saying that you should leave him alone with them. It seems like you don't like the idea of being apart from your son and will only consider leaving him with anyone in extreme circumstances like when you give birth. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but as your ds gets older he may ask you himself if he can stay with his grandparents. Maybe think of what you would say to ds. Chances are it's the same thing you should say to your parents.

Hmm that's a good point. I really don't know what I'd say to DS & it hadn't occurred to me that he might ask. I get what you are saying about sending mixed messages but at the same time I don't see any other options. This is family... maybe it would be different if it weren't, but it is. Also, if I had any hard evidence (more than just a vague gut feeling), I might make a different choice, but in the absence of that I just have to do my best to preserve family relationships while protecting all of us as well. This is really painful for me, and I wish I could trust them 100% or even know with 100% certainty NOT to trust them. It's hard walking this fine line.

Originally Posted by hildare 

i would not allow my mother to keep dd.. for many reasons.  i just have better reasons for other people keeping her (such as.. do your friends have kids your dc's age?  it makes more sense to let your child stay with friends with kids, in my mind at least). 

Yes my friends have kids DS's age so I could probably use this excuse but at the same time I feel like they'll see it as, Oh, I guess they're finally ready for babysitters now, and start asking even more often, and I'll have opened a whole can of worms.

[dakotablue]

We're in the same place.

I do not trust my MIL at all. Even though in my head I can't name anything she would do that would really harm ds forever (other than annoying things I just disagree with) but my gut says NO.

So far we have handled it with "we are leaving him anywhere with anyone" which is true, but for this birth we made clear we would leave DS with my sister who has two kids his age and said something along the lines of, "He will be so distracted being able to play with them hopefully he won't miss us as much." Which is valid.

ILs live like 15 mins away.

Its sad because we were coming up with alternate scenarios in case something happened with my sister and being unable to take DS and there is a LONG list of people (including a neighbor I barely know) who I would leave DS WAY before them.

I understand wanting a relationship with your parents. My parents were neglectful when I was a child (mostly not feeding us or caring regularly) BUT I feel the need to have them part of my life and they have grown and changed as people. They are wonderful grandparents (never saw that coming) and my step mom even has mothering instincts now (like responding to danger as I am as well) which she lacked with her own son (my half brother) and has been wonderful with my parenting style. That said I don't think I'd leave them with him ever...unless it was a choice between MIL and my parents.

Oh and Dh does agree.

I have learned never ever to go against my gut no matter how 'nice' people seem.